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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for February, 2010

Sunday Talkie

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

P.S. The tiniest sprinter insisted on an addendum because his basset hound didn’t make it into the video. If you feel like watching four minutes of  a Louis sleeping and us giggling in the background while Greensleeves plays, dive in. You are my hero.

Also, we drew a picture together. You know the pain scale they want you to use in the hospital? Crockett kept using six or seven? We decided we needed one for level of inebriation.

inebriation scale drawn by the trumpet of distinguished experts

employ thy time well, if thou meanest to get leisure

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

I am in Portland Oregon. Remember how yesterday I said that I wanted to stay home with Crockett? Totally true. His rebuttal? “Emma, I am not a baby. I can take care of myself.”


So I’m waiting for the tiniest sprinter to come pick me up from the airport. I am waiting in a bar – please, suspend your shock. I positively hate to fly – I get all nervous and hesitant and completely unlike myself, and I have been known to fortify myself with those little airline bottles of wine. Since this particular flight left at 8:25 am, I instead opted for a bloody maria (because drinking before noon is only ok if it’s a bloody mary or a mimosa. Obviously.)

What I’m trying to say is that I’m drunk. At 12:29 Denver time, 11:29 Portland time, but screw Portland time – doesn’t count until you leave the airport, amirite?

Awesome, huh? Everyone else is at work, and here I am. I cannot imagine, for the life of me, why I got a bad review yesterday.

Because I’m drunk, I just asked Star (via IM) what the hell I should blog about. She happens to have recently missed her lunch due to inconsiderate customers at her place of business, and I said that I would send her some food through the interwebs, and then she said “blog about inventions you need!”

And so I am.

  1. The ability to pass food and drink through the internet. How is that not a real thing yet?
  2. Scratch and sniff tv. Because HI, I am already such a sucker for advertising that if you could make me smell your Doritos or your Dove Chocolate I would be putty in your hands. (Idea credit goes to Star.)
  3. A ‘retract’ button for conversations. Like how I just told this bartender I was drunk from my airplane bloody mary (WHAT? I’m really small and there is less air up there.) (Yes, I know there is a regular amount of air in the airplane, shut UP.) It would be like the ‘recall’ button in Outlook – if the person wants to hear it, you’re screwed, but if they take pity on you it can be like it never happened. *Side note, I just spent a long time trying to figure out the best way to use those parenthesis. I actually tried to fit one set into the other and then I was worried about order of operations. I am the coolest girl ever.
  4. A gaydar that really works. It would also have settings for mean people, people who are undercover, and people who are in the witness protection program. Those last two are mostly for my future career as expediter.
  5. Earphones that block out all sound unless it is intentionally directed to you.
  6. More seasons of Veronica Mars. I know that isn’t technically an invention, but whatever, Veronica Mars rocks. I was watching it on the airplane down here and the girl next to me was watching over my shoulder but pretending she wasn’t – she’s a new addict. Also, she reminded me a lot of the wife of an ex of mine and I kept wanting to ask her if that’s who she was, but either answer would have led to us being uncomfortable for the rest of the flight, so I refrained.
  7. A headband that makes it impossible for people to ignore you. If you want their attention, you get it, when you’re wearing the headband.
  8. A Strega Nona’s Pasta Pot type wine glass.
  9. A little machine that lets you listen to any conversation in the world. This would be exceedingly helpful if I were interested in working for a tabloid – I would become EVERYONE’S unnamed source.
  10. A way to communicate inflection via IM that is NOT the ‘sarcasm mark’. (Idea credit goes to Star.)

That’s all I got, please feel free to contribute extra ideas in the comments. I’m going to force the tiniest sprinter to do a guest post about this trip, so look forward to it!


cheer up sleepy jean, oh what can it mean

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

I slept at the hospital with Crockett last night. I know that he had nurses and monitors and an actual bed to sleep in, but I wanted to be there, because that motherfucker scared the shit out of me yesterday. Surgery. Scary scary stuff.

Me sleeping at the hospital in a reclining chair that refused to recline was the right choice. Me coming to work today having had roughly three hours of sleep in a non-reclining reclining chair while wearing my contacts (which makes sleeping SUCK, if you’ve never tried it) was not the right choice.

Because today I had my 2009 review.

Sometimes, I don’t like my job very much. That was especially true for awhile last year when I had absolutely nothing to do and was bored and frustrated and interviewed for two other jobs internally just for a change of place.

My boss and I discussed that at the time. He referred to it as being ‘disengaged’. As in ‘Emma, you do a great job when you engage’.

While right now I’m ‘engaged’, he did in fact remember those periods last year when I wasn’t, and my review wasn’t as good as it could have been. The hell of it is, he’s right. I didn’t care about my job at that time, and even though it was over six months ago, this review was about last year.

I KNEW I should have stayed home today. (By virtue of my boss’s scheduling issues, if you miss a meeting chances are he’ll never be around to make it up.) At least that way I wouldn’t have been told that I was a disappointment for part of last year to my face.

On an unrelated note, I have to decide whether to stay home and nurse Crockett or go to Portland to see the tiniest sprinter. Like, soon, seeing as how my flight leaves in 15 hours.

Crockett says go and see Sam, but he wouldn’t admit he wanted me around to take care of him unless he was literally dying. Sam says stay if I’m going to be worried about Crockett. I am going to be worried about Crockett. Maybe, like staying in the hospital, staying home is more about me than him – but that’s what I’m leaning towards.

Life is about more than work.

P.S. Don’t you just love how deep and insightful I am sometimes? ‘Life is about more than work’? Come on, like you could have thought of that.

and….. we’re back

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

For the second time in our 13 months of dating, Crockett is in the hospital.

The first time was arguably my fault, although he gallantly insists that if a man is goaded into early morning trampoline jumping by his bloody mary drinking girlfriend, anything that results is the fault of that man.

This time I claim zero responsibility. Yesterday, we were thinking that perhaps he had food poisoning – his stomach just hurt, all day long.  Ages ago I read this book that compared food to sex – as in, we know so little about what we eat, who has touched it, etc, and if we knew that little about our sexual partners we would have all died of STDs by now. Ever since that and the great birthday salmonella incident of 2009, I blame every stomach upset on food poisoning.

However, without getting too graphic, let me say that there were food poisoning type symptoms that he was lacking. We briefly discussed appendicitis and ulcers, but being both non-medical and optimistic, we decided that he’d probably be fine.

This morning he called me at work.

Crockett: “Hi. How is your day going?”

Me: “Eh, could be better. My power was out at the house this morning. This number isn’t your cell – where are you calling me from?”

Crockett: “The hospital.”

And appendicitis is is. He’s through surgery, awake, and this particular hospital has private rooms with flat screen tvs and room service. He’s here until tomorrow, and honestly, this room is sorta making me feel like I’m on vacation. So, we’re back in the hospital. Fab.

it’s feminist video monday!

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Video 1) Superbowl Dodge Charger ad rebuttal, from the pov of us humorless feminists*:

*In an interview, MacKenzie Fegan said, “I started adding in some of the lighter, funnyish lines… [knowing] otherwise I’d be written off as a humorless feminist, which is almost as unappealing to the YouTube crowd as a video without cats.”

Video 1a) If you missed the original, you might want to watch it first. If you’re a humorless feminist OR don’t particularly appreciate advertisements that are based on the theory that the modern woman is emasculating every man out there, you might want to have something around to bite down on:

Video 2) Vampire Weekend, Giving Up the Gun. The feminism in this one is more implied, but I see it anyway. Or maybe I just like the song and her bitchin’ red outfit.