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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for October, 2009

Amp Up Before You Score

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

My knee jerk reaction to the new Pepsi AMP iPhone app was pretty much like that of every other self declared feminist. Something along the lines of ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ with a lot of head shaking and some general crankiness. Then I sort of forgot about it – but twitter hasn’t. Mashable, the social media guru, weighed in, and the #pepsifail hashtag was created. Pepsi has since offered an apology but they didn’t pull the app.

People, as per ewzh, are divided. For example, this jackass thinks that the reason I’m pissed off is because someone using the app would successfully pick me up:

@boozhetto just now seeing that Pepsi app on women…..seems like the furor over it is more a #truthhurts thing than a #pepsifail

To that I say – I’m pretty sure you’re an asshole, but.. since the app is still available and free, why don’t I download it and find out?

First things first. The app is actually called Amp Up B4 You Score. They certainly weren’t pulling any punches, here. When you download it you have to accept an NC17 warning as well – I’m so excited! Let’s get to the content, shall we?

To accurately assess if this would work on me, I’m going to have to decide which of the 24 available categories of women I would fall into, AND which of the 24 categories of women some dude in a bar would be likely to think I was based on nothing but looking at me. Let’s see here…

I’m going to immediately eliminate twins, military chick, married, foreign exchange student, goth, cougar, and celebrity for obvious reasons. I’m also going to eliminate aspiring actress, athlete, dancer, nerd, political girl, princess, punk, sorority girl, rebound girl, and tree hugger. I’m dropping these because I think a) no guy would look at me and have one of these come to mind first and b) while I’m not going to read the pick up techniques, I doubt that ones written for these girls would work on me.

That leaves 7 types of women that may sum me up perfectly and allow some dude to get into my pants – assuming that’s what ‘score’ means, here. I’m pretty sure Pepsi isn’t making any effort to pretend otherwise.

Quick aside: the drawings of the stereotypes are actually kind of fun.

Don't paint yourself into a corner - show her just how much you share her passion for all things artistic.

Don't paint yourself into a corner - show her just how much you share her passion for all things artistic.

  • Best pickup line: Come with me to a gallery.
  • Worst pickup line: Tie between ‘I’d love to sculpt you but it looks like God has already done a good job of that’ and ‘you know the Mona Lisa has no eyebrows… I wonder what else she shaves’.
  • Additional pickup helpers: Quotes From Da Vinci, Art Movements You’re Starting, and a local galleries finder.

Let's see just how open a book she really is.

Let's see just how open a book she really is.

  • Best pickup line: I feel like everything before meeting you was perfunctory. (Pronunciation for ‘perfunctory’ is included, just in case).
  • Worst pickup line: We could discuss the romantics or we could become them.
  • Additional pickup helpers: Ideas for Your New Novel, Five Dubious Tolstoy Facts, Current Best Sellers (real time info), the locations of local libraries.
To get on her agenda, she's going to want to know that you're serious - about making money.

To get on her agenda, she's going to want to know that you're serious - about making money.

  • Best pickup line: I’d put you at the top of my org chart.
  • Worst pickup line: Wow, a bit like the credit crunch, I didn’t see you coming and now I’m in trouble.
  • Additional pickup helpers: Real time tweet tracker for the word ‘economy’, Fake Careers, Famous Economists, Bloggingstocks.

Drop the right names, and she may drop right out of that thriftshop cardigan.

Drop the right names, and she may drop right out of that thriftshop cardigan.

  • Best pickup line: Tie between ‘I’d trade my vintage concert t-shirt for your phone number’ and ‘aren’t you in that one band from Brooklyn that’s hot right now?’
  • Worst pickup line: Can you believe all these hipsters?
  • Additional pickup helpers: Indie News, Your Favorite Songs, Your Favorite Indie Blog, Best Albums of 2009 So Far, and a thrift store locator.
Don't look at us, this is a lost cause.

Don't look at us, this is a lost cause.

The only content for this one is Hail Mary Passes, which mostly seem to consist of insulting her. Smooth.

She's bad news. And that Neanderthal over there - that's her boyfriend.

She's bad news. And that Neanderthal over there - that's her boyfriend.

  • Best pickup line: This rebel just found his cause.
  • Worst pickup line: Tie between ‘wow, Hell really does have angels’ and ‘You. Me. Vegas. NOW!’
  • Additional pickup helpers: Plausible Warrants For Your Arrest, Why Don’t You Have Any Tattoos?, FBI Most Wanted (real time), local tattoo shops locator.
Well, one thing's for sure. You love a challenge.

