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emmanation

You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for August, 2009

whack-a-mole

Thursday, August 13th, 2009

My friend Emily had a GREAT idea. She and I and a few of our other friends met like four years ago. Through Craigslist. Emily wanted to start a bookclub that was not made up of women in their fifties who’d known each other since cheer squad. We started with close to 20 members, I think, and eventually whittled ourselves down to a core group of awesomeness. We’ve spread out since (north, south, and in one case all the way to Seattle) and don’t actually meet anymore.

Until now. Ok – this isn’t techinically a book club, it’s more of a blog, but it’s one in which we can and will review books for each others benefit.

Em was going to put it together, I think – we talked about it Monday night at a birthday party and I sort of lost track. However, Emily has a real job (by which I mean she does not spend all day staring at a computer screen). She’s a librarian for a big ol library and has to actually, ya know, talk to people and stuff. I have no such constraints, and I just finished a book that I really wanted to write about, so I jumped on in.

If Em had something else in mind this link may soon be unapplicable, but for now the site is The Last Count of Tequila. Go. Read. Love.

P.S. Wondering about the name? Me too. I think it’s based on the first word of the title of our favorite books, in the order we were sitting around the table. I clearly misunderstood, because my contribution was ‘last’, which is the first WORD of Rebecca, which is not my favorite book. Oh well.  The was from Brianna and I have no idea what book she was referencing. Count was from Les, and is referring to ‘of Monte Cristo’. Of was Em’s, as I recall, and again I have no idea what book it’s from. Of Mice and Men maybe? That would be appropriately literary. And Katie’s contribution was … To Kill a Mockingbird. That’s where we went with that. You’re welcome.

Just something that the east coast does to me, makes me forget who I am

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

I am a seriously awesome girlfriend. I’m just throwing that out there – modesty to the wind and all that.

I’m not claiming to be Rachel Knauss or anything. I mean, she got a certificate and everything!

I am, however, pretty slick. Here is just a small sampling of the cool things I do for my man:

  • Throw out expired food from his refrigerator and only mildly mock him for having three year old butter while I do it.
  • Arm him with coffee and fresh cherry pie* in the morning, the better to face his day.
  • Consult on his soon-to-be-legendary iPhone app.
  • Take him to the emergency room.
  • Make regular pick-up and drop-off airport runs.

If I weren’t a pastry chef, btw, the anti-feminism of those first two would make me punch myself in the nose. However, since food is my art and not something I do because of my gender, I’m going to let it slide.

*I am not using cherry pie as a euphemism. I really make cherry pie for breakfast.

Where was I going with this?
Oh, right.

The boy came over to help me decorate a cake that I’m making for his nephew. It does happen to be a Barney cake, and it does happen to be pretty cool. It was, interestingly enough, made with the assistance of three not-as-small-as-I-thought-they-were gin and tonics.  (The boy only had one tasty beverage, and yet he was the one who ended up making inappropriate boy parts for Barney out of fondant).

Yeah, I was plowed. Seriously. I don’t know how it happened, but I got extra plus drunk on a Tuesday night. I’m just that cool, I guess.

I’ll post pictures of the cake tomorrow, maybe, because it is pretty fun, but the niftiest part of the evening came later. We went out for calamari salad at the Empire (dear god I would eat that every night of my life), and I started wondering how long it would take him to find out if I cheated on him and announced it via twitter. Wondering out loud, at length. Long enough for him to ask, several times, if I was cheating on him. (I’m not).

I’m not really clear what that conversation does to my status as awesome girlfriend, but I do know I found it hilarious and quite fascinating. I mean, he’s not on twitter. The people who know both of us that are on twitter definitely have a stronger loyalty to me (I think). It’s entirely possible that I could essentially screw around, announce it to millions of people, and yet never get found out. Wacky, huh? I even considered giving it a trial run, but was foiled by the complexity of unlocking an iPhone while hammered.

Doing it, of course, would make me a bad girlfriend. Who makes super fun Barney cakes.

Later addition:

After Barney was removed for consumption and the cake was half devoured.

After Barney was removed for consumption and the cake was half devoured.

Sunday Best

Sunday, August 9th, 2009

This is Alice. Alice sings for Crystal Castle, apparently. Alice drinks my personal brand of vodka straight from the bottle. Alice has the coolest fucking haircut ever. Im torn between marrying her and SWFing her - or maybe one then the other.

