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emmanation

You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for September, 2009

down to the wire, we're gonna make it

Thursday, September 17th, 2009

Sigh. BIG GINORMOUS sigh.

I just wrote a long, hilarious post about these geeky watches that I found online, and when I tried to upload it it vanished. This is exceptionally depressing and while I can try to duplicate it, it will never be the same. SIGH.

Anyway. Yesterday I was reading an article on Maxim.com (yes, there is a tiny feminist crying in the corner of my mind, thank you for asking) about geeky watches. One thing led to another and soon I was doing what I do best – mining these internets for useless bullshit. I found about a billion geek watches that were hilariously awesome. I listed eight in the original post but now I’m tired and will only show you the coolest ones. They’re all by TokyoFlash, who is apparently the go to company if you do not actually want to know what time it is when you look at your wrist.

Equalizer

Equalizer

Pretend you’re looking at a soundboard. Now do you see it? The best part is that you’ll only get the single lights… you know, the ones that are showing you what time it is… for five seconds. Then it will actually look like a soundboard, with the rows lighting up randomly. This watch is perfect for a) giving yourself epilepsy and b) staring at your wrist waiting for your watch to deign to tell you the time.

Tibida

Tibida

What are those rows of lights on top, you ask? They’re telling you what time it is, obviously. Oh what? You don’t know how to read binary? Ok, hold on … 2 plus 8 plus.. wait that can’t be right. Let me start over. One plus 8… whatever. You figure it out. The boxes on the bottom will apparently tell you the date and the seconds, assuming you don’t shoot yourself because the lines at the top have destroyed whatever you believed to be true about your intelligence.

Infection

Infection

First, gross name, TokyoFlash. Really. I would not necessarily have seen a virus when I looked at this, so thank you for that. Second – wondering how you tell time with this one? I’m not even going to explain. I’ll just tell you that it’s 3:56 in the image above.  And yes, I may have used my fingers when figuring that out. I have an engineering degree, damn it!

I know I said three watches.. but… there’s one that came up in several geek watch searches that I find completely ungeeky and now crave with my whole heart and soul. It’s been discontinued and I cannot find it anywhere, which is depressing, but rest assured that if one pops up on eBay and one of you is bidding against me it will be WAR.

Half-Past Watch

Half-Past Watch

This one is not by TokyoFlash, shockingly enough. It was designed by Frank Gehry and that’s his handwriting. When it’s xx:30 it says ‘half past xx’. How fucking cool is that? This is the exact opposite of TokyoFlash – instead of making me work to figure out what time it is, it doesn’t even make me work to translate time into speech. I love it. That may or may not mean my brain is melting (and if it is I blame twitter), but whatever. I love this watch.

New Movie Club Pick

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

It’s my turn!! So much pressure, especially after the raging success of my last pick.

This week, we’re going with ….

Yes, I realize how much this looks like it might turn out to be another American Haunting. I don’t care dammit – I’m going to keep trying until I get it right.

Movies reviews will be posted Sept 28th, and the movie is actually available for streaming on Netflix. As per ewzh, if you’d like to join the movie club regulars and myself, you’re MORE than welcome. Just email me a link to your blog or send me the text of your review at emmanationblog at gmail.com.

what in the world happened to you?

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

I’m going through a funk. It happens to everyone, but there might be something about this time of year that encourages it because I happen to know I’m not the only one.  I’m looking for ways to get out of said funk, and if they work I’ll share them with my funkified friends.

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.

1) Stop bitching. It just reinforces whatever I’m upset  about. This one is a shame because I sort of rock at bitching, but I’m going to work on it. Really.

2) Stop drinking. As the tiniestsprinter pointed out, it very rarely actually improves your mood.

3) Take better care of my loved ones. My Clo was sick on Monday and I took some time off work that I really couldn’t afford to take her to the vet, and I’m very glad I did that.

4) Stop spending money all willy nilly. The idea that treating myself to make myself feel better only works until the novelty of the treat has worn off.

5) Listen to music I haven’t heard in a long time. For example, right now I’m listening to Pandora and my station is Reel Big Fish, and it rocks like very little has ever rocketh before.

6) Take better care of myself. This and the ‘taking better care of my loved ones’ is where the vegan thing comes in, I think.

7) Exercise! I’m sucking at this one this week because my marathon is on Sunday and I’m working on being well rested, and that definitely has to do with the funk.

