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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

tina what the fuck

May 21st, 2015 by biscuit

Therapy. Lesbians.

(This is much less dramatic than the intro made it sound, but the intro is accurate! Just wait!)

I decided to go into therapy, cause, you know. I think we can all use someone to talk to and stuff. My best friend is in school to become a counselor and sometimes she says brilliant insightful things based on what she’s learned* and I was like hey, lots of things have changed in my life, maybe I should stop exploiting my best friend for free therapy and talk to a professional.

*She said brilliant and insightful things before too. Like, one time, she accused me of wanting to spend the night at her house because I had a crush on her little brother and she was RIGHT!**

**We were maybe fourteen and her brother was a year or slightly less younger than her. Crushes on 13 year olds when you’re 14 aren’t gross. Crushes on your best friends little brother are gross. Too close, ladies, don’t do it.

So I found a therapist that was super close to work and a woman (important to me, I said to Crockett offhandedly that ‘I don’t want a male therapist because I’d probably try to make him like me’ WHICH WOAH I SHOULD probably tell my real therapist about that) and she was very much not my thing. She just agreed with me a lot.

Since I always think I’m right, that is not a helpful problem solving attitude.

If paid enablers were a thing I would totally call her first.

So I found another woman, further from work but still commutable during a work day distance, and she does all these wacky things, and she asked me questions, and wrote stuff down, and I just loved her. Unfortunately, lots of other people love her too, so she couldn’t work me in regularly until mid June. She called today with a cancellation for tomorrow, though, so I started the book that she recommended (The Happiness Trap) just a few minutes ago…

while watching The L Word.

Boom, therapy and lesbians. Do I deliver in the least exciting way possible or WHAT.


written all over it

May 20th, 2015 by biscuit

Last night I had the perfect thing to write about. It occurred to me while I was peeing. Then the night went of the rails in a minor way, and I lost my whole fun and fancy idea. Today, all I wanted was to get the idea back (cause I been low on things-I-wanna-write-about lately) so I tried peeing and thinking, but that didn’t get me anywhere. Then the next time I peed, I tried peeing while not thinking. No love.

There’s a part at the beginning (maybe?) of Firestarter that’s about people peeing in their pants, did you know that? (FRANCO AS THE 11/22/63 PERSON WHAT ALSO). Stephen King wrote something about us being conditioned as young’uns to not pee while clothed. Accurate, right? Definition of potty training right there. He claimed, in the book, that grown ups are actually busted and can’t actually do it even if they try (where, again, it is peeing in their pants. If you’d asked me how many times I thought I’d write that phrase today when I woke up this morning I would have guessed significantly fewer than the 2 I’ve already hit.)

I really want to try.

I am a grown up woman with a healthy bladder. I don’t have the thing that some of my mama friends have where they pee (in their pants (3)) sometimes when they giggle or cough because of the bag of flour sized baby that came through their nether regions. I am actually free of incontinence of any kind as far as  I know.

What I’m trying to say is that I was under ten the last time I peed in my pants (4) and I had been playing outside with my friends and didn’t want to go inside to pee and I basically just waited until there was more pee than bladder, I think.

Could I do that now?

Stephen King isn’t exactly a medical expert, but I have to assume he usually doesn’t make shit like that up. He must have researched it or something, because otherwise why include it? As far as I recall, pants peeing (4.5) wasn’t integral to the story, so …

Yeah. Pee. Pants. (5)

Seriously, though, I have wondered this off and on since reading the book at 14. If anyone has any insight, hit me up. Otherwise eventually I am going to be my own guinea pig and any outcome of an experiment where I try to pee in my own pants (6) ends with me on the losing end.

that damn mulberry bush

May 11th, 2015 by biscuit

Either I’ve matured out of them or all my favorite tv shows have gone off the goddamn rails.

Me maturing is unlikely. (Don’t tell my brand new therapist, I’d like her to have faith in my potential for improvement for at least a couple of months.)

