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emmanation

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Archive for the ‘girl geek’ Category

a super upsetting review

Tuesday, November 14th, 2017

I mean, I’m not super upset.

Well, I might be. It’s been a rough fall.

But this is not about that. This is about A SUPER UPSETTING COOKBOOK ABOUT SANDWICHES (real title, guys). It’s by a guy who owns a sandwich shop in NY called No. 7 Sub and I would really appreciate some takeout from the next person I know who goes there, ok?

I have made none of these sandwiches, but not for the first time I’m sitting on my couch reading through the book and laughing. I’m going to try to give you four funny quotes, but if they don’t seem funny then let’s agree you just need more context and should read the book yourself, ok?

  • “With all the usual condiments, [fake/meaty veggie burgers] taste a lot like McDonald’s hamburgers, which are both excellent and the end of the world.
  • “… I am drinking as fast as I can so that I can be funny again. I am trying to write ‘A Heartbreaking Cookbook of Staggering Sandwich Genius’, but I realize that it’s just ‘An Immature Food Book of Stuttering Sandwich’.”
  • About people who insist on a bag for a single, well wrapped sandwich: “I’m going to start making little handles for your sandwich out of masking tape and make you carry your sandwich like a tiny, broccoli-filled briefcase. And don’t make this sandwich because it is too good for you.”
  • Do a bunch of stuff to prep mussels. “And if any of your mussels don’t close while you’re doing all this, then throw them away and give a very brief speech for each one of them. I never said this was going to be easy.”

Is the funny coming across? He’s mad about a lot of things. People complaining about good food for dumb reasons is what most of them boil down to, but … maybe funny-mad is actually just my particular sweet spot. (Says the writer who is shooting for that at least 68% of the time.)

Anyway. If I was going to make one sandy from this book (and I might! Even though I hate sandwiches!), it would be The Famous Rap Battles of History (again, real sandwich name, guys). I, to no one’s surprise, don’t have permission to give you his recipe (I mean I didn’t ask so this seems like the safe assumption). But look at the assembly list.

  • Fried Fish
  • hamburger buns
  • Coleslaw
  • Dirty Tartar Sauce
  • General Tso’s Sauce

Everything in italics is a whole separate recipe, y’all, and the recipes aren’t always what you’d expect. The coleslaw has fried garlic in it. Dirty tartar sauce is mostly chicken liver. It’s no wonder I haven’t made this.

Super upsetting.

conspiring against you

Friday, November 10th, 2017

Scene: reading/video game time the other night
Characters: me and Crockett

me: I have a question that’s going to require some thought, so don’t feel like you have to answer right away
Crockett: ok
me: what conspiracy theory, if you found out it was actually true, would you find absolutely the most surprising?
C: 
me: like, if I heard the Illuminati were real, I’d think ‘huh, didn’t really see that coming but ok’
C: 
me: if the moon landing was faked, I’d be impressed with the organization required to pull it off. And surprised, of course, but not the MOST surprised I could be
C:  mole people?
me: that’s a real thing
C: it’s definitely not
me: ok, my real one is lizard people. If it turned out that there were giant lizards dressed as people and they were, like, infiltrating government. That’s the one I would be the very most surprised by
C: … (never actually answers, leading me to conclude he believes in all the conspiracies already)

I’ve since realized that I forgot about the flat Earth thing, and if that were true I might actually be more surprised. Lizard people would be a close second, though.

exes and oh’s

Monday, November 6th, 2017

I was talking to Star a little bit ago about… something. Something I wanted to bake? Possibly how I wanted to make apple cake during Rosh Hashanah but it seemed disingenuous, somehow? And she said, and I quote (loosely because it was at least a month ago and what do you want from me, a perfect memory or the willingness to check my gchat logs?):

Pinterest has made that irrelevant anyway.

*Quickquick, before you accuse Star of cultural appropriation, she is actually Jewish. Not Seinfeld’s dentist Jewish, either. And Mexican. She calls herself a JewJewBean and is obviously a hilarious person.*

But.

