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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

a series of tiny disasters

December 11th, 2014 by biscuit

  • Agnes gave me a black eye two weeks ago.
  • I fell down. Hard. While running. I keep saying that I didn’t hear the car that caused me to attempt the leap that led to the fall because it was a Prius (and I think that’s true) but also I was listening to Serial. My knees are still scabby and disgusting and totally unfitting the mature 33 year old woman I am.
  • I have a cold.
  • Maida needs medication every eight hours now cause epilepsy.
  • I have three zits, one of which I futzed with (read: picked at even though that is TOTALLY UNFITTING THE MATURE 33 YEAR OLD WOMAN I AM).
  • The little electric key thing that I got from my complex to get into the gym is somewhere. In one of the taped shut and meticulously labelled boxes in my closet, probably. Chances of the correct box getting unpacked before the complex expects to get the thing back: unknown.


In other news, I close on my new house on Monday.


lets drink and watch That Awkward Moment

November 22nd, 2014 by biscuit

Drinking: A single Cinnamon Horchata beer thing from Blue Moon, because I’m not feeling well and really would kind of rather be drinking mexican hot chocolate but I don’t have any

Eating: leftover green beens from the back of the fridge because see above

Prior to starting this movie, I’m going to say it’s going to be dumb and I’d probably have more to say about the preview for the next season of Girls that just played, but hey. It kind of looks like what would traditionally be considered a chick flick geared towards dudes and I’m interested in the that concept. I want to know if men or women were the audience for this. I want to know how fleshed out the female characters are. I want to know … stuff. I don’t know. Come on, we all know I’m going to make it ten minutes into this movie.

