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Archive for January, 2016

and again: Bachelor, Ep 2

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016

“Ben is the greatest bachelor on the planet.”

When we open with a statement like that, which doesn’t sound anything like hyperbole, how bad can this episode be?

  • I wonder if, what with him being in tech in Denver, I know anyone who knows Ben.
  • Should I get a fabric steamer?
  • Also I probably know someone who knows Lace, because she’s a Denver realtor and realtors are generous with introductions. (Of course I didn’t just call Lace a networking slut, what are you talking about?)
  • Taking a group of women to a high school is a little bit creepy. Right? A little infantilizing? Oh, wait, when he did a comparison he compared them to teachers. And he’s the student. You do you, young master Ben.
  • Indiana on a map? 100% couldn’t do it. I thought that Denver was on the West side of the Rockies until I was about 20, though, so, grain of salt.

Deep breaths. This isn’t the most fun show I’ve ever seen (she says politely).

  • I read online that Ben and Becca might already be dating? That is fucking LOW. If that’s true, then someone else is losing what is otherwise guaraneeeeeeted to be truuuuuuue luuuuuv.
  • How is Ben going to remember who he kissed? Do you think he’s taking notes? He must be taking notes. Or is he allowed to watch, like, clips of his moments with each woman before he spends time with her again? Or is this projection, in that I wouldn’t remember this for shit? Crockett told me a bunch of stuff on our first date (that I now super obviously know, like, his brother working at a pizza place in college) that I didn’t remember at all for ages, and I really liked Crockett a ton! And there was only one of him!
  • THEY’RE ALL SO SWEATY. Plus several of these women have gotten extensions since the first episode, I think. Jubilee especially.

I’m thinking about going to Floyd’s Barbershop to see if they’ll trim my hair. Is that a bad idea? Just a TRIM. They have ladies on their website, I checked.

  • Oh JoJo, I had a good feeling about you, and I know that that good feeling was misplaced because I’m pretty sure you go home tonight. It’s very sad.

There’s something about my brother and The Real World that I don’t super remember. Either he talked about auditioning, or when we lived together me and our roommates tried to talk him into auditioning? (They were holding the auditions in Boulder, we weren’t trying to get him anywhere crazy or anything.) The plan was that he was going to be a dick, I think? I don’t know, we were like 22. That’s how shows like that and this get made. A bunch of 22 year olds with bad ideas.

  • Maybe I was wrong about JoJo? Also, are there local bars that host viewing parties or something with Lace as a guest?
  • Caila (or some name that sounds less like a broken erection drug?) gets two other people on her date? Two comedians? That sounds … fun, but also a medium terrible way to get to know someone? Although you know what’s a great way to get to know someone: cognac and condoms. Assuming, of course, that neither one of you needs a prescription for Caila.
  • Is sitting in a hot tub in a fluorescently lit hot tub store with Kevin Hart actually a great way to relax, Caila? Is it?


Is anyone naming their daughters Esther, currently? Um …. checked and yes. Some. It’s been in the top 30% of names since 2000, who knew. (None of the bachelorettes are named Esther, but I did go to high school with a very dramatic woman of that name?)

  • Ahaha so the sound has been a fraction of a second off from the picture for like ten minutes, and I JUST realized that’s what was happening. Before that I thought they were just sort of trying to make it all look like … a dream sequence?
  • Aww, Caila does seem like she’d be a good wife. In that every person would make a good life partner for someone if a life partner was what they were into. Like, what characteristics are going to make Ben say ‘oh god, she would make a goddamn terrible wife!!!’?
  • Second group date. Guys, I drink a lot, and I don’t usually notice or care what other people drink. But. These women are drinking …. well, constantly. Do you think any of it is a trick? Like grape juice or sparkling cider? Is it meant to rile everything up, maybe?
  • Oh twinsies. Don’t say you’re not smart out loud. I mean, don’t even think it, honestly, but definitely don’t SAY it.
  • Let’s put all the women in 5th Element LeLu outfits, said … someone, apparently.
  • “Your data were spectacular.” It’s a shame Crockett isn’t here, he has very strong feelings about the fact that data is plural.
  • This is fucking psychological warfare. The booze, the proximity, the (I assume) isolation, the constant capture the flag mentality.
  • Ben, do not say you’re surprised by how many amazing women came out for the show. It implies you think it’s below them, and nobody wants to hear that shit.
  • Also, did these women come to the show this fit or do they have a trainer person or something on site? If Hilary gets elected (purdy please) will strong arms go back out of style? (I’m giving Michelle Obama full credit for the recent arm muscle resurgence. Madonna tried to get us on board unsuccessfully for years.)
  • Where is the woman with the horse? Meagan? Did she get sent home last week and I missed it? Cowgirl, nooooo!!!!
  • Olivia is giving Lace a run for the over-reaction money. I knew it, you can tell cause she has the mouth of a cartoon character. “He’s my man at this point.” I think someone needs to revisit the rules.

Emily Blunt has a Simpson’s nose, right?

