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Archive for the ‘girl geek’ Category

you can’t spell dumb without … MB?

Thursday, October 29th, 2015

My department at work shares a whole (cubicle)(taller than me but shorter than most people) wall with one of my company’s various sales departments.

That means I listen to a lot of sales calls. The things I know about the inner workings of Cakebread Vineyards, y’all.

(That ^ is a very poorly executed trick in that Cakebread is not a customer of ours as far as I know but I’m hoping that they’ll call me and offer to bribe me with wine to not tell my secrets.)(<That just ruined that whole plan.)

The sales people work their asses off. The woman immediately over the wall from me has a customer that’s particularly needy, and I hear how hard she works to meet their demands only to be presented with a new set. Nothing but respect, straight up.

Their boss is just down the hall from me, and she has a real door. On that door, someone posts an ever changing series of motivational quotes. I actually don’t think it’s her, because she travels a TON, but the effect is the same. No one who works for her can leave their area without seeing the quote of the week. I think of it the door (and apparently refer to it as you will soon see) as the inspiration door.

Today I noticed this week’s quote, and it prompted the following exchange with Crockett:

Me: is there a name for
‘there’s no i in team’
that kind of saying
Crockett: hm
Me: like specifically using language rules as a metaphor for what that language is saying?
there’s one on the inspiration door
‘you can’t have challenge without change’
which is dumb
and then I was thinking about how dumb they all are
like when the word team was developed
that person was not thinking ‘ahaha let’s exclude the letter that, outside this word, indicates the first person singular pronoun mwahahahahaha’
Crockett: brilliant! (Ed: still don’t know if he meant me or that theoretical language developer)
Me: “future coaches everywhere will worship me”
Crockett: I don’t know that there’s a specific word for adages/sayings that rely on the morphology/spelling of the words in them
Me: then how can I google them to find more to think are dumb?
Crockett: “I put the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional’”
Me: ok I sort of like that one
Crockett: You can’t spell slaughter without laughter
ok, I googled “you can’t spell” and am looking at the suggested completions…
that’s a good strategy
very wise

And then we learned nothing new except ‘you can’t spell healthcare without THC’, which, get a grip, Colorado.

P.S. What do challenge and change have to do with each other? The thing that kicked this off makes it sound like challenge is something to shoot for, which I’m not fully in support of because that’s what people say after terrible things happen to them. “Oh, honey, it’s been six months since your husband died how ya holding up?” “I’m ok, you know. Every day is a new challenge.”

Basically it sounds like a threat. Sure, you wanna change something? You suuuuure? Did you know you can’t spell challenge without change? Mwahahahahaha.


kah-WEEEEEEN ah-man

Thursday, January 29th, 2015

I bought a mixer and now I HAVE to use it, right? So I’m making kouign amann. Which it turns out only uses the mixer for like five minutes and then requires approximately 100 minutes of shoulder intensive rolling. Good plan, Emma, good plan.

I’m going to take the finished product to work in the morning, and I hope that it’s going to counteract something that happened today.

See, here’s the thing. Darling Crockett (YES we hang out all the time NO I don’t know what it means) got me these really fun travel books for my birthday. They’re the ’36 hours in’ books from the NY Times for Europe and the West Coast of the US and Canada, and they’re full of pictures and teeny tiny itineraries, which I just love. They make it very easy to imagine ‘well if I were to stop by Dublin for a weekend, I’d…’. So I had the books in my cube and Coastie came by, and then my super fun tall conspiracy theorist coworker who I can’t remember if I made a nickname for came by, and then another guy who definitely doesn’t have a nickname but is very nice squeezed in, and then our boss brought over her donut and settled in for a chat, and then her peer joined her.

Keeping track? Three coworkers and two bosses and me. In my cubicle, which I think is like one and a half feet by three feet.


So we’re chatting about the travel books and them I’m showing everyone the instagram picture of my new mixer (see above) and then asking if they know where I can find a

  • Member of the clergy
  • Medical Doctor
  • School Principal
  • Bank Manager
  • Solicitor/Lawyer
  • Police Officer or
  • Magistrate/Judge

who knows someone who knows me (Irish citizenship whoohooo) and yet another coworker stops by and says what’s happening here?

And I say jokingly,

“Oh, I’m just holding court.”


Because I am loud and extroverted and no one else on my team is. That is why. That is a good reason. I feel like an idiot so I’m try to justify my loud mouth, can you tell?


I’m sorry, that was too many capital letters. But seriously, they all came to my cube unbidden to hang out and catch up and then, when I said the thing about me basically being queen, they all looked askance. ‘Well she thinks she’s very special doesn’t she’ I bet they thought.

I am stupid and terrible and I am not the queen. Ok, fine. I am the queen. I am queen of the nerds and it is a position I am proud to hold.

Which I guess makes the kouign amann my let them eat cake moment.

That worked out, right?

(Also from Crockett – an Easy Tiger tote bag. Guy knows me, can’t lie.)

yes privilege I know

Monday, January 26th, 2015

I had a really nice iPhone 5s and I broke it.

Well, clarification, I had a normal 5s. There was nothing particularly nice about it except that all 5s’s are nice. Either way, I broke it. I was at The Post with a darlin friend and I held it up and somehow (cough*beers*cough) I dropped it from the barstool I was sitting on flat onto the concrete patio floor below. The screen shattered. It was an ugly moment. I may have blamed the girlfriend I was with because she may have asked to see the phone – that part is unclear and has likely been exaggerated in my head every time I looked at my shattered screen, but who can say for sure?