Shonda Rhimes is obviously a large part of the problem, right? But even excluding her recent FUCKING LUNACY, everything is a mess.

Spoilers abound, people. Just, you know, use your judgement. (Parenthetical explanations follow for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about.)

  • DEREK. Man. Two actual texts I sent regarding the whole Derek thing: “I’m so sad it’s ridiculous” and “I cried for so long that even Deaner got bored and stopped worrying about me”. Dean is a ten month old Jack Russell terrier (Parson Russell terrier? Did changing the name actually stick?) and has never not been worried in his life. He worriedly jogs in his sleep. (Grey’s Anatomy: the penis having half of the grand high couple died in a super-duper-painful-full-of-jump-scares episode – he almost got hit by like seven cars, almost drove off the road, almost survived but for the want of a more mouthy surgeon, etc. It was an hour of pain. He was always my guy.)
  • Olivia is just reacting to B613 shit now. I mean, she kind of always did, but she used to have initiative. Plus, her dad is getting more and more stalkery, which is weird for a dad. (Scandal: um. Let’s say that the real government in real life (real real real) was all ‘hey here’s a secret spy organization that we can’t really explain but they’re super bad but we can’t shut them down because they’ve buried grenades under all of your houses and they’ll explode them if we even TRY to explain’ and then they tried to explain a few times anyway and some houses blew up and then they gave up and kept letting the secret meanies do terrible things. B613 is like that.)
  • NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE ROYAL FAMILY. (Grimm: the main non-supernatural female character is evil now and the whole solution is sort of like if I turned evil and somehow some intricate British royal family ancestry was relevant to making me un-evil. And if William and Harry were secretly at a very boring chat war in, like, some catacombs or something.)
  • Bones. (I don’t know I’m seven episodes behind because it turns out Sweets was the only reason to watch.) (Ok fine. Bones: imagine the X-Files if they killed Scully. Sure, Mulder has a lot of panache, but he would have lost his heart, man. Sweets was everyone’s heart.)
  • Castle…

Guys, I can’t. I just can’t continue. Is this my fault or tv’s?

Or should I be watching something else?

When the hell does the new True Detective start?


my future’s so bright

May 6th, 2015 by biscuit

Thing A: When I started this new job, the one I super like, the person I replaced was a small, dark haired woman who left to go write books. Since I am a small, dark haired woman who enjoys putting pen to paper (and using douchey sounding cliches, apparently), people actually called me her name a few times when I first started.

(Ok, their confusion was likely a hair/size thing, not a writing thing, because I didn’t really talk about that. Not that I don’t want you reading this, dear coworkers! (Just kidding, I super don’t. Leave, please.))

Anyway, she’s back and I dig her and I’m wondering how much of it is just plain self absorption on my part. (I like me. I know, I’m subtle about it.) She’s a cat person, though, so obviously there are some key differences.

Thing B: I hung a vinyl bull skull decal in my loft this afternoon. I was going for super tough, but then they ruined it by including vinyl rose decals too. Like I WASN’T going to make the bull skeleton wear a rose, right? What kind of willpower do they think they’re dealing with here?

Thing C: A girlfriend of mine and I decided to go full paleo for a month, and support each other through it. She’s trying to be healthy, I’m mostly focused on going to Mexico in a month and feeling awesome in one of the seven swimsuits that I found while I was going through my drawers to try to justify buying a swimsuit for the trip. (Is there a sensible justification? Nope. SEVEN. But I might get a new one anyway.)

It’s terrible. I actually took it lightly when we made the call, because I thought I was eating pretty close to paleo already, but I have been cranky and headachey and achey and I’m sure a real joy to be around since about six hours in.

I realized I eat a lot of chocolate in the morning. And the afternoon. And after dinner, also. Plus, Grape Nuts. And french bread.

Do you think Grape Nuts spread in melted chocolate on french bread would be, like, at all good? I’m asking for a friend.

let us drink and watch…

March 3rd, 2015 by biscuit


The Tiniest Sprinter says it’s a must watch, I’m drinking a mediocre unoaked chardonnay anyway, it’s snowing outside: let’s do this shit.

