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emmanation

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Archive for the ‘girl geek’ Category

STARWARSSPOILERSGOAWAYIFYOU…

Tuesday, December 29th, 2015

You know. I’m not kidding, here, people. Two steps back if you don’t want things ruined. (DAD THIS MEANS YOU. Call me, we’ll go see it, THEN you can read this post.)

Ok, first and most brilliantly of me:

When Adam Driver took his helmet off (what, halfway through the flick?) I started laughing and couldn’t stop. I’m not sure what it was about his Kleenex-you-took-out-of-the-box-for-a-sneeze-but-then-forgot-about-when-you-didn’t-sneeze-so-you-just-left-it-and-it-got-all-dusty face that did it, but it just brought it out in me. Fortunately I had Crockett on one side of me and one of the theater’s only empty seats on the other, so I didn’t wildly anger anyone who was able to make eye contact with me.

Literally could not stop laughing, you guys. I had to pull my hat down over my eyes so I couldn’t see him just to calm down. You know how when someone has been tickling you, and then they wave their fingers in the general direction of your foot or armpit or whatever, and you laugh because you just can’t help it, even though your stomach muscles hurt from the laughing and they’re not even touching you? It was like that, except the tickling was Adam Driver’s stupid fucking child-making-a-bust-and-only-has-white-playdoh-left face trying to pretend he was HAN SOLO’S KID.

I digress.

Oh, wait, one more thing on that note: Crockett has been saying things like “Hannah, what are you talking about?” in the Kylo Ren voice and it slays me every goddamn time. Girls and Star Wars are two franchises that are not actor compatible, is what I’m saying. (I just had to google Adam Driver to remember that it was Kylo Ren and not Rilo Ken (Jenny Lewis, shades of) and again I started laughing. His face is just the everlasting WORST.)

We went to the flick on Christmas morning, with Crockett’s fam – mom, dad, brother, sis-in-law, nephews, and niece, and I think that was 100% the right way to do it. Everyone from brother on even got Star Wars shirts for Christmas! There was appropriate kid excitement, good camaraderie, I don’t know. The whole thing was super. Except that some of the pre-preview commercials were, um, not particularly child appropriate, which was weird. Like, guys, it’s STAR WARS. There will be kids. Maybe Cutty from House and the slobby guy from Private Practice banging in a car is best for a different audience?

So.

I’m not going to do a recap or anything, because if you’ve gotten this far, you’ve seen it or you’re a glutton for punishment. Instead, I have three critical questions.

  1. WHEN did Leia know that Han died? No one told her when it happened, and yet we cut to a scene of her crying. The pilots (hey, Poe, call me. I’m engaged and you’re fictional and look a lot like my fiance, so that should work out nicely) didn’t have info on what was going on in the … octagon thing. I asked Crockett and he said she knew immediately because she has the force. I asked my mom and she said it’s because Leia loved Han. Crockett, mom: I love you guys but those are stupid answers. Leia was surprised to see Han when she saw him on the tinyglasseslady’s planet, she doesn’t psychically sense him. She’s a general now, she gives orders, she doesn’t listen to wavelengths or whatever. I think someone told her and I think it was Chewbacca – she slipped him an ear peanut thingy (wow it has been a long day … you know, those little things? The little earphone microphone things? Am I wrong in believing those even have a name?) and he told her. Feel free to correct me as long as your answer is better than mom’s or Crockett’s.
  2. WHO is Rey? (Yeah, yeah, me and everyone else. I’m going with Luke’s daughter, but then WHO is Rey’s mama?)
  3. WAS (who what when where was, that’s how it goes) Carrie Fisher being filmed with a Barbara Walters interview lens? You know, the one with a little bit of Vaseline on it?

I’m going to go see it again, and this time I’m going to take blacked out glasses to put on when Adam Driver is onscreen. That way I miss the Solo tragedy AND and won’t be removed from the story by his if-he-were-on-GOT-we’d-assume-he-was-inbred face.

EDITED TO ADD: I just saw Carrie Fisher tweeted about people being mean about her aging, and I want to be clear. She is the best. While she is obviously super hot, she also has a dog named GARY FISHER and he has his own Instagram. My comment re her filming was not a dig at her at ALL but a legitimate question regarding the fuzziness of the screen when she was on it, it felt like. She’s lovely and I love her and would invite her to dinner with Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler and Regina Spektor and a) I would be the ugliest woman in the room and b) I would die damn happy.

exterminate

Tuesday, December 15th, 2015

The thing about not writing for awhile is feeling like when you start up again, the subject either has to be momentous or explanatory.

So, like, I could have gone with getting engaged (whoop whoop!) as my momentous news, and then eased back into the day to day. But instead I dropped it like a … small subtle thing that you drop? and then stopped again. I also could have gone with our engagement as the explanation for the lack of blogging, but we haven’t set a date yet, much less started doing any work that actually takes any time, so that’d be easily disproved bullshit.

