There are these things that enter my conciousness, even though they really really don’t belong there, and fester.
Everything ever from AskMen.com is one of those things.
Why, oh why, do their articles always start with something that ‘real men’ do or do not do?
In question today is a detestable list of drinks that real men do not order. (Don’t feel like you have to click on it – I’m going to cover the high points.)
The number one reason that real men shouldn’t order certain drinks is, obviously, beccause they’re for ladies. And real men and ladies have absolutely nothing in common. Real men are ALL MAN – if they had any part lady, they’d be… fake men. (Right? I wish AskMen were here to explain this to me.)
The list actually doesn’t start with something that obviously is a lady trait – it begins with not ordering a drink you can’t pronounce. The implication being that real men never admit in public that they’re lacking any kind of knowledge. Why? Probably because that’s a sign of weakness. And you know who’s weak? The ladies. They can ask for ‘Lap-hrog’ all they want. Of course, they won’t. Because ladies don’t drink scotch.
Malibu and Diet Coke are also forbidden – because, “Diet Coke is a soda for weight-concious administrative assistants”. What’s that you say? You’re male and weight conscious? Or male and an administrative assistant? Or you like diet coke? Half man. At best.
Off the list without explanation of why they’re unmanly – peach schnapps and anything that ends in -tini that doesn’t start with mar. In this case, I think the authors are criticizing the drinks themselves rather than a man who dares drink them, and that’s fine. Carry on.
But then. Thing you can never order No. 6 – ‘what she’s having’. The only exception is scotch on the rocks.
By her sheer ladyness, your lady has essentially estrogened all over whatever drink she ordered. Just by touching it, she has de-manlied it. Wine? Beer? A gin and tonic? Whatever it is, the taint of a woman enjoying it means you, you real man you, are no longer cleared for consumption.
No. 5? “Whatever you want.” The explanation? “This is a valid point, despite the fact that it goes against the entire thrust of this list.” I feel like they threw this in there just to ruin the momentum of my rage.
Back to off the list: Sex on the Beach (only appropriate for sorority girls, who are not people that we should respect, obviously), anything that comes in a bottle that isn’t beer (hard lemonade is for men who don’t know how to wield a martini shaker or, you know, women), and a Cosmopolitan (knew that was coming).
Why no Cosmos? They “go down too easy for comfort”.
Let’s look at what we’ve learned. Real men:
- Either know everything or must pretend that they do.
- Are never overweight or can’t watch their calories in public places, if that’s something they do.
- Do not work as assistants in offices.
- Cannot order something that is already in the hand of a woman at his table.
- Are not in any way allowed to overlap in taste with sorority girls (I feel like AskMen probably allows for liking the girls themselves, though – just a hunch).
- Don’t drink things that don’t involve some kind of creation.
- Musn’t order things that are too enjoyable. Real men work for their buzz.
The corollary, here, is that doing any of these things means you’re either a lady or a fake man:
- Acknowledging a desire to try something that’s new to you.
- Being health conscious.
- Being employed as an admin.
- Drinking something you enjoy, regardless of who ordered it first, who the typical drinker is, or whether or not it came out of a bottle.
Why does a website exist whose purpose seems to be telling men that there are rules they must follow to maintain their status as men? Is it simply because there are so many for women?
How on earth are we ever going to get anywhere with these stupid, arbitrary lines drawn in the sand?
Hint: you are a male if that is your gender. You are a man if you identify as one.
Cosmo or no Cosmo.