I like Marie Claire. In this issue, I got to read a pre break-down interview with Demi Moore as well as a semi-fluffy profile of Nikki Haley (Republican South Carolina governor, possible 2016 presidential nominee). I also got to see some pretty clothes on some pretty people. It’s generally a win-win. Sure, the ‘money matters’ section did offer the tip that marrying for money is ‘then’ and being your own breadwinner is ‘now’. (Their definition of ‘now’ is apparently pretty flexible.) I had to read the article about the amazing autistic artist who wasn’t diagnosed for some time because autism is more easily diagnosed in males (due to social preconceptions) to avoid throwing the magazine.

The second to last article in this issue (Feb 2012) is called Single Bridezillas. Here’s a sample:

… Ruth, a 38-year-old Barnard graduate [ed: is this Marie Claire code for lesbian? It's not clear] turned lawyer, is actively planning her wedding despite the fact that she’s single. “When I was 22, I bought two ring settings: one for a large diamond and a backup setting for a smaller diamond,” she says. “I’ve also purchased a vintage wedding gown… My dream is to have a wedding as magical as – don’t laugh – the one in Twilight: Breaking Dawn…. I feel pressured to get engaged, and it makes me fantasize about the kind of wedding I want someday.”

Twilight reference aside (I haven’t seen the movie and for all I know the wedding is breathtaking and the woman isn’t just a big Edward fan), I found this entire statement heartbreaking. Here is a presumably successful woman who is spending time actively purchasing things for a wedding to a person that she has not yet met. Of all of the goals she could be planning towards, that is one that she feels strongly enough about to be quoted in a magazine.

Further along in the article, the author mentions a board on the website TheKnot.com, a wedding planning website.

The board is called ‘Not Engaged Yet’.

This was the point at which I sputteringly read this whole thing out loud to Crockett. I finished with, “It’s just so sad that the wedding industrial complex is profitting from these woman who are socially cued to think this is the most important thing they can be doing.”

Crocket said, “Wedding Industrial Complex?”

I explained that weddings are a ~$160 billion/year business, we moved on, and I opened up The Knot to search for the message board. Sure enough, it exists, and is basically what it purports to be – a place for women who are not engaged but want to plan their weddings to chat with and support each other. (Today they also seemed to be really into cutting a hole in a piece of bread and sticking a cat’s head through it as well, which doesn’t really help counteract any single lady stereotypes, but to each her own.)

I don’t blame these women for wanting what they want. Not knowing the details of their situations, I can’t even blanket them with the assumption that the WIC, with some help from Disney, made them this way.

I once read that the average woman thinks about her weight and what she has and should do to affect that weight several times per hour. Accordingly, the average woman is hungry more often than the average man, because she is aware of the impact of consumption. The article suggested that women, overall, would be more successful if they could stop stressing about being fat. (Problematic, yes, but not the topic at hand.)

If that is in fact even sort of true, what does planning a wedding that isn’t an actual wedding doing? I have known women while they worked with their fiances to plan weddings, and it’s serious business. Even if you’re doing it without a deadline, it can’t be easy. Is it a hobby, like knitting, or is it an actual distraction from the things they could be doing?

People of my generation are getting married later and less frequently, and the Marie Claire article suggests that now that marriage is a ‘choice’ for woman, we’ve romanticized it more than ever before. If that’s the case, though, where are the ‘not engaged yet’ marriage boards for men? Weddings have always been in the bride’s domain, and whether that’s right or not, a wedding is clearly not about marriage if the plan is in place before the groom is identified.

Along with a perfect body, a perfect wedding seems to be something that we, as young(ish) woman, are told we should have; and apparently we’re going after it, even if we’re missing that crucial detail of who is on the end of the aisle.

I am writing words now, so technically, yes, it does seem to be true, but the true test will come momentarily when I return to the thing I actually need to be writing.

The thing that I need to be writing has the potential to be sort of a big deal (to me) and I’m not quite ready to talk about it yet, but it’s taking up all of my time.

Oh, also? I applied for a professor job at a community college today. That I am willing to talk about, but I find myself with very little to say. I filled out an application, wrote a page about why I’d be good at the job, a page about my teaching philosophy, and then submitted the whole shebang along with my resume and transcript. It was very exciting – but it’s possible that I’m letting Community cloud my judgement. Anyway, even if Jeff Winger doesn’t show up, I think it’s a job I would both enjoy and perform well.

That is if psychic detective is completely off the table.

