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Archive for January, 2015

dance party healing

Sunday, January 11th, 2015

On Friday I met a forty-six year old ex-nun who is now engaged to her twenty year old boyfriend. Her twenty year old boyfriend that she met when he was six, before she became a nun, and then re-met when he was eighteen and homeless and looking for her.

It was a very strange story, and it was even stranger when it was told to me by the ex-nun while she was ringing me up in Boulder at a home goods store because I had no warning to brace for it and it seemed really rude to ask questions. Another woman got in line about at the ‘I met my fiance when he was six and I was thirty two’ point. I have no idea how the story was playing with her because the ex-nun was gazing very very consistently at me and I had no opportunity to glance to the right.

Oh, the ex-nun also is a healer. Using crystals. A crystal using healer. A crystal using healer who was a nun and is engaged to a man twenty-six years her junior and is very free with those facts.

I know it sounds like I’m making fun of her, and that’s because I am. It’s a weird story, it just is! IT IS. Like, I like an unconventional love story, but if an adult woman having a feeling of deep connection with a six year old that she of course would never act on is part of the story (oh did I mention that the romantic part started the first time they met, not the second time? no?), then maybe it’s not a story for the CHECKOUT LINE.

In slightly less exciting news, I got kind of sad tonight because I’m watching the last season of The Office and basically Pam and Jim and oh my god and blah. I’m lonely, whatever, etc. So instead of purging to a random person while scanning her credit card, I had a dance party.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, I highly recommend Katy Perry and Avril Lavigne.

Maida and Agnes either strongly agree or strongly disagree. What does barking during an entire song mean?


it’s just common sense

Thursday, January 8th, 2015

Every day something happens to me at work and I think I should write about this! And then every time I start writing I think jeez louis I should one-hundred percent write about something better.

But now is the time for this subject to shine.

I do not like to enter a bathroom stall immediately after someone else left it if I have a choice. I don’t know why. My high school friend Sandra pointed out that a lot of folks (women? perhaps this is less an issue for men because of the less frequent use of stalls? or more of an issue because of the almost definite purpose of stalls?) feel that way and that it’s dumb, because in a public restroom you are almost always putting your naked butt right where someone else’s naked butt has been very recently.

This is very true, and yet. Is it the distinct ass warmth that puts us off? I mean on the one hand … eww, stranger’s ass warmth. On the other hand, warm seat!

Oh! I just remembered that it wasn’t actually going into a stall after someone else that Sandra was talking about. She was talking about how if someone doesn’t flush, even pee, we all avoid that stall. Like, we definitely know someone was peeing in there but we don’t want to KNOW know.

Sandra gave this a lot of thought.


On my floor of my building, the layout is very handy in all the restrooms in that there is a sink for every stall. Great for hand washing if several women are in there, but also

and this is my big point so pay attention

IF we could all agree to use the sink that corresponds to whatever stall we just exited, we could effectively signal everyone else in the bathroom. No one entering would have to carefully listen for the direction of the finishing flush, or partially enter a stall only to see the swirling water and then decide on the fly whether to back out or just own it.

See, I told you I think about this a lot.

There is literally no reason this wouldn’t work, as long as everyone knew it was a thing. It’s like that great yellow ribbon on a dog’s collar thing. (Yes Agnes is leash aggressive. Yes I would like to fix that but haven’t been consistent enough to do so yet. Since the move I’m lucky if I remember a bag (they were handily provided at the apartment complex!) much less the cookies with which to distract/reward her when other dogs pass.)

So, let’s do ourselves a favor, ladies. Draw the shortest line from your stall to a sink when you’re done peeing, and use that sink. If someone is standing there, explain to her the movement. OUR movement. Eventually the most-recently-used-stall guessing game will be a thing of the past, and wouldn’t we all be better off?

(Of course I managed to write 500 words about this. Of course I did.)


dot deepcrotchedpant

Wednesday, January 7th, 2015

Did you guys know you can get a bunch of new websites now? Like, where there used to be .com and .org and .biz there are a million billion choices?

Some I could buy:

  • (aahahahahah no)
  • (hat tip to Crockett for finding this one)
  • … something … .cash. What? I can’t think of what’s funny to follow up with cash but I think there must be lots and lots of choices.
  • (where I would put the doggie cam feed so I could watch them when I’m not home, obviously)
  • (like, who wouldn’t hire me if I were looking for a job which I’m not because I still love my job but if I were who wouldn’t hire me with a website like that, huh?)

I’m sure this is actually the bottom of the barrel, because for some reason urls aren’t a medium I’m really finding my groove in. It’s almost like I’m going to be thirty four in ten days and am too old for this.


Anyway. If someone is super tempted by, then at least leave me, all right? It doesn’t have the same ring to it but, you know. Sloppy seconds or something. Whatever.