(Warning: this is relatively new but I’m not going to pull any punches plot wise so if you don’t wanna get spoiled then go read this instead.)

  • We open with Jakey Gyllenhaal (JG) at a weird Eyes Wide Shut style sex club. There was a woman making noises that my dogs were uncomfortable with, and JG seemed equally uncomfortable based on the way he was covering his eyes (but NOT uncomfortable based on the way he was peeking ifyouknowwhatimean).
  • Oh also I’m eating smoked salmon and cauliflower pancakes.
  • Mr Sex Club JG is shaping young minds in a very night court looking college classroom. It feels unsuccessful, and during his lecture it’s really unclear how many days we’re actually watching him go through. He’s talking about dictators sating the masses with entertainment, which, don’t you lecture at me you damn canadian movie.
  • JG is really nailing Crockett’s winter beard here.
  • You’re boring your pretty blond ladyfriend JG. Also, she is not wearing a wedding ring and you were in the sex dungeon much-more-accurate-than-50-shades as if I know but come on EVERYONE SAYS the 50 shades BSDM is bullshit and I trust everyone because why wouldn’t I scene.
  • The air of dissatisfaction is really intense. It’s sort of making me want to smack them all upside the head. Plus everything is yellow. Yellow is very dissatistfying.
  • Oh, I’ve had a lot of bloody noses lately (negative humidity here in sunny ol CO) and I keep having dried blood flake out of my nostrils. I literally cannot imagine how  charming it must look.
  • I knew it was a doppelgänger movie but OH MY GOD. HE’S IN THIS MOVIE THAT HIS DISSATISFIED COWORKER RECOMMENDED. And he’s not like, the lead. He’s a bus… bus… the guy who carries your suitcases to your room in old fashioned hotels. Somehow that’s SO MUCH WORSE. LIke, if you were hallucinating, wouldn’t you be the lead? (Is busboy a real word?)
  • He was lecturing and then he went into a yellow room and drew the curtains and we could still hear him talking, and I thought we were, like, watching him withdraw into his mind, but no. He’s actually just home and we were just hearing the end of the lecture. I guess.
  • JG found the guy on the internet, on an agent’s webpage. The OJG rented the rest of the new JG’s movies. Two things: do they not have IMDB in Canada (he knew NJG’s name from the credits of the first movie but was still googling it and then scrolling through image results what) and does he not have any friends because you can damn well bet I would be blowing up my contact list with this if it happened to me, right? Who just owns this? And a follow up: is putting your mom in your phone as ‘Mother’ creepy or am I just now dissatisfied with everything because IT’S ALL YELLOW?
  • oooo inadvertent subterfuge. Think of how easily you could trick people into thinking you were someone else if you really were that person? I’m so deep. I’m deep like Jaden Smith y’all.
  • OJG called NJG and got his girlfriend and she thinks it’s NJG fucking with her. Which makes me wonder – how many people would recognize their voice well enough on the phone that I would know it was them even if they said it wasn’t? I was just thinking about this the other day sort of. Some of these weird prank shows, where they swap out strangers while someone is taking their picture or whatever, everyone is like ahaha you’re so gullible, but I think we just understand the wild fallibility of our own minds AND hate the idea of looking like a crazy motherfucker.
  • Is stalking your doppelgänger a sign of being a crazy motherfucker or being really dissatisfied or just the totally logical thing to do?
  • Interesting. OJG’s girlfriend looks like this and NJG’s wife looks like this. It’s almost heavy handed right? Conveniently only one is preggers (wife). It would be handy if one of the JGs would wear a preggers belly, but I guess NJG’s ring is going to have to do. He is holding his hands up a lot.
  • I just spelled conveniently so wrong that wordpress spellcheck couldn’t figure out what I meant. I had to change it like four times (never landing on the correct spelling) before it finally got me there.
  • If you’re in Canada and you google someone, does it prioritize other Canadians?