Is Pinterest just a secret bastion of cultural appropriation for Christian white girls? (Hellllo hyperbole.)

Look, I like Pinterest. I do. I’m not great at returning to my own pins, but I love the ease of marking something. I have boards called ‘want to wear’, ‘STEM fashion’, ‘mmmmmmm’, ‘purdy places’, ‘stuff and nonsense’, ‘BANGS BANGS BANGS’, and more, and I pin new things a few times a week at least.

But.

Like, think about the people with the colonial wedding. Or Paula Deen and her plantation wedding. Or Julianne Hough and her blackface Halloween costume.

When I started at my current job, I made hamantaschen around Purim and took them into the office. It was just sort of residual from years of celebrating all the holidays with M- and working at a Jewish owned bakery in Boulder (SO MUCH apple cake, honey cake, challah… ugh, I’m hungry now). Then I chatted with someone in the stairs who saw them and told me about the differences between the recipes his mom and his wife used, and I felt … inappropriate appropriation. In a whole different way than the colonial wedding people, because a) cookies are good and b) there’s no obvious indicators when looking at me that I was borrowing baked goods from the holiday of another culture, but that almost felt worse. I felt like I was misleading this very nice man, somehow, and I haven’t made anything more culturally significant than cupcakes for the office since.

But, Pinterest. The cookie thing was significant for me because I came face to face with someone whose personal history included these cookies. Pinterest is an echo chamber of white women. Mostly with at least some college, mostly of working age. My gut from being actually *on* Pinterest (and the overwhelming dedication to Christmas and Easter) says mostly of Christian backgrounds, although I’m not finding any research to confirm or deny.

So, if someone pins something from outside that world that’s a little iffy (say, a geisha halloween costume), who is going to point out the ways that might be problematic the way they would on Tumblr or Insta? Instead, people are going to pin it to their own boards. Everyone will think ‘other people are pinning it, it’s fine’.

I’ve talked myself into Star’s opinion. In the world of Pinterest, people don’t ask if things are ok – if they’re repinned, they are and can be transferred to the real life suburb in which they originated. If they’re not, they were probably lame anyway.

I didn’t make the apple cake around Rosh Hashanah, but if I make one now, is it just cake? I’ll ask … Reddit. Those white boys love to tell people when they’re doing something wrong.

tap tap BZZZ

Friday, November 3rd, 2017

Last year my mother bought me an Apple Watch 2 for Christmas. (Read: my mother is lovely and brilliant and I am living in that middle class America Apple sweet spot – you’re welcome, Steve Jobs (picture me doing that thing where I double tap my chest with a fist, then kiss it and then point at the sky, ok?)). (Please note: my mom does not read this blog. I think it makes her uncomfortable, so I am definitely not sucking up.)

I adore the watch, and I’m embarrassed to say exactly why, because there are a few good reasons it makes no sense for me.

– I’m rarely more than five feet from my phone. I sleep with the damn thing under my pillow, although that’s because it’s my alarm and nighttime-clock and I’m so blind without my contacts that I need it four to five inches from my face. (I’m just gorgeous, obviously.)
-The activity circles are fun, but I had a fitbit before the watch and this isn’t that much of a step up.
-I don’t use the bluetooth music, because bluetooth headphones might as well be made of clouds and cancelled tv shows for all I’m able to hold onto them. Also, I carry my phone when I run in case of falls or bald eagles (saw a bald eagle today, was amazing), so I can always use real headphones.
-The face shows me the time, temp, stage of the moon, date, and progress in activity – I look at my wrist for one of those things, two or three times a day at most.

Do you know why I DO love it so much?

The damn haptics.

Ok, I’m going to define that, because I didn’t know what it was. If you know what it means already then apologies to you, smartypants.

Haptics are the morse-code-esque vibrations that the watch sends through my wrist when I get a notification.