Well, one thing's for sure. You love a challenge.

  • Best pickup line: N/A.
  • Worst pickup line: Three way tie between ‘if I were you I’d hate men too’, ‘I’ve always wished I could understand a woman’s experience from the inside’, and ‘why do people say feminists aren’t hot?’.
  • Additional pickup helpers: a real time stream of tweets using the word ‘feminism’, What is Feminism?, and Your Favorite Singer.

This actually isn’t as bad as I expected. If they’d put the same amount of work into it but had pitched it as a ‘too shy to talk to women? let our app help!’ solution I probably would have found parts of it charming. I’m not a huge fan of the fact that it encourages lying (see Fake Careers under Businesswoman), and the Hail Mary Passes are just stupid. Other than that, I am almost able to see it as an app that helps you find something to talk about with someone you don’t know very well. To be honest, there is no bad there, and some of the things under Artist and Indie Girl would actually be valid ways to approach me in a bar. I wouldn’t sleep with the guy who busted them out, but I might talk to him.

Sadly, all of this mild acceptability is invalidity by this:

brag listYes, the whole point of the app is to add each of the types to your ‘brag list’, and then share that list with all your buddies (and facebook friends, apparently, which could include family members and even the women you’re bragging about). NAME and DATE? Really, Pepsi?

So, Mr. Boozhetto – the pepsifail is not about the truth hurting. The pepsifail is about scamming women into sleeping with you and then boasting about it.


You would probably die if you were shot up nine miles high

Wednesday, October 14th, 2009

Today is a great day, loves. I survived the doctor, I haven’t had anything at work make me want to pull a Selina Kyle, and the sun is shining.

Also, the internets are rockin. A mere sample of the fun things that have come up in my RSS feed today:

Twilight is so addictive because we (we being woman of the Twihard variety) really want to have sex with our gay male friends, says Esquire. Jezebel and DoubleX disagree. As does my friend who really is a Twihard. Her exact words were “Yeah. I pretty much don’t want any gay guys. Just Edward.”

Edward Cullen, looking hot. And straight. And I can tell that hes straight because...

Edward Cullen, looking hot. And straight. And I can tell that he's straight because...

People are surprisingly adept at assessing sexual orientation from headshots. Not so much figuring out whether or not someone is a psychopath, turns out.

Being emotional and having a good sense of smell are apparently linked in women. I am a big ol bag of emotional and I smell every damn thing that wafts my way, so I’m going to give these researchers a thumbs up.

It’s still Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Companies are still using breast cancer as a marketing tool. Not all of them are actually putting your money towards cancer research. Just fyi.

Barbies sometimes prefer other Barbies to Ken. At least here they do.

The other ones are... dirtier. These are the post-coital snuggling lesbian Barbies, I think.

The other ones are... dirtier. These are the post-coital snuggling lesbian Barbies, I think.

I just love Fred Basset. Specially his ears.

I just love Fred Basset. Specially his ears.

The woman who gave me Lorelai and Rory is writing a new show for HBO. Be still my beating heart and fast talking mouth.

If you’re reading this then you — or the male you have bought it for — are the worst man in history. If this is the prologue then I can’t wait to read the whole book! I love it when authors insult their readers!

Turns out the Ralph Lauren model who was the center of this whole over-photoshopped debacle was fired six months ago for being too fat. No, really. She was apparently the completely unacceptable weight of 120 lbs, at a height of 5’10”. (That’s a BMI of 17.2, in case you’re wondering. My doctor told me today that while under 18 is officially underweight, 20-25 is considered healthy. She told ME to gain weight, and my BMI is definitely more than Filippa Hamiltons.)

Sort of makes this seem a little less ‘accidental’, doesn’t it? Lame, Ralph Lauren. Lame.



That’s all I got. Muah.

