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Archive for the ‘inside GOOP’ Category

who has more than everything

Friday, November 25th, 2016

Let’s jump right in. Last time on inside Goop, we (me, I) provided useless commentary on many of GPal’s suggestions … here’s the rest! (Should we talk about how inside Goop has been dead since nablopomo ’10? no? good, cause I’m Frankensteining that shit.)(Also, why did I commit to such a long post on a day no one is anywhere near the internet? For the archive readers, I guess? Because I’m an idiot? Who can say for sure.)

Gift Guide For Lovers:

 The Host Gift Guide

  • I don’t necessarily object to a mixed oils kit. I love a good self care system as much as the next girl. What I’m not crazy about is the caption: For the inevitable, holidays-induced anxiety attack. Say what now? Is it just me, or does shit like that reinforce stress for people who have it and create a weird expectation for people who otherwise wouldn’t have it? NO, it’s not just me. Knock it off, guys. Let stress appear organically, ok?
  • Is this a city thing? A leather strapped merino sweater to keep your double wine cool on the subway? Because out here in the wild west, we put our wine on the floor of our car when we drive to parties, just like everyone else.
  • Four ceramic ice cream cones for $100? I’m so damn torn. Hand one: ridiculous. Hand two: if someone would just buy me the $400 ice cream maker I’ve been eyeballing since PASTRY SCHOOL (honestly I would not make very much ice cream, it’s the right call that no one has purchased this for me) then this would be the perfect way to serve said ice cream.

 The Personalized Gift Guide (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but nothing had the name Emma on it when I was a kid. People frequently thought my name was short for Emily. Therefore, this is kind of my sweet spot.)

  • Custom dyed bedding is NOT my sweet spot. I can only imagine if someone bought this for me and Crockett, and literally offered the entire Pantone color wheel to choose from. We’d never get sheets. Ever. These $500 sheets are for the decisive. And possibly the single.
  • As a person who wore a signet-ish ring as an engagement ring for a year recently, I recommend against. They’re lovely but man alive are they not as comfy as normal rings. Thumbs down. Also, psa: I’m 99% sure you cannot wear a signet ON your thumb.
  • These shoes claim you can put a custom image on them, but based on the pictures, they’re actually the shoe version of a high school ring. In that as long as your custom image is selectable from a clip art list, you’re good to go. If they’re actually custom, why are we only seeing a smily face, stethoscope, and kiss lips? And if they ARE from clip art, how do they take FOUR MONTHS? These shoes are confusing.

The Thinker Gift Guide (this is insulting to anyone who wants to shop from the other guides, right? “Smarty guide and the rest of you”?)

  •  Writing utensils! Smart people put words down into a way other people can read them, it’s a truthy truth from GPal’s fingers to your eyeballs. (She 100% did not write that, also. What I said OR whatever the goop site says about the pencils.) Also, it’s an $85 brass ball point pen and the like, if you’re getting link fatigue. I am.
  • Very heavy paper weights for your very heavy thoughts that you put in paper form!
  • A drawing kit made of nothing but black, like … your soul? Your feelings? Are colored pencils only for the simple, GPal? Smart people can get their point across without all that nuance?
  • A pot box. That’s fun.

The one we’ve allllll been waiting for …. The Ridiculous but Awesome Gift Guide

  • Dennis Hopper’s record collection. DENNIS HOPPER’S RECORD COLLECTION. It’s $150,000, it’s 110 records, you don’t get to know what most of them are, they’re all ‘as is’, and Dennis Hopper was the bad guy in Speed. No part of this makes sense. (Plus, there’s only one and it’s still available. I’m would have thought some overly committed overly moneyed GPal enthusiast would have snapped it up by now?)
  • Our [$2995 leather wrapped] Bicycle is great for cycling enthusiasts, either as fashionable transportation or as a sculptural decor element.” Crockett says: the snozzberries taste like snozzberries! Also, there’s no further info about the bike. Like, what’s the frame under the leather? Steel? Aluminum? And old bike this company stole from outside their neighborhood coffee shop?
  • Yeah, we’re into this weird briefcase lap desk thing. Probably because one of the pictures looks like it could have been taken at Sparrows Lodge, the place we minimooned. I bet if GPal knew about it she’d write about it and we’d have to pay a million dollars to go back, so no one tell her.

There you go. I hope Gwennie and I just made your Christmas easier.

who has everything

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2016

Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow thinks that anything under $100 is a stocking stuffer?

See, she’s published her Goop Gift Guides.

God I love her.

Like, a tiny notebook for $8 that’s meant for only good things? That is damn adorable. Actually, basically EVERYTHING in the Stocking Stuffer guide is something I’m kind of into.

Here we go. Top three from each category, for any reason. (Unless I get tired and decide to add the rest to tomorrow because this is nablopomo. No need to overburn my candles.)

