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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

let us drink and watch…

March 3rd, 2015 by biscuit


The Tiniest Sprinter says it’s a must watch, I’m drinking a mediocre unoaked chardonnay anyway, it’s snowing outside: let’s do this shit.

(Warning: this is relatively new but I’m not going to pull any punches plot wise so if you don’t wanna get spoiled then go read this instead.)

  • We open with Jakey Gyllenhaal (JG) at a weird Eyes Wide Shut style sex club. There was a woman making noises that my dogs were uncomfortable with, and JG seemed equally uncomfortable based on the way he was covering his eyes (but NOT uncomfortable based on the way he was peeking ifyouknowwhatimean).
  • Oh also I’m eating smoked salmon and cauliflower pancakes.
  • Mr Sex Club JG is shaping young minds in a very night court looking college classroom. It feels unsuccessful, and during his lecture it’s really unclear how many days we’re actually watching him go through. He’s talking about dictators sating the masses with entertainment, which, don’t you lecture at me you damn canadian movie.
  • JG is really nailing Crockett’s winter beard here.
  • You’re boring your pretty blond ladyfriend JG. Also, she is not wearing a wedding ring and you were in the sex dungeon much-more-accurate-than-50-shades as if I know but come on EVERYONE SAYS the 50 shades BSDM is bullshit and I trust everyone because why wouldn’t I scene.
  • The air of dissatisfaction is really intense. It’s sort of making me want to smack them all upside the head. Plus everything is yellow. Yellow is very dissatistfying.
  • Oh, I’ve had a lot of bloody noses lately (negative humidity here in sunny ol CO) and I keep having dried blood flake out of my nostrils. I literally cannot imagine how  charming it must look.
  • I knew it was a doppelgänger movie but OH MY GOD. HE’S IN THIS MOVIE THAT HIS DISSATISFIED COWORKER RECOMMENDED. And he’s not like, the lead. He’s a bus… bus… the guy who carries your suitcases to your room in old fashioned hotels. Somehow that’s SO MUCH WORSE. LIke, if you were hallucinating, wouldn’t you be the lead? (Is busboy a real word?)
  • He was lecturing and then he went into a yellow room and drew the curtains and we could still hear him talking, and I thought we were, like, watching him withdraw into his mind, but no. He’s actually just home and we were just hearing the end of the lecture. I guess.
  • JG found the guy on the internet, on an agent’s webpage. The OJG rented the rest of the new JG’s movies. Two things: do they not have IMDB in Canada (he knew NJG’s name from the credits of the first movie but was still googling it and then scrolling through image results what) and does he not have any friends because you can damn well bet I would be blowing up my contact list with this if it happened to me, right? Who just owns this? And a follow up: is putting your mom in your phone as ‘Mother’ creepy or am I just now dissatisfied with everything because IT’S ALL YELLOW?
  • oooo inadvertent subterfuge. Think of how easily you could trick people into thinking you were someone else if you really were that person? I’m so deep. I’m deep like Jaden Smith y’all.
  • OJG called NJG and got his girlfriend and she thinks it’s NJG fucking with her. Which makes me wonder – how many people would recognize their voice well enough on the phone that I would know it was them even if they said it wasn’t? I was just thinking about this the other day sort of. Some of these weird prank shows, where they swap out strangers while someone is taking their picture or whatever, everyone is like ahaha you’re so gullible, but I think we just understand the wild fallibility of our own minds AND hate the idea of looking like a crazy motherfucker.
  • Is stalking your doppelgänger a sign of being a crazy motherfucker or being really dissatisfied or just the totally logical thing to do?
  • Interesting. OJG’s girlfriend looks like this and NJG’s wife looks like this. It’s almost heavy handed right? Conveniently only one is preggers (wife). It would be handy if one of the JGs would wear a preggers belly, but I guess NJG’s ring is going to have to do. He is holding his hands up a lot.
  • I just spelled conveniently so wrong that wordpress spellcheck couldn’t figure out what I meant. I had to change it like four times (never landing on the correct spelling) before it finally got me there.
  • If you’re in Canada and you google someone, does it prioritize other Canadians?
  • Oh man NJG’s wife (preggers) just met OJG and she handled it remarkably well. I think I would have attacked him. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME etc etc. Or I would have attacked NJG when he started bitching about the lack of organic blueberries in the fridge, I guess. Even without the whole doppelgänger thing, that would just piss me off. Organic berries are better but some blueberries are better than no blueberries, ya douche.
  • Now NJG and preggers are also dissatisfied. And yellow, but they were always yellow. Preggers is doing that THING. You know, the thing, where you hold an important plot point in your hand and instead of laying it out on the table you hold onto it and insist in a very dissatisfied way that everyone else already knows and so why explain anything god my life is   just     so       hard     andeveryoneleavesmeoutofeverything     sniff. That thing.
  • Is Canada yellow? Can someone who has been to Toronto please confirm for me if it is in fact somehow yellower than America thnx.
  • Ooo ooo ooo OJG and NJG are about to be in the same room. Not so secretly hoping that this takes a turn for the large hadron collider style total atom based annihilation.
  • Enemy/Friends cross post: would you recognize your hands on someone else?
  • Chest scars. Conjoined twins?
  • Why is OJG freaking out? He meets NGJ and has a chance to ask questions! And instead he runs away. I have so many questions and he asked none of them. It’s like he’s not even thinking about me.
  • On a personal note, people always said Crockett looked like one of two people: Jake Gyllenhaal or Aaron Rodgers. If anyone is the NJG it’s him. (I can’t figure out how to make the below pictures smaller because I stopped being a pictureybloggy person so I apologize but hey at least they’re all handsome right?)
  • Speaking of a Friends crossover, OJGs mom is Isabella Rossellini and she was on Ross’s allowed to bang list.
  • Sorry, guys, I got unnecessarily excited there for a second. Is this all in OJG’s head? Because then is preggers made up too?
  • NJG is rehearsing something and it appears to be kidnapping OJG’s girlfriend. Not the kind of thing I would rehearse but then I’m not a dissatisfied Canadian fellow with a new twin.
  • OJG just let NJG out into his world in his clothes to pick up not-preggers. That is some fucked up boyfriending right there, OJG. You’re not doing Aaron Rodgers or Crockett proud, old me and Olivia Munn agree.
  • One hour and seven minutes down, thirty five minutes to go. Think of the other useful things I could have done with the 1500 words that this is going to end up being. I could have written about how Dean was just sleeping on the back of the chair and how he wiggled too much (his thing) and fell in between the cushion and the back of the chair and it was awesome.
  • The elevator operator was also at the sex club! OJG is taking the opportunity of a kidnapped girlfriend to break into NJG’s apartment cause he classy like that, and the elevator operator would apparently reeeeeealy like to go to the not 50 shades of gray party again if at all possible.
  • Ok they just straight up traded ladies. Ew.
  • Busted by the wedding ring mark. Sucks to be you, NJG. Although I would never ask ‘who are you’ except in a metaphorical sense, I guess, if someone I thought I knew showed up with a wedding ring shadow. Not-preggers sounded like she really meant it, like who are you stranger?
  • THIS IS SO AWKWARD AND really very dissatisfying. Preggers is fucking OJ
  • Um. I think NJG and not-preggers are dead. Good thing they were keeping up to date on their backups?
  • Remember the mysterious letter? Since OJG is pretending to be NJG and doesn’t know NJG is maybe dead, he’s opening it. It contains a key. Has anyone ever in the history of time mailed a key in a white envelope in a padded envelope?
  • Whatishappening
  • Ok, this is going to sound like I’m making it up, but OJG was just talking to his new pregnant wife person and she’d been replaced by a room sized spider. And now credits.
  • It says there are 16 minutes left.
  • Be honest, guys. Did one of you sneak in here and replace my wine with absinthe?
  • Ok the last 14 minutes are an interview with JG and the director. It’s over.

