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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for March, 2010

spaceman says everybody look down, it’s all in your mind

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Did I mention that I’m taking the GRE in less than two weeks? Maybe once or twice? My eventual goal is to get into the cognitive psychology program at CU, and then go on to understand brains, teach other people to understand brains, and then go on sabbatical. A lot.

Between studying for the test and explaining what cognitive psychology to all of the random people who ask (ok fine, they ask because I’ve been telling complete strangers I want to go to grad school. Happy?), I’ve been thinking a lot about how the mind works. (That’s probably why I made a list of things I don’t understand the other day, now that I think about it.)

Crockett is, hands down, the smartest person I have ever known. (If you choose to believe I mean ‘known’ as the author of the bible meant it, so be it.) My mind works absolutely nothing like his. For example, he was accepted to Stanford for grad school and came here for the snowboarding instead, and I don’t even LIKE snowboarding!

I’m not exactly stupid, though. Know how I know?

See? That’s regular old three card flip solitaire. Obviously, Mensa will be calling any second. Also, have you ever seen Primer? I understood like 75% of that movie. If you haven’t seen it, shut up, go watch it, and get back to me. If you can beat 75% I’ll buy you an ice cream cone. Or, you know, something that won’t melt in shipment.

Anyway. Crockett is all geniusy and I’m all geniusy, but different kinds of geniusy. ┬áMy friend Jeff in college was the smartest guy I knew until I met Crockett, and he had one of those memories that makes you think he MUST be a robot, but no. I asked him once how he remembered every teeny tiny thing he ever learned, and he said that he had a good filing system.

I asked him what he meant.

He said: When I get a piece of information that I didn’t know before, I decide how I’ll be most likely to remember it in the future, and store it in that part of my memory.

Seriously. He remembered things the same way that I try and put things away in my house. “Well, the next time I want to watch Jennifer’s Body it will probably be because I have work to do that I’m avoiding, so I’ll put it as far from my work stuff as possible.” (You can just imagine how well THAT storage idea worked out.)

I, on the other hand, seem to pick the least helpful data point about any given piece of information and file it that way. For example, someone I know is from Vermont… OR Virginia. While these two states have entirely different locations and cultures, apparently I just stuck them both in ‘places that start with V’, and therefore have no idea which state she actually lives in.

My mom can’t remember things when she only has two choices, a cute little habit she passed down to me. Can you see how that would be a problem? Just consider how many times a day you’re forced to pick, oh… right or left. Yeah. I think this is a variation of my issue – no filing exists for choosing between right and left, because instead you put it in a bunch of useless places. I probably have entire novels in my brain devoted to which is right and which is left, but they’re under ‘that cut I had on my thumb that one time’ or ‘that shoe that Mohawk’s dog ate’.

The tiniest sprinter tries to use the letter filing system as well, but his problem is that he is never thinking of the right letter. If he was trying to remember Vermont vs. Virginia, he’d be saying to himself “I’m pretty sure it starts with R”. Not as helpful as you might think.

When I just asked Crockett how he remembers things, he replied ‘I create taxonomies’. See what I mean about our brains? Me – a gigantic junk drawer. Him – an organized taxonomical (yeah whatever spellcheck, it’s a word today) library of facts.

But. He only understood like 35% of Primer. So I have that going for me.

my people are already on it

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

I’m just going to assume that all of my readers are, like me, avid March Madness fans – because really, who isn’t?


Sorry about that, sometimes I’m overtaken by my own hilarity. Really, I do like basketball (that’s what March Madness is, right?), but I prefer the professional version and then mostly when it’s live and I have beer in hand. I spend a lot of time staring at the players and poking Crockett, asking how tall he thinks the players are. The answer is usually ‘really freaking tall, Emma. You’re not allowed to ask anymore.’

Side note: also on the list of questions I’m not allowed to ask anymore are ‘do you know where my phone is?’, ‘do you think I should cut my hair?’, ‘can I turn off the hockey game?’, and ‘do you want to watch Castle with me?’. The answer is always no. Crockett is no fun sometimes.

Did you know that there are lots of other kinds of March Madness, though? My personal favorite WAS the Jezebel Pie vs. Cake version, but since Boston Creme Pie just took a victory in the PIE category I’ve disentangled myself. I can’t be associated with a competition that would make such a mistake. If you want to know how it works out, Katy of Kim & is posting each days match up and results.

