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Archive for July, 2009

thoughts while watching Event Horizon

Monday, July 13th, 2009

The following post was written between the hours of 9:30 and 11:00 pm on Wednesday night.

So I don’t know if you remember, but the tiniestsprinter and I started a movie club where we were going to review two movies every month – one of each of our choosing. The first movie we/I picked was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That was 2+ months ago, and neither of us has reviewed it.  I gave it my very best low-to-mediocre effort, and then bailed and did Let the Right One In instead.  At this point, when we should be on our fourth or fifth, we’re on our second. However, I am seated, in front of the television, with my computer, chips, my phone (why do I need my phone to review a movie? Technically I don’t. I do, however, need my phone to avoid having a nervous breakdown), and Event Horizon on my ginormous 38 inch television.

  1. Hey, y’all? We only have six years to establish the first permanent colony on the moon if we don’t want this movie makin fools of us. Someone better get on that.
  2. The EH disappeared beyond Neptune? Can anyone tell me, in a movie made in 1997 that takes place in 2047, is Pluto a planet? Did I just blow your mind? Maybe a little? Good.
  3. Sam Neill is a weird kind of heartthrob. Also, heartthrob is a weird word to use for someone who makes you feel all tingly. When you say your toe is throbbing that usually means you stubbed it and you’re cranky about it. Does that mean Sam Neill just stubbed my heart? Maybe it does, my loves, maybe it does. The chick from Jurassic Park and the dude from the Matrix? This movie is way awesome, cast wise.
  4. Adding to my Fuckit List – going into stasis in a liquid filled vertical coffin thingy. Or… just going into stasis period. I think that’d cover it.
  5. I wonder what my nickname would be on a ship. So far we have ‘funky spaceman’, ‘smitty’, ‘baby bear’ and ‘mama bear’. Oh and ‘doc’, which probably doesn’t count as a nickname.
  6. I never before realized that the technology in this movie is essentially a tesseract. I don’t think that Madeline L’Engle considered using a not-particularly-sexy pinup poster to illustrate the whole wrinkle in time concept though.
  7. I hate it when someone in a movie is wearing a tee shirt and I can’t read what it says. Jason Isaacs (i.e. D.J.) has something long written on his, and based on his character I bet it’s snarky and hilarious.
  8. It is so hot that my dogs are both laying on the floor on their sides fighting with just their heads, panting. No, that doesn’t have anything to do with the movie, I was just throwing that out there.
  9. Let’s just say I’m in space. And I’m a computer spaceship guru. I’m scanning for life on a ship, and I say ‘guys, I can’t get a fix on it. I’m showing life ALL OVER THE SHIP.’ I say it in a normal voice, not a capitalized voice, but still. That doesn’t concern anyone else I’m with? Following that, my buddies on the ship proceed to say that a hallway looks like a meat grinder, to get caressed by a disembodied floating hand, and, oh yeah, to find a recording of the last inhabitants of the ship crying and screaming in latin. This is not foreshadowing, guys. These are foreTRAFFICSIGNS. Big orange ones that say ‘bad news haunted ship ahead, turn around while you still can’.
  10. Also on my Fuckit List- being in a room with no gravity and floating blood and ‘organic matter’.
  11. The woman who had to leave her disabled child behind on earth just hallucinated him and his legs were covered with sores that seemed to be dripping  green algae. I want to know if that’s part of his wacky 2047 disability or the EH bein all tricky. Maybe algae sores are a thing in 40 years. Who knows, man.
  12. My DVD player just got stuck in an endless loop from 45:57 to 46:00. Using my own rules about foreshadowing, I’m now positive that the Event Horizon is coming for me.
  13. JUSTIN IS IN THE AIRLOCK AND HE ISN’T WEARING A SUIT. I remember this part. I’m choosing to believe that this is a very realistic portrayal of what would happen if one were to go into zero gravity with no suit. I have no reason to think that it isn’t – I mean, the science of this movie has been impeccable so far, OBviously. Apparently, first your eyeballs pop out. Then your veins get all extra veiny,  kind of like the one in my forehead gets when Maida steps on my keyboard and erases a long, well thought out blog post. Also, it clearly hurts like a sumbitch, based on Justin’s screams. Then, if you’re lucky, the captain body slams you back into where there is gravity. I have no idea what happens after that because no movie that I’ve seen has been awesome enough to demonstrate further than that.
  14. Ok, I just googled people exploding in space and according to this article Event Horizon really IS very accurate. I knew I wasn’t making that shit up. As I said, folks, six years to get to the moon.
  15. My DVD player just got stuck again. Unlike these wacky spacesuit-wearing haunted-ship-inhabiting mofos, I know when to say when. This will not only ensure my survival in the horror movie that I will eventually end up a part of, it will also allow me to go to bed.

This concludes the first successful review of the emmanation/tiniestsprinter movie club. Check back in two weeks – I may even get all the way through the movie next time, ya never know.


bringing sexy back

Saturday, July 11th, 2009

This is the last year I’ll be eligible to audition for American Idol. Next year I will be a very shocking 29 years old, and that is clearly MUCH too old to be an idol for the average person who still cares about the show. I’m not really sure who those people are, across the board, but apparently since I’m still 28 there is a chance they’ll still care about me.

I’m 87% sure that I’m going to audition. I have a song picked out (Let Him Fly, Dixie Chicks) and a backup song picked out (Rejazz, Regina Spektor). I have no idea what I’m going to wear, which may be a problem.

I thought about wearing one pink glove. I like pink, there’s an MJ reference, etc. But this chick beat me to it:

Of course, MJ isn’t the only cultural phenomenon that would make me memorable. Unfortunately, these two already covered the other ones I could think of:

Yeah, that's supposed to be princess Leia. Sorta.

After 15 minutes, I still can't find a picture of someone who dressed all Trekky for their AI audition. That cannot be right. Either way, I'm sure as hell not doing it - I was just kidding. I'm a little geeky but not THAT geeky.

I could also go the bikini route, but since that sorta raised Kara Dioguardi’s hackles last time someone tried it, I think I’ll pass. no. no.

Maybe, just thinkin, I’ll just be myself. Jeans? A skirt? A teeny tiny skirt? I am kind of a teeny tiny skirt girl.

I’m going to do it. Whats the worst that could happen? The very worst would be: I get mocked and they put the mocking on TV, then I get fired for taking the day off to audition.  I’m going to tell my boss that’s why I’m taking the day off, but maybe after I was mocked he’d decide I was no longer a good addition to the team.

Best that could happen is pretty obvious. The most likely outcome – I’ll have a pretty good time, I’ll do ok and may even get to see Randy and Paula and the jackass, and I’ll go back to work on Weds with some fun stories. Also, I’ll post some pictures during the process, especially if I see someone dressed in a Star Trek outfit. Promise.


The DB was going to be my +1, but since he’s a family man now he can’t come with me. Anyone else feel like standing in line for hours and hours and hours on Sunday and on Tuesday?

somebody help me, I couldn't see the ground

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

A few days ago, I believe I mentioned I would write about Burn Notice and Jeffrey Donovan.  Why was I going to write about Jeffrey Donovan again….. ?

Oh yeah:

This is why.

So Micheal is hot, obvs (look up),  and an ex-spy who has taught me everything I know about the spy business.

Guess what I’m going to do with all my newfound spy skills? Become a private detective. Yeah yeah yeah, I’ve blogged about it before, but I just found out that you don’t need a PI license to operate in Colorado. Let me say that again. You do not need a license to operate as a private investigator in Colorado. That means, quite simply, that all I have to do is put up my shingle and convince people that I’m trustworthy.

I realize that you’re all shaking your heads, thinking ‘but Emma, what about your bakery? What about when you wanted to take the MCAT? What about the job that you alternately love and hate?’ Hear me out. There are a lot of reasons I would be an awesome PI.

  • I’m good with the internet. Ok, not better than half the other 28 year old women out there, but certainly more competent than some 55 year old who’s cheating on his wife. Possibly his mistress will be an internet savvy 28 year old, but I can handle her. I mean honestly, how smart can she be, with boobs that big?
  • I try very hard not to be underestimated. I’m cocky and make a big deal out of my intelligence and my education partially so that I’m not just written off as a teeny cute little girl. I also do it partially because I am cocky, in case you were wondering. If I stopped doing it, however, and talked a lil slower… well, now, there’s no one in the world who would see all 5 feet of me as a threat.
  • I could go somewhere different every day and therefore wouldn’t get bored.
  • Sunny Randall usually brings Rosie. Stephanie Plum uses Bob as a reason  to snoop around neighborhoods where she’d otherwise look suspicious. I have the advantage on them, cause I have Cloey AND Maida.

june 061

  • And finally…. I read about Sunny, and Stephanie, and Kinsey, and Goldy (blah), and Nancy, and Kate, and Mary, etc. And of course I watch Veronica. What could there possibly be to know that these lovely crime fighting ladies haven’t taught me? If you’re saying to yourself ‘nothing’, well then, my friend, you’re exactly right.

