Image 01

emmanation

You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for February, 2016

fuck you right in the nose hole, TV

Thursday, February 25th, 2016

I mean my ACTUAL TV, to be clear. The actual physical manifestation of short form recorded visual programming that is in my actual house.

Television in general is still a-ok by me.

My actual TV’s offense occurred last night, but first allow me to set the scene.

First, Crockett was out of town. (Calm down, potentially murderous maniacs, by the time you read this he’ll be back and also I have an old school heavy-as-hell putter next to my bed (that actually may be haunted? A coworker let me borrow it for a corporate golf event, and when I tried to give it back he told me to keep it. When I protested, he allowed that he didn’t particularly want it anymore because it had belonged to someone who was no longer with us, and there was a definite air of bad juju. Perfect intruder smashing energy.) Also, where did you get my address? Maybe stop stalking intermittent bloggers and look into some therapy or a good podcast*?)

Second, I had alternately been reading the Sandman Slim series and watching season 3 of the X-Files all night. (Sandman Slim isn’t scary necessarily, but it is very much about hell and magic and stuff.)

Third, I have been listening to some very good podcasts*.

If the above doesn’t adequately set the scene, let’s remember (can you guys remember? Did I tell you? Probably not) that when I moved into this house I was genuinely planning on installing a deadbolt on the house side of the basement door. That’s the level of paranoia we’re working with here.

So, I give Maida her eye drops and her night time meds, and Agnes takes the opportunity to curl up on Crockett’s pillow because she sort of thinks she’s my boyfriend, and Deaner crawls under the blanket to my feet … basically we go full dog for bedtime, and I turn out the light and we all go to sleep.

AND THEN.

It’s the middle of the night.

It’s dark outside.

It’s regular wintertime surburban quiet … which is to say, pretty quiet …

EXCEPT FOR THE STATIC COMING FULL VOLUME FROM THE TELEVISION SET DOWNSTAIRS.

The dogs did not care about the static, which is the only thing that gave me comfort in this trying time.

I tiptoed downstairs (without the golf club, but maniacs, I will not make that mistake again) and looked at the TV. Yep, full static, full volume.

I had not had the TV at full volume when I turned it off for bed, but more alarmingly: it was still off.

The red ‘off’ light was lit, and the screen was full bore Poltergeist staticking me.

There’s no real ending to this. I unplugged the TV and ran upstairs and IM’d everyone I knew in the morning to tell them about my evil fucking TV. And now the TV is acting totally normal and not at all haunted.

But I’m not convinced.

So fuck you right in the nose hole, TV. Or ghost. Or both.

*You thought I forgot about this: Tanis, My Favorite Murder, The Black Tapes, and Last Podcast on the Left. None are particularly comforting in a situation such as the one I found myself in.

buh byebye

Tuesday, February 9th, 2016

Why haven’t we all learned to sign off phone calls the way people on tv do?

Here’s why I ask: I sign off phone calls the way people on tv do.

Which is to say, when it appears that the conversation is over.

Maybe I do just watch too much tv, but … people on tv don’t say goodbye very often. Here’s a generalized example:

“So, do you want to go out tomorrow night?”

… pause heavy with meaning…

“Yes.”

“Good. Tomorrow night it is.”

Both characters hang up their phones and look pleased with themselves. Annnnnd scene.

Not only did they not make a plan regarding where and when they would meet, they also didn’t say goodbye.

THIS IS A THING THAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

Which leads me to believe it’s ok (aside from the obvious lack-of-detail issue), because where are we supposed to learn our social cues from if not popular culture? Established norms? I spit on your established norms.

(I don’t really. I’m kind of all about operating within boundaries, y’all.)

But still. I’ve been seeing it on tv so long that I do it myself. Crockett has called me out on it more than once, but no one else has … so maybe while I’m hanging up without saying goodbye, everyone else is too? Fill me in. Do we say goodbye or do we hang up once all (or most) useful info has been communicated and we’re at a good stopping point?