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emmanation

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Archive for the ‘girl geek’ Category

let’s drink and watch: The Bachelor Episode 1

Friday, January 8th, 2016

There are some women down the hall from me at work, and they asked if I wanted to join a Bachelor bracket with them. I dig my immediate team, but … also I would like some super fun lady friends. So, for the very first time, I am watching the Bachelor. Ben (he himself) is from Denver, who knew. Anyway, I have sparkling wine and I paid Hulu extra monies so I wouldn’t have to watch commercials which REALLY works out in a show like this. Let’s go, people. 

Caila knew she had to dump her man after seeing ben on the bachelorette WHAT. We are off to a these-are-not-reasonable-people start.

Jubilee says ‘I’m on a mission to win Ben’s heart’ and she obviously thought it was the dumbest thing to say in the world. I’m guessing she was picturing her military friends watching this and internally cringing.
No one, Mandi. No one wants to be like everybody else. You’re SO UNIQUE, no one else has ever even wondered who wants to be like everyone else.
TWINS EVIL. Watch a horror movie sometime, Ben.
Wtf is a chicken enthusiast and why do you refer to them as your human babies, Tiara, do you know what humans are?
Ok I know I’ve had 20 chances to find this out, but do they all say something cheesy when they get out of the limo?
Oh a dick joke, that is super risky. That’d be me, and I’d currently be like ‘what the fuck was I thinking?’
Girl who didn’t tell him your name, he’s now thinking of you as ‘online stalker’, so .. whoops.
And also speak a language that Ben knows, it’s weird to force someone to not understand you.
DON’T TALK ABOUT THE OTHER GIRLS BOOBS oh my god I’m not going to be able to watch this show am I.
Ben was just visibly aroused by the twins which, chill your baloney, pony (which is something I say to Deaner when he’s getting all worked up, it’s not a dick reference)
MINIPONY. Awww, bye bye Lil Sebastian.
It’s weird how much I expected Ben to be freaked out by the woman who brought a save the date card. He’s literally there to find a wife. The patriarchy is in maaaaah head.
Oh I read about this host guy! He’s recently divorced and also looking for love, I guess? I wonder if he gets to chat with the ladies when Ben is otherwise engaged – he looks like he’s in his forties or fifties though so perhaps young women aren’t his thing.
I wanna be friends with Lace. I feel like that means she’s going to get kicked off.
BEN IS CALLING HIS DAD. If true, man, hugs to that guy. If staged, hugs to whoever had this idea, because it’s goddamn adorable.

If you quit your job to go on the Bachelor, you’re effectively saying that being his wife will be your job. Maybe he’s into that, maybe he ain’t, but … it doesn’t really bode well for thinking through your choices, maybe? Or maybe her job was fucking terrible, we don’t know her life. (Edited to add, she got the first rose so perhaps he’s into hiring a wifey.)

Oh Laces (which is what I would call Lace if we were friends), I think you maybe need to think about dating somewhere that isn’t TV. This doesn’t seem to be the best thing for your stability. Not that I think you’re unstable, just, stuff is hard, and processing it on TV seems even harder. Or you’re a little drunk? Or possibly both.
I wish the website had said that whats-er-face liked to be called Red Velvet. I would have picked my bracket differently. (Full disclosure, I don’t remember who was in my bracket or where, I’ll have to check tomorrow.)
Whoever had Ben call his dad also just suggested he say these women are out of his league. I hope that person is being well paid (or is Ben, I guess).
Giving out this many roses takes many times.
Crockett just got home and is asking me a lot of questions that are super good that I don’t know the answer to. Like, have there been twins before?
Laurens, there are four of you. One of you is going home.
LACES HONEY you got a rose.
Crockett thinks it’s for the best that Red Velvet did not get a rose, since Ben would just be guaranteeing himself a moment where he holds her hand as she dies of melanoma. Crockett is mean but also funny.
Success rate: I have no idea. I think I might have called one of the cancelled ladies, maybe, I’ll check tomorrow. Only …. twenty-four episodes to go? I have no idea. This is going to be awesome.
*Those two women who showed up in the middle and upset everyone are a mystery to me and I have no comment.