Does this LOOK like pie to you?

Since such an unforgivable mistake has been made, I’ve had to transfer my loyalty to the Esquire Sexiest Woman Alive Madness. You’d think this is the kind of thing that would piss me off (I certainly thought it would), but how can you dislike a competition that pits Helen Mirren against Megan Fox?

Hot vs hot. How on EARTH will this be settled?

How they describe Ms. Fox: Finally a bombshell who doesn’t play coy.
How they describe Ms. Mirren: Great rack, and eyes that can cut a bombshell in half.

Yes, it’s insanely objectifying – but really, what pop culture isn’t?

More matchups:

Kristen Bell vs. Marion Cotillard

Kristen Bell vs. Marion Cotillard

How they describe Kristen Bell (my number one celebrity girl crush): The only thing we and Dax Shepard can agree on.

Bianna Golodryga vs. Sarah Silverman

Bianna Golodryga (um, who?) vs. Sarah Silverman

How they describe Sarah Silverman (who is kind of a jerk face but funny as fuck and therefore deserves to be listed, something I wouldn’t necessarily expect of Esquire): “I don’t care if you think I’m racist. I just want you to think I’m thin.”

And of course Esquire’s own personal version of the Boston Creme Pie incident:

Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso vs. the Panamanian cricket team

Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso vs. the Panamanian cricket team

Guys? Two Panamanian women’s asses don’t technically count as, you know, women. Also, are they both number 2?

If neither one of these playoffs does it for you, there’s also:

March Madness of the Mind

Dungeons and Dragons March Madness

Whatever the fuck Perez Hilton thinks about March Madness

And I’m sure roughly a billion more. Let me know if you find any good ones?

sweet home alabama

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010

I’m confused. And no, it’s not just because studying for the (damn) GRE is taking all of my available brain power. It’s for many, many reasons.

  1. Why does it make me feel better to talk about all of the different things I could be doing with my life, even though I actually follow through on very few (read: none so far) of them?
  2. Why do I have so many friends whose fathers are doctors?
  3. Why do I love redheaded women and feel at best indifferent about redheaded men?
  4. When you eat a peach, what’s the actually process by which that peach helps you grow? If I eat it and I grow, then the new Emma mass must have come from the peach, right? So… at what point does it stop being peach and start being Emma? Or is my elbow still partially made out of peach?
  5. Why does the Old Louisville Inn put green bell peppers in their meatloaf?
  6. Related: Does the ghost at the Old Louisville Inn want to kill me?
  7. Also related: Where did Abner go? (I think he may have left me for Beauty Queen. She is prettier, so I can’t really blame him.)
  8. Why are some Atomic Fireballs hot right away and some more stealthy with their heat?
  9. Why does it seems totally reasonable to spend $9 on a martini in a restaurant but $9 for a jar of martini olives at the grocery store seems like highway robbery?
  10. Why are new clothes always prettier than old clothes?

Really. If you have the answers to any of these questions, please let me know. I’m driving myself nuts today.

P.S. Except #4. I’m pretty sure that even House couldn’t explain that one to me.

"Emma, you're a disappointment."

my perfect day

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

macavity’s a mystery cat

Friday, March 19th, 2010

It’s snowy and icky.

I’m going to the dentist later.

Annnnd the single line from ‘Macavity: The Mystery Cat‘ that I know is rolling around in my head.

So, although it’s Friday, I’m even more inclined to hate things that I usually am. Things that are seriously pissing me off today, in no particular order:

  • The acronym ‘TGIF’.
  • Some guy just got all confused when I held the door for him. Because I have a vagina, no doubt.
  • I still can’t sit crosslegged because of my knee.
  • My car is all dirty again, and Crockett JUST washed it for me.
  • This morning I tried to tell a joke on a conference call and no one laughed.
  • My bangs are being stupid.

I know. How do I even get out of bed in the morning, honestly.

See? Even GW thinks I should man up.

P.S. Looking at him is pissing me off too.

P.P.S. I know, you love me because I’m a bundle of joy and sunshine. MUAH.

P.P.P.S. ALSO? ALSO??? The tiniest sprinter is throwing in the blogging towel! WTH!!