P.S. Our toilet is bound and determined to run, and it’s going to drive me fucking insane. In my townhouse the toilet ran but a) you could fix it by jiggling the handle and b) I always blamed it on the ghost that lived there with me, so it never really affected my life. This? This is either my fault, Crockett’s fault, or no one’s fault, and when one is faced with a running toilet, one does not simply blame no one. And the handle jiggle is completely useless. It’s very irritating.

Did you? If you didn’t read it when it was published, you’ve missed a little. It’s been edited a bit and there’s now an apology at the beginning. However, the point is the same. Alyssa went on a date with someone she met online and that someone turned out to be a geek.

Like, quite a geek.

Like, he has his own Magic: The Gathering Pro Player card.

Apparently he’s a world champion. There’s a whole battle. Reddit is PISSED. How dare a girl blogger on a nerdy site say she didn’t want to go out with someone who played Magic? I came away from the original article thinking that the author was overplaying her hand. She went on a date with a nice guy who had a hobby that she found… what, distasteful? embarrassing? something. She tried to turn it into an online dating horror story, but she failed. Forbes called it ‘geek baiting’, and that may have been what Gawker was going for when the posted the article. Why else would a site aimed at geeks publish an article that was so openly disdainful? Even non-redditors are mad. Geek mom warns mamas not to let their babies grow up to date Alyssa.

I get why people are a little mad. She got kind of judgey.

The response she actually got, though, is absolutely insane.

Her article made her sound a little shallow and like she had nothing better to talk about.

It made Jon (the geek in question) sound like someone who likes games and, more interestingly, is super plus good at them.

She didn’t actually accuse him of anything he wasn’t proud of.

What the hell is everyone so pissed about?

P.S. If she was going to take issue with something about their date, how about the fact that he took her to a one man show based on the life of Jeffry Dahmer? Did he even ask first? What if she’s sensitive to cannibalism, dude?

What am I saying – of course you do.

It’s 2011, people.

We all think about reality tv, all the time.

Right?

No?

Anyway, I would be quite lame as a contestant on any show that involved a skill of any kind.

• So You Think You Can Dance? – No, I can’t dance. Not even in my head. I have one move, and it’s best performed when sitting down, and when Crockett and I were driving across country he referred to it as the Emma-dance, and now I’m not going to do it anymore.
• Project Runway – There’s a contestant this season who taught herself to sew 4 months ago, and she’s awesome. Crockett’s mom showed me how to sew a year ago and I’ve made a few purses with varying level of success, and hemmed some stuff. I’m pretty sure Heidi wouldn’t approve.

I could continue, but it would be a variation of those two things. I can’t actually do anything better than anyone else… except make smoothies.

Is there a smoothie making reality show?

Being talentless doesn’t exclude me from the second category of reality shows, of course. You know, the kind where they follow you around and watch what you do.

That, obviously, is because I don’t do anything. Ever, really.

• This fall on Fox: 30 Year Old Grad Students and the Laptops that Love Them.

Finally, it goes without saying that I would get my ass kicked in any competition based show. I’m not eating anything disgusting, thank you very much. I’m surely not swimming for my supper, either. Obstacle course? Sure, as long as I had some help reaching the high parts, or it was a special course for short people.

Basically I believe I am destined to go to my grave un-televised.

How very 1980s of me.

watch?v=c7YZVtLtwGE

Drew Barrymore directs, Chloe Moretz (my FAVORITE GIRL EVER) acts, and Best Coast musicalates. So good. Don’t blame me if you cry.

And…. now I can’t find the other video that I was going to post.

Wow. Cop out indeed.

P.S. Yesterday I met with my advisors (why yes, I am lucky enough to have two entirely separate people telling me what to do), and found out that I’m behind in everything except credit hours. I have enough of those (both under my belt and forthcoming) for two grad students. I don’t know if I should be proud or cry. I’m leaning towards crying.

P.P.S. You can tell you’re having a bad day when you can’t post a video, even though you’ve successfully done it hundreds of times before. I have no idea what my problem is. Ummm… happy friday?

Crockett: I’m not sure I want to see him cut his arm off. Maybe we should watch something else.

Me: Stop being a baby. This is going to be awesome.

… an hour later …

Me: Oh my god was that his NERVE? TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF!!!!

Crockett, in his infinite wisdom, did not respond with ‘stop being a baby’.

Of course, he also didn’t turn it off.

But no, I’m good.

Actually? I do remember crying during a showing of Major League II when I was in 8th grade. We can actually probably assume that this unnecessary crying does in fact carry through my entire life.

I’m telling you this in the spirit of full disclosure, because I’m about to laud Super 8, and when I say it made me cry I don’t want you to wrongly assume that means something special.

So.

Super 8.