So then you don’t write, and then you’re in the habit of not writing, and that’s much easier than being in the habit of writing.

But every so often, when I’m not writing, something happens that makes me feel like doing it. Tonight, that thing was watching Doctor Who while reading the AV Club Doctor Who coverage.

Because, well. Doctor Who because obviously, Jessica Jones (and because the 10th Doctor is THE Doctor fight me and if you have shit to say about Rose fight me twice). The AV Club because their television writing is just fucking brilliant.

So I think to myself, well, I want to watch TV and write about it, but I don’t really! Mostly because that would involve watching NEW things, and for some reason I prefer my television intake to be about 80% rewatching.

For example, The Man in The High Castle is available and super fun, at least in the whole ‘it’s like the real world only worse in tiny interesting ways’ way. Like the Nazi themed kids magazine Crockett pointed out, Ranger Reich.  The AV Club has fun coverage that hits on the interesting points, ties in past things we might have missed, and bring up watchers gossip. It’s helpful if you love the show and fun even if you don’t. Like very liberal Cliff Notes, sort of.

Crockett hopped a couple of episodes ahead of me while I was finishing NaNoWriMo, and I promised him I’d catch up before we went out of town last week.

And then I watched all of Psych and the 9th Doctor’s season instead. (The 9th Doctor is acceptable. Matt Smith has no place in my heart or this blog.)

I seriously couldn’t help myself.

Crockett and I have very few shows that we watch together, so when we find one we stick with it (because sometimes you want to both point your faces at the tv and do nothing else at all). Add that to the fact that I like The Man in the High Castle, and this should have been a smash hit! (I like the hair and costumes, at the very least, and that pulled me through a whole damn season of Smash, speaking of.) I just couldn’t make myself do it, somehow.

I have two theories. The first is that it’s not the simplest show, and it requires actual focus while watching. I use TV more as company, while I’m doing chores, and rewatching means I can leave the room without pausing or whatever. (I’m suddenly struck by the idea that I’ve written about this before? If so, sorry!)

The second is that I hate new things, like a cranky old lady.

Fifty fifty, I think.

So, momentous: I have watched more than 100 hours of television in the last two or three weeks. Explanatory: same same. Kicker: none were The Man in the High Castle.

P.S. Is Hitler the man, does anyone know? I’m obviously not going to watch, so you can just tell me. I won’t tell Crockett, promise.

 

you can’t spell dumb without … MB?

Thursday, October 29th, 2015

My department at work shares a whole (cubicle)(taller than me but shorter than most people) wall with one of my company’s various sales departments.

That means I listen to a lot of sales calls. The things I know about the inner workings of Cakebread Vineyards, y’all.

(That ^ is a very poorly executed trick in that Cakebread is not a customer of ours as far as I know but I’m hoping that they’ll call me and offer to bribe me with wine to not tell my secrets.)(<That just ruined that whole plan.)

The sales people work their asses off. The woman immediately over the wall from me has a customer that’s particularly needy, and I hear how hard she works to meet their demands only to be presented with a new set. Nothing but respect, straight up.

Their boss is just down the hall from me, and she has a real door. On that door, someone posts an ever changing series of motivational quotes. I actually don’t think it’s her, because she travels a TON, but the effect is the same. No one who works for her can leave their area without seeing the quote of the week. I think of it the door (and apparently refer to it as you will soon see) as the inspiration door.

Today I noticed this week’s quote, and it prompted the following exchange with Crockett:

Me: is there a name for
‘there’s no i in team’
that kind of saying
Crockett: hm
aphorism?
cliche
adage
saying
Me: like specifically using language rules as a metaphor for what that language is saying?
there’s one on the inspiration door
‘you can’t have challenge without change’
which is dumb
and then I was thinking about how dumb they all are
like when the word team was developed
ha
developed
that person was not thinking ‘ahaha let’s exclude the letter that, outside this word, indicates the first person singular pronoun mwahahahahaha’
Crockett: brilliant! (Ed: still don’t know if he meant me or that theoretical language developer)
Me: “future coaches everywhere will worship me”
Crockett: I don’t know that there’s a specific word for adages/sayings that rely on the morphology/spelling of the words in them
Me: then how can I google them to find more to think are dumb?
Crockett: “I put the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional’”
Me: ok I sort of like that one
Crockett: You can’t spell slaughter without laughter
ok, I googled “you can’t spell” and am looking at the suggested completions…
that’s a good strategy
Me:aaaaaa
very wise

And then we learned nothing new except ‘you can’t spell healthcare without THC’, which, get a grip, Colorado.

P.S. What do challenge and change have to do with each other? The thing that kicked this off makes it sound like challenge is something to shoot for, which I’m not fully in support of because that’s what people say after terrible things happen to them. “Oh, honey, it’s been six months since your husband died how ya holding up?” “I’m ok, you know. Every day is a new challenge.”

