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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for August, 2009

thoughts while watching Delicatessen

Monday, August 31st, 2009

This week’s movie is Delicatessen. From the director of Amelie, if the movie cover above is to be believed. If you’ve seen Amelie, you know it’s a charming French romp. If you haven’t seen Delicatessen, all you need to know is what I said to the boyfriend in the car Saturday – ‘it’s about a guy who cuts people up and feeds them to other people’. Sadly, I said that in front of his four year old nephew… I don’t recommend that, if you ever find yourself in that position. The look I got from his mother sort of implied that she was about to cut me up and serve me to someone. Seriously.

Anyway, on to the stream of Delicatessen-inspired-consciousness. Once you’re done with the awesomeness that is to follow, go check out what the tiniest sprinter, Dawn, and Andrew thought!

*I’m not sure they’ve actually posted their reviews yet, I’m just being proactive.

** I just found out Sam, Dawn, and Andrew watched together. I am feeling sad and left out. Does anyone in CO want to be in the movie club? Pleeez?

I love big French noses.

I love movies that look like they’re lit by firelight. It’s most frequently foreign movies, isn’t it? It’s all orange and dirty looking.

Hey, it’s squished face dude! He looks like a cartoon. What else has he been in?

Aww. Squishy squishsquishsquish.

Aww. Squishy squishsquishsquish.

CREEPY. WINDUP. MONKEY. That is no good, no good at all.

This is actually not the monkey from the movie.. but it came up when I googled wind up monkeys and I couldnt resist.

This is actually not the monkey from the movie.. but it came up when I googled 'wind up monkeys' and I couldn't resist.

Cigarette smoking children. You just know they’re gonna die. That’s what happens when little kids smoke cigarettes – I know cause my momma told me so.

Ah! They’re doing one of those ‘music made with regular repetitive noises’ sequences! I love these. The pace setter for this one happens to be a big fat French man having sex, and the climax is someone falling off a ladder while someone else’s cello string busts while someone else explodes a bicycle tire. Oh, and the fat man doing his thing. I love french films.

Quote: “I call you Julie because I like you.  I won’t rush you.” Um. Her name is Julie. Therefore, this sentence makes very little sense to me.It’s clear that this man is a bad man, though, so it must be a bad thing to say. I guess.

Aww, Julie is taking off her glasses for her date with squishy face guy. I totally do that every time I meet someone new and have to take off my contacts. I just walk around blind. Seriously.

“Robert is a pervert an ass-wipe, a panty-eater.” A panty eater? Really?

What is the problem with troglodytes? They can be very well adjusted. Just look at this picture.

Happy part-troglodyte family.

Happy part-troglodyte family.

Who knew monkeys and clowns could make for such fucked up dreams? Sounds like a fabulous birthday party, but ends up like this:

I'm going to have nightmares about this monkey chasing me with an axe, no question about it.

I'm going to have nightmares about this monkey chasing me with an axe, no question about it.

Well... at least the monkey took care of the clown!

Well... at least the monkey took care of the clown.

Folks, I don’t know where to go from here. I could continue this sort-of-distracted-yet-awesome review, or I could leave you with the image of a screaming clown with an axe in his head. Decisions, decisions…. and…..

I’m leaving you with the clown. Have fun, you cute kids.

Emmanation rating: Red velvet cake with black frosting. Delicious but is going to turn your insides a funny color.

I'm not inclined to resign to maturity

Friday, August 28th, 2009

This is normally the kind of thing I would post on Sunday best, but several things are happening this weekend that make it unlikely that I’ll get around to that post.

Thing one is, of course, the delivery and installation of my new appliances!