Here’s the thing about E.T.-esque movies. Well, here’s a thing about E.T.-esque movies. I was never that into them. Sure, I saw it. Didn’t everyone see E.T.? I really only remember seeing it once, though, and I probably only cried fourteen or fifteen times during that viewing. It was good. It was sweet, sort of, and interesting.

It’s possible that the reason Super 8 appeals to me more is that it isn’t actually a Spielberg film. He just produced – J.J. Abrams did the writing and directing.

I don’t think that’s it, though. I actually think that it’s coming to the genre from an adult perspective.

By that, I mean having crushes on the dads instead of the kids.

The children in this type of movie are admirable. They’re brave – they explore things that are scary (caves, alien spaceships, creepy woods, etc). They’re gutsy – they put their own safety at risk to hide or protect people (or aliens, or … well, it’s usually aliens). They’re learning who they are. They explore their friendships, which are generally strong and awesome.

It’s not that I don’t admire those kids. I just never identified with them. I had friends, but not prevent-a-hostile-takeover-of-the-world friends. I would not have gone into those woods or those caves. I sure as hell wouldn’t have gone into a spaceship of ANY kind. I explored via books, not actual walking around outside exploration. The biggest thing I hid from my parents was that when I cut food to share with my brother I always cut it 60/40 and took the bigger half. If asked to hide something from the authorities I probably would have turned that shit over and lobbied for witness protection.

While I was watching Super 8, I found myself wondering how the main character (a 14 year old boy), would deal with a step-mother.

Are you suggesting that the fact that Kyle Chandler played the dad had something to do with that? How DARE you.

What's that you say? Me, have a type?

The parents in these movies are usually struggling. Life isn’t perfect for them – maybe a spouse died, maybe someone lost a job, maybe a move is imminent. While they’re dealing with those issues, their damn kids are running all over creation finding crashed spaceships and pissing off the military.

They’re still young enough to be pretty.

Everything about the kids in Super 8 is perfect and exactly as you would expect.

Everything about the parents in Super 8 is heartwrenching, surprising, and tearjerking. The peripherals (the parents with 7 kids who are so worried about the boy who lost his mom, for example) are pitch perfect and the kind of people everyone has lived down the street from at one time or another. The two main dads, though – they’re glorious. They struggle with their own problems while they love their respective kids, and they do it in ways that are unpredictable enough to keep you engaged while the kids are doing exactly what you expect.

I could (and might) go back and watch E.T. and Flight of the Navigator, see if those parents have the same underlying story line. Maybe, since I was 14 myself, I missed it.

Maybe, though, Super 8 is just a wonderful stand out in what is otherwise sort of a predictable type of movie.

I mean, it’s no Major League II…

but it’s pretty wonderful.

You should probably go see it now.

But Kyle Chandler’s character is all mine.

First – what is ‘bitch slap’ from? Does it mean to slap someone who is a bitch, or slap someone like you’re a bitch?

Questions-Emma-has period is over. People whining about Netflix period has begun.

Some background: last week, Netflix sent an email to all of their customers informing them of a price change. If you don’t currently have Netflix, you’ll have to sign up at the new price if you so desire. If you do have Netflix, the changes don’t kick in until September.

The changes can be summed up with one simple difference. Streaming and DVDs by mail are now two different products. Instead of buying a single plan that includes both streaming and movies by mail, you have to subscribe to the two separately, and if you do decide to keep both, you will have to pay more. The cost difference is anywhere from $3 to $6 a month, depending on how many movies by mail you want. For example, I currently can have 3 physical DVDs and get unlimited streaming to my phone, computer, and iPad – for $19.99. In September, I will pay $23.98.

Now that we’ve covered how TERRIBLE AND HORRIFIC SUCH A THING IS, let’s see how people are reacting online, shall we?

Taryn Fiol, in a post on Unplggd, writes that she (he?) probably only watches $7 worth of movies a month. There’s not a lot of information on how Taryn came to that conclusion – how do you price streaming movies? Do you assume that you rented them at the Redbox and just estimate a dollar for each one? What if you don’t finish the movie? Was it worth less? The $9.99 price was worth it for $7 worth of flicks (apparently), but neither the DVDs or the streaming is worth $8 a month on it’s own.

Fine. Nice cost/benefit assessment, person with the genderly unclear name. You get a gold star for reasonableness.

