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Archive for the ‘I make lists’ Category

If Dean Winchester Were Your Boyfriend

Monday, July 31st, 2017

Pouring one out for The Toast.

  1. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, his shirts would be your shirts, whether he liked it or not. “Babe, we haven’t hit a laundromat in weeks”, he’d say as you wrapped yourself up in one of his flannels. “You smell great,” you’d tell him and mean it.
  2. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, most of your meals would be eaten on the road. For your health, your brother-in-dating Sam would constantly watch what you ate. If you ordered a burger and milkshake, he’d detour to the kitchen and make sure the shake ended up with a few handfuls of spinach in it. When you found out, he’d ask how you thought Dean made it to 40 while never willingly ingesting a vegetable.
  3. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, you’d teach him the names of older musicians he’d never heard of so he could use them as fake names when he ran out of 80s musicians. He’d pretend to just take the information as handy, but later you’d catch him listening to Dead Man’s Curve on youtube.
  4. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, he would tell you that you never had to worry about being attacked by demons or witches. Every time you bought a new purse, though, you’d find almost immediately that a knife had been sewn into the lining and an anti-hex hex bag had been tied to the handle.
  5. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, you’d get the kind of attention in bars that you’d previously thought was a myth. The two of you would walk into anywhere and every server in the room would see him and be available all night for your every need. He’d tell you he thought you were teasing him when you told him most of the world didn’t get that kind of treatment, but then he’d wink at you and do a shimmy to whatever song was playing on the jukebox.
  6. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, the first time you got a panic attack because you met an angel he’d bring you a beer and a quarter of Xanax and tell you to play checkers with Cass. “You can’t be scared of angels once you see they have no sense of humor,” he’d tell you, and then he’d punch you in the shoulder and mouth ‘be yourself’ to Cass behind your back.
  7. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, he’d use his hunter network to set up an elaborate birthday surprise for you. Every place you stopped on a road trip would have a booth reserved and a different colored balloon tied to your seat. You’d suspect it was partially Sam’s idea, but that wouldn’t matter because Dean would grin every time he saw your huge smile.
  8. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, his mom would try to make you tough and Dean would get mad at her every time. “She doesn’t need to know what it feels like to slice her palm for a blood sigil, Mary,” he’d say. “I’ll always be around.”
  9. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, he’d learn what ‘woke’ and ‘kyriarchy’ mean and you’d sometimes hear him explaining them to other people. Afterwards he’d tell you dejectedly that he wasn’t sure he’d overcome his buddy’s idea that women make less money because they don’t know how to ask, and you’d kiss his neck and take him out for a piece of pie.
  10. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, the world probably would have ended by now. If it did, though, he would have been thinking about you while he did something insane to try to save it.

 

let’s drink and watch

Sunday, November 27th, 2016

American Ultra!

(When did the movies on Hulu get better than the movies on Netflix?)

We open with Jesse Eisenberg (Mike) and Kristen Stewart (Phoebe) being dirty in love stoners.

  • Mike is going to propose! Except he’s going to do it in Hawaii and he bought the ticket but they can’t go because he has panic attacks about flying and that’s apparently something they both knew! And yet they thought he could mind-over-matter it, I guess!
  • Then he thought maybe he’d propose at home, but he almost set the kitchen on fire! This movie is not going super for Mikey so far. Although he does have a fun gorilla astronaut comic book.
  • WAIT HE’S BEING TARGETED FROM SPACE. By the CIA. While he smokes up in a convenience store parking lot.
  • Hi Connie Britton. I’ve missed your lovely face and also hair and also energy.
  • Phoebe is really really sweet to Mike. She loves him a lot. And they have eyeballs tattooed on their feet, for some reason. I don’t know if this is going to work out for these two crazy kids, Connie Britton got a weird high security phonecall about ‘operation toughguy’ and now she’s stalking the halls of the CIA looking like bad things are happening. Oh, wait! Now she’s yelling at Eric Foreman! (It’s fun when I use actor names, character names, and names of other roles actor’s have had with no logic at all, right?)
  • Oh! They’re going to kill Mikey because he was going to go to Hawaii and he’s an asset of some failed project and he’s not supposed to leave town, apparently.

This is better than I anticipated. I never knew I wanted to see Eric Foreman call Connie Britton a snipey, overbearing bitch and see her ‘as if you even matter’ face.