Thing two is … I’m meeting the boyfriend’s parents. That’s right – I have made it seven and a half months (but who’s counting) with no more interaction than a distant wave from the background of a video call, and tonight I shall be in their presence. At least I think it will happen tonight – the boyfriend isn’t much of a planner. I made brownies and cupcakes in preparation for the meeting, which is again one of those things that would piss me off if another girl did it. “What are you trying to demonstrate?” I would angrily ask. “Are you trying to show them that you’ll be a good homemaker for their son? Is that YOUR responsibility? Why not show them your paycheck? Or your engineering degree?” However, I think the boyfriend may have mentioned the degree to them at some point, and the paycheck thing would just be weird. I like to bake. Free pass for me.

Anyway. There is a blog called Studies in Crap in the Village Voice. As far as I can tell, the author finds old crappy awesomeness and writes about it. Most recently, he found this book:

Yes, its called 20 of my favorite baby photos. Yes, its apparently sponsored by Lovers Lane All Meat Weiners.

Yes, it's called '20 of my favorite baby photos'. Yes, it's apparently sponsored by 'Lovers Lane All Meat Weiners'.

There is so much to say without even opening it up. Why, oh why, is an ‘all meat weiner’ company sponsoring a book of baby photos? Weiners and babies, as pointed out in the original blog, don’t exactly scream ‘advertising synergy’. Why is a weiner company called Lovers Lane? Why do they feel it’s necessary to say ‘all meat’? What are the alternatives?

WHY is there a caption next to the baby that says ‘sumpin’s burnin!’?

Turns out the caption thing has an answer.. sort of. There is a caption next to the baby to let you know that as you move through the book, you can expect to see all sorts of hilarious grown up type captions. For example:

Does it look like hes pretending to hold a cigar? I imagine he sounds something like Humphrey Bogart.

Does it look like he's pretending to hold a cigar? I imagine he sounds something like Humphrey Bogart.

He’s drooling. Either cause the woman he’s thinking about is just THAT terrific, or because he knows he’s getting franks for dinner. Either way, he’s growing up so fast (sniff, sniff).

Continuing the theme:

Beret. (I feel no need to elaborate.)

Beret. (I feel no need to elaborate.)

Baby, you have clearly had too much to drink. Maybe if your parents weren’t spending their money getting you all boozy they’d have enough to buy food other than skinless franks!

Or my personal favorite:

Grandpa? Is that you?

Grandpa? Is that you?

waiting on some beautiful boy

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

Where on earth have I been??

Firstly) I have been thinking up ideas for awesome blog posts. For example, a list of all of the sayings that piss me off. A prime example:

Keep it real.

Really? What does that mean, seriously? Are you talking about real as in REALITY? Cause if you know how to NOT be a part of reality, that’s a skill I would hone, my friend. And if you’re talking about just not bein a poser n stuff dude ya know, then you are the kind of person I want to really punch in the face.

Secondly) I have been buying this:

Because I needed it.

Because my old one ate a pair of sheets and died a horrible screaming death that may have permanently traumatized my dogs.

Because the one I had didnt fit with the new washer (literally didnt fit, not metaphorically).

Because the one I had didn't fit with the new washer (literally didn't fit, not metaphorically).

And….. this.

Because I truly truly needed it more than I need my blood or ... my hair or... something else pretty crucial.

Because I truly truly needed it more than I need my blood or ... my hair or... something else pretty crucial.

Thirdly) I have been obsessing with interviewing for a new job.

Fourthly) Um… I don’t know, I actually think that’s sort of it. But that seems like enough. Anyway, regular blogging to resume post haste. Sadly, I didn’t write down any of the awesome ideas I mentioned in Firstly, above, but I’m sure some of them will come back to me.

Oh, fifthly) I have been watching Season 9 of CSI. I like Morpheus in this role, seriously.

OH and sixthly) I have been breaking my heart trying to decide between going to see fun. and going to see the Killers. In town the same night. How does something like that even HAPPEN?

Nate, from fun.

Nate, from fun.

Brandon, from the Killers.

Brandon, from the Killers.

Please, please. Don’t make me choose.