Whew. We made it, you guys. There were spiders and car crashes and doppelgängers but here we are. I don’t know if it was two crazy guys or one crazy buy. Everyone take a drink.

zubie zubie zu

March 3rd, 2015 by biscuit

  • Man Men does something to your head, doesn’t it? It makes everything seem slower. And sadder.
  • Having a puppy is hard. He’s big enough to climb on almost everything, smart enough to solve easy ‘hey she just put that on the TABLE, I can still reach it!’ problems, and young enough that chewing on things is how he investigates them. He’s also a motherfucking cutie pie, which helps.
  • Last night a woman came over to meet the dog portion of the family, to see if we’d all be comfortable with her as a dog sitter. She was GREAT.
  • The bathroom is definitely haunted. I was in the far stall (of the two) and someone came in and unzipped and sat down and then I zipped and flushed and went out to wash my hands and the OTHER STALL WAS EMPTY. Fuck that shit.
  • I like the musical guest stars on Hart of Dixie. I’ve mostly never heard of them … OH MY GOD. I just tried to google the newest one to be like ‘she’s a country star and you should check her out, she’s fun’ but she’s not a real country music star!! She’s an actress and they made her up! My life is a lie.

I obviously super duper have my shit together right now.

I might’ve known it would be red

February 17th, 2015 by biscuit

The bathroom at work that inspired my ‘common sense’ (i.e. wash your hands where I tell you to because I’m bossy) post has recently been the site of three new short episodes. The first two are weird, the third is gross and the primary topic here. Just warning everyone.

The first two are best represented by the IMs I sent immediately after they happened:

me: I was just in the bathroom and a woman came in and went into a stall and said OW a bunch of times and then started singing
friend: Ewww WTF
me: I have no idea

it was SO WERID
she must have had drinks at lunch or something
I can’t think of any other explanation
or she’s having a stroke
friend: I hope nothing scary is happening with her lady parts
me: she seemed generally pleased

despite the ‘ow‘s

It was true. The ow’s were somehow not troublesome. More like pulling off an  irritating bandaid that you’re super pleased to no longer have on your skin.

No one was found in the bathroom later having suffered from a stroke.