Basically it sounds like a threat. Sure, you wanna change something? You suuuuure? Did you know you can’t spell challenge without change? Mwahahahahaha.

 

kah-WEEEEEEN ah-man

Thursday, January 29th, 2015

I bought a mixer and now I HAVE to use it, right? So I’m making kouign amann. Which it turns out only uses the mixer for like five minutes and then requires approximately 100 minutes of shoulder intensive rolling. Good plan, Emma, good plan.

I’m going to take the finished product to work in the morning, and I hope that it’s going to counteract something that happened today.

See, here’s the thing. Darling Crockett (YES we hang out all the time NO I don’t know what it means) got me these really fun travel books for my birthday. They’re the ’36 hours in’ books from the NY Times for Europe and the West Coast of the US and Canada, and they’re full of pictures and teeny tiny itineraries, which I just love. They make it very easy to imagine ‘well if I were to stop by Dublin for a weekend, I’d…’. So I had the books in my cube and Coastie came by, and then my super fun tall conspiracy theorist coworker who I can’t remember if I made a nickname for came by, and then another guy who definitely doesn’t have a nickname but is very nice squeezed in, and then our boss brought over her donut and settled in for a chat, and then her peer joined her.

Keeping track? Three coworkers and two bosses and me. In my cubicle, which I think is like one and a half feet by three feet.

Roughly.

So we’re chatting about the travel books and them I’m showing everyone the instagram picture of my new mixer (see above) and then asking if they know where I can find a

  • Member of the clergy
  • Medical Doctor
  • School Principal
  • Bank Manager
  • Solicitor/Lawyer
  • Police Officer or
  • Magistrate/Judge

who knows someone who knows me (Irish citizenship whoohooo) and yet another coworker stops by and says what’s happening here?

And I say jokingly,

“Oh, I’m just holding court.”

WHICH (to be fair) IS EXACTLY WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

Because I am loud and extroverted and no one else on my team is. That is why. That is a good reason. I feel like an idiot so I’m try to justify my loud mouth, can you tell?

AND THEY ALL CAME TO ME.

I’m sorry, that was too many capital letters. But seriously, they all came to my cube unbidden to hang out and catch up and then, when I said the thing about me basically being queen, they all looked askance. ‘Well she thinks she’s very special doesn’t she’ I bet they thought.

I am stupid and terrible and I am not the queen. Ok, fine. I am the queen. I am queen of the nerds and it is a position I am proud to hold.

Which I guess makes the kouign amann my let them eat cake moment.

That worked out, right?

(Also from Crockett – an Easy Tiger tote bag. Guy knows me, can’t lie.)

yes privilege I know

Monday, January 26th, 2015

I had a really nice iPhone 5s and I broke it.

Well, clarification, I had a normal 5s. There was nothing particularly nice about it except that all 5s’s are nice. Either way, I broke it. I was at The Post with a darlin friend and I held it up and somehow (cough*beers*cough) I dropped it from the barstool I was sitting on flat onto the concrete patio floor below. The screen shattered. It was an ugly moment. I may have blamed the girlfriend I was with because she may have asked to see the phone – that part is unclear and has likely been exaggerated in my head every time I looked at my shattered screen, but who can say for sure?

I still have that 5s but it is no longer really nice. Or normal. See, I thought it was a good idea to replace the screen myself. Which, to be fair, with my coworker’s help, it totally was. It costs upwards of $175 to get the screen replaced on a 5s by a professional, did you guys know that? Possibly because of the fingerprint thing? Dunno. You can buy a screen, and the tiny screwdriver that apparently exists for no purpose other than removing iPhone screen screws, for like $50, and there are instructions online.

It turns out that the instructions leave a lot to be desired and the tiny screws that are removed by the tiny screwdriver are very easily lost. My very kind coworker and I replaced the screen really adequately! We used my tiny fingers to hold things in place and her smart fingers to actually do the work and it was an excellent division of labor. No matter what we tried, though, we couldn’t get the screen to load afterwards. I took the phone to a professional who shifted one tiny thing, told me I was super close, didn’t charge me, and handed me a functional phone.

A functional phone missing a single screw. A screw that I’d taken out and put somewhere for safekeeping. Somewhere so safe I still haven’t found it.

Turns out it was an important screw.

This is a very long way of telling you that I HAVE A NEW PHONE. It’s a 6 and it’s very pretty and my tiny fingers will perhaps eventually get used to the size?  However, I’m thinking of making a rule that I’m not allowed to touch the phone at bars. At least while I’m drinking? Or over concrete floors? The details are still up in the air, I’m open to suggestions.

Please be aware that if you currently receive intermittent hilarious texts from me after 8 pm on Friday or Saturday nights, any rule you put in place may curtail that.