  • So as far as I can tell, Baby Efron is the lead, right? He just got dumped by someone he didn’t know he was dating because they’d had sex once a week for six weeks. So .. failures of communication is the theme?
  • Your wife tells you she’s leaving you in front of the guy she’s leaving you for, and he compliments your SHOES. It was supposed to highlight Michael B. Jordan’s impotence and good lord, it did. ‘Nice shoes’ is going to be my go to ‘I don’t find you worth worrying about’ comment forever and ever.
  • Aw, the third guy? The guy who isn’t Efron or MJ (who was awesome in that thing where he played the old alcoholic boyfriend, what was that, googling, Parenthood!) has the red Irish cheek thing that I have. And is not cute. Poor guy. His name is … Daniel, apparently.
  • I take it back, he has a weird very tall wingwoman who comes with no explanation but seems very effective. And he gives his friends viagra and tells them they’re mints. So, no more sympathy for Daniel.
  • Ok baby Efron just piggybacked on a woman talking about the expectations that came with a single pickup line AS a pickup line and it was wildly effective. Ill Emma might be a sucker for Efron, which is a scary thing to know.
  • Oh wait now he thinks the girl is a hooker because … black boots and a new yorker magazine with hookers on the cover, I think. That was a very short lived Efron crush.
  • Hm. Discussion of expectations regarding checking the college/marriage/kids boxes. With no overt misogyny.
  • Second meet cute commences but then instead of him refusing to talk to her, he just straight up admits he thought she was a hooker. WHAT IS HAPPENING. ALL MY EXPECTATIONS ARE BEING SUBVERTED. (Not all of them.)
  • Oh. ‘What kind of girl would I be if I didn’t eventually find it funny?’ ‘Probably every other girl in the world.’ Oh so she’s not like most girls? (I’m not like most girls. I’m three kids in a trench coat.)
  • “I warn you she can be really aggressive sometimes but you can tame her with tequila and compliments.”
  • Are there really bars that are like piano karaoke bars? Like, you play the piano instead of or with your singing? That seems like a thing tailor made for people with an overabundance of self confidence and friends who were in musical theater.
  • Every one of these characters is awake after midnight on what I think is a weeknight. Is that a New York thing? Every time I read Bridget Jones I’m shocked by the fact that she can’t be on time for meetings that are at 10 am, maybe it’s that, they go to work really late. At 10 am I’ve been at work for three hours and done my best work of the day. Seriously. Please don’t tell my boss that my afternoons are basically a wash.
  • They have a New Girl bathroom. Is what is basically a public restroom in a private apartment a real thing in big cities? Is my confusion about what life is like in New York making me sound like a cowpoke who has never lived anywhere but the front range of Colorado?
  • Ha. Cow poke.
  • I’m trying to remember the most interesting date I’ve ever been on. Pretending to be a billionaire and touring a wildly expensive home beats it. For sure. However, that would make me very uncomfortable because I don’t like situations that could end with me getting yelled at, and the whole fake billionaire thing definitely qualifies.
  • Baby Efron’s girl, who’s name is completely unclear, looks like she’s on the day one apply makeup, sleep, second day more makeup, sleep, third day wash off first day makeup but leave second day makeup and apply third day makeup, sleep, repeat ad infinitum schedule. It’s very nicely matched with Efron’s ‘just dirty enough to stand up straight’ hair.
  • ‘I was going to make you wait [for sex] too, but then I remembered I’m a dude.’
  • So when I broke up with my college boyfriend, I was super duper bad with boundaries with the first guy I dated afterwards. We worked at the same bakery and his house was like a block from our work, and I would just stop by like all the time. I think I was used to the dorms and living with my brother and friend and boyfriend. We were all up in each other’s business and in retrospect I didn’t dial that back nearly enough when I met someone new. (Baby Efron’s girl dropped by and his friends thought she wasn’t invited and said that was ‘girlfriend stuff’.)
  • She said she brought ‘scotch’ but it’s pretty clearly Bulleit. And now she’s playing video games. Cue Amy’s cool girl speech.
  • Blah everyone is in love. Whatever.
  • Somehow baby Efron is wearing a fake cock to his ladys party. It seems he thought it was a costume party but she meant it was a fancy dress. Two different meanings of dress up party. This is fucking ridiculous. What kind of quasi couple doesn’t at least mention ‘hey I’m going to buy the fake dick for your party’ or ‘hey here are a couple of pictures of the dresses I’m thinking of wearing what do you think’?
  • The big hair and skinny jeans are making this look like a movie of bobbleheads.
  • We’re approaching the ‘sabotaging our relationships because we promised each other we wouldn’t have them’ phase of the movie, and I’m bowing out.

An HOUR. I made it an hour! Further through the movie than I did through the beer.

My head and stomach and I are going directly to bed.

details, details

October 23rd, 2014 by biscuit

So my morning thing is the alarm going off at 5:30, and me either getting dressed to go for a run with Agnes, or me hitting the snooze button once if I’m going to walk both girls together for longer after my shower instead.

This morning was supposed to be a running morning, but instead I hit the snooze button three times. Three.

See, I was having a dream about flying. Sort of. I have a lot of dreams about flying. Not the actual flying part, but the details of flying. Frequently I’ve just realized I’m going to miss my flight and I have to get to the airport and park and find my party. Sometimes I decide I don’t want to go and I have to deal with alerting my party and losing whatever money I’ve put down.

My party is almost exclusively my high school French class, even when they aren’t.

This morning, though, I was dreaming about pricing flights to Ireland. See, I was somewhere and my mom was in Dublin and I had said I wasn’t going, but I decided I did want to and I was literally dreaming about searching the internet for the best price on tickets to Ireland.

I woke up and hit snooze three times just because I desperately needed to know how it was going to end.

I feel like this says something about me, but I’m not sure what.

Oh, wait. It says I am one boring ass dreamer who spends too much time on the internet. And should maybe go somewhere. Sometime. One of these days.


let’s drink and watch

October 19th, 2014 by biscuit

Drinking: Toad Hollow Unoaked Chardonnay
Watching: Domestic Disturbance

The cover is 50% serious John Travolta face. How could I not.

