Image 01

emmanation

You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for the ‘I make lists’ Category

you used to be cool

Sunday, August 28th, 2011

Do you remember when Post Secret was cool?

I used to like it. I have memories of a time when I would remember to check it every Sunday morning, looking forward to the secrets. I bought the book for a friend of mine when he started a new job. I never considered sending in a secret, but when I used to do my sunday best posts (what happened to those, anyone know?) I would frequently use a card from PS.

Now, when I do remember to check, I mostly feel like smacking someone.

I can only think of two reasons that my love for the site might have changed.

Possible reason 1: I am now a terrible person who doesn’t care about the pain (or joy) of others.

Possible reason 2: There are only so many secrets. Frank, the Post Secret collector/editor fellow, must have literally seen every variation on the same six themes.

  • Love.
    Variation 1: I love someone SO MUCH.
    Variation: I/my love cheated. I feel guilty/angry/exhilarated.
    Variation 3: I never told someone I was in love with him or her and now he or she is married/dead.
  • Depression.
    Variation 1: I am depressed and don’t know what to do and might kill myself. (I hate these most of all. It’s SO FREAKING SAD and there’s NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP. Also, do all suicidal people write to PS eventually? There are a lot of these.)
    Variation 2: I was depressed and am all better now. (Awesome, but sort of a smack in the face to variation 1, no?)
  • Happiness.
    Variation 1: I am so happy.
    Variation 2: I used to be happy, and then I got depressed or the person I loved left or died or cheated.
  • Sex.
    1: I like it.
    2: I don’t like it and don’t understand people who do like it.
    3: I totally COULD like it except my partner(s) suck(s).
    4: I do it in some fascinating way I simply must share with Frank. (I think most of these are fabrications.)
    5: I do something that everyone else does too but I am unaware of that and simply must share my completely vanilla sex with Frank.
  • Religion.
    1: God is awesome.
    2: God used to be awesome but now isn’t, which is/isn’t my fault.

Done.

I guess I’m just bored. I am interested in the stories of people I don’t know. (Witness all the blogs in my RSS feed.) Postcards are so small, though, and there’s so little room for explanation, that I think it’s hard not to be cliche.

Hm. I’m adding a third choice to the list of possible reasons why I now sort of loathe the site.

1) I’m a horrible person. 2) Secrets are, by the very nature of humanity, repetitive. 3) Frank loves a cliche.

Maybe I should write him a postcard about my dilemma.

not good enough

Wednesday, August 17th, 2011

Do you ever wonder if you’d be a good contestant on a reality television show?

What am I saying – of course you do.

It’s 2011, people.

We all think about reality tv, all the time.

Right?

No?

Anyway, I would be quite lame as a contestant on any show that involved a skill of any kind.

  • So You Think You Can Dance? – No, I can’t dance. Not even in my head. I have one move, and it’s best performed when sitting down, and when Crockett and I were driving across country he referred to it as the Emma-dance, and now I’m not going to do it anymore.
  • Project Runway – There’s a contestant this season who taught herself to sew 4 months ago, and she’s awesome. Crockett’s mom showed me how to sew a year ago and I’ve made a few purses with varying level of success, and hemmed some stuff. I’m pretty sure Heidi wouldn’t approve.

I could continue, but it would be a variation of those two things. I can’t actually do anything better than anyone else… except make smoothies.

Is there a smoothie making reality show?

Being talentless doesn’t exclude me from the second category of reality shows, of course. You know, the kind where they follow you around and watch what you do.

That, obviously, is because I don’t do anything. Ever, really.

  • This fall on Fox: 30 Year Old Grad Students and the Laptops that Love Them.

Finally, it goes without saying that I would get my ass kicked in any competition based show. I’m not eating anything disgusting, thank you very much. I’m surely not swimming for my supper, either. Obstacle course? Sure, as long as I had some help reaching the high parts, or it was a special course for short people.

Basically I believe I am destined to go to my grave un-televised.

How very 1980s of me.

 

things for this week

Monday, July 25th, 2011

Spilled Milk podcast

About them: Here at Spilled Milk headquarters, we combine food and comedy in a bowl and stir it up until it explodes. Join your jovial (possibly too jovial) hosts, Molly and Matthew, for recipes, cooking tips, winning lotto numbers, and catfights. Spilled Milk has not been evaluated by theFDA and is not intended to treat any disease, but just between you and me, it probably cures chlamydia.

Chlamydia, people. This is comedy gold.

 

Lubec, Maine

As you can see from the sign, Lubec is as far east as you can get in the United States. Of course, Canada is just across the Quoddy Narrows.

I’m pretty sure this is the kind of place that rejects you if you aren’t 17th generation or if you accidentally say ‘Quoddy’ wrong.

I kind of want to move there and make friends with some old men and eat a lot of lobster rolls.

 

Hunting Arrows

Who knew that arrows following your mouse around a screen could be so purdy?

 

Emma’s unite:

I couldn’t find this image on his website, but according to alphadesigner.com, Emma and Maria are the names to beat. He’s got a bunch of other maps too.

 

world news

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

Something big happened yesterday. Or the day before.

You might’ve heard.

Bin Laden was apparently killed.

Two things:

1) What does it say about me that I feel that it’s necessary to insert ‘apparently’ into the former statement? Does it say that perhaps I read too many political thrillers? Why yes, I think it does. Quite literally, the first thing I thought when I realized the headlines weren’t jokes (why I thought they might be jokes is an entirely different and perhaps more sinister question) is ‘yeah yeah, show us the body and maybe we’ll believe you’. I mean, if true, this is a massive win for Obama. Remember when what’s his face, though… um, Hussein? Saddam Hussein was captured the year before Bush was up for reelection, and everyone suspected that we knew where he was and Bush just postponed it until it would do him good politically?

All I’m saying is we’ve apparently already dumped Osama’s body at sea.

And 2012 is an election year.

And also I really have been reading too much David Baldacci.

2) If it weren’t for news organizations buying advertising on food and humor websites, I would never know any major news.

 

I know where I’ll be Friday morning

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011

Actually, I don’t.

I may watch the ceremony. On ABC, probably, because that seems to be where it’s streaming live.

(If you don’t know what ceremony I’m talking about, where the hell have you been for the last three months? No, really? Did you go to space? Was it nice there?)

I don’t really care about Wills and Kate in any major way. I sort of knew that Prince William had a girlfriend, and I was sort of cranky because that meant that I wasn’t Prince William’s girlfriend (or more accurately, Princess-to-be Emma). I’m not nuts about Harry and his Ron Weasley hair.

I do, however, have a few more chances to become a princess.

Hamdan bin Mohammed Al Maktoum

Pros:

  • He’s almost the same age as me (being that ten-years older queen screams of Katherine, sent away by Henry VIII when he found someone younger).
  • He’s pretty cute.
  • He’s the hereditary prince of Dubai. You know, Dubai? Where they build islands shaped like pineapples just cause they feel like it?

Cons:

  • “Sheikh Hamdan also has a passion for camels, cars and skydiving.”

Prince Azim

Pros:

  • He apparently throws banging parties (his 27th birthday was named Party of the Year in 2009). Diana Ross was there. Meeting Diana Ross would be almost as awesome as marrying a prince. Plus, Scarlett Johansson was there, and in 2009 she was still with Ryan Reynolds, and he was probably there too, and he is one of my many potential soulmates, and I bet he totally would make out with a princess.
  • He is all kinds of charitable.
  • He is heir to a the $22 billion fortune of Brunei.

Cons:

  • It’s rumored that he pays those celebrities to attend his parties.
  • Look at his goatee.

 

Prince Carl Philip


Pros:

  • Just look at him. A prince and a face like that? Dude.
  • I can in fact point to Sweden on a map. Dubai and Brunei? Not so much.

Cons:

  • He has a girlfriend. Or possibly two. Maybe three. One was named Emma.

Prince Andrea Casiraghi

Pros:

  • Again – how do you get to be the heir to a throne AND LOOK LIKE THAT?
  • I bet if you’re dating the prince of Monaco you get some wicked good seats to that car race thing they do.

Cons:

  • He’s apparently sort of a player. That’s a mediocre con at best.
  • He’s 26. That’s not quite Katherine territory, but it’s getting close.
  • He’s not actually exactly a prince. Prince Albert II has to die without having (legitimate) kids, and then Andrea has to chance his name to Grimaldi, and then he’ll be prince.

Princes Albert

There are at least two Prince Alberts. One races cars and one might be gay and also has to die so that Andrea (above) can be prince.

Cons:

  • … in a can.

Prince Wenzeslaus

Pros:

  • He’s 36.
  • The Liechtenstein royals are the richest royal family in Europe.

Cons:

  • He used to date Adriana Lima (the Victoria’s Secret model).  There’s nothing wrong with that, I just don’t really feel like seeing my picture next to hers in every tabloid forever and ever.
  • There are a bunch of pictures of him in stupid tee-shirts.

Prince Philippos

Pros:

  • He goes to Georgetown University – easier to find.
  • Greece is cool.

Cons:

  • Greece technically abolished their monarchy, so the princess thing is sort of nominal.
  • He’s 25. And also looks like he wears a lot of hair product.

 

There you go. Those are my remaining chances for having a royal wedding of my own.

Unless of course Crockett has royal lineage and hasn’t told me.

But if I’m secretly hoping for a surprise royal lineage, I’m going to go ahead and hope that it’s mine, not his.

I want to be my own princess.

Tomorrow – the royal wedding food!

Friday, if I feel like it, perhaps I’ll liveblog the wedding itself!

(Apparently I care about this more than I claimed several paragraphs and princes ago).