Thoughts while watching 'Space Buddies' (Alt. title: Doggie Style)

Monday, August 17th, 2009

The tiniestsprinter is calling some bullshit ‘computer emergency’. If he were a real blogger…. anyway. Andrew (from I Will Yes, otherwise known as the guy who schooled me with some literary quotage, otherwise known as Yes I said Yes) DID post his. Dawn, who was the driving force behind the movie choice, also posted hers. Yay Andrew and Dawn. Boo Sam.

HahahhaaHAHAH I am so funny.  I must be the only person alive who has considered making a doggy style joke in reference to this movie.

You guys, my heart is not in this tonight. A movie about DOGS, in SPACE? What could conceivably be better? I need to shake this cranky ass mood off. Right…. now. Done.

The Movie Club movie this cycle is Space Buddies.

Uh oh. Is that the only girl dog... in pink? GiGANtic sigh. How do you end up with empowered women if... ok sorry, dogs. Puppies. Cute. Moving on.

Uh oh. Is that the only girl dog... in pink? GiGANtic sigh. How do you end up with empowered women if... ok sorry, dogs. Puppies. Cute. Moving on.

We’re going to have a style change tonight. If I give you my actual ‘thoughts while watching Space Buddies’ I’m pretty sure there would be a lot more of what you’re seeing in the caption above, and the point of movie club is not to get all worked up about what we’re teaching our little girls. The point of movie club is to be at least a teeny bit funny and bond long distance with taylor, sam, and whoever else wants to be supercool.

The entire movie is based on the puppies shown above. Their names, in order, are Rosebud, Budderball, Buddha, B-dawg, and Mudball. The spudsmckenzie dog whose gravity suit doesn’t seem to be functioning quite as well is Spudnick. Not pictured is the ferret, voiced by Amy Sedaris. That’s right – Amy Sedaris. As a ferret.

No, this is not appropriate for the Space Buddies target audience. Yes, I did in fact have to make this because no one that I could find had yet stuck naked Amy Sedaris next to a ferret.

No, this is not appropriate for the Space Buddies target audience. Yes, I did in fact have to make this because no one that I could find had yet stuck naked Amy Sedaris next to a ferret.

The puppies actually belong to children. I would describe the children for you, but they’re pretty much exactly the same as the puppies. Girly, nerdy, quasiasian, poser, um… sorta dirty. Done. However, they must be some of the luckiest kids on the planet because their puppies are smart enough to get into a space station.

I have tried this. Not taking dogs into space – taking dogs into places they’re not supposed to go. I can’t get a dog into a library and these dogs got themselves into a space stationy thing. I am humbled.

Anyway. The dogs get into space. They find little doggy spacesuits somewhere (either I missed where or the target audience doesn’t care about silly details like that). At that point, the adventure begins – oh yes it does.

Theres a little of this.

There's a little of this.

A little of this.

A little of this.

Not nearly enough of this.

Not nearly enough of this.

But the end! Oh the end!

Ok, fine. I didn’t finish it. I’m assuming they get home, right? Right?

I’m left with a couple of questions, though. First, why all goldens? I get that Air Bud started the franchise… but the CGI is not great and the dogs aren’t that easy to tell apart. Why not a golden, a terrier, a pug, a dane, and a labradoodle? Diversity, Disney. I know you’re working on that in your other cartoons, but species discrimination is still discrimination.

Second, did you know that Santa Buddies comes out in a mere two months? You’ll find me outside the theater at midnight the night before, just in case it sells out.

Actual IMDB quote: If you enjoying this title, our database recommends MVP: Most Vertical Primate.

Actual IMDB quote: If you enjoyed this title, our database recommends "MVP: Most Vertical Primate". No word on if the vertical primate will be wearing pink. Probably not - standing up straight is for the menfolk.