I think that’s all.  I sort of let my happiness project fall by the wayside, but I’m going spend the rest of this month working on cultivating friendships. Steps I’ll take towards that goal (courtesy of Gretchen Rubin):

  • Say hello, use good manners
  • No gossip (ouch)
  • Listen, smile, stop talking
  • Cut people slack
  • Bring people together
  • Work to make new friends
  • Show up

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBNy3l3Me5o]_

You can't catch me! (Thoughts while watching The Gingerdead Man)

Monday, September 14th, 2009

First, I have something to get off my chest. The bakery where the Gingerdead Man is originally born is possibly the
worst bakery in the history of the world.
There are the simple baking issues. For example:
None of the racks of baked goods are covered.
The gingerbread dough is kneaded for like 20 minutes. Best case scenario, this is going to create a rock hard cookie that
anyone would be hard pressed to bite through. Worst case scenario, it’s going to turn into a reanimated serial killer.
Where the hell did she get that foot tall gingerbread man cookie cutter and why did she stay late to bake a single, rock-hard
(see above) gingerbread cookie? No one is going to buy that shit, honey. No wonder you’re not a particularly successful business.
More importantly, there are the HEALTH CODE issues.
An employee BLED in the spice mix. Um, hello?
That damn rat (planted by an enemy but still a freaking rat) just crawled around on every damn thing.
Someone was incinerated in the oven. Admittedly, I don’t know for sure that the health department frowns on that, but
I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that they do.
The cookies bleed when you bite them. Right. That’s not just a health code violation, it’s a violation of my humanity.
Whew. I feel so much better! Now onto the movie.

Movie club movie club movie club! As per ewzh, go check out what Sam, Dawn, and Andrew thought. Again, I watched this one alone, but I did receive a very nice offer from a reader to co-watch – unfortunately, I received it last night when I went to check if anyone had sent a contribution. Maybe next time.  If you watched it and want to review it, it’s not too late (for example, as of this writing none of the slackers above have posted their reviews). emmanationblog at gmail.com. Do it.

First, I have something to get off my chest. The bakery where the Gingerdead Man is originally born is possibly the worst bakery in the history of the world.

There are the simple baking issues. For example:

  • None of the racks of baked goods are covered.
  • The gingerbread dough is kneaded for like 20 minutes. Best case scenario, this is going to create a rock hard cookie that anyone would be hard pressed to bite through. Worst case scenario, it’s going to turn into a reanimated serial killer.
  • Where the hell did she get that foot tall gingerbread man cookie cutter and why did she stay late to bake a single, rock-hard (see above) gingerbread cookie? No one is going to buy that shit, honey. No wonder you’re not a particularly successful business.

More importantly, there are the HEALTH CODE issues.

  • An employee BLED in the spice mix. Which was actually cremated serial killer ashes. And then they used it to make cookies. Um, hello?
  • That damn rat (planted by an enemy but still a freaking rat) just crawled around on every damn thing.
  • Someone was incinerated in the oven. Admittedly, I don’t know for sure that the health department frowns on that, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that they do.
  • The cookies bleed when you bite them. Right. That’s not just a health code violation, it’s a violation of my humanity.

Whew. I feel so much better! Now onto the movie.

The Gingerdead Man 1 was sooo much better than I expected. The Gingerdead Man 2 includes the line ‘rise, haunted dildo’ in the first five minutes.

The original Gingerdead Man is based on the premise that Gary Busey kills a girl’s father and brother during a restaurant holdup, but mysterious spares her due to some conflicting advice he may or may not have once received from his mother. Once he realizes he’s about to be arrested, he tells the girl he’ll come back and get her… NO… MATTER… WHAT. I.e. when he’s dead.
Sarah, the not-murdered-for-reasons-that-are-unclear-girl, returns home to her bakery, her alcoholic mother, her trampy cute friend/cake decorator, and her hopes-to-be-a-pro-wrestler baking assistant. A crisis that will eventually befall all small town independent bakeries befalls our dear heroine, and a big chain bakery moves into town. She’s offered 50 grand to shut down by the owner said chain. Before she is able to weigh the pros and cons of selling out, however, Sarah recieves a shipment of unknown origin labeled merely ‘Gingerbread Man Spice Mix’. The person delivering it is wearing a hooded cape in Texas in the summer, but possibly that’s de rigeur for Belly Bakery delivery folks because it doesn’t phase Sarah at all. Even when immediately following the delivery, her cute lil assistant chick tells her that the killer was killed, cremated, and his ashes were delivered to his mother. Equally as acceptable, apparently, is that when Brick the baking assistant cuts his hand he bleeds into the spice mix. Yes, I bitched about it above but I do have to mention it again, cause bloody spice mix is nobody’s friend.
Turns out the mixture of blood and creepy hooded person delivered spice mix turns a regular old gingerbread man into a GingerDead Man. Who woulda thunk it? With the help of Lorna the-bitchy-weirdly-small-breasted-for-a-movie-like-this-blond and Amos the-unexpectedly-smart-and-considerate-local-hoolum, Sarah … sort of … defeats the returned only slightly more doughy Gary Busey.