  • Oh man NJG’s wife (preggers) just met OJG and she handled it remarkably well. I think I would have attacked him. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME etc etc. Or I would have attacked NJG when he started bitching about the lack of organic blueberries in the fridge, I guess. Even without the whole doppelgänger thing, that would just piss me off. Organic berries are better but some blueberries are better than no blueberries, ya douche.
  • Now NJG and preggers are also dissatisfied. And yellow, but they were always yellow. Preggers is doing that THING. You know, the thing, where you hold an important plot point in your hand and instead of laying it out on the table you hold onto it and insist in a very dissatisfied way that everyone else already knows and so why explain anything god my life is   just     so       hard     andeveryoneleavesmeoutofeverything     sniff. That thing.
  • Is Canada yellow? Can someone who has been to Toronto please confirm for me if it is in fact somehow yellower than America thnx.
  • Ooo ooo ooo OJG and NJG are about to be in the same room. Not so secretly hoping that this takes a turn for the large hadron collider style total atom based annihilation.
  • Enemy/Friends cross post: would you recognize your hands on someone else?
  • Chest scars. Conjoined twins?
  • Why is OJG freaking out? He meets NGJ and has a chance to ask questions! And instead he runs away. I have so many questions and he asked none of them. It’s like he’s not even thinking about me.
  • On a personal note, people always said Crockett looked like one of two people: Jake Gyllenhaal or Aaron Rodgers. If anyone is the NJG it’s him. (I can’t figure out how to make the below pictures smaller because I stopped being a pictureybloggy person so I apologize but hey at least they’re all handsome right?)
  • Speaking of a Friends crossover, OJGs mom is Isabella Rossellini and she was on Ross’s allowed to bang list.
  • Sorry, guys, I got unnecessarily excited there for a second. Is this all in OJG’s head? Because then is preggers made up too?
  • NJG is rehearsing something and it appears to be kidnapping OJG’s girlfriend. Not the kind of thing I would rehearse but then I’m not a dissatisfied Canadian fellow with a new twin.
  • OJG just let NJG out into his world in his clothes to pick up not-preggers. That is some fucked up boyfriending right there, OJG. You’re not doing Aaron Rodgers or Crockett proud, old me and Olivia Munn agree.
  • One hour and seven minutes down, thirty five minutes to go. Think of the other useful things I could have done with the 1500 words that this is going to end up being. I could have written about how Dean was just sleeping on the back of the chair and how he wiggled too much (his thing) and fell in between the cushion and the back of the chair and it was awesome.
  • The elevator operator was also at the sex club! OJG is taking the opportunity of a kidnapped girlfriend to break into NJG’s apartment cause he classy like that, and the elevator operator would apparently reeeeeealy like to go to the not 50 shades of gray party again if at all possible.
  • Ok they just straight up traded ladies. Ew.
  • Busted by the wedding ring mark. Sucks to be you, NJG. Although I would never ask ‘who are you’ except in a metaphorical sense, I guess, if someone I thought I knew showed up with a wedding ring shadow. Not-preggers sounded like she really meant it, like who are you stranger?
  • THIS IS SO AWKWARD AND really very dissatisfying. Preggers is fucking OJ
  • Um. I think NJG and not-preggers are dead. Good thing they were keeping up to date on their backups?
  • Remember the mysterious letter? Since OJG is pretending to be NJG and doesn’t know NJG is maybe dead, he’s opening it. It contains a key. Has anyone ever in the history of time mailed a key in a white envelope in a padded envelope?
  • Whatishappening
  • Ok, this is going to sound like I’m making it up, but OJG was just talking to his new pregnant wife person and she’d been replaced by a room sized spider. And now credits.
  • It says there are 16 minutes left.
  • Be honest, guys. Did one of you sneak in here and replace my wine with absinthe?
  • Ok the last 14 minutes are an interview with JG and the director. It’s over.

Whew. We made it, you guys. There were spiders and car crashes and doppelgängers but here we are. I don’t know if it was two crazy guys or one crazy buy. Everyone take a drink.