Second thing: 

so I was just in the same bathroom where the lady said ow ow ow the other day?
and there was someone who I am 85% sure was different
whispering to herself in the stall!
same friend: that is so weird
that bathroom makes people crazy!
me: the only thing I heard was ‘well that is disappointing’ but there was a LOT

Third thing. Same bathroom. (If you’re a man who knows me, just be aware this is about to get period-y. I don’t care if you read it as long as you don’t whine about it being yucky after I obviously forewarned you.)

I’ve been using a diva cup off and on for a couple of years, maybe? (Diva cup: a little cuppy thing you stick up into your vagina to collect menstrual blood. You change it every 8 – 12 hours unless you’re me in which case you change it once a day because a) I bleed a lot compared to how much I used to because of this dumb IUD but not actually that much in the grand scheme of things and b) I’m gross.) I would use it every day of every period if I could, but some days it doesn’t work, somehow. Like, you have to fold it and twist it and stuff and some days it just doesn’t fold and twist and you get tired of sticking silicone into yourself and spinning it around and pulling it back out, so you give up.

A couple of months ago, I took it out in the shower and my hand slipped while I was holding it and it hit the ground and bounced and I was covered in blood. It was very, very Carrie.

This morning was one of the not twisting and spinning and holding mornings. My damn period is almost over, so I put in a pantyliner and moved on with my day. It went fine (although I forgot deodorant because COME ON, there are only so many things a woman can remember on a given morning) but this afternoon I sneezed and I got that unpleasant ‘gosh something just came out of me’ feeling. (If you don’t know that feeling, that’s fine, but I suspect that means you’re a prepubescent woman or one of the aforementioned men who didn’t heed my warning. For you guys, it’s like … um, ok you know how sometimes you sneeze and you can tell a bunch of spit came out of your mouth? That’s the best I can do.)  I was wearing a red skirt. Red, good, skirt, bad, so I hightailed it to the bathroom to see what the damage was.

Minimal. However. The pantyliner had put up a good fight, but was ready for honorable discharge. I hadn’t brought any replacements to work, much less to the bathroom (downside of the diva cup, you get lazy) so I re-dressed and fiddled for a quarter. I tried the pad dispenser. It returned my quarter. I tried the tampon dispenser. It kept my quarter but gave me no tampon.

There was no option left for me but to build a toilet paper contraption that would last me until I found a better solution. You know the one – a wad of TP, with a long piece wrapped around it and the crotch of your underwear to hold it in place? Yeah, that one. As I was wrapping

deep breath

as I was wrapping, someone came in, and I realized that I had been muttering to myself.

I was talking to myself in the crazy talk to yourself bathroom. What was I saying? Don’t even know. Probably something about ow and being disappointed?


don’t you ever say I just walked away

February 11th, 2015 by biscuit

Dean peed on Maida’s head today. It left a cute yellow stripe. He was originally supposed to be neutered tomorrow, but that’s not happening now due to reasons that the foster coordinator explained over the phone while reception was bad.

I do know that neutering him won’t stop him from peeing on Maida’s head. He will of course still have a penis, and he will be able to point that penis at things, he just won’t have the dangly bits. I was sort of hoping that without the dangly bits he’d be less motivated to wake up at 4:09 am demanding belly rubs, wrestling, and her  warm spot near my belly from me, Agnes, and Maida respectively,  but that may have been wishful thinking. I don’t really understand testosterone, not having an ample internal source from which to draw.

Also, today I went to the dentist. At the dentist, I spent a lot of time alternately ‘ahahr ghgsh shsh’ing when there were hands in my mouth and ‘gosh I don’t know exactly what’s going on with me and Crockett’ when there weren’t, because the dentist went to college with Crockett and his charming wife who I actually love a lot would LOVE to come to a Crockett/Emma wedding.

Basically a lot of HOME TRUTHS today, people. I have the same friends and places to hang out and also dentists as I did when I had a boyfriend and sometimes that’s a pain in the ass, and I have a dog who pees really high instead of squatting like a delicate lady. This is my life now.

(What qualifies as a home truth? It doesn’t have to be, like, a real problem, does it? It can be a wussy I’m feeling sorry for myself because it’s just one of those times kind of problems, right? If not, please inform me of what I should be calling these issues.)

the basement

February 9th, 2015 by biscuit

I was totally sure I was going to be terrified of the basement when I moved into my new house.

Like, I was one hundred percent planning on installing a lock on the living room side. So much so that I’d planned my conversation with the people at the hardware store in order to minimize how likely they were to call the police and tell them some crazy chick had people locked under her house.

However, since moving in, it’s been sort of a non-issue. I mean, I don’t go DOWN there. Especially not at night, and really not even during the day when there’s no one else here. (Don’t worry, I put this thing that will beep really loud if it starts to flood on the floor. I am a responsible homeowner, after all. (As long as you have no questions about what else I’ve done.)) But I’m not nearly as stressed about it as I anticipated.

My little brother really thinks I should watch The Babadook. “A single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, battles with her son’s fear of a monster lurking in the house, but soon discovers a sinister presence all around her.”

Monster. House.



I want to watch it, I do, but.


Anybody wanna come over and watch it with me?