I’m writing more about cute men. The DB is out of town. Correlation does not prove causation, I know, but it does seem to be sort of an unlikely coincidence.

thought I'd cry for you forever

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

I just finished Neil Gaiman’s The Graveyard Book. It was charming and scary in ways that I tend to think that children’s books can’t be. I can’t even estimate what age a kid should be to read it, but I know that a 28 year old girl thought it was simply the bee’s knee’s.

Then I found this:

The Day The Saucers Came-Neil Gaiman

That day, the saucers landed. Hundreds of them, golden,
Silent, coming down from the sky like great snowflakes,
And the people of Earth stood and
stared as they descended,
Waiting, dry-mouthed, to find out what waited inside for us
And none of us knowing if we would be here tomorrow
But you didn’t notice it because

That day, the day the saucers came, by some coincidence,
Was the day that the graves gave up their dead
And the zombies pushed up through the soft earth
or erupted, shambling and dull-eyed, unstoppable,
Cam towards us, the living, and we screamed and ran,
But you did not notice this because

On the saucer day, which was the zombie day, it was
Ragnarok also, and the television screens showed us
A ship built of dead-men’s nails, a serpent, a wolf,
All bigger than the mid could hold,
and the cameraman could
Not get far enough away, and then the gods came out
But you did not see them because

On the saucer-zombie-battling-gods
day the floodgates broke
And each of us was engulfed by genies and sprites
Offering us wishes and wonders and eternities
And charm and cleverness and true
brave hearts and pots of gold
While giants feefofummed across
the land, and killer bees,
But you had no idea of any of this because

That day, the saucer day the zombie day
The Ragnarok and fairies day, the
day the great winds came
And snows, and the cities turned to crystal, the day
All plants died, plastics dissolved, the day the
Computers turned, the screens telling
us we would obey, the day
Angels, drunk and muddled, stumbled from the bars,
And the bells of London were sounded, the day
Animals spoke to us in Assyrian, the Yeti day,
The fluttering capes and arrival of
the Time Machine day,
You didn’t notice any of this because
you were sitting in your room, not doing anything
not even reading, not really, just
looking at your cell-phone,
wondering if I was going to text back.

Neil Gaiman wrote that too.  And it, as far as I’m concerned, is a children’s poem up until the last two lines – at which point it becomes an emmapoem. He is a cool dude.

I’m so wiped. Today has been a no-good-terrible-horrible-very-bad-day. Nothing particularly noteworthy, just a lot of serious sad stuff. Thank heavens for those fabulous, creative individuals who make it their life’s work make books/poems/television shows/art that distract the rest of us when we need distracting.

i wanna do bad things to you

Monday, July 6th, 2009

Sookie Stackhouse.

Yummy. Bill and Sam… yummy. It’s weird for me because both those names have emotional resonance for me – but in the case of the hotness of Bill Compton and Sam Merlotte, I’m willing to make an exception. Cause… did I mention yummy?


I’ve been reading the Southern Vampire mystery series by Charlaine Harris for a couple of years now. Those, in case you’re not aware, are the now nine novels that True Blood , the sensation pictured above, is based on. I love them. Sookie is so very proper. Ms. Harris’s other heroines, Lily Bard, Aurora Teagarden, and Harper Connelly are all also very ladylike. I think Ms. Harris must be a proper southern lady, to be honest. Lily is not magic – she’s just a woman who was beaten and raped almost to death and now cleans houses and does a lot of karate. Seriously. There are not enough Lily Bard books – they’re my favorite of all Ms. Harris’s. Harper Connelly is my second favorite. She can sense dead bodies and sort of pick up their last moments. She and her step brother travel around the country doing that for money. Oh, and they’re in love. Yeah, it’s as awesome as it sounds.

I don’t even remember what’s cool about Aurora Teagarden, so that puts Sookie firmly third in my Charlaine Harris affections. I rented the first disc because my darling best friend since I was 13 recommended it, and made the ‘hey this is MY Sookie!’ discovery! I have to say that seeing her and Bill and Sam  is maybe nudging her up a little bit. That’s the opposite of how it usually works, right?

I think it might be cause Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are together in real life. I’m totally buying into their love, which I never did before. And did I mention yummy?

I have to get back to my show now. Cause there are vampires and psychics who need my undivided attention. Even psychics with big ol gaps between their teeth deserve some vampire lovin. (The gap thing bugs me. I’m letting it go right…. now.)