Emma’s rating: vanilla birthday cake with vanilla frosting from a can. And boring colored sprinkles.

in the jungle, the mighty jungle

Friday, August 14th, 2009

We went to open mic last night and a microphone stand tipped off the stage and hit me in the back – really. fucking. hard. Once of my tattoos is a little purplish this morning, because there is most definitely a bruise forming under there.

I think that was my preemptive karma for the post I am about to write.

When I was in middle school, I had this friend. Let’s call her… well, actually, if she reads this it will be pretty clear who I’m talking about, so let’s just call her Kristie. Kristie and I had an oldies a cappella group, wore a lot of Spandex, and were generally good kids who thought we were bad. We used to watch Studs on cable late at night at her house. Do you guys remember that show? My eleven year old self found it incredibly dirty, but I’m not sure how bad it really was.

Kristie moved away before sixth grade, and we wrote letters with Lisa Frank stickers on them for a few months. Like 12 year old girls are inclined to do, we pretty rapidly forgot about each other – what with all the ‘are my boobs big enough for a bra yet’ and ‘oh my god why won’t mom let me shave my legs’ drama. That’s what was going on with me, and I assume it was much the same for her.

We have since reconnected through the magic of Facebook. I admit I over-book sometimes, but I generally try not to make updates that don’t have at least mild entertainment value for those of my 196 friends who haven’t hid me from their feed. A small sample of my recent updates:

Emma just got punched by a microphone. True story.

Emma needs a new nemesis.

Emma found wet cement and can’t think what to write – very stressful, that level of permanence.

I’m no tiniestsprinter (sample: Sam lost 20lbs in 2 weeks on the no-water-all-barf diet! you can too!), but I like to think I inspire a smile or two.

Kristie takes a somewhat different approach. Here are her updates from the last several days. I am not cherry picking the ones that best illustrate my point – these are all of them, in chronological order. She does not work her name into them like I do, so I will not preface each with “Kristie”. Typos are hers.

Yep, I’m hungry, need some food. Tues 1:01 pm

I know it’s early but I have meatloaf in the oven. yummy Tues 1:56 pm

Just relaxing and watching tv Tues 7:46 pm

So yeah woke up crabby today, watch out I’m not in a good mood. I am gonna go to Pets Mart today in hopes it’ll help make my mood better. Olivia needs a new leash. Weds 7:24 am

waiting for cheezteak to open so I can get me and JJs lunch. Weds 9:54 am

Lets see, wen to Pet Smart, went to Walmart, went to Kohls, and then went to Cheezteak, now we’re home relaxing our fully bellies and doing nothing. Weds 11:16 am

I have cleaning to do today and have to do laundry. I’m not excited about it. Thurs 7:25 am

Well, got laundry going, sweeped up the patio and then the kitchen, then vaccumed, umm general pickup done. Fed the kid and the dog, cleaned up the office and put mroe crap away, used some spacebags, and I think that’s it for now. Thurs 9:52 am

Well, I’ve put away laundry, and Quinn even helped me fold some. Now just waiting for the next load to come out of the dryer, then more folding and putting away. Got the lunch thing covered thanks to Jamie, he’s getting me some food. Thurs 11:20 am

Well, finished laundry for the day, and put it away, and ran to walmart to get some stuff. Thurs 1:20 pm

Ad infinitum.

My first thought was that maybe she’s on twitter and linked that to her facebook feed. There are no links or hashes, but this is the kind of pedantic miniblogging that’s better suited to twitter, fo sho.  However, no such luck – I checked high and low and she is nowhere to be found.

Basically, she’s either pretty sure this is what facebook is for… or she’s pretty sure this is the most interesting thing she has to offer. I can’t see what her Missouri friends are saying. For all I know they’re all constantly updating each other on the status of their laundry and sharing what they’re picking up for lunch for their husbands. Maybe Kristie looks at my status and says “Emma, that’s all well and good that you are trying to come up with your superhero name, but how did you sleep last night? Did you shop at Walmart today? Come on, the public has a right to know!”