Stocking Stuffers:

  • Who the fuck knows what a toothbrush stand even is?? It looks like your toothbrush inherited Peter Pan’s shadow, sort of. Plus, why is it dark grey? You know what isn’t dark grey? Any and all toothpaste. (Except for those people who brush with actual charcoal … wait. Obviously GPal brushes her teeth with charcoal. Mystery = solved.)
  • Koi you … draw with? Why do I not understand anything on this list?
  • THIS IS AMAZING. It’s a flask that … changes? Is my use of ellipses going to just get more aggressive as we move into the wackier parts of this list? (Although “something called hydroforming” is sort of insulting, GPal. Hydroforming literally means formed by liquid and also now that I remember the long forgotten part of me that got a bachelors in metallurgical engineering I’m like 99% sure she means each flask is different, not that your flask changes. That’s not how metal works. Thanks, CSM metallurgy department!)

The Cook Gift Guide

Under 18 Gift Guide

  • I have questions for this child’s father. If you make your kid wear a shirt proclaiming your status as a feminist, your wokeness is in question.
  • Do you buy this expensive Salinger box set if you already suspect a kid is going to assassinate someone, or if you’re hoping to nudge them in that direction?
  • I don’t understand this $1500 Flinstone’s contraption, but that might be me being an old? Plus, does anyone else want them to have called a plank with a wheel in the middle something more original than OneWheel? WE CAN COUNT.

Health Nut Gift Guide (<- ‘nut’ is insensitive, GPAL)

  • I mean, would I take a $700 juicer that promises no cleanup because you also order the juice packs from them and they just squeeze everything out? Of COURSE I would. But then I’d find out my beloved Spicy Greens packs (Spicy Greens would be my fav in this theoretical world where this happens) are $7 a pack, and I’d realize it’s cheaper to buy juice from the store. So not only would the juicer not be paying for itself, it would actually be increasing my juice debt every time I used it. Juice debt. Something I would never have considered if not for GPal.
  • OH, this tiny bag of crystals. My inner goth teenager wants it super bad, but also it’s nine rocks for $85. You can get a rock polisher for $65! With rocks! CALM DOWN INNER GOTH TEENAGER.

There are ten categories. TEN. I’m doing one more and then calling it a night.

The Traveler Gift Guide:

  • Full disclosure. I own two James Perse dresses and find them worth the $100+ dollars for a jersey dress, that that’s something I didn’t see coming until I actually tried one on. That being said: a James Perse $995 blanket. Do I want it? YES. Would I EVER take it on an airplane where other people could touch it and germs could get on it and it would get worn out and eyeballs themselves would wear it out? Are you fucking kidding me, it’s a thousand dollars. It would live in a closet where I would read books and no one but me and my books and occasionally white (NEVER red) wine would be allowed. And La Croix, I guess, but still. This is not a reasonable gift.
  • This says ‘hello handsome’ in it. It is not only reasonable but fantastic. Let’s ALL buy this dop kit for our favorite boys.
  • No. Bad. Everlane, guys. I have the Everlane Weekender and to be fair mine is a stripey mustard one that was the best and apparently you can’t buy it anymore? But still don’t give GPal $400 for this bag. Don’t. So many bags in the world.

Next time on ‘inside Goop’ (Friday, I think), gift guides for lovers, hostesses, people who like things that are personalized (true), thinkers, and ‘the ridiculous but awesome’ guide. That one has a yurt. A YURT.



Inside GOOP

Thursday, November 18th, 2010

Have you noticed all the times that I’m all ‘hey, you guys, I’m starting this new thing!!’ I get all excited and I do whatever it is once, maybe twice, and then it disappears in the morass that is the inside of my covered-with-(REALLY-FREAKING-LONG)-brown-haired-head.

What fell into that category?

At some point, I did it. I subscribed to Gweneth Paltrow’s newsletter, and she’s been mailing me her thoughts every week since. She calls it GOOP because, apparently, those are her initials. If those were my initials I probably would have called it something else, but she’s gorgeous and rich and married to a rock star, so who am I to second guess her?

I’m starting a new thing, inspired by TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes. I know you don’t want to subscribe to Ms. Paltrow’s GOOPiness. I know I’m not going to stop reading it, because I seriously can’t. So – I’ll read it for you. How does that sound?

I have continued to get these emails at a rate of about once a week, and every time one shows up I think ‘what happened to Inside GOOP? That had promise’.

Honestly, guys, it didn’t have that much promise, but it’s Nablopomo and I got jack all else to write about right now, so. Here. We. Go. (I once read that overpunctuation increases excitement. That’s what I was going for there.)

On this fine Wednesday, our Miss Paltrow is helping us celebrate the holidays.

By spending money.

On stuff that’s personalized.