STARWARSSPOILERSGOAWAYIFYOU…

Tuesday, December 29th, 2015

You know. I’m not kidding, here, people. Two steps back if you don’t want things ruined. (DAD THIS MEANS YOU. Call me, we’ll go see it, THEN you can read this post.)

Ok, first and most brilliantly of me:

When Adam Driver took his helmet off (what, halfway through the flick?) I started laughing and couldn’t stop. I’m not sure what it was about his Kleenex-you-took-out-of-the-box-for-a-sneeze-but-then-forgot-about-when-you-didn’t-sneeze-so-you-just-left-it-and-it-got-all-dusty face that did it, but it just brought it out in me. Fortunately I had Crockett on one side of me and one of the theater’s only empty seats on the other, so I didn’t wildly anger anyone who was able to make eye contact with me.

Literally could not stop laughing, you guys. I had to pull my hat down over my eyes so I couldn’t see him just to calm down. You know how when someone has been tickling you, and then they wave their fingers in the general direction of your foot or armpit or whatever, and you laugh because you just can’t help it, even though your stomach muscles hurt from the laughing and they’re not even touching you? It was like that, except the tickling was Adam Driver’s stupid fucking child-making-a-bust-and-only-has-white-playdoh-left face trying to pretend he was HAN SOLO’S KID.

I digress.

Oh, wait, one more thing on that note: Crockett has been saying things like “Hannah, what are you talking about?” in the Kylo Ren voice and it slays me every goddamn time. Girls and Star Wars are two franchises that are not actor compatible, is what I’m saying. (I just had to google Adam Driver to remember that it was Kylo Ren and not Rilo Ken (Jenny Lewis, shades of) and again I started laughing. His face is just the everlasting WORST.)

We went to the flick on Christmas morning, with Crockett’s fam – mom, dad, brother, sis-in-law, nephews, and niece, and I think that was 100% the right way to do it. Everyone from brother on even got Star Wars shirts for Christmas! There was appropriate kid excitement, good camaraderie, I don’t know. The whole thing was super. Except that some of the pre-preview commercials were, um, not particularly child appropriate, which was weird. Like, guys, it’s STAR WARS. There will be kids. Maybe Cutty from House and the slobby guy from Private Practice banging in a car is best for a different audience?

So.

I’m not going to do a recap or anything, because if you’ve gotten this far, you’ve seen it or you’re a glutton for punishment. Instead, I have three critical questions.

  1. WHEN did Leia know that Han died? No one told her when it happened, and yet we cut to a scene of her crying. The pilots (hey, Poe, call me. I’m engaged and you’re fictional and look a lot like my fiance, so that should work out nicely) didn’t have info on what was going on in the … octagon thing. I asked Crockett and he said she knew immediately because she has the force. I asked my mom and she said it’s because Leia loved Han. Crockett, mom: I love you guys but those are stupid answers. Leia was surprised to see Han when she saw him on the tinyglasseslady’s planet, she doesn’t psychically sense him. She’s a general now, she gives orders, she doesn’t listen to wavelengths or whatever. I think someone told her and I think it was Chewbacca – she slipped him an ear peanut thingy (wow it has been a long day … you know, those little things? The little earphone microphone things? Am I wrong in believing those even have a name?) and he told her. Feel free to correct me as long as your answer is better than mom’s or Crockett’s.
  2. WHO is Rey? (Yeah, yeah, me and everyone else. I’m going with Luke’s daughter, but then WHO is Rey’s mama?)
  3. WAS (who what when where was, that’s how it goes) Carrie Fisher being filmed with a Barbara Walters interview lens? You know, the one with a little bit of Vaseline on it?

I’m going to go see it again, and this time I’m going to take blacked out glasses to put on when Adam Driver is onscreen. That way I miss the Solo tragedy AND and won’t be removed from the story by his if-he-were-on-GOT-we’d-assume-he-was-inbred face.