  • It opens with ominous music and boats. For a second I forgot and thought I was watching Piranha and I got really excited but then I remembered when I saw John Travolta’s puffy face and shaggy hair. It’s Pulp Fiction hair. It’s not a good look for him.
  • What was he doing between Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction? Did the Scientologists have him locked up somewhere doing some brain thing? (I’m related to two Scientologists. I don’t know if that makes it more or less ok for me to make fun of them.)
  • Travolta and his blond ex wife Susan who I think might be in The Fosters have a son Danny, and he hid in a strangers car to escape basketball practice. That’s an interesting intersection of after school activities and psychopathic tendencies.
  • Vince Vaughn is going to be Danny’s new step-papa. There was no ominous music when that was announced, but VV’s face is pale and his words are low and he’s creepy. Is he always creepy? He’s always creepy, isn’t he. I think this movie just ruined Vince Vaughn for me forever.
  • I have this image in my head of when Steve Buschemi first started trying to find an agent. I imagine a bunch of prospective agents turning him away, telling him that there are only so many roles for small, ugly, mousey, perpetually-unwashed-looking, orthodontia-needing men. They must feel dumb now, man, because all of those roles are SBs now. ALL OF THEM.
  • Travolta makes wooden boats that are of higher quality and longer lasting than the plastic that “everyone wants now”. Oh the symbolism. I really hope someone dies in a plastic boat, just to really hammer it home.
  • This takes place in Maryland. I used to do this thing in bars where I insisted that Maryland wasn’t really a state, and ask everyone if they knew anyone from Maryland. More than half the time, no one did, and I would get very self righteous and conspiracy theory-y. It made mediocre bar conversation, but sometimes that’s good enough.
  • I just looked up the actor that plays Danny and his current work is ‘Transexual prostitute in ToY’. I do not know what that movie is, but I suspect that wasn’t what he anticipated back when he he was playing Travolta’s kid.
  • Ooooooh. See, Danny had to hide in that car in the beginning because he just hid in VV’s car when VV went to murder SB, and otherwise that would have made no sense at alllllllll. Good job, writers and producers. He’s not a psychopath, that was just clumsy precedent setting.
  • I wonder if people who have access to crematoriums and kilns and the witch’s oven from Hansel and Gretel are statistically significantly more likely to bump other people off. There’s no good way to answer that question because if so they’re destroying the sample! (I thought that was funny. The wine is totally working.)
  • It’s weird how reasonable it seems that they made the kid go home with his murdering step dad even after he told the police about the murdering thing. This is why you shouldn’t be problem children, kids. You’ll really need to be believed and instead everyone will be all ‘but you kept climbing into the backs of strangers cars ya little psychopath so why should we believe you’.
  • So I was thinking that I’m going to put a deadbolt on the house side of my basement door at the new house, because I’m a scaredy cat and basements are basically exclusively bad news in the entertainment I prefer to consume, and then I was wondering if going into Lowes Depot and asking about something like that gets you put on a ‘I want to lock people in my basement’ list. If so, I bet VV is on that list.
  • Oh oh oh! I figured it out! VV and Travolta always look clammy. That’s the perfect word. Clammy. So gross.
  • “We didn’t do that much talking. And when we weren’t doing that we were watching TV.” I’m going to say that next time anyone asks me something about someone and I don’t know how to answer.
  • The clammy twins are getting aggressive. WHO IS GOING TO WIN? I actually don’t know because I don’t remember the marketing of this movie, it could be one of those dark ones where the bad guy wins. But who am I kidding.
  • “You said that he liked to screw and watch basketball. What team did he root for????” This was immediately followed by a dial up internet pixelated picture of VV next to the word ‘racketeering’.
  • If I turn this off right now, VV will have won. Travolta is unconscious, bleeding, and covered with gasoline. We have so much power as viewers.
  • VV just lit his jacket on fire!!!! Did you hear about the guy who did that while driving home from church one day? He meant to light his cigarette but caught his sleeve? He was pulled over for having an illegal firearm.
  • (Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff)
  • If someone is searching for you in your house, turn on the bathroom light and put a pair of shoes behind the closed door so it looks like someone is standing there. If your house has a bathroom with two doors, this is a surprisingly useful tip.
  • Everyone is fine! Except Vince Vaughn! And his wife, who just miscarried the baby that she and Vince Vaughn created together. Way to take the easy out, writers. Danny and Travolta and Susan would have loved that baby anyway and you just took that away from them because you didn’t want to have to put the ‘your dad was a killer’ talk in the post credit roll.