This is Alice. Alice sings for Crystal Castle, apparently. Alice drinks my personal brand of vodka straight from the bottle. Alice has the coolest fucking haircut ever. I'm torn between marrying her and SWFing her - or maybe one then the other.

Be sexy without having sex? What is the point in that? Jeez. Somebody should have run this by me, for sure.

Be sexy without having sex? What is the point in that? Jeez. Somebody should have run this by me, for sure.

Ohhhhhh! Youre being chaste for YOU, and sexy so your man doesnt leave you for someone who will have sex with him. I get it. Wait... do I get it? Candies Foundation, Im not sure I get it. Can you explain it again?

Ohhhhhh! You're being chaste for YOU, and sexy so your man doesn't leave you for someone who will have sex with him. I get it. Wait... do I get it? Candie's Foundation, I'm not sure I get it. Can you explain it again?

This makes me think of Heathers. I heard there was going to be a sequel or a remake or something..... did anyone else hear that? Anyway, dont try suicide, cause nobodys worth it.

This makes me think of Heathers. I heard there was going to be a sequel or a remake or something..... Anyway, don't try suicide, cause nobody's worth it.

“Sometimes along the way in my life I don’t want a smart woman, right now I want a dumb woman,” he said.

“Sometimes along the way in my life I don’t want a smart woman, right now I want a dumb woman,” he said.

Hey, remember when I was obsessed with big boobs? Now Im obsessed with parellel monogamous relationships. Which are apparently the future. Im so on the ball.

Hey, remember when I was obsessed with big boobs? Now I'm obsessed with polyamory. Which is the future, according to this article. I'm so ahead of the curve. (Aside from being futuristic, I have no idea what this picture has to do with polyamory being the future of relationships, but it clearly does.)

And finally….

I love you. I will miss you. Best. Legacy. Ever.

I love you. I will miss you. Best. Legacy. Ever.

swapping your blood with formaldehyde

Friday, August 7th, 2009

Slate, my second favorite daytime educational resource (read: website I fuck around on while at work), has devoted this week to a series of articles about the end of America.

There were a lot of very interesting subjects discussed. Swear. However, my personal favorite was the ‘chose your own Apocalypse‘ interactive feature.

I can not  make this stuff up.

Basically, you got 144 different crises that could lead to the end of America, the free world, or the entire planet, depending on how you mixed and matched. Each one had a backstory of sorts, but since I couldn’t be bother to read 144 entire paragraphs, here are those I find most amusing based on nothing but their titles. The numbers indicate their current popularity among the 60,000 Slate readers who have chosen their own Apocalypse.

1. Loose Nukes – I know. Nuclear weapons, not funny. But am I the only one who is picturing a bunch of cartoon warheads zig zagging around in the air over the US, with big googly eyes and their tongues hanging out? I am? Ok, moving on.

6. Obesity – Fat people just can NOT catch a break!

11. Red vs. Blue
12. Decadence
17. Laziness

The colors start to get feisty, and we’re too busy overdecorating our houses and refusing to exercise to do anything about it … all hell breaks lose?

23. Corporate Takeover – Like, a corporation that’s not part of the world? Huh.
24. Obama as God – I’m pretty sure this one already happened. (I know, straight to hell with me.)
25. Supervolcano – Pleasepleaseplease can this be a movie staring Pierce Brosnan?

Run from the SuperVolcano, Pierce! Faster! Faster! Its SUPER!

Run from the SuperVolcano, Pierce! Faster! Faster! It's SUPER!

26. Dec. 21, 2012 – In the spirit of lazy decadence, I’m not going to google this. I’m just going to assume they think that Christmas depression will finally kill us all.


28. The Rapture
– technically only the devout would disappear. Wouldn’t it be business as usual for the rest of us, albeit with fewer books like this?
29. Big Brother – If they mean the show, then yes. 1000 times yes.
31. Math and Science – Fortunately, as long as the rapture happens first, there will be no problems whatsoever here.
37. Voluntary Human Extinction – um… all of us? Really? Does that seem likely to anyone?
48. The Matrix

Find Keanu and well be fine. I fully believe that any race that has Keanu and Pierce will never fail.

Find Keanu and we'll be fine. I fully believe that any race that has Keanu and Pierce will never fail.