EDITED TO ADD: I just saw Carrie Fisher tweeted about people being mean about her aging, and I want to be clear. She is the best. While she is obviously super hot, she also has a dog named GARY FISHER and he has his own Instagram. My comment re her filming was not a dig at her at ALL but a legitimate question regarding the fuzziness of the screen when she was on it, it felt like. She’s lovely and I love her and would invite her to dinner with Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler and Regina Spektor and a) I would be the ugliest woman in the room and b) I would die damn happy.

exterminate

Tuesday, December 15th, 2015

The thing about not writing for awhile is feeling like when you start up again, the subject either has to be momentous or explanatory.

So, like, I could have gone with getting engaged (whoop whoop!) as my momentous news, and then eased back into the day to day. But instead I dropped it like a … small subtle thing that you drop? and then stopped again. I also could have gone with our engagement as the explanation for the lack of blogging, but we haven’t set a date yet, much less started doing any work that actually takes any time, so that’d be easily disproved bullshit.

So then you don’t write, and then you’re in the habit of not writing, and that’s much easier than being in the habit of writing.

But every so often, when I’m not writing, something happens that makes me feel like doing it. Tonight, that thing was watching Doctor Who while reading the AV Club Doctor Who coverage.

Because, well. Doctor Who because obviously, Jessica Jones (and because the 10th Doctor is THE Doctor fight me and if you have shit to say about Rose fight me twice). The AV Club because their television writing is just fucking brilliant.

So I think to myself, well, I want to watch TV and write about it, but I don’t really! Mostly because that would involve watching NEW things, and for some reason I prefer my television intake to be about 80% rewatching.

For example, The Man in The High Castle is available and super fun, at least in the whole ‘it’s like the real world only worse in tiny interesting ways’ way. Like the Nazi themed kids magazine Crockett pointed out, Ranger Reich.  The AV Club has fun coverage that hits on the interesting points, ties in past things we might have missed, and bring up watchers gossip. It’s helpful if you love the show and fun even if you don’t. Like very liberal Cliff Notes, sort of.

Crockett hopped a couple of episodes ahead of me while I was finishing NaNoWriMo, and I promised him I’d catch up before we went out of town last week.

And then I watched all of Psych and the 9th Doctor’s season instead. (The 9th Doctor is acceptable. Matt Smith has no place in my heart or this blog.)

I seriously couldn’t help myself.

Crockett and I have very few shows that we watch together, so when we find one we stick with it (because sometimes you want to both point your faces at the tv and do nothing else at all). Add that to the fact that I like The Man in the High Castle, and this should have been a smash hit! (I like the hair and costumes, at the very least, and that pulled me through a whole damn season of Smash, speaking of.) I just couldn’t make myself do it, somehow.

I have two theories. The first is that it’s not the simplest show, and it requires actual focus while watching. I use TV more as company, while I’m doing chores, and rewatching means I can leave the room without pausing or whatever. (I’m suddenly struck by the idea that I’ve written about this before? If so, sorry!)

The second is that I hate new things, like a cranky old lady.

Fifty fifty, I think.

So, momentous: I have watched more than 100 hours of television in the last two or three weeks. Explanatory: same same. Kicker: none were The Man in the High Castle.

P.S. Is Hitler the man, does anyone know? I’m obviously not going to watch, so you can just tell me. I won’t tell Crockett, promise.

 

you can’t spell dumb without … MB?

Thursday, October 29th, 2015

My department at work shares a whole (cubicle)(taller than me but shorter than most people) wall with one of my company’s various sales departments.

That means I listen to a lot of sales calls. The things I know about the inner workings of Cakebread Vineyards, y’all.

(That ^ is a very poorly executed trick in that Cakebread is not a customer of ours as far as I know but I’m hoping that they’ll call me and offer to bribe me with wine to not tell my secrets.)(<That just ruined that whole plan.)

The sales people work their asses off. The woman immediately over the wall from me has a customer that’s particularly needy, and I hear how hard she works to meet their demands only to be presented with a new set. Nothing but respect, straight up.

Their boss is just down the hall from me, and she has a real door. On that door, someone posts an ever changing series of motivational quotes. I actually don’t think it’s her, because she travels a TON, but the effect is the same. No one who works for her can leave their area without seeing the quote of the week. I think of it the door (and apparently refer to it as you will soon see) as the inspiration door.

