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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for September, 2014

here there be Guardians of the Galaxy spoilers

Saturday, September 6th, 2014

I saw Guardians of the Galaxy last night. (That’s not the spoiler.)

Every time in this damn post I’ve tried to type Galaxy I’ve typed Galazy, which isn’t the spoiler either.

I’m just giving you some head room in case you read really fast and it took this long for you to realize that there were spoilers coming.

Ok, so. Spoiler on a single point. During the final battle scene, Groot dies saving everyone else by growing his branches into a protective ball to cushion them when the ship they’re in crashes to the ground, k? And instead of  “I am Groot”, which anyone with an internet connection knows is all he says, he says “We are Groot”.

There was much, much crying. A face so wet that swiping my cheeks with my hands wasn’t accomplishing jack shit.

AND THEN. Rocket, the super smart raccoon that is Groot’s best friend, cries and cries and puts a stick from Groot’s exploded body in a pot and carries it around through the ‘you guys saved the world speeches’, and just when I thought I couldn’t cry more, I did.

AND THEN. The damn thing turned into a baby Groot.

I would like to propose something, henceforth called the SmushyHeart warning.

I want to know, in any book or movie, if anything bad is going to happen to any non-human character that a softie like me might develop feelings for.

So in the case of GotG, you could click on a ‘SmushyHeart’ link and it would be like don’t worry, Groot explodes but totally comes back to life as an adorable baby. In the case of these books my mom and I read about a druid who communicates telepathically with his dog Oberon, there would be a page at the beginning that mentions that while Oberon will likely be captured and possibly even hurt and left for dead, he will always be good as new in the long run. The warning for Old Yeller would just say ‘GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN’. Etc.

I can’t be the only one who needs this, right?

I’d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning

Thursday, September 4th, 2014

Last night I was coming home and all the spots in front of my building were taken.

I have a garage that’s actually also basically right in front of the building, that I almost never park in because it’s skinny and a gigantic pain in the ass. I have my bike and a desk in there and while technically my car can be wedged in, it MUST go in at a 90 degree angle and it must happen slowly with the occasional wiggle for  a mirror or something.

This is relevant, because in FRONT of the taken spots, a fellow was loading his car. That took what is normally a two-car width passage in front of the garage down by … well, one car width. He wasn’t directly in front of my garage, but he made it necessary for me to swing in before I swung out and I should have waited but.

I didn’t.

I’m not sure if you would consider the rear bumper of my car or the wood frame of the garage the loser in the interaction between the two, but if you include me? I am definitely the loser. The car is basically fine except for that big ass plastic part that’s no longer attached on one end. The garage is about to be repainted and I’m sure that will cover (or at least minimize? I hope?) proof of my sin.

Whereas I have a quote for $770 dollars in my hot sweaty little hand.

Couple of issues. 1) BUYING A HOUSE CAN’T AFFORD IT. 2) Even if I could afford it, can you think of something MORE boring to spend that much money on? If the car wasn’t working I could just be like ‘well it has to be done’, but with this, it looks like something that could be fixed with a liberal application of duct tape and some prayer. $770 buys a lot of duct tape.

Moral? Should there be a moral? The moral is that I should have waited for that perfectly innocent fellow to move his car, but who am I kidding, that was never going to happen. There is no reality in which I would patiently sit in a car for minutes on end while my dogs were upstairs and the radio was probably playing something dumb. The other moral is … everything sucks, my tiny garage can eat a dick.


take off Tuesday

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014

It’s a thing! Because Princess Sunshine and I said it was.

Here’s what I did today.

Used 8 vacation hours.

Visited the Boulder County Records Office and got two copies of my birth certificate so I can FINALLY get my Irish passport. (Thanks for being Irish, Grandma!)

Got a phone call from the Boulder County Records Office at 4:29, at which time they left a voicemail asking me to call them back before 4:30. Sadly I did not make the cutoff.

Went to visit my house with PS. We looked at the model home and then my house (which has windows and the siding started!).

Went to the pool for three or more hours. It’s unclear, we entered a pool zone where we drank Bud Light Lime and then got in the water and then laid in the sun and talked about boys and then repeated ad infinitum.

Drank more beer and ate pizza and fries and talked about career goals.

Came home and sat on the couch and started this post while fighting the sleepiness of a day full of sunshine and beer.

Sometimes 8 vacation hours are a lot.


Monday, September 1st, 2014

I went to karaoke on Saturday night.

First, I did Me and Bobby McGee, because that song is my jam, man. My lady jam.

Then, I was going for that song that goes ‘call me crazy, call me anything you want…’.


Because it’s not Crazy by Patsy Cline.

I don’t actually know Crazy by Patsy Cline. I found that out with a microphone in my hand in front of a room full of people.

I ended up calling for volunteers and this nice fellow who always had a least three songs in the queue (he liked to sing, I’m sayin’) jumped up and tried to help, but he didn’t know the fucking song either. I mean he sort of knew it, but it turns out there are parts that I sort of knew too.

It was a little rough, but I survived. The upside of karaoke is that the whole room is either a) hoping they’re next, b) hoping they’re not next, or c) trying to decide what to sing next. I’m not sure anyone but me and Mr Sure-if-there’s-an-0pen-mic-I’m-in even noticed anything.

Still. Not my finest moment.