I know that when I write it out like this, it probably doesn’t sound so appealing. However, there are two things you need to know. First, the acting is actually really quite good. With the exception of the cute/trashy assistant (whose name I didn’t catch, in case that hasn’t come across by now), everyone in the cast could be dropped into a major league blockbuster without a hitch. Second, it is emminently quoteable. I would like to give you some examples of said quotes, but rest assured they use the words ‘crazy’ or ‘fucking’ in conjunction with ‘poppin-fresh’ and ‘pillsbury doughboy’ just enough to be hilarious. Someone also utters the phrase

Now it’s time to meet your maker, prepare to face the butcher baker, for tonight your ass is toast.

I’ll leave you in suspense as to who it is, but rest assured you too will giggle uncontrollably.

Moving on. The Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust is the worst movie we’ve watched since starting movie club, hands down. You know how when you’re watching porn, you think ‘wow this sucks – good thing there’s some nudity etc to distract me’? Yeah, me neither. But if I did know that feeling, that’s the feeling I would have been feeling while watching this movie… except there’s no NUDITY! Ok, that’s not strictly true, but there’s none anyone in their right mind would want to see. The nubile young virgin in the fake movie that the real movie is about is neither young, nubile, nor a virgin. The hot dude has Buffy-The-Vampire-Slayer style facial trauma. And as far as quotability goes, the best I got (0ther than the dildo line quoted above) is:

I just had rejuvenation surgery on my undercarriage.

and

You’re making my loaf rise.

Honestly. Grossness.

Emmanation rating:
GDM1: Coconut lime cupcakes slightly past their expiration date with mysterious red streaks you choose to ignore.
GDM2: Chocolate supermarket cupcakes in a dumpster with rats actively chewing on them.

oh noes

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

So…. you know that post from yesterday? Sam’s, about veganism?

Last night I was at the Empire having the evermoredelicious calamari salad, and I started talking my way through the vegan thing. Why am I not vegan? I mean, aside from:

Not the actual Empire calamari salad, but a mediocre photographic imitation.

Not the actual Empire calamari salad, but a mediocre photographic imitation.

and

Mmm. Cheese.

Mmm. Cheese.

and of course

Most likely NOT a vegan cupcake.

Most likely NOT a vegan cupcake.

Other than those, why am I not a vegan?

Apparently because:

a) I’m lazy and being vegan is hard.

b) I’m too much of a pansy to look into the reasons FOR veganism, just in case they make it impossible for me to happily enjoy the above.

Or at least I was too much of a pansy until this morning. Once I’d acknowledged to myself that pansiness was seriously one of my reasons, I had to smack myself around a little bit and do a small amount of googling. You know, just to see what I wasn’t seeing about animal treatment etc.

Um. It’s not good. I actually got a little teary here in my office.

When the boy and I were discussing it over calamari (imagine me making those Homer Simpson drooling noises every time I write the world calamari, k?) I tried to explain to him why I was afraid of this very phenomenon. I tried to draw a correlation to something he would become passionate about, which turned out to be exploitation of the lil people by corporations and monopolies. I said ‘let’s pretend you put a few hours of research into the phenomenon and found out the actual brutal details of people losing their houses (or whatever) to the big bad wolf’. He said that while knowing that would make him cranky, it likely wouldn’t cause him to become an activist – and that’s where my correlation fell apart. I’m not talking about activism when I talk about what being vegan would mean to me. I’m talking about ignoring something that matters to me more than most people (animals) because I’m too gosh darn lazy and fond of cheese and butter to stop myself from noshing on them.

Sigh.
I was afraid this would happen.
I may have to become vegan.

Good thing I have this cookbook: