The ‘I’m a PC commercials’ give me goosebumps. The mac commercials were starting to strike me as so.. smug, kinda. You know? The PC has progressed from this sorta goofy guy you could laugh at and relate to to this ridiculous, trick playing, fake crown wearing, pizza box hiding…. I could go on but the point is they’ve crossed the line. I no longer support the commercials.
And in as much as I love my iPhone (her name is Baby), I’m a little bummed at Apple.  Therefore, the PC commercials make me smile awfully big. Cause, you know, I’m a PC.

Americans eat, on average, 24 quarts of ice cream a year.

Pause for thought. Not pints – we’re not talking the Ben & Jerry’s sized ice cream.  Quarts.  That would be 96 CUPS a year.  Cups of ice cream.  That’s almost two a week.

Who is eating all that ice cream? Two cups a week? We’re a nation on a diet! We don’t like sugar or fat or carbs… and yet somehow everyone you know is secretly eating two cups (4 servings) of ice cream a week.  And I don’t eat ice cream (as a general rule, I prefer my dessert to be flour and butter based), so someone is eating mine.  And I have two friends who are lactose intolerant, and my brother is a vegan.. you see where I’m going with this. Who, seriously, is eating all that ice cream?

Anyway, it turns out that Haagen-Daz and Ben & Jerry’s are the two most successful premium ice cream companies in the US. They’ve basically built their brands around appealing to two entirely different market segments. Haagan-Daz is for yuppies and Ben & Jerry’s is for hippies. I want to be a Ben & Jerry’s girl, I do, and when do I buy ice cream I never even CONSIDER Haagen-Daz. Does that somehow mean that I have escaped yuppiedom, despite my fairly convincing exterior portrayal? Is my Nederland background enough to ground me in the world of those grassroots ice cream makers?

Also, does the fact that Haagen-Daz is now Nestle and Ben & Jerry’s is Unilever (yes, who makes Dove and Axe and Bertolli and Wishbone and Slim-Fast… hmm that’s kinda funny) change anything?  Ice cream philosophy.  Beats the hell outta that whole actual philosophy thing.

Things that would suck:
♠Being an aspiring actress and getting a lead role in a movie, only to discover after the movie is released that it inadvertantly offends a major religion that you personally have no problem with.
♣Sending a mass email to friends and family telling them about some interesting development in your life, but accidentally mistyping one address and it going to a local DJ, who proceeds to read your email on the radio and mock you.
♥Becoming a werewolf.
♦Falling in love with someone rich and getting married and purchasing a nice big house and a new car then discovering he’s actually a polygamist, then getting sued by his other wives for your house and car.
♠Confronting a friend of yours who you think is a compulsive gambler, telling her you know what she’s going through because you were there too, and then finding out that she’s actually a necrophiliac and thinks thats what you were talking about.
♣Accidentally kicking your phone while in the throes of passion and speed dialing your parents.This, in case anyone is wondering, is the only one that has happened to me and it was his parents, not mine. You know, his mom never warmed up to me….

Things that would be awesome:
♥Going on a diet and finding out that when your friends said you had a pretty face they weren’t lying, and becoming a famous model because of your gorgeous bone structure.
♦Going to the Humane Society and adopting an adorable puppy, then getting in the car with her and having her say ‘hi! thank you so much for taking me outta there, we’re going to have so much to talk about! but now, I have to pee’.
♠Getting arrested and tried for something you had nothing to do with, then being found innocent and getting two hundred thousand dollars for your pain and suffering and having lots of hilarious jail stories to tell for the rest of your life.
♣Being George Clooney’s bartender.
♥Being a werewolf and coming to terms with it, then falling in love and finding out your new boyfriend is also a werewolf and is completely up for some crazy werewolf lovemaking.
♦Struggling with your hypochondria and taking one last visit to your doc before going cold turkey, then finding out that you have a mysterious illness that is totally curable and will now be named after you, then being invited on many many talk shows to discuss the aforementioned illness.

Normal things that make me happy:
Vacation.
Strawberries and foxes.
White paint.
Robert B. Parker.
Recommendations.
Monkey slippers.

What is it about birthdays? I know people who don’t even want to acknowledge them, people like me who spend a month plus milking them, and everyone in between.

And then there’s my dog.  She has no idea there is something special about today. As far as she’s concerned, she got to come to my office – hey that’s cool, she gets to go to the mountains tonight – hey that’s cool, she’ll prolly get some extra cookies – hey thats WAY cool…. but she has no idea why.

I’m sure there’s a deeper message in there somewhere, but I don’t know what it is. I do know that it makes me happy to make her happy.

Also sunshine and driving around during the day and being together – that makes both of us happy.  In general this is a very good day.

Hairspray was orginally made in 1988.  About 1962. And it was remade in 2007. So social commentary has been a little … distorted.  But still, man, I’m mid-Corny’s dance off and I have to say, I love it.  I’m actually getting a little teary. Of course, I cried during Run Fatboy Run (two Emma thumbs up) this afternoon, so my emotional threshold isn’t necessarily the gold standard.

1) What I remember from my first time, watching the original: the ditzy white best friend making out pretty aggressively with her new african american boyfriend. In an alley. And possibly someone making out with Corny Collins (unless that was Grease?). This has all been removed from the new version.  While I understand the need for a PG-13 rating, I have to say that social change should come with passion, no?

2) Cross dressing? Divine, the famous cross dresser who played the original Mrs. Turnblad, was.. campy. She was fabulous in the way that the women I saw at BJ’s Carosel were fabulous – intentionally feminine but.. majestic. Bigger and bolder and just MORE than a born woman would ever be. John Travolta played Mrs. Turnblad in the new version and swear to god, he looked like a woman.  An enormous woman. A statuesque woman with a suspiciously deep voice, but there was nothing that said drag queen. Why hire a man if a woman is what you want? Really? Plus, I know there are rumors about him being gay, and I can’t say that this was the best way to dispell them.

3) Segregation is bad. Smart people know that. Smart brave people say ’hey lets stop this’. Only stupid people actually fool around with those of the opposite race.  Wait, is that the message they meant to send? Really?

4) You’re more likely to be overweight if you’re brunette. Really, that’s what I learned. Blond girls are more likely to be skinny manipulative bitches who have the cute guys for the first half of the movie/life, and brunettes can get fat and will be loved anyway. As the possibly worst person EVER, I found myself chanting the ’fatty fatty two by four’ poem at work the other day.  In my defense, I was talking to my friend about our recent failure to go to the gym, which we do together.  AND she’s the thinnest person I know. Invisible when standing sideways. But still. I’m evil.

5) Dancing used to be cool. There were dances everyone knew and they involved nifty hand movements and poofy skirts. Dances were danced on TV. I love poofy skirts. I love nifty hand movements. I love TV. I should’a been born in .. 1947.

And… I think that’s all it taught me. But I’m considering purchasing it because I feel there is so much more to learn.So much more.

Also, sweet thing bakeshop deposited its first checks today. Admittedly some have been sitting in my wallet for weeks, but still. First deposit. YAY me.

Things I learned today:

1) Radicchio is disgusting. Really. It’s like bitterness and crunchiness and grossness all rolled up into a nasty purple leaf.  I remember wanting to make radicchio risotto when I was in college and not being able to find it anywhere – turns out Golden supermarkets were doing me a favor.  Thanks, Golden supermarkets, I would have wasted some serious college student cash on that cabbage wannabe.

2) Cloey will eat anything if you put enough salad dressing on it.  Hello, usage for the radicchio I picked out of my salad.

3) I always get what I want. Apparently. Except when I want it a lot – when I want it more than anything else.  What kind of ‘always get what you want’ is that, hmm? The lame kind, that’s right. And the very worst kind? Having the person who could give it to you telling you ‘you always get your way’, then kicking you out of their life. At least it helps you not want it anymore, I guess, huh?

4) Julianna Margulies has GREAT hair. I learned that women who have that crazy curly hair don’t want it, but man, it looks good from this side of the fence. The mildly-wavy-curly-ish-if-you-don’t-touch-it needs-straightening-if-you-want-it-to look-at-all-intentional side of the fence.

5) Any lawyer that dodges a soundbar ought to be disbarred.

6) Our favorite cake as adults is heavily influenced by what kind of cake our mothers made for our birthdays as children.

7) Just because it seems like two people are a good match on paper, it doesn’t mean they’ll like each other at all in person.
Unexpected reactions are addictive.  Ok, I learned that while at brunch with my lovely friend on Saturday, but I remembered today so I’m listing it under things I learned today.

Eight things. Whoever said ‘you learn something new every day’ wasn’t paying attention.  It has been a really really bad day.  But – look at what I have to show! Eight new things.  Yay me.

or – The Aftermath of a Home Invasion.

No, no one broke into my house.  My darling Dawn was here for pre-wedding festivities/sushi/pajama parties/general girly type debauchery.  She was originally planning on bringing her husband-to-be and only staying with me a few days, but for some reason he didn’t want to hang out with his fiancee’s best friends while they discussed the wedding plans of the 50% of them that are betrothed and had pillow fights in thier underwear.  Who am I to judge?

So it honestly took me a bit to get used to having her here.  I mean, my mornings are about grinding coffee and watching VH1 while I put on my running clothes.  Not exactly sleeping guest friendly.  But now I miss her!! Stupid empty red couch.  So …. what am I doing to entertain myself?

So far:
    Contemplating whether or not I can see ghosts.