  • Ben is working a lot harder to justify his presence on the show than any of the ladies are. Despite being in this in a big way, he’s obviously a little bit embarrassed by the whole thing.
  • Awww making barrettes for Sarah’s babies? Cutie. (Should it be the single ‘most thoughful thing anybody’s ever done for’ her? Oh honey. I don’t know who fathered your children but if he never did anything that simple for you and them, good riddance to that dumbass.)
  • The twinsies ARE Jessica and Elizabeth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I’m not going to embarrass myself by googling how many other people have already pointed that out.)
  • Who is Rachel. What.
  • Awww. I thought it was JoJo who left but it was LB. LB, you were the best of us. Bless your heart.
  • Samantha, who I enjoy in a respectful way, has straight up black eyes right now like a Supernatural demon. Is someone murdered in a later episode? Because my suspect is fingered.

Aww. Sadness. Bye ladies. I, again, left my bracket at the office, but I don’t think I knew any of you were going home. Hugs all around.


flip and rewind

Tuesday, January 12th, 2016

So I super wanted to write about this young woman who posted a petition on asking stores like Forever 21 and Urban Outfitters to stop selling “inappropriate” clothing, but it took me forever to find the link and I’m tired so … maybe tomorrow I’ll have a fully thought out response. In case I don’t get to it, though, in summary: Petition writer, there is a point in the life of every woman (or should be) when she realizes that policing other women with regards to their obedience to patriarchal guidelines does none of us any good. Therefore, you should shop at the many stores that sell things that you want to wear, and then wear those things. AND, you should let other young women shop where and wear what they want to wear.

(To be clear, she is well spoken and I get that she’s excited about defending something she feels strongly about, and that’s beautiful. I wish I’d been so brave at fifteen. However, when she says things like “I and girls everywhere want to be able to be trendy and classy, modest but stylish,” and “clothes currently being released by beloved brands for girls tear away the innocence we deserve to treasure, and while we should look classy, young, and beautiful, we instead come across as cheap,” she’s undermining the women her age who chose to wear those ‘cheap’ clothes. She HAS choices that meet her needs, they’re in stores everywhere. The text of the petition has a very ‘you evil stores are making us into bad girls but we’re good girls’ undertone. That’s problematic for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that telling young women that good girls are modest is a huge part of rape culture. Oh, and of this.)


Sunday, January 10th, 2016


We went with unconventional engagement rings, which I’m really really pleased with for a few reasons. One, because they’re goddamn awesome. Two, because we picked something out together that was fun, and I think it’s nice to find fun in relationships, right? (Stay tuned for my new column on Cosmo called Totally Original Things No One Has Ever Said About Love Before.)

But three, and three should maybe be more like THREE, because it’s the biggie, engagement rings are a fucking intense topic and we navigated them well, I think. Why intense, you ask? Well, I’ve previously noted my thoughts on rings themselves, asking for permission, and proposals in general. If you don’t wanna go read through those, the general gist is ‘if you’re doing it because you want it and not because you’re supposed to, then you do you …’ BUT, with a strong edge of ‘are you suuuuuure you want it because you want it and not because the Wedding Industrial Complex told you to want it?’

I’m really irritating sometimes when I’m sure I’m right.

So, now, Crockett and I are engaged. Betrothed, even. And, you guys, I wanted a shiny diamond. I feel like any writing I do about feminism lately has been about how it’s hard, and this didn’t make it any easier. I was prepared for a non-traditional engagement, and then as soon as we started talking about it I was prepared for something shiny and pretty. I was found a shop where I loved basically everything, and he and I paged through it and looked at shapes and stuff. (Grey diamonds. Rose gold. How do these things get into your head when they’re getting popular but you don’t know they’re getting popular?) And it was stressing him out, trying to maintain a level of surprise while picking something I’d wear forever, and it was stressing me out, because … well, see the links above. I don’t actually believe that decision-by-dude acceptance-by-chick diamonds-are-forever marking-the-bride proposal tradition thing.

So, we picked rings out together. He’s wearing one too. My feminist analyst brain is comfortably relaxed with the whole thing, and our rings have Edith Pilaf lyrics and motherfucking skulls on them.

And the shiny diamonds I have pinned on the secret ‘that big party’ board on my pinterest? Of course I want them just a little. They’re beautiful. But not as beautiful as the rings we have.

I’m guessing this won’t be the first time feminist Emma and likes-pretty-things-and-being-a-princess Emma have this problem during this whole ‘getting married’ process.

let’s drink and watch: The Bachelor Episode 1

Friday, January 8th, 2016

There are some women down the hall from me at work, and they asked if I wanted to join a Bachelor bracket with them. I dig my immediate team, but … also I would like some super fun lady friends. So, for the very first time, I am watching the Bachelor. Ben (he himself) is from Denver, who knew. Anyway, I have sparkling wine and I paid Hulu extra monies so I wouldn’t have to watch commercials which REALLY works out in a show like this. Let’s go, people. 

