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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for April, 2010


Tuesday, April 27th, 2010

my dewy-eyed disney bride

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010

There is a concept, popularized by Faith Baldwin in her 1930 novel The Office Wife, of office spouses. More recently (what, you weren’t around in 1930?), there was an article in Slate that proposed that Condoleeza Rice was Bush’s work wife, and CNN said that having a work spouse could help motivate people come to work.

The whole idea is that your work spouse provides the kind of emotional support that you get at home from your real spouse, but in a platonic way. The person is likely of the sex that you’re attracted to, although I suppose that’s not required.

I don’t really have a work husband (despite my mentioning him in an earlier post). Even in my platonic work love life I’m fickle, it turns out – I mostly just have a lot of work boyfriends. They are platonic, of course, but I’m starting to find them a little unsatisfying. I want more.


You: You must be not overly attractive but cute enough that I’m not embarrassed to go to coffee with you, and you must be within a few years of my age. You must have a wife or a serious girlfriend who doesn’t work at our company, and she must be ok with you having a work wife. It would probably be best if she was cuter than me (you will not be as cute as Crockett, I guarantee it). Ideally, you will have at least a passing interest in women’s fashion (what? I said ‘ideally’!) and an ability to tell me if something I’m wearing doesn’t work without making me cry. You must be willing to badmouth my boss and coworkers at my every whim, and you must be willing to close your office door so I can cry and/or cuss when I’m having a bad day.

Me: I will try to look cute enough that your single work buddies will be a little jealous when we get coffee together. I will scope out meetings and presentations for you before you go in so you know if a tie is required or overkill. I will badmouth your boss and coworkers at your every whim. I will still respect you if you cry and/or cuss when you’re having a bad day.


Monday, April 26th, 2010

The whatever comes my way edition:

I’ve got this under control – just let me grab my bazooka

Monday, April 26th, 2010

Crockett and I went to see Kick Ass Tuesday night. I’d proposed a date night and he was amenable, provided that it included either The Avett Brothers or Hot Tub Time Machine. The Avett Brothers were sold out and we were far too old and unstoned (it was 4/20 in Boulder CO!) to try to find a scalper. When we arrived at the movie theater I trumped his Hot Tub Time Machine request with my desire to see Kick Ass and the fact that I paid for dinner – I’m surprised he didn’t see it coming, honestly.

I was determined to see it for two reasons. 1) I lurve me some superheroes. 2) From what I’d heard of Hit Girl, I was pretty sure she had a good chance of replacing Coraline in my personal stable of girls-I-wanna-be-when-I-reverse-grow-up girls.

You guys? I cried. I cried during Kick Ass, and not just once. I cried for probably half an hour of the movie.

If you’re not familiar with the movie, here’s what’s public knowledge from the previews. It’s based on a culty comic book that no non-comic book nerds have ever read. We start with a very nice, geeky boy Dave somewhere in New York City wondering why no real people have busted out the superhero persona. It’s possible, right? Sure, a little suicidal, but when you’re a bored 16 year old, what else do you have to do? Dave orders an exceptionally cheesy green and yellow neoprene suit off the Internet, does the obligatory ‘you talking to ME?’ poses in the mirror, and heads out to kick some ass. In the spirit of why be original when being prosaic will be equally effective and require less work, he chooses the super hero name of Kick Ass.

It turns out that Kick Ass is not, in fact, the only game in town. From the previews you know there is a cockatiel looking kid with fancy toys named Red Mist and a father/daughter team named Big Daddy and Hit Girl. It’s all very exciting, and if the previews didn’t make you want to go see it, I think you’re broken somewhere inside and should probably seek professional help.


If you, like me, want the movie to be all Hit Girl all the time, you’ll be disappointed. She and Big Daddy don’t make an appearance until after Kick Ass goes out on his first ass kicking adventure. His first attempt at crime stopping comes when he sees muggers he’s familiar with trying to steal a car. He pulls his clothes off – he’s been wearing his superhero suit as underwear every day just in case – and proceeds to get beaten so badly that the majority of his limbs are shattered and need to be reinforced with titanium and his nerves stop responding to impact. After an unspecified period of time, he gets let out of the hospital and returns to school.

They never truly address that Kick Ass’s original point – that normal people can be superheros – is now completely invalidated as far as he’s concerned. When he tried to fight as a normal person, he got trounced and bad – it’s not until he’s part Wolverine and part that kid in my elementary school class who would run into walls screaming ‘it doesn’t hurt’ that he starts to have some success. His success, of course, comes in the form of a viral video.

Now Hit Girl and Big Daddy show up – in the form of him shooting her in the chest. She’s wearing a bullet proof vest and he wants to her know what it feels like – you know, so that when the bad guys aim a gun at her she won’t be scared.

She and Big Daddy reach out to Kick Ass, welcoming him to the fold, but while Kick Ass is all about stopping petty criminals, they have a bigger goal. Big Daddy is an ex-cop, and went to jail when Hit Girl was just a fetus after being framed by the criminal kingpin Frank D’Amico. Something bad happened to Hit Girl’s mom (I don’t know what, I had to pee shutUP), and Hit Girl was raised by Big Daddy’s cop partner while Big Daddy served his time.

Despite the obvious difference in costumes, D’Amico confuses Big Daddy (who has been taping himself killing D’Amico’s men and sending the tapes to D’Amico) and Kick Ass. D’Amico’s son brilliantly deduces that the way to get a superhero to trust you is to be a superhero yourself, and Red Mist is born.

A tangled superhero love/hate web thing starts happening, and it ends with the death of Big Daddy and D’Amico, leaving Red Mist as the cranky antihero for future installments.


Let’s just get this out there – Hit Girl is not ok. She is not a well adjusted child. She does not have a particularly healthy relationship with her father. She kills people and she uses the word ‘cunt’ without even wincing. She is damaged in more ways than most adult superheroes, and that’s before the trauma the movie inflicts on her. She has capital letter bold italic ISSUES. She is, in my humble untrained opinion, a sociopath.

The story line that she and Big Daddy share is so much darker than Kick Ass’s origins. Even when Kick Ass gets hurt (which I’m assuming you can conclude happens occasionally since he’s a regular dude in a wetsuit fighting crime), it’s in a light sunshiny way. When Big Daddy asks Hit Girl what she wants for her birthday, she says something girly like ‘a pony’. When she sees the look of disappointment on his face, she says ‘I’m just fucking with you, daddy. I’d like a couple of switchblades.’ She takes bullets to the chest and kills people to please her father.  It’s more than a little disturbing, because she (unlike the other characters) isn’t truly making her own choices.

I know that it’s a movie based on a comic book, and I know that there are people out there who will think I’m taking this too seriously. ‘Chill out, Emma. It’s just a movie.’

I am chill. I fucking LOVED this movie. Yeah, I cried – Hit Girl’s entire storyline made me cry. I am going to be Hit Girl for Halloween (just putting that out there now – the rest of you can do it too if you must but we’ll always have this blog post to prove that you copied me).  I love Hit Girl in all her sociopathic-daddy-issues glory, and you should too.

emmanation rating: that wedding cake from Like Water For Chocolate that was extra delicious because of all the tears in it.


Sunday, April 25th, 2010

The things in bowls edition: