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Archive for the ‘I'm a cranky brat’ Category

yuri gararin

Thursday, November 23rd, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving, guys.

I have like 1000 things to be thankful for, and I know it. Literally just the fact that I get to not go to work tomorrow, right? And that I could afford to buy a turkey who was raised responsibly (before he was killed for us to eat). And that all three of my doggos, my parents, and Crockett are going to be around me all day.

Also, I’m making my stuffing into WAFFLES. HOW CAN I NOT BE THANKFUL.

I mean, yes my feet hurt from cooking all afternoon. Yes, Hulu is forcing a really long wait between episodes of You’re the Worst. Yes, Thanksgiving is “a holiday-length ode to white supremacy and an undeserved celebration of a band of uptight zealot weirdos who should have been allowed to freeze to death.

But still. I’m a lucky bitch and I know it. I hope you are too, whatever that means to you. LOVE.

New American Cool Girl Finale

Tuesday, November 21st, 2017

I, more often than not, start things with no idea how I’m going to finish them.

Bravery and stupidity definitely look the same from 10000 feet.

Case in point: the beginning was parts 1 and 2. The ending is this.

New America Cool Girl: Finale

If you didn’t read those first two parts, the gist is that women pretend to be different than they are in order to catch men, because quite a bit of a normal woman’s life has been defined as gross or crazy or a thing women should keep to themselves and not bother the menfolk with.

GROUNDBREAKING. This is not the New York Times, guys, so just blllllllppppprrrrr (<- raspberry noise).

My pool of men who talk to me about how they date is a lot smaller than my pool of girlfriends. I’ve never been a woman who makes a lot of dude friends (see classic not-like-most-girls NACG move: ‘most of my friends are guys’-hair toss-cute giggle except the opposite, boys have cooties and don’t belong in my life). However, I can’t imagine that the reaction to the NACG moves is easy on the dudes involved, right? Because #spoiler, dudes are also people, cooties notwithstanding. They might like her/love her/want to see her, and not feel like they can tell her because that’s not an action that society supports for them either. They might feel like a woman who expresses a desire to be together needs to be shut down because the men around them will mock them. I don’t really know, honestly, but it seems like a possibility, right?

Some male blogger, jump in with the 21st Century American Cool Guy?

This is where I get myself into trouble. I have no solutions except to suggest every individual be more honest when they interact with someone they wanna smoosh their parts against. God knows most of us can’t do that. We lie to ourselves so much we could do it for a living, there’s no way we can become more honest with other people.

Alternately, we could put the four self actualized people who were raised in totally gender free environments in charge of all media. Well, two of them in charge of media, two of them on call at all times to answer a help line for us all to call?

Bad ending, I’m sorry. I am. I wish the answer to why shouldn’t I be a NACG and how can I stop was: because it’s not you and just do, but it’s not. The whole thing is exhausting, right? I’m going to take a 8-12 hours nap and maybe tomorrow I’ll have something? Or maybe I’ll write a review of You’re the Worst. Maybe I’ll review GPaltrow’s Goop gift recommendations like last year. We’ll find out together. (When I walked into yoga this afternoon my teacher asked how I was, then I asked how she was, and she said “in the flow of the day”. Tomorrow we’ll be in the flow of the blog. Namaste, guys.)

New American Cool Girl (part 2)

Saturday, November 18th, 2017

Part 1.

Part 2: The things a NACG does (again, even though she knows better). (Btw: I’m going to belatedly acknowledge that this is totally heterosexually based. I’m not familiar enough with the ins and outs of queer dating to speak to where this may or not apply there.)

There’s at least a few categories here, so bear with me.

Pretending to want less
We all know what this looks like. The NACGs truth might be: I like him, I love him, I want to call him, I want to text him, I want to see him more than once every two weeks, I want to be monogamous, I want I want I want. She tells him: ‘oh hey, sorry, I was busy’ (turned off read notifications and waited four hours to answer), ‘oh, hey, yeah, Sat should be ok’ (she kept it free for him), ‘hi, can you remind me about that brewery/song/book you told me about’ (and lbh if she likes those things she probably already knew), ‘can’t friday, have plans’ (no plans, just doesn’t want to seem to available), etc. This seems normal and actually kind of expected, right?

Hiding physical femininity
Every woman in a sitcom whose husband opened the door while she was bleaching her mustache. Every woman who goes through a crisis when a hot date and her period coincide. The girls who are mortified when they drop a tampon in a high school hallway, and the menopausal women who carry frozen water bottles through the office to keep the evidence of their hot flashes on the dl. Insert your own story here, we’ve all done it.