  • John Leguizamo! And illegal fireworks? How have I never heard of this movie?? Have you guys heard of this movie?
  • I was going to say what kind of code phrase is Chariot Progressive, but I guess no one would say it accidentally, so perhaps it’s the good kind? Mandelbrot set is in motion, tho – that’s something I could hear in the real world. Good thing I’m no spy waiting to be activated.
  • DIRTY JESSE MIKE WHOEVER as freaking Jason Bourne! His training kicked in but has now deserted him and he’s more together than I expected for someone who just killed someone with a ramen spoon. (Although he is trying to hide behind a very narrow pole like a cartoon character so maybe not handling so well.)
  • Oh man. Mike is in jail (because he killed someone with a spoon in a parking lot and tried to hide behind a pole and that shit leads to jail) and Eric Foreman is sending The Crane and The Laugher after him.
  • Something is up with Phoebe. For sure. She’s either his keeper or another sleeper or ….dunno. Something.

Ok, I was actually drinking La Croix (which isn’t really in the spirit of drink and watch) but I’ve upgraded to gin and soda. This movie deserves the full d’n’w experience.

  • Catch and return grenade. Baller move, Mike. The Crane (female assassin who threw the grenade) is handcuffed to a chair by her ankle. Ankle cuffed? Ankle handcuffed. The chair is like a cafeteria chair and she’s just carrying it around with her so … not the most successful restraint attempt I’ve ever seen.
  • Ooooo his panic attack thing is about leaving town at all, not flying. (I don’t know where they are also. The PNW maybe? There’s a lot of flannel.)(Oh hey the internet knew, it’s Limon West Virginia.)
  • Connie Britton is calling on the only person who will help her … drumrollllll … Buster Bluth! Literally no one in this movie isn’t famous.
  • MIKE THINKS HE’S A ROBOT. This is wonderful.
  • John Leguizamo thinks Mike has a monkey virus. From 28 Days Later, maybe? I don’t know, I clicked over to a Cyber Monday sale page and may have missed something.
  • Oh, ok. The CIA is spreading disinformation that Mike and Connie Britton have a monkey virus that’s super contagious and everyone should call when they see them. Sneaky mofos, the CIA.
  • Crane and The Laugher were mental patients that Eric Foreman retrained as assassins. Rude or excellent distributions of resources? Connie Britton thinks the former. #imwithher (sniff)
  • Oh man, there goes John Leguizamo. Probably shouldn’t have been harboring Mike, monkey virus or no monkey virus. Sorry, buddy.
  • Riofloxin? I just googled riofloxin gas and then immediately regretted it (Trump’s America, guys), but it’s a made up gas just for this movie. Is that a normal thing?
  • Mike just remembered Phoebe interviewing him, therapist style! I love it when I’m right as shit, man.
  • “I’m your handler. I was assigned to you five years ago. But of course I’m your girlfriend.” I wouldn’t buy it either, Mikey.
  • Nothing like a little attempted vehicular manslaughter to really bring a fighting couple together.
  • Wait, if she was his handler, why did she let him schedule the trip to Hawaii in the first place? Didn’t she know that would trigger the kill order? Well, The Laugher is abducting her while Mike is stuck in the crushed car so serves her right, I guess.
  • Connie Britton saved Mike and asked if he knew who she was. “Are you my mother?” Bahahaha.
  • “If I die, I’m going to do it stoned and happy in my bed.” Mike’s not handing this well, but Connie Britton patrolling his house with an automatic weapon while he smokes up is an excellent visual.
  • Aiming a bullet ricochet off a flying frying pan? No.
  • Buster Bluth coming through in the clinch? YES.
  • BILL PULLMAN. Looking so very presidental but I’m guessing he’s a last ditch assassin? Or maybe Buster Bluth called him and he’s going to kick Eric Foreman’s ass? He’s striding purposefully towards an airplane in a suit, which I always enjoy.
  • Apparently Eric Foreman had a whole truck full of assassins. Like, a big truck. And while he was telling them to ALL get Mike and to be careful because Mike is silent on little cat feet, Mike comes out of nowhere shooting fireworks! Of course! Chekov’s fireworks!
  • Shootout in the warehouse store, and Mike is just walking through gunsmoke killing people with a sledgehammer to the temple. Whatever training program Connie Britton put him through, it’s clearly much superior to Eric Foreman’s stable of psychos.
  • This just got very violent. Like, it was violent before but …
  • Connie!! Saving Phoebe with a timely strangulation!
  • Huh. So everyone bad is dead, Bill Pullman appeared and shut down Eric Foreman, and Mike is proposing to Phoebe in front of all of the cops with guns in the parking lot of the shootout. It’s weird but kind of adorable.
  • And then they got tased.

And now he’s a spy and it’s his gorilla astronaut cartoon.

So, I checked and the reason I never heard of this movie is because it didn’t do very well, but guys? Even though I just spoiled the shit out of it?

You should watch it. It’s fun.

who has more than everything

Friday, November 25th, 2016

Let’s jump right in. Last time on inside Goop, we (me, I) provided useless commentary on many of GPal’s suggestions … here’s the rest! (Should we talk about how inside Goop has been dead since nablopomo ’10? no? good, cause I’m Frankensteining that shit.)(Also, why did I commit to such a long post on a day no one is anywhere near the internet? For the archive readers, I guess? Because I’m an idiot? Who can say for sure.)

