I know I’ve been writing about *ahem* … body stuff a lot lately. This post is going to have a lot of lady-body related words and if that’s not your thing, then just carry on with your bad self and I’ll see you in a couple of days.
Today I went to the gynecologist and it was hilarious.
So first things first. Going to the gynecologist is not, in and of itself, hilarious. It’s kind of terrible. If you’re personally familiar with a speculum, then you know whereof I speak. If you don’t know about a speculum and you have a vagina, then get thee to a doctor, girl. If you don’t have a vagina but you’ve been to a proctologist, I’m guessing it’s not that different? If that also does not apply to you, I think you’re probably 14 and you shouldn’t be reading this blog but hey, think about when your orthodontist puts those big, cold, metal tools in your mouth and it’s uncomfortable but it doesn’t last that long.
I’ve had the same lady-bits-doctor since I have had a lady-bits-doctor. I don’t remember exactly how old I was but probably 14 or 15? She’s a member of the practice that the man who delivered me belonged to, actually. (He has since retired.) Best estimate, I’ve been seeing her for close to twenty years.
Home town loyalty, baby.
So today, she tells me that her daughter just had her first pap. (The pap is the thing that requires the speculum. Other things might require speculums but those things are not on my radar and I’m more than pleased to keep it that way.)
I think oh that’s adorable.
Then she says, “She’s 21, and while she was getting it she realized that that is what I do all day”.
Who doesn’t realize that their gynecologist mother does paps all day by the time they’re 21? Do gynecologists not have bring your daughter to work day?
I totally would have let a ten year old girl be in the room eleven years ago. As long as she stood by my head.
So then my doc, I think in an effort to relax me because I freaking hate laying there staring at the ceiling with my feet in stirrups (like how I say that like I’m the only one with that feeling?), tells me that she’s been volunteering at the 9news health fair for a few years and she does 25 paps between the hours of 8 am and noon on a single day.
My immediate reaction was to say, ‘wow, that’s a lot of vaginas’. I mean, she was between my legs. If I were allowed to make dumb jokes at any time in my life, it is that time. However, when I thought about saying it I waffled over the use of the word vagina. Should I say ‘vulva’, since that’s what’s actually in her face? Should I say ‘cervix’, since that’s what I think she’s looking at while she’s using the speculum (word of the day!)? I was talking to a professional and I overthought it and then boom, she was telling me I could sit up and my moment had passed.
But still. 25 vulvas in four hours.
SO MANY VULVAS.