‘Not like other girls’
Ugh. You guys.
This is the most egregious and the most insidious.
This is something boys say to girls, and sometimes something men say to women. What they inevitably mean is ‘there is a flag of womanhood that I find irritating/boring/scary and you’re not waving it at me’. Or, more succinctly, ‘you’re like a dude, but I’m attracted to you’. (This phrase is a close cousin to ‘oh my ex was crazy’.)
I’m not going to address the dude part yet. (Part 3?) The problem here is when woman start using this phrase to describe themselves. (I’m a retread, as usual.) But women do say this, and what is usually means is ‘hey baby, I’m a New American Cool Girl – anything about other girls that you haven’t liked ain’t what I’ll do, promise’. It can mean I won’t be like your mom, I won’t be like your ex, I won’t be like your best friend’s bitchy wife. It always, always means that the woman who says it feels the need to separate herself from a half the population to be attractive.

This is different from the women who used to follow The Rules, btw. The NACG will 100% ask a guy on a date and be willing to pay for things. She will, potentially, burp when she and a dude are doing a beer tasting. She might send nudes to a Tinder match. She’s not a lady, is what I’m saying. She’s just…

well, let’s return to my thesis.

She’s unconsciously sublimating her femininity because we’re all taught women are inferior to men.

Part 3: who the hell knows. Seat of my pants nablopomo here, guys.

new american cool girl (part 1)

Friday, November 17th, 2017

Full credit for all of this, of course, goes to Gillian Flynn, yeah? You remember, from Gone Girl (book or movie):

Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding…Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl.

The full monologue covers a lot more, but holy shit did this resonate with my general cohort when we caught wind of it. Because, yes. This expectation is not nearly as much of a joke as it probably sounds like if you’re either dating or friends with daters.

I talk to my friend J- about this a lot. I may, in fact, have angrily accused her of being the New American Cool Girl more than once and over text, she thinks I’m complimenting her.

Here’s the problem. The heroine of Gone Girl is a fucking psychopath, and she thinks that all women are like her. In her monologue, the underlying (and stated) assumption is that Cool Girls are pretending to be what men want. Why? For some … unknown reason. She herself pretended to be the cool girl when she met the guy she’s married to in the books, but she’s very iffy on why. To get him to love her, obviously, but what was the end game? In her case it was a long con that involved faking her own death, but in the case of a normal woman what does buying into the cool girl mythology actually earn us? Is it a sitcom marriage where we’re mad at our husbands for thinking they were marrying the cool girl? Super.

The expectation is so accurate (overstated, but accurate) that the problem of motive has gone largely unaddressed.

Here’s my version, so cleverly titled.

New American Cool Girl

The difference between the Gone Girl Cool Girl and the NACG? NACGs FUCKING KNOW BETTER.

For the NACG it’s not about seeing what a man wants and molding herself to fit that, for some future potential payoff (in the form of a diamond and/or a faked murder?) It’s about the unconscious and unavoidable sublimation of the feminine due to the misogynistic training we all, men and women alike, receive our entire lives.


I see it all the time, and every time I see it I get meaner about it. It’s amazing any of my single girlfriends still talk to me. Especially since if you asked Crockett, I probably did plenty of it myself.

I admit, I’m have perhaps swung further in the opposite direction than most women want or need to go. Example: last night, I was at a beer+yoga event in Denver. With yetis. Life is strange. After the class, there were contests, and a woman won the first (which happened to be headstands). The dude who was on the mat next to her, and got beat by her, walked by J- and I afterwards and said to a friend ‘I can’t believe a female won’. J- literally straightarmed me like we were in a crashing car and said NO, because the woman I am now may or may not lecture that dude on a whooooole variety of things. Starting with how dehumanizing it is to refer to a woman as a female.

But my personal crank levels aside, there are behaviors that smart women who know better still engage in because we just. cannot. help. ourselves. We’re the NACGs and we know better, and yet.

That should, hopefully, be part 2.


the ballad of

Thursday, November 16th, 2017

Dean at the lake at lunch today:

Remember when I got a new iPad, in TWO THOUSAND EIGHT?? Yes, I’m still using it. No, I can no longer get drawings off of it. Thank you for asking. Just for you, here’s the boring old photo my original art was inspired by:

Still counts as nablopomo.