Today I noticed this week’s quote, and it prompted the following exchange with Crockett:

Me: is there a name for
‘there’s no i in team’
that kind of saying
Crockett: hm
aphorism?
cliche
adage
saying
Me: like specifically using language rules as a metaphor for what that language is saying?
there’s one on the inspiration door
‘you can’t have challenge without change’
which is dumb
and then I was thinking about how dumb they all are
like when the word team was developed
ha
developed
that person was not thinking ‘ahaha let’s exclude the letter that, outside this word, indicates the first person singular pronoun mwahahahahaha’
Crockett: brilliant! (Ed: still don’t know if he meant me or that theoretical language developer)
Me: “future coaches everywhere will worship me”
Crockett: I don’t know that there’s a specific word for adages/sayings that rely on the morphology/spelling of the words in them
Me: then how can I google them to find more to think are dumb?
Crockett: “I put the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional’”
Me: ok I sort of like that one
Crockett: You can’t spell slaughter without laughter
ok, I googled “you can’t spell” and am looking at the suggested completions…
that’s a good strategy
Me:aaaaaa
very wise

And then we learned nothing new except ‘you can’t spell healthcare without THC’, which, get a grip, Colorado.

P.S. What do challenge and change have to do with each other? The thing that kicked this off makes it sound like challenge is something to shoot for, which I’m not fully in support of because that’s what people say after terrible things happen to them. “Oh, honey, it’s been six months since your husband died how ya holding up?” “I’m ok, you know. Every day is a new challenge.”

Basically it sounds like a threat. Sure, you wanna change something? You suuuuure? Did you know you can’t spell challenge without change? Mwahahahahaha.

 

kah-WEEEEEEN ah-man

Thursday, January 29th, 2015

I bought a mixer and now I HAVE to use it, right? So I’m making kouign amann. Which it turns out only uses the mixer for like five minutes and then requires approximately 100 minutes of shoulder intensive rolling. Good plan, Emma, good plan.

I’m going to take the finished product to work in the morning, and I hope that it’s going to counteract something that happened today.

See, here’s the thing. Darling Crockett (YES we hang out all the time NO I don’t know what it means) got me these really fun travel books for my birthday. They’re the ’36 hours in’ books from the NY Times for Europe and the West Coast of the US and Canada, and they’re full of pictures and teeny tiny itineraries, which I just love. They make it very easy to imagine ‘well if I were to stop by Dublin for a weekend, I’d…’. So I had the books in my cube and Coastie came by, and then my super fun tall conspiracy theorist coworker who I can’t remember if I made a nickname for came by, and then another guy who definitely doesn’t have a nickname but is very nice squeezed in, and then our boss brought over her donut and settled in for a chat, and then her peer joined her.

Keeping track? Three coworkers and two bosses and me. In my cubicle, which I think is like one and a half feet by three feet.

Roughly.

So we’re chatting about the travel books and them I’m showing everyone the instagram picture of my new mixer (see above) and then asking if they know where I can find a

  • Member of the clergy
  • Medical Doctor
  • School Principal
  • Bank Manager
  • Solicitor/Lawyer
  • Police Officer or
  • Magistrate/Judge

who knows someone who knows me (Irish citizenship whoohooo) and yet another coworker stops by and says what’s happening here?

And I say jokingly,

“Oh, I’m just holding court.”

WHICH (to be fair) IS EXACTLY WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

Because I am loud and extroverted and no one else on my team is. That is why. That is a good reason. I feel like an idiot so I’m try to justify my loud mouth, can you tell?

AND THEY ALL CAME TO ME.

I’m sorry, that was too many capital letters. But seriously, they all came to my cube unbidden to hang out and catch up and then, when I said the thing about me basically being queen, they all looked askance. ‘Well she thinks she’s very special doesn’t she’ I bet they thought.

I am stupid and terrible and I am not the queen. Ok, fine. I am the queen. I am queen of the nerds and it is a position I am proud to hold.

Which I guess makes the kouign amann my let them eat cake moment.

That worked out, right?

(Also from Crockett – an Easy Tiger tote bag. Guy knows me, can’t lie.)