The ALL NEW Be Like Gwen List of Stuff that You Probably Don’t Need but Can Pay to Put Your Name On This Holiday Season:

  1. Cocodot, for all your Christmas card and Christmas party invitation needs. This year, in tartan! If the tartan doesn’t convince you, the enthusiastic quote from David Arquette that graces the front page might. Unless, that is, you don’t care what the jerk who cheated on Courtney Cox thinks about your Christmas cards – your call.
  2. Do you remember the last time that you got a card in the mail? Remember how you stood outside, next to the mailbox, and enjoyed the stamp for awhile? Oh, yeah, not very many people do that. Among folks who didn’t get that memo are Gweneth Paltrow and the US Postal Service. You can upload your own photo, and the USPS will put it on a stamp for you. If you’ve always dreamed of having your zip code stamped onto a image of your child’s face over and over again, now is your chance.
  3. Leather goods for men. Come on, Gwennie, try a little harder. You recommend this: I bought this for Crockett almost a year ago: I feel so superior right now. Also, a $52 leather flyswatter? ARE YOU JOKING?
  4. Buy your child stripey PJs with his or her name on the front. No, really, do. They are goddamn adorable. This is not sarcasm.
  5. Buy your child a $50 hairclip holder! Perfect for the $15 hairclips sold by the same company! (This, here, is sarcasm. I don’t buy $15 clips for my hair, and I’m (slightly) less likely to lose or ruin things than a little tiny person is.)
  6. Are you a parent? Do you have parents of your own? Do your parents think that your children are the most fabulous artists ever? If so, man alive, is today your lucky day. For a mere $1,500, designer Jan Eleni will take 112 of your kids drawings and put them in a really big frame. PERFECT for grandparents. What’s that you say? Why couldn’t you put them in a frame yourself and save $1,450? Well, see… .she shrinks them. Or… something.

Are you wondering if she stopped at 6? I mean, we’ve covered your cards, your boyfriend or husband, your kids, and your parents. What else do we need? How about $250 throw pillow with a photograph of your choosing silkscreened onto it? No? A $475 portrait of two of your fingerprints?

I literally can’t list the rest. I just.. .can’t. But the next time you run across, say, a life sized zebra that makes real zebra noises and is stuffed with pure joy, you know who the target market is. Our Miss P.

inside GOOP

Thursday, May 13th, 2010


At some point, I did it. I subscribed to Gweneth Paltrow’s newsletter, and she’s been mailing me her thoughts every week since. She calls it GOOP because, apparently, those are her initials. If those were my initials I probably would have called it something else, but she’s gorgeous and rich and married to a rock star, so who am I to second guess her?

I’m starting a new thing, inspired by TJ’s Cosmo Cliff’s Notes. I know you don’t want to subscribe to Ms. Paltrow’s GOOPiness. I know I’m not going to stop reading it, because I seriously can’t. So – I’ll read it for you. How does that sound?

This week’s advice comes in the form of DO. See, she switches between DO, MAKE, SET, GET, etc. Spoiler alert – they all include GETTING stuff.

Hair Tips and How-To’s

A couple of my friends have asked me to gather some information on an often vexing issue for men and women alike: hair – health, styles, and otherwise. I have asked our very knowledgeable contributors for their tips and tricks of the trade, which are simple and (very) helpful.


First, we get wisdom from Orlo Pita, hairstylist to the stars blahblah. He shows you how to do this season’s hottest style. It apparently includes two fishtail braids, a $20 can of hairspray, and a $160 hair straightener. If you have those things, then basically this is what you do: fishtail down either side, tie them together in back with string that matches your hair, and smoosh them around so you look like a hippie who did her hair two weeks ago.

Once you’ve mastered that look, you’re ready for some advice from Ricky of Ricky’s NYC. (If you don’t know who that is, then I’m certainly not going to tell you. Mostly because I don’t know either.) Ricky, in his ultimate genius, recommends that you purchase an extra special $200 straightener for your roots, a matching $200 ‘waver’ (to create hair that looks naturally curly), and some extra special bobby pins that do not leave a crease in your hair when you take them out. I’m guessing he doesn’t want you to use them all at the same time, but if hippie hippie fishtails are in, maybe straight/wavy/bobby pinned/creaseless hair is too?

Once you have all the right tools, then you’re ready for the wisdom of Philip Kingsley. The man coined the phrase ‘bad hair day’ and is the chairman of the board of The Institute of Trichologists*, so you know he knows what he’s talking about. Since hair is protein, he suggests eat yourself LOTS of meat, take his protein supplements, and use his scalp and hair masks (each $7 for two tablespoons). I don’t know what his views on vegetarians are, because Ms. Paltrow herself is only meatless on Mondays. (See all of the fascinating things GOOP has already taught me?)

*I did not make this word up.

Finally, once you have all of these tools, tricks, and treats at home? Do something that according to Ms. Paltrow is virtually impossible at home – get stick straight hair. The steps to doing this include: washing your hair, blowdrying it in sections, using a straightening iron, setting up a mirror so you can see the front AND the back at the same time, and sleeping on a satin pillow. There’s no mention regarding the color of the pillow, but to be safe I’m guessing you should probably have it custom dyed to match your hair.

There you go. For this week’s GOOP – buy expensive stuff and play with your hair. It’s what all of the actress/mom/rockstar wives are doing.

She's just trying to help.