I finished one! And you couldn’t even tell that I was also making cookies for the people building my house (sucking up? fuck yes)! Maybe one of the clammy twins needs to be in every drink and watch movie I try to increase my odds of success?

who wants to know my thoughts?

October 15th, 2014 by biscuit

I do I do! Oh, well … yes. There are many things I would like to know my real thoughts regarding, but I meant…


About new fall tv!!!

So many mixed reviews. Actually, no. Mostly terrible reviews with one that made me go hmmm, ok. Now I’ve actually watched three WHOLE episodes and: I want Amy Pond back. And John Cho is hot. I’m going to keep watching it in the hopes that Eliza will get more Amy, John Cho will get less whiny, and at one point they’re going to burst into a song about accents. Bonus points for the Paula Abdul dance class and “I think Channing Tatum would be proud of us” in the most recent episode. And extra bonus points for an Alexi Murdoch contribution to the soundtrack at a really perfect place. Damn it, I think I like this show. Thumbs up.

Marry Me
Too soon. But who am I kidding: Penny Hartz and Vinnie Van Lowe? Fuck yeah, motherfucker. I would never, ever hang out with them in real life. Penny/Annie/Casey would say something mean and even though man do I want to be the kind of girl who says ‘oh well fuck you too bitch’ and then laughs and then hugs her, I’m actually the kind of girl who gets really sad and shuts down and then cries alone later. And Vinnie/Jake/Ken probably isn’t dumb but he seems dumb so I would embarrass both of us by unnecessarily explaining things to him all the time. Thumbs up.

Manhattan Love Story
There’s something off-putting about them casting an America’s Next Top Model contestant as the leading lady. I’m sure she’s great, but it feels like they’re literally not even trying with the main female character. (I’m not sure she’s great. It’s hard to tell. So far the show is as if there are fifteen misogynistic guys in a room and one super hard working feminist who is allowed to change anything she can catch while they’re all writing as fast as they can and shoving things out the door. The men write the lines “she’s fine with it” / “theoretically women are fine with a lot of things” and the feminist manages to squeeze in “oh look it’s my favorite show, two men talking about what women think”.) Thumbs down.

I really wanted to love this! And I liked the first episode! Because Ryan Atwood! But there are two episodes queued up on Hulu and somehow I keep watching old Gilmore Girls episodes. Draw your own conclusions. Is anyone else shipping Rory and Ryan now? Thumbs down.

And returning fall TV? How is that going, oh brain of mine?

TERRIBLE. Sweeeeeetttttsss. Plus, I don’t like cranky ass Brennan, and I feel like his new buddy/agent guy is even supposed to look like Sweets. You can’t fool us. We know what Sweets looked like. Thumbs down.

Also terrible. What is happening.  All of the magic of Castle comes from smart ass Castle and mean Kate and lush Martha and naive Kevin and slutty Javier and there is literally NONE of that right now. Thumbs down.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine
All win, all the time. My predilection for  large nosed fellas doesn’t even come into it, I swear you guys. Thumbs up.

Anyone have anything bad to say about Dean or anything even vaguely Dean related? Because I will cut you. If I had telekinesis, I would force all the thumbs in the world up.

We’re batting .50, here. That’s good for baseball, right? Does TV have the same standards as baseball? The standards should be higher for tv I think. Step it up, tv.