51. Gray Goo
– I have nothing to say here. Gray Goo could and might cause the Apocalypse.
68. End of English – How would this cause the end of America? No, really.
73. The End of History – Conversely, is there a way that this doesn’t mean the end of everything? I mean, isn’t this just another way of saying that?
85. Rods From God – I am hoping against hope that this means hot rods, and we’re all going to expire while watching ‘Fast, Furious, and Godly’.
89. Suburban Slums – Louisville CO, West Side.
107. Vermont Independence – Maple syrup? Is that the problem? Cause I like maple syrup as much as the next girl, but I’m not sure it would lead me to (say) voluntarily extinct myself.
115. Space Harvesting – The next Will Smith blockbuster.
118. Money Virus – Yep. If the money dies, we die. Fo sho.
126. Cell Phones

This of course excludes iPhones, right? Right, guys?


132. Diet
– Obesity AND Diet? Make up your minds, Apocalypse gods! Damn you!

139. End of Homeownership – They had 143 and needed 144 to make a rectangle. That is the only possible explanation for this one.

Are you wondering what I think the Apocalypse is going to look like? Three words.

Supercollider. Bottled Water.


that's when I knew she was pretending

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

True Forced Loneliness.

Doesn’t that sound sad? Don’t you just want to find and hug people who are truly being forced into loneliness? I’m imagining someone locked in a cellar by a cruel landlord, perhaps, or someone sent alone into space because she is the only one with the knowledge necessary to save the planet.

Umm. Nope. True Forced Loneliness (the link is disabled for now I think – I’ll get to that in a second) is these superawesome guys who got together (mostly on youtube) to complain about how they are incapable of getting the love they so richly deserve. The reason they can’t get this love? Women. Specifically feminists, but they’re more than willing to lump any woman who rejects them into the feminist category.

The ringleaders of this love-fest are these three:

Steve Hoca – he runs marathons and thinks that alone should get him endless streams of… ahem… pussy.

Bill – Sadly, youtube has now disabled Bill’s account. I am soooo sad that I can no longer listen to him refer to women as trolls and rant about the GAME. Yes, he says it in capital letters.

Dwayne – He lives off of disability checks because he is 450 lbs. He is proud of both of those things.

So, there is a small possibility that I would normally find this lamentable but kinda funny. I mean, could they be more ridiculous?

Normally. Prior to George Sordini. If you’re not aware, he just killed 3 women and injured nine more with 52 shots fired in a gym in Pennsylvania. Prior to this act of psychosis, he was active in the True Forced Loneliness movement and he maintained a personal blog that included the following statements.

Just got back from tanning, been doing this for a while. No gym today, my elbow is sore again. I actually look good. I dress good, am clean-shaven, bathe, touch of cologne – yet 30 million women rejected me – over an 18 or 25-year period. That is how I see it. Thirty million is my rough guesstimate of how many desirable single women there are. A man needs a woman for confidence…. This type of life I see is a closed world with me specifically and totally excluded. Every other guy does this successfully to a degree. Flying solo for many years is a destroyer.

Every woman in the world is rejecting him. Even though he is good looking and smells good. All of us.

I was reading several posts on different forums and it seems many teenage girls have sex frequently. One 16 year old does it usually three times a day with her boyfriend. So, err, after a month of that, this little hoe has had more sex than ME in my LIFE, and I am 48. One more reason. Thanks for nada, bitches! Bye.

If the sadness in the rejection paragraph was not a warning sign, the fact that he admits to frequenting forums in which underage individuals talk about their sex lives might have been.

Black dudes have thier choice of best white hoez

The craziness here is self evident and disturbing. He manages to be racist and sexist in so few words – what a feat. Also, he misspells ‘their’ in the same way I always do.

It is difficult to live almost continuously feeling an undercurrent of fear, worry, discontentment and helplessness. I can talk and joke around and sound happy but under it all is something different that seems unchangable and a permanent part of my being.

If he hadn’t taken his crazy out of it’s little box, I might have actually felt sorry for him. I don’t know what a life of solitude is like, and I don’t know how tempting it must be to find someone to blame that on. I do know that while this is not the first crime committed against women for reasons like this, it is getting more attention for being such a crime. I also know that Bill (remember, the TFL guy from above?) thinks that this crime could have been prevented if women just hadn’t been so cruel and had stopped playing the GAME.

You wanna see him say it? It takes awhile, but for a true sense of palpable craziness this video pretty much can’t be beat. Youtube will likely pull it, as they’ve pulled Bill’s whole profile, but if you do get to watch it, remove all projectiles from your reach before you hit play. Just a suggestion.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph6blNRSQ-0]