Gift Guide For Lovers:

 The Host Gift Guide

  • I don’t necessarily object to a mixed oils kit. I love a good self care system as much as the next girl. What I’m not crazy about is the caption: For the inevitable, holidays-induced anxiety attack. Say what now? Is it just me, or does shit like that reinforce stress for people who have it and create a weird expectation for people who otherwise wouldn’t have it? NO, it’s not just me. Knock it off, guys. Let stress appear organically, ok?
  • Is this a city thing? A leather strapped merino sweater to keep your double wine cool on the subway? Because out here in the wild west, we put our wine on the floor of our car when we drive to parties, just like everyone else.
  • Four ceramic ice cream cones for $100? I’m so damn torn. Hand one: ridiculous. Hand two: if someone would just buy me the $400 ice cream maker I’ve been eyeballing since PASTRY SCHOOL (honestly I would not make very much ice cream, it’s the right call that no one has purchased this for me) then this would be the perfect way to serve said ice cream.

 The Personalized Gift Guide (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but nothing had the name Emma on it when I was a kid. People frequently thought my name was short for Emily. Therefore, this is kind of my sweet spot.)

  • Custom dyed bedding is NOT my sweet spot. I can only imagine if someone bought this for me and Crockett, and literally offered the entire Pantone color wheel to choose from. We’d never get sheets. Ever. These $500 sheets are for the decisive. And possibly the single.
  • As a person who wore a signet-ish ring as an engagement ring for a year recently, I recommend against. They’re lovely but man alive are they not as comfy as normal rings. Thumbs down. Also, psa: I’m 99% sure you cannot wear a signet ON your thumb.
  • These shoes claim you can put a custom image on them, but based on the pictures, they’re actually the shoe version of a high school ring. In that as long as your custom image is selectable from a clip art list, you’re good to go. If they’re actually custom, why are we only seeing a smily face, stethoscope, and kiss lips? And if they ARE from clip art, how do they take FOUR MONTHS? These shoes are confusing.

The Thinker Gift Guide (this is insulting to anyone who wants to shop from the other guides, right? “Smarty guide and the rest of you”?)

  •  Writing utensils! Smart people put words down into a way other people can read them, it’s a truthy truth from GPal’s fingers to your eyeballs. (She 100% did not write that, also. What I said OR whatever the goop site says about the pencils.) Also, it’s an $85 brass ball point pen and the like, if you’re getting link fatigue. I am.
  • Very heavy paper weights for your very heavy thoughts that you put in paper form!
  • A drawing kit made of nothing but black, like … your soul? Your feelings? Are colored pencils only for the simple, GPal? Smart people can get their point across without all that nuance?
  • A pot box. That’s fun.

The one we’ve allllll been waiting for …. The Ridiculous but Awesome Gift Guide

  • Dennis Hopper’s record collection. DENNIS HOPPER’S RECORD COLLECTION. It’s $150,000, it’s 110 records, you don’t get to know what most of them are, they’re all ‘as is’, and Dennis Hopper was the bad guy in Speed. No part of this makes sense. (Plus, there’s only one and it’s still available. I’m would have thought some overly committed overly moneyed GPal enthusiast would have snapped it up by now?)
  • Our [$2995 leather wrapped] Bicycle is great for cycling enthusiasts, either as fashionable transportation or as a sculptural decor element.” Crockett says: the snozzberries taste like snozzberries! Also, there’s no further info about the bike. Like, what’s the frame under the leather? Steel? Aluminum? And old bike this company stole from outside their neighborhood coffee shop?
  • Yeah, we’re into this weird briefcase lap desk thing. Probably because one of the pictures looks like it could have been taken at Sparrows Lodge, the place we minimooned. I bet if GPal knew about it she’d write about it and we’d have to pay a million dollars to go back, so no one tell her.

There you go. I hope Gwennie and I just made your Christmas easier.

who has everything

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2016

Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow thinks that anything under $100 is a stocking stuffer?

See, she’s published her Goop Gift Guides.

God I love her.

Like, a tiny notebook for $8 that’s meant for only good things? That is damn adorable. Actually, basically EVERYTHING in the Stocking Stuffer guide is something I’m kind of into.

Here we go. Top three from each category, for any reason. (Unless I get tired and decide to add the rest to tomorrow because this is nablopomo. No need to overburn my candles.)