Morse code is too specific, probably. There are only a few, and to be honest I’m not sure I even remember what they are right now. My wrist knows what my brain doesn’t, though. Like, there’s one that (I think) is two short pulses that reminds me to stand up at fifty past every hour if I haven’t taken at least 100 steps that hour. (Yes, that sounds pathetic, unless you work in an office and now you’re kind of thinking it’s helpful, right?) There’s the weird long resonant ones that come when I close an activity circle (calories, minutes exercised, stand goal).

Then, of course, there’s the actual ‘someone is talking to you!’ ones. The double tap for text, and a doubletapbuzz for messages. Those are the fun ones, because when they show up when I can’t look at my phone or watch (meeting, yoga class, etc), I have something to look forward to. Is this how people used to feel when there was a light on their answering machine?

(I’m assuming answering machines didn’t come with the existential dread that voicemails currently impart, right? If they had, they’d all have ended up in rivers and lakes and we’d have a serious fish/small appliance interaction problem the world over.)

Anyway, that’s it. I love my watch, because it talks to me in a secret, silent, very limited, physical code that usually sends me to another machine I carry in my back pocket.

I am a ridiculous person, smartwatch developers are genius, or potentially both.

 

If Dean Winchester Were Your Boyfriend

Monday, July 31st, 2017

Pouring one out for The Toast.

  1. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, his shirts would be your shirts, whether he liked it or not. “Babe, we haven’t hit a laundromat in weeks”, he’d say as you wrapped yourself up in one of his flannels. “You smell great,” you’d tell him and mean it.
  2. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, most of your meals would be eaten on the road. For your health, your brother-in-dating Sam would constantly watch what you ate. If you ordered a burger and milkshake, he’d detour to the kitchen and make sure the shake ended up with a few handfuls of spinach in it. When you found out, he’d ask how you thought Dean made it to 40 while never willingly ingesting a vegetable.
  3. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, you’d teach him the names of older musicians he’d never heard of so he could use them as fake names when he ran out of 80s musicians. He’d pretend to just take the information as handy, but later you’d catch him listening to Dead Man’s Curve on youtube.
  4. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, he would tell you that you never had to worry about being attacked by demons or witches. Every time you bought a new purse, though, you’d find almost immediately that a knife had been sewn into the lining and an anti-hex hex bag had been tied to the handle.
  5. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, you’d get the kind of attention in bars that you’d previously thought was a myth. The two of you would walk into anywhere and every server in the room would see him and be available all night for your every need. He’d tell you he thought you were teasing him when you told him most of the world didn’t get that kind of treatment, but then he’d wink at you and do a shimmy to whatever song was playing on the jukebox.
  6. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, the first time you got a panic attack because you met an angel he’d bring you a beer and a quarter of Xanax and tell you to play checkers with Cass. “You can’t be scared of angels once you see they have no sense of humor,” he’d tell you, and then he’d punch you in the shoulder and mouth ‘be yourself’ to Cass behind your back.
  7. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, he’d use his hunter network to set up an elaborate birthday surprise for you. Every place you stopped on a road trip would have a booth reserved and a different colored balloon tied to your seat. You’d suspect it was partially Sam’s idea, but that wouldn’t matter because Dean would grin every time he saw your huge smile.
  8. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, his mom would try to make you tough and Dean would get mad at her every time. “She doesn’t need to know what it feels like to slice her palm for a blood sigil, Mary,” he’d say. “I’ll always be around.”
  9. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, he’d learn what ‘woke’ and ‘kyriarchy’ mean and you’d sometimes hear him explaining them to other people. Afterwards he’d tell you dejectedly that he wasn’t sure he’d overcome his buddy’s idea that women make less money because they don’t know how to ask, and you’d kiss his neck and take him out for a piece of pie.
  10. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, the world probably would have ended by now. If it did, though, he would have been thinking about you while he did something insane to try to save it.