I know I’m like super subtle about it but I’m a feminist.
And continuing in the vein of me sucking, I did something unfeminist tonight. (Ok, thought something unfeminist, but that shit counts).
So I was at the Empire with Crockett. Remember when we used to go there all the time? We still do. Shocker. (Self link count = 3, if anyone is counting. I am, I’m counting. I get cooler every time. Self linking is like a blog selfie.) We were with my mama and one of Crockett’s coworkers and after my mom left we had two empty seats on one side and one empty seat on the other. A woman headed for the single empty seat, but it was during the short period of time when Crockett’s coworker was in the bathroom, so she thought there were two seats.
I feel like I should draw a chart here, but I’m going to power through.
She asked if coworkers seat was free and we said it was not, but then I realized we could move down to my mom’s seat and clear that space for her. She realized then that there were two empty seats on the other side of us (in a better bar location even!) but choose to let us move.
TLDR: she could have sat on one side of us where there were enough seats but she wanted to sit on the other side, so we moved for her.
She did not thank us, much less effusively.
I EXPECTED EFFUSIVE THANKS, apparently.
That didn’t really dawn on me until I was driving home. That’s when I pinpointed why I felt a little snappy towards her for the rest of happy hour. In her place, I would have offered a token ‘are you sure’ and then followed it with a ‘gosh that’s so nice we really appreciate it’ and some very charming (self compliment selfie!) smiles. She didn’t do those things and I apparently expected them? And what’s WORSE is that I would not have expected such a reaction from a dude.
Oh, Emma. Emma Emma Emma.
Let’s lay this out, because I apparently need to hear it (from myself – self reference selfie! Ok I’m done with that now).
Little girls are taught to smooth their way. There are sources but I cannot find them because I’m tired and this is a fact, people. (Yes, ‘not all little girls’. Some people do manage to teach young women about the patriarchy and how to ignore it while forming their personalities, probably. There are definitely, like, ten of those young women. Like, at least. (What the patriarchy is everywhere look at what I’m fucking admitting to right now.).)
Example: Crockett and I are undertaking this project thing, and it’s requiring a lot of phone calls and an not insignificant amount of favor asking. I’ve been doing the writing part of any of the favor asking, and when I was telling someone about the emails I actually described them as obsequious.
OBSEQUIOUS! “Obedient or attentive to an excessive or servile degree.”
So not only am I demonstrably adhering to the baloney that I KNOW IS BALONEY, I also apparently expect it from other women and get mad when they don’t conform.
Look, if this happens to you, please don’t think I’m mad or judging. This shit is hard. You stop paying attention for ten seconds and suddenly you think ‘well gosh my male coworker doesn’t leave to take care of his kids so maybe he does deserve to earn more’. Goddamn slippery slope is all I’m saying.
I’m glad I noticed. I’m glad I identified the problem. In myself.
I kind of want to go apologize to that woman, and tell her I’m glad she accepted a simple transaction with a nod. I also want to ask her if she wore her sequined tank top to work or changed in her car. Just for my own edification.