The comments on the article were a little less deserving:

• I agree it feels like a big screw you to their customers to up it as much as they are. … come on, they don’t have the biggest overhead and for customers who’ve been with them form [sic] the beginning, it really is a jerk move on their parts. Top that off with not being able to see newly released to dvd movies for a month or so after their release because of netflix’s dumb rules. Sheesh. - Yes, it is in Netflix’s best interest to say screw you to their customers. Good for you for catching that, internet commenter.
• I’m actually more than a little irritated–and the plan’s going up $6 not $5. But it’s not the money, it’s the idea that Netflix has such flagrant disregard for customers who’ve been loyal for a very long time–long before streaming was a possibility on the site. Occasional price hikes, OK. A deliberate attempt to rifle us, not OK. What? Those with stakes in Netflix aren’t going to be billionaires anymore? Mere millionaires? … And the only thing I watch streaming is SVU, and that’s gone the way of the dodo, too. – What is ‘rifling’ someone? Is that something they explained on SVU?

I’m not claiming that any of these people are crazy, but they do seem to be taking this whole thing awfully personally.

These people are getting closer to crazy:

See? More firmly on the unreasonable train, but not nuts.

But all of the people who expressed a sentiment like this?

Fucking nutballs. Jesus H Christ. First of all – SHE WAS FOUND INNOCENT. Ahem. Second of all – what? I just spent a few minutes trying to think of a similar hyperbolic comparison and literally couldn’t come up with one. Like comparing a rise in the cost of flea collars to Michael Vick and his doggie shenanigans? Nah.

Anyway, there are two different threads of whining here.

1) Was Netflix justified in raising the price?

Well, yeah. I mean, in that they’re a company that provides a service, they’re justified in charging whatever they want for that service. More specifically though, are they charging a reasonable amount of money for the service they provide?

Remember when I used to work in telecommunications?

What kills me about telecom right now is this idea that it should be free. (There’s a whole net neutrality thing in here too, but let us stay away from that clusterfuck.) Someone pays for the shit that makes the internet run. Netflix does in fact pay money for the videos that their end users stream. They pay to store that data. They pay to get that data to places where someone like Comcast can pick it up to send it to your house. Hell, every time that data moves, Netflix pays someone. At least once, and sometimes more.

They ALSO pay for the DVDs that they mail (and they pay the cost of mailing them). They pay people to deal with those DVDs. They pay for the database systems that organize the hundreds of thousands of conflicting queues that are out there.

I’m not claiming that the average user costs Netflix anything near $15 a month.

If the average user DID, we wouldn’t have Netflix, now would we?

Netflix isn’t cheating you. Netflix has, in my BOE analysis (which I won’t share with you because I’m pretty sure that some of what I used was confidential pricing information) , been underpriced since they added unlimited streaming for a bump of $2 – 3/month.

Netflix is trying to make some damn money. Sue ‘em.

P.S. I heard a rumor that they just finished negotiations with Starz and some other company that required the number of streaming users to be contractually limited. As in, if they had more streaming subscribers than some upper limit, they’d have to pay more to stream Starz movies whether or not anyone was actually watching those movies. That’s a pretty good reason to give people who aren’t using streaming to opt out for a price cut, don’t you think?

2) But Emmmmmaaaaaaa, there’s nothing to watch!

Fine. If there’s nothing to watch and they’re literally not using it, they should have cancelled at $10.

If what they mean is that they want to be able to watch things that just left the theater or just aired last night and they want them right now this very second and they just absolutelycannotwaitforaDVDinthemail…

Then I want to know how much they pay for their cable television. If it’s less than twice what they pay for Netflix, I will literally eat my words. At the risk of sounding like a grandma (get off my lawn you damn kids), there’s never anything on cable.

(Did anyone else see that episode of Scooby Doo where Shaggy had to eat his words and so they carved them onto a sandwich that was like 30 feet long and then Scooby ate them for him? I would like a cheesecake with ‘quit whining about Netflix’ written on the top in raspberry sauce please.)

These people need to either decide that it’s no longer worth it for them or realize that it’s still a pretty slick service and cut out one Starbucks visit a month.

Whichever one they choose, they need to shut the hell up about it.

It’s making us (Netflix users, internet users, Americans, whoever) sound like brats.

I sort of think the whole thing should be Camp Crystal Lake style – boating and fun sexy times and lots of drinks and then BOOM.

People start disappearing.

First a few counselors, obviously, and then – reverse hide and seek style – we start picking up people who go outside to investigate.

Of course, instead of killing them we take them to a party, where there are more drinks and maybe pin the tail on the donkey… some strip poker….

This is the best idea I’ve ever had.

WAY better than last week, when someone wanted to make their game of flip cup more interesting so I said ‘play strip flip cup!’ and then everyone looked at me aghast and I remembered that I was at a family birthday party and they were all cousins.

That was not the best idea I ever had.