I still have that 5s but it is no longer really nice. Or normal. See, I thought it was a good idea to replace the screen myself. Which, to be fair, with my coworker’s help, it totally was. It costs upwards of $175 to get the screen replaced on a 5s by a professional, did you guys know that? Possibly because of the fingerprint thing? Dunno. You can buy a screen, and the tiny screwdriver that apparently exists for no purpose other than removing iPhone screen screws, for like $50, and there are instructions online.

It turns out that the instructions leave a lot to be desired and the tiny screws that are removed by the tiny screwdriver are very easily lost. My very kind coworker and I replaced the screen really adequately! We used my tiny fingers to hold things in place and her smart fingers to actually do the work and it was an excellent division of labor. No matter what we tried, though, we couldn’t get the screen to load afterwards. I took the phone to a professional who shifted one tiny thing, told me I was super close, didn’t charge me, and handed me a functional phone.

A functional phone missing a single screw. A screw that I’d taken out and put somewhere for safekeeping. Somewhere so safe I still haven’t found it.

Turns out it was an important screw.

This is a very long way of telling you that I HAVE A NEW PHONE. It’s a 6 and it’s very pretty and my tiny fingers will perhaps eventually get used to the size?  However, I’m thinking of making a rule that I’m not allowed to touch the phone at bars. At least while I’m drinking? Or over concrete floors? The details are still up in the air, I’m open to suggestions.

Please be aware that if you currently receive intermittent hilarious texts from me after 8 pm on Friday or Saturday nights, any rule you put in place may curtail that.


dot deepcrotchedpant

Wednesday, January 7th, 2015

Did you guys know you can get a bunch of new websites now? Like, where there used to be .com and .org and .biz there are a million billion choices?

Some I could buy:

  • (aahahahahah no)
  • (hat tip to Crockett for finding this one)
  • … something … .cash. What? I can’t think of what’s funny to follow up with cash but I think there must be lots and lots of choices.
  • (where I would put the doggie cam feed so I could watch them when I’m not home, obviously)
  • (like, who wouldn’t hire me if I were looking for a job which I’m not because I still love my job but if I were who wouldn’t hire me with a website like that, huh?)

I’m sure this is actually the bottom of the barrel, because for some reason urls aren’t a medium I’m really finding my groove in. It’s almost like I’m going to be thirty four in ten days and am too old for this.


Anyway. If someone is super tempted by, then at least leave me, all right? It doesn’t have the same ring to it but, you know. Sloppy seconds or something. Whatever.

well I think YOU GUYS are two metals. gold medals.

Monday, December 29th, 2014

The office has been very, very deserted since before Christmas.

First, it was fun. I got there one morning and while there were a few cars in the parking lot, none of the lights on the second floor were on and no one was making any noise. (I did actually see a box of donuts that smelled vaguely of donuts which probably means they were fresh donuts, right? Day old donuts are not known for their enticing smell. I guess I could have checked.

Man, what if those donuts were a present from some kind of donut fairy for the first person to arrive on the second floor?

What if all day long, everyone assumed the donuts belonged to someone else and the WHOLE TIME they were my donuts?)

By today it was a little boring. My work bestie Coastie has been there the whole time but that’s kind of like going to an empty restaurant with your boyfriend. Like, yeah, you’re with someone you like and you’re going to have a good time but you should be having MORE interaction. Otherwise you could be on your couch. My simile is breaking down pretty rapidly.

Or not, because today I did end up on my couch after lunch, because the magic of the internet means never having to say ‘of course I can help you with that as long as you don’t mind that I’m wearing leg warmers and am covered in dogs’.

Everyone comes back on the 2nd, but I have two more days to go of working with a skeleton crew. (Plus, fun fact, my work is primarily building things that sales people sell and when the sales people are on vacation then I don’t have a lot to build. My RSS feed is at < 500 for the first time since September. Did you guys know that the Doc in NY with Ebola is totally cured??)

My ideas so far are:

  • Stream endless episodes of The Office on my phone. It’s like working. Except not. Plus Coastie and the other two guys from my team who will be on hand aren’t tv people so I bet I could show them the funny parts and they’d laaaaaaugh.
  • Practice my SAS programming. High on the list of smart and reasonable things to do.
  • Reenact endless scenes from The Office FOR Coastie et all. Upside, no excessive data usage. Downside, I think my Dwight is probably weak and honestly I suspect I would look like I was making fun of one of my actual coworkers but it would be because my impression granularity is bad, not because he’s actually like Dwight. I swear.
  • Decorate our aisle. The stats group is in a very tight, very boring cluster of cubes and we’re surrounded by sales and finance and their flashy push-pinned wall accoutrements. This would be the perfect time to up our game but literally the only thing I’ve thought of so far is caricatures of my team as super heros which a) nerdy and b) I cannot draw caricatures and do not know anyone who can.
  • Find one of the following: doctor, lawyer, member of the clergy, school principal, or police person. I’m mailing in my application for Irish citizenship this week but oddly, the Irish consulate cares not for our silly notary publics. They, instead, want me to find an upstanding person from one of those careers to sign a thing saying I am in fact me. I know we have lawyers working at my office but they probably didn’t run out of vacation yet. However, perhaps someone is an ex-cop. Or an ex-principal. There’s nothing about being a current whatever in the application, so I just need to talk to relative strangers all day about all the various things they’ve done for a living.
  • Ooo ooo ooo alternate idea: make a really cute sign for my desk that says ‘if you are/were/know a doctor etc, please let me know!’. That wouldn’t be weird at all.

Ideas are welcome.