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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for October, 2015

you can’t spell dumb without … MB?

Thursday, October 29th, 2015

My department at work shares a whole (cubicle)(taller than me but shorter than most people) wall with one of my company’s various sales departments.

That means I listen to a lot of sales calls. The things I know about the inner workings of Cakebread Vineyards, y’all.

(That ^ is a very poorly executed trick in that Cakebread is not a customer of ours as far as I know but I’m hoping that they’ll call me and offer to bribe me with wine to not tell my secrets.)(<That just ruined that whole plan.)

The sales people work their asses off. The woman immediately over the wall from me has a customer that’s particularly needy, and I hear how hard she works to meet their demands only to be presented with a new set. Nothing but respect, straight up.

Their boss is just down the hall from me, and she has a real door. On that door, someone posts an ever changing series of motivational quotes. I actually don’t think it’s her, because she travels a TON, but the effect is the same. No one who works for her can leave their area without seeing the quote of the week. I think of it the door (and apparently refer to it as you will soon see) as the inspiration door.

Today I noticed this week’s quote, and it prompted the following exchange with Crockett:

Me: is there a name for
‘there’s no i in team’
that kind of saying
Crockett: hm
Me: like specifically using language rules as a metaphor for what that language is saying?
there’s one on the inspiration door
‘you can’t have challenge without change’
which is dumb
and then I was thinking about how dumb they all are
like when the word team was developed
that person was not thinking ‘ahaha let’s exclude the letter that, outside this word, indicates the first person singular pronoun mwahahahahaha’
Crockett: brilliant! (Ed: still don’t know if he meant me or that theoretical language developer)
Me: “future coaches everywhere will worship me”
Crockett: I don’t know that there’s a specific word for adages/sayings that rely on the morphology/spelling of the words in them
Me: then how can I google them to find more to think are dumb?
Crockett: “I put the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional'”
Me: ok I sort of like that one
Crockett: You can’t spell slaughter without laughter
ok, I googled “you can’t spell” and am looking at the suggested completions…
that’s a good strategy
very wise

And then we learned nothing new except ‘you can’t spell healthcare without THC’, which, get a grip, Colorado.

P.S. What do challenge and change have to do with each other? The thing that kicked this off makes it sound like challenge is something to shoot for, which I’m not fully in support of because that’s what people say after terrible things happen to them. “Oh, honey, it’s been six months since your husband died how ya holding up?” “I’m ok, you know. Every day is a new challenge.”

Basically it sounds like a threat. Sure, you wanna change something? You suuuuure? Did you know you can’t spell challenge without change? Mwahahahahaha.


whoommm whommmmmp

Monday, October 26th, 2015

Some sweet (and some, like, medium sweet?) people have been making friendly overtures lately, and I have been being an absolute suckface about it.

Most recently, a very sweet woman was walking her two dogs on the path. Her younger dog was a pain and her older dog was ill, and I was like hey I have a dog who is a pain and another who is ill and another who is ALSO a pain! We walked together for awhile and the dog pack seemed to calm all of the nerd butts down, and she sort of suggested future doggie play dates.

I agreed, and told her when we’re usually at the dog park.

And then I did not go to the dog park at that time.

There’s another example that follows the same sweet person/specific potential of some kind/enthusiastic agreement on some sort of future plan/total blowoff pattern, that the details for are basically irrelevant.


Here’s what I think. I think that I’m going through an introverted phase and what I mostly want to do is read and write and listen to audiobooks and podcasts and watch my puppies and hang out with Crockett. What I do not want to do is spend my time at the dog park or wherever getting to know a new person. That is permissible. Defensible, even.

What confuses me is that when I make these plans? Or build these potential plan bridges, or what have you? I totally think I’m into them. Meeting the nice woman at the dog park was MY IDEA.

So not only am I being kind of cruddy and misleading to strangers who would likely be totally fine with me just smiling and walking away, I am being misleading to my own damn self because I somehow think that future Emma is going to want to make awkward conversation while we watch our dogs chase each other (and poop, probably).

I do not want to do that and therefore she does not want to do that. Stay strong, future Emma, while I try to get my shit together over here.


hell on heels

Thursday, October 22nd, 2015

If I were to tell you that on a plane about 1/3 of the way through your torso, roughly in parallel with your spine, I (emotionally) felt something like a cheese grater, you would think I was an insane person.

You’ll notice I didn’t end that sentence with a question mark or the word right. It’s an insane thing to say.

But, and I’m sure literally no one (everyone) saw this coming

I totally said that earlier tonight.

Fortunately it was to Crockett, and he’s sort of predisposed to work through these moments with me. However, these moments are getting more often and closer together. (Does it seem weird that the opposite of fewer and farther between is not an idiom? Yes, it does.)

He’s sort of stressed about a variety of work and adventure things that are happening, and his energy literally felt to me like a cheese grater in a specific part of his body. ‘HIS ENERGY FELT’. I not only wrote that just now, I said it out loud earlier.

My ideal explanation of what’s happening is that I’m either psychic or am newly suffering from/blessed with synesthesia. 

The actual explanation is that my hippie mountain town roots are finally taking hold and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s a shame, but what’s an aura-seeing, emotional-cheese-grater-sensing lady to do?

flat circle

Thursday, October 1st, 2015

I semi-frequently refer to not current versions of myself in the third person.

(Star does it too, so, you know. Non-craziness comes in numbers.)

Usually I’m badmouthing past Emma, or pre-apologizing to future Emma. (That makes it sound like I made/ke poor choices, but when I’m making good choices it seems sort of self absorbed to be all ‘hey, future Emma, you’re welcome’, so, you know. Poor choices and excellent choices in equal measure, just not as relevant to the story.)

Yesterday I had leftover sloppy joes for lunch. They were part of me and Crockett’s whole food delivery experiment (Blue Apron/Hello Fresh/Green Chef report back for details at some point possibly!) and they were good but they had a lot of onions in them, and some extra onions on them, and they were not an ideal thing to eat in the middle of a work day.

A sweet coworker of mine was microwaving her lunch at the same time that I was heating up the oniony mess and I told her about the onion breath fog that usually makes me choose not to eat onions. After I ate the OnionParty2015 lunch, I mentioned to her that I should have known better. Then I casually said something about past Emma that I  no longer even remember. Something like ‘past Emma really let me down while packing this lunch’. Not. Even. Funny.

The thing is, she thought it was cute, and now she’s using it. To refer to me, not to her.


“Did past Emma do this one work thing?”

“Oh future Emma is going to appreciate that current Emma just did that other work thing.”

It’s like sharing a personal nickname accidentally and someone starts using it, except it’s literally not at all like that because it’s nonsensical and sci-fi-y and requires conjugating.

So far, I can say current Emma and past Emma are not fans. Future Emma has yet to weigh in.