Do I have any reason to believe I can? Well… no. Unless that guy outside is a ghost. Which he totally could be, since no one but his dog is looking at him right now.  So that’s the question, right? Yes, I realize he PROBABLY isn’t a ghost.  But how do I know? So now I’m entertaining myself by considering ways of touching a stranger that don’t seem completely creepy, just to make sure he’s actually there.

(looking for secret messages? get back to work. ok, fine, there is one, but you’re probably not going to find it.)

*emmanation note: does it seem like an awful lot of these were posted on the 26th?

The Format are breaking up.
Is it just me, or does the fact that you will never hear a new song from your favorite band feel a little like knowing you won’t get to kiss the man you love ever again? Or finding out that you’re allergic to your favorite food?  Or hearing from your best friend that she’s joining the peace corps somewhere there are no phones?

this SUCKS.

Reasons I’m considering becoming a vegetarian:

1) Switching from a meat intensive diet to vegetarianism is the equivalent of switching from driving a Chevy Suburban to a Toyota Camry.  From an energy consuption standpoint, of course, not a straight up pimpin’ standpoint.  My diet isn’t particularly meat intensive, but I’m thinkin’ I might be able to swing the equivalent of a switch from, oh, a big red Toyota truck to a little grey Scion xB, huh?

3) MorningStar Farms Chik’n Patties.  YUM.  Better than the real thing.

4) My dog.  Yes, this is a stretch – but I love her! She has a personality, a life, a story… and maybe a cow would too if I got to know it.

Reasons I’m considering it being a stupid idea:

1) Hamburgers.  Red Robin, Chilis, Southern Sun…. with pineapple and teriyaki, with fried onions and barbeque sauce, with cheddar and tomatoes and lettuce and lots of mayonnaise….

2) Spaghetti Carbonara.  Probably not quite the same with Veggie Bacon.  I mean, I haven’t tried and I may, but it seems unlikely.

3) I’ve never actually met a cow… and probably never will.

That’s three reasons against and three reasons for.  Not quite the landslide I was hoping for – but life seems to be like that these days (kisses Hill, I’m still on your side).

Should I give it a week?  Maybe I’ll just join the Peace Corps.  You get the moral bonus, the reduced energy consumption, and you still get to eat meat.  It’s probably wild boar jerky, but I have no doubt it’s delicious none the less.

Or not. The girlfriend part, not the catastrophe part – I think I’ve got that part pretty well covered.

So, as a very sad girl today, my plan for tonight was pretty much to go to bed with a bottle of gin and not think about it until tomorrow.  However, I have since stumbled on an alternative plan which I think may beat that hands down.  Not only will it have the same effect (I will end the night drunk and depressed), it will allow me to share the sorrows of others instead of … well, you know, wallowing.

What is this brilliant plan, you ask?  The State of the Union Drinking Game, of course!
While I could go the easy way, and just drink twice every time he says ‘God’, I think I’m going a bit more political.

• Every time Bush mentions Iran: 1 drink
• Hamas: 1 drink
• North Korea: 1 drink
• Bush begins a sentence with “British Intelligence…”: Drink an entire bottle of whatever you were drinking three years ago, throw it at the TV
• Bush mentions the people of New Orleans: Cry into your beer, then drink it.
• Bush mentions the people of New Orleans in a positive light: Shot of bitters.
• Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina: Tell person sitting next to you that you’ll refill their glass, leave town for a couple days.
• Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina in a positive light: Check the label.
• Every time Bush makes reference to a previous President’s SOTU address: 1 drink.
• If the reference is to a Democratic President’s speech: 2 drinks.
• To Grover Cleveland’s 1888 address: Finish the bottle.
• Bush mentions Coretta Scott King: pour out a 40 on the curb.
• Chris Penn: Pour out a 40, a steak, and a milkshake on the curb.
• “Health Savings Accounts”: Enjoy the freedom to choose a drink you can’t afford.
• Bush ends the speech with “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”: A billion drinks.

Thank you Wonkette.
Isn’t doing it for you? Try this one. Better hurry, though – only half an hour left and you’re probably already several shots behind me.

Later notes – yes, have been drinking, why do you ask?  Did he just say:
“catch and release” when referring to immigrants?
“nucular”?
“republican”?
“hishpanish children”?
“nucular”?
WAIT – someone definitely just yelled boo-yah. wtf?
“whim of the gavel”? Do you think he says that to Laura at night? ‘Laura, baby, its time to obey the whim of the gavel’. She probably just laughs.
(how does sending 3000 troops to afghanistan count as bringing them home? wait, that’s real politics, and this is about binge drinking while I watch GW mispronounce words on the teevee)
I think Cheney is asleep
“nucular”? that’s three times. I think that means I have to go to the liquor store.
Did he just refer to the country of New Orleans? Seriously.
“and by ‘save these vital programs, I mean completely eviscerate them’”.  I must be watching the outtakes.

and… I’m done.