Stocking Stuffers:

  • Who the fuck knows what a toothbrush stand even is?? It looks like your toothbrush inherited Peter Pan’s shadow, sort of. Plus, why is it dark grey? You know what isn’t dark grey? Any and all toothpaste. (Except for those people who brush with actual charcoal … wait. Obviously GPal brushes her teeth with charcoal. Mystery = solved.)
  • Koi you … draw with? Why do I not understand anything on this list?
  • THIS IS AMAZING. It’s a flask that … changes? Is my use of ellipses going to just get more aggressive as we move into the wackier parts of this list? (Although “something called hydroforming” is sort of insulting, GPal. Hydroforming literally means formed by liquid and also now that I remember the long forgotten part of me that got a bachelors in metallurgical engineering I’m like 99% sure she means each flask is different, not that your flask changes. That’s not how metal works. Thanks, CSM metallurgy department!)

The Cook Gift Guide

Under 18 Gift Guide

  • I have questions for this child’s father. If you make your kid wear a shirt proclaiming your status as a feminist, your wokeness is in question.
  • Do you buy this expensive Salinger box set if you already suspect a kid is going to assassinate someone, or if you’re hoping to nudge them in that direction?
  • I don’t understand this $1500 Flinstone’s contraption, but that might be me being an old? Plus, does anyone else want them to have called a plank with a wheel in the middle something more original than OneWheel? WE CAN COUNT.

Health Nut Gift Guide (<- ‘nut’ is insensitive, GPAL)

  • I mean, would I take a $700 juicer that promises no cleanup because you also order the juice packs from them and they just squeeze everything out? Of COURSE I would. But then I’d find out my beloved Spicy Greens packs (Spicy Greens would be my fav in this theoretical world where this happens) are $7 a pack, and I’d realize it’s cheaper to buy juice from the store. So not only would the juicer not be paying for itself, it would actually be increasing my juice debt every time I used it. Juice debt. Something I would never have considered if not for GPal.
  • OH, this tiny bag of crystals. My inner goth teenager wants it super bad, but also it’s nine rocks for $85. You can get a rock polisher for $65! With rocks! CALM DOWN INNER GOTH TEENAGER.

There are ten categories. TEN. I’m doing one more and then calling it a night.

The Traveler Gift Guide:

  • Full disclosure. I own two James Perse dresses and find them worth the $100+ dollars for a jersey dress, that that’s something I didn’t see coming until I actually tried one on. That being said: a James Perse $995 blanket. Do I want it? YES. Would I EVER take it on an airplane where other people could touch it and germs could get on it and it would get worn out and eyeballs themselves would wear it out? Are you fucking kidding me, it’s a thousand dollars. It would live in a closet where I would read books and no one but me and my books and occasionally white (NEVER red) wine would be allowed. And La Croix, I guess, but still. This is not a reasonable gift.
  • This says ‘hello handsome’ in it. It is not only reasonable but fantastic. Let’s ALL buy this dop kit for our favorite boys.
  • No. Bad. Everlane, guys. I have the Everlane Weekender and to be fair mine is a stripey mustard one that was the best and apparently you can’t buy it anymore? But still don’t give GPal $400 for this bag. Don’t. So many bags in the world.

Next time on ‘inside Goop’ (Friday, I think), gift guides for lovers, hostesses, people who like things that are personalized (true), thinkers, and ‘the ridiculous but awesome’ guide. That one has a yurt. A YURT.

 

 

fish burps

Saturday, November 12th, 2016

I feel like someone told me once that dogs can’t burp. Is that right? Did they actually say cows and I heard dogs because if you squint cows are basically big dogs that we’re ok with eating for some reason? My dogs burp, anyway, so if they’re not supposed to be able to then maybe somebody wants to study them – hit me up in the comments and we’ll work out a price in dog cookies and beers.

I also burp kind of a lot. I don’t know if it’s more than a normal person or if normal people are just better about not doing it out loud, and it’s a hard thing to bring up in conversation. “Excuse me, ma’am, I see you’re drinking a beer. Are you silently burping when you look down towards your lap, or are you immune to delicious bubbles in your digestive system?”

I don’t cover my mouth anymore when I burp around Crockett. I used to, because it seemed sort of rude, but it’s a pain and also I think perhaps my desire to do so was informed by the differing societal expectations of men and women and my patience for that shit is rapidly converging with DOES NOT EXIST.

The thing is, Crockett doesn’t burp around me, and there are three possible reasons:

  • he’s not a natural (the ‘like I am’ was meant to be implied but it didn’t come across so I’m pointing it out you’re welcome)
  • he suppresses/subtles his burps around me to be polite in a way that has nothing to do with me being a lady, and would do it around anyone
  • etc except in a way that *does* have to do with me being a lady, and he does not and would not do such around his friends
  • or fourth he suppresses because he’s worried I won’t love him anymore I guess? but based on my burp frequency that would make him a loon so we’re discounting this one out of hand

In the name of science, I’m going to feed him a couple of Coors Light’s (high carbonation according to these experts) and sit on his lap while we watch a movie or something. Don’t worry, I’ll pay him with more beers (and dog cookies, if he wants them).