Caila knew she had to dump her man after seeing ben on the bachelorette WHAT. We are off to a these-are-not-reasonable-people start.

Jubilee says ‘I’m on a mission to win Ben’s heart’ and she obviously thought it was the dumbest thing to say in the world. I’m guessing she was picturing her military friends watching this and internally cringing.
No one, Mandi. No one wants to be like everybody else. You’re SO UNIQUE, no one else has ever even wondered who wants to be like everyone else.
TWINS EVIL. Watch a horror movie sometime, Ben.
Wtf is a chicken enthusiast and why do you refer to them as your human babies, Tiara, do you know what humans are?
Ok I know I’ve had 20 chances to find this out, but do they all say something cheesy when they get out of the limo?
Oh a dick joke, that is super risky. That’d be me, and I’d currently be like ‘what the fuck was I thinking?’
Girl who didn’t tell him your name, he’s now thinking of you as ‘online stalker’, so .. whoops.
And also speak a language that Ben knows, it’s weird to force someone to not understand you.
DON’T TALK ABOUT THE OTHER GIRLS BOOBS oh my god I’m not going to be able to watch this show am I.
Ben was just visibly aroused by the twins which, chill your baloney, pony (which is something I say to Deaner when he’s getting all worked up, it’s not a dick reference)
MINIPONY. Awww, bye bye Lil Sebastian.
It’s weird how much I expected Ben to be freaked out by the woman who brought a save the date card. He’s literally there to find a wife. The patriarchy is in maaaaah head.
Oh I read about this host guy! He’s recently divorced and also looking for love, I guess? I wonder if he gets to chat with the ladies when Ben is otherwise engaged – he looks like he’s in his forties or fifties though so perhaps young women aren’t his thing.
I wanna be friends with Lace. I feel like that means she’s going to get kicked off.
BEN IS CALLING HIS DAD. If true, man, hugs to that guy. If staged, hugs to whoever had this idea, because it’s goddamn adorable.

If you quit your job to go on the Bachelor, you’re effectively saying that being his wife will be your job. Maybe he’s into that, maybe he ain’t, but … it doesn’t really bode well for thinking through your choices, maybe? Or maybe her job was fucking terrible, we don’t know her life. (Edited to add, she got the first rose so perhaps he’s into hiring a wifey.)

Oh Laces (which is what I would call Lace if we were friends), I think you maybe need to think about dating somewhere that isn’t TV. This doesn’t seem to be the best thing for your stability. Not that I think you’re unstable, just, stuff is hard, and processing it on TV seems even harder. Or you’re a little drunk? Or possibly both.
I wish the website had said that whats-er-face liked to be called Red Velvet. I would have picked my bracket differently. (Full disclosure, I don’t remember who was in my bracket or where, I’ll have to check tomorrow.)
Whoever had Ben call his dad also just suggested he say these women are out of his league. I hope that person is being well paid (or is Ben, I guess).
Giving out this many roses takes many times.
Crockett just got home and is asking me a lot of questions that are super good that I don’t know the answer to. Like, have there been twins before?
Laurens, there are four of you. One of you is going home.
LACES HONEY you got a rose.
Crockett thinks it’s for the best that Red Velvet did not get a rose, since Ben would just be guaranteeing himself a moment where he holds her hand as she dies of melanoma. Crockett is mean but also funny.
Success rate: I have no idea. I think I might have called one of the cancelled ladies, maybe, I’ll check tomorrow. Only …. twenty-four episodes to go? I have no idea. This is going to be awesome.
*Those two women who showed up in the middle and upset everyone are a mystery to me and I have no comment.

scritchy scratchy

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

Maida is really feeling her oats lately. Possibly because I switched the dogs to raw and freeze dried food? (PSA: it’s literally no more expensive than the good kibble I was feeding them before. I don’t really know how that’s possible but I’ve run the numbers twice and am a month into it and it all checks out so …. you know, if you have dogs, maybe look into it if you’re curious. You just have to remember to take the raw stuff out of the freezer and mix the freeze dried stuff up with water and stick it in the fridge every couple of days, easy peasy, and it feels like taking good care of them.)

Anyway, she’s been a goddamn nutball, and she’s so out of practice that she’s doing very ungainly things like falling off curbs and sticking her tongue up my nose when she tries to lick it.

‘Feeling your oats’ is kind of gross, right? The phrase? I’ll look it up in a second, but it, like, super feels like it’s about balls, right? Either that or rubbing your stomach so hard you can literally feel your breakfast?

Ok looking it up brb.

I was actually pretty sure, by the way, that I was going to google the phrase only to discover that it was something my mom invented, but nope, it’s a thing. It’s actually literally a thing that refers to how horses act after they get oats, so Maida feeling her oats after she eats her new food is very apt. Nailed it, self five.

(Wasn’t this fascinating? Other than looking at places to get married and wedding dresses (looking at EVERY wedding dress, starting to think separates, cause I’m a kicky gal) Maida being all goofy is literally the most noteworthy thing happening here. We are a simple folk.)