Where I ruminate on being a loser

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

As I was typing my title, I got a direct message on twitter.

google wave 1

Doesn’t make sense, does it. Ok, well what if I told you that before he wrote that to me, he wrote:

google wave 2That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. I may have had SEVERAL major freakouts today, on such topics as:

  • I hate to go to the doctor and I have to go tomorrow. For a regular check up, not anything crucial.
  • I haven’t changed my furnace filter since… well, I’ve actually never changed my furnace filter. I think someone else may have at one point – but now that I think about it I realize that the last time I looked down into my creepy-dark-scary crawlspace a filter was sitting on top of the furnace. So it’s actual possible that my furnace is currently filterless. I almost left work early just to deal with this because all of a sudden it seems like an emergency. If it is no one tell me, ok? At least not until I’ve replaced it.
  • I found out something stupid at work that makes me feel even less important than I already felt. The good news from last week has evaporated into the ‘things-your-boss-tells-you-so-you-won’t-cry’ fog of corporate baloney (and for baloney, read ‘bullshit’).
  • My work buddy pointed out that I don’t exactly hide my blog and it’s possible that the boss-who-almost-made-me-cry might, at some point, read it.
  • I failed at the movie club. I was supposed to review It’s Pat for yesterday and I didn’t. I don’t have it, I don’t know where to get it – I’m a gigantic movie club loser.
  • I ate Noodles for lunch and now I feel all greasy. I thought I was done with that nasty I-have-to-wash-my-face feeling when I became a vegan – apparently not.
  • I offered to pick up Noodles for one of my coworkers since we were going to the same lunch meeting. When I brought it back he said ‘thanks for lunch’. Apparently I bought him lunch.
  • The font of the papers I have to read soonish is too small.

There’s more, but you get the gist. However, I apparently now get to play with GOOGLE WAVE. I do not personally know @heyrich – he’s in Boulder and I like to follow the locals. He does not personally know me but apparently he just likes making people happy.

Because I am. Happy, I mean. At least until the next completely not-that-bad thing happens. Yay.

turning your orbit around

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

Do you know what I have been waiting for all my life?  iTunes Genius.

I should explain that I am a highly exacting and therefore irritating song controller person. An ex-boyfriend of mine would flat out refuse to relinquish iPod control while in the car because I change songs like a stereotypical advertisement ‘man’ changes television channels. It’s not that I’m fickle, it’s just that every song reminds me in one tiny way of a song that would be SO MUCH BETTER right now. (Wait, what’s the definition of fickle?) It takes about twenty seconds for me to recognize the song, get a craving for a different song, find that song, and start it playing. Which means that on the rare occasions that we got to lyrics, it went something like this:

bumm bumm “>diddie bumm And I’m-

whhoooowhooo Today is-

shiiiishhiiiii sh baa Hang your-

etc etc. Isn’t irritating to me, but apparently stopping a song right when it starts to get its groove on is sort of off putting.

This, darlings, is where Genius comes in. It’s sort of like Pandora using only your library. I realize I may be explaining this to people who are ALL over it, but since as of ten minutes ago the tiniest sprinter didn’t know what it was, so I’ll continue.

Here’s what happens. Sam says something to me about the best music of the 90s and I say well obviously my list of 15 songs is going to be all Wilco cause they rocked in the 90s and then while he’s telling me that using the same artist more than once is against the rules I’m thinking man I really want to listen to Jesus, Etc.

Instead of putting that song on and then immediately having to switch it because I really need to listen to Crown of Love, I just let it play. Why? Because when I start a Genius playlist using Jesus Etc, iTunes puts Crown of Love on the playlist for me! As well as some Vampire Weekend, some Alexi Murdoch, some more Wilco, some andrew bird, some Postal Service etc. All bands that I would have jumped to on my own.

Sadly, the reason that Genius works so well for me is because I’m exactly like everyone else. When you enable Genius you give Apple access to your library, and they compare you to other people. I guess. I’m not super clear on it, to be honest – I can’t find an explanation that goes deeper than “Apple suggests a playlist based on the scanned libraries and listening habits of other iTunes users”. Whatever. Those people have fantastic taste in music. I would prefer my pre-googling explanation that my iPhone is psychic, but I’ll take what I can get.

Genius has saved me from a life of 30 second snippets. Yay.

Huh. Second post this week about Apple. I’m not a schill – swear. I mean, Apple, if you want to pay me to say these things I won’t say no… but I guess I’m just extra in love this week.

I'm gonna bake you a love cake

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

Am I just a horribly awfully terribly perverted person, or does this song seem kinda… dirty? I was fine until she said she was going to mix it in her love bowl. After that everything went south – including such gems as ‘I’m gonna fold in a love egg’.

On the other hand, I just LOVE these girls. Kazoos and banjos and love cakes? If I were young and British I would want them to be my besties. Actually I sort of do want them to be my besties, I’m just assuming I’d have to be young and British for them to reciprocate. Their band name is Rocky and Balls, if you were wondering.

Watch and let me know kthnx.