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emmanation

You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

tap tap BZZZ

November 3rd, 2017 by biscuit

Last year my mother bought me an Apple Watch 2 for Christmas. (Read: my mother is lovely and brilliant and I am living in that middle class America Apple sweet spot – you’re welcome, Steve Jobs (picture me doing that thing where I double tap my chest with a fist, then kiss it and then point at the sky, ok?)). (Please note: my mom does not read this blog. I think it makes her uncomfortable, so I am definitely not sucking up.)

I adore the watch, and I’m embarrassed to say exactly why, because there are a few good reasons it makes no sense for me.

– I’m rarely more than five feet from my phone. I sleep with the damn thing under my pillow, although that’s because it’s my alarm and nighttime-clock and I’m so blind without my contacts that I need it four to five inches from my face. (I’m just gorgeous, obviously.)
-The activity circles are fun, but I had a fitbit before the watch and this isn’t that much of a step up.
-I don’t use the bluetooth music, because bluetooth headphones might as well be made of clouds and cancelled tv shows for all I’m able to hold onto them. Also, I carry my phone when I run in case of falls or bald eagles (saw a bald eagle today, was amazing), so I can always use real headphones.
-The face shows me the time, temp, stage of the moon, date, and progress in activity – I look at my wrist for one of those things, two or three times a day at most.

Do you know why I DO love it so much?

The damn haptics.

Ok, I’m going to define that, because I didn’t know what it was. If you know what it means already then apologies to you, smartypants.

Haptics are the morse-code-esque vibrations that the watch sends through my wrist when I get a notification.

Morse code is too specific, probably. There are only a few, and to be honest I’m not sure I even remember what they are right now. My wrist knows what my brain doesn’t, though. Like, there’s one that (I think) is two short pulses that reminds me to stand up at fifty past every hour if I haven’t taken at least 100 steps that hour. (Yes, that sounds pathetic, unless you work in an office and now you’re kind of thinking it’s helpful, right?) There’s the weird long resonant ones that come when I close an activity circle (calories, minutes exercised, stand goal).

Then, of course, there’s the actual ‘someone is talking to you!’ ones. The double tap for text, and a doubletapbuzz for messages. Those are the fun ones, because when they show up when I can’t look at my phone or watch (meeting, yoga class, etc), I have something to look forward to. Is this how people used to feel when there was a light on their answering machine?

(I’m assuming answering machines didn’t come with the existential dread that voicemails currently impart, right? If they had, they’d all have ended up in rivers and lakes and we’d have a serious fish/small appliance interaction problem the world over.)

Anyway, that’s it. I love my watch, because it talks to me in a secret, silent, very limited, physical code that usually sends me to another machine I carry in my back pocket.

I am a ridiculous person, smartwatch developers are genius, or potentially both.

 

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