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Archive for the ‘it's all about me’ Category

and again: Bachelor, Ep 2

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016

“Ben is the greatest bachelor on the planet.”

When we open with a statement like that, which doesn’t sound anything like hyperbole, how bad can this episode be?

  • I wonder if, what with him being in tech in Denver, I know anyone who knows Ben.
  • Should I get a fabric steamer?
  • Also I probably know someone who knows Lace, because she’s a Denver realtor and realtors are generous with introductions. (Of course I didn’t just call Lace a networking slut, what are you talking about?)
  • Taking a group of women to a high school is a little bit creepy. Right? A little infantilizing? Oh, wait, when he did a comparison he compared them to teachers. And he’s the student. You do you, young master Ben.
  • Indiana on a map? 100% couldn’t do it. I thought that Denver was on the West side of the Rockies until I was about 20, though, so, grain of salt.

Deep breaths. This isn’t the most fun show I’ve ever seen (she says politely).

  • I read online that Ben and Becca might already be dating? That is fucking LOW. If that’s true, then someone else is losing what is otherwise guaraneeeeeeted to be truuuuuuue luuuuuv.
  • How is Ben going to remember who he kissed? Do you think he’s taking notes? He must be taking notes. Or is he allowed to watch, like, clips of his moments with each woman before he spends time with her again? Or is this projection, in that I wouldn’t remember this for shit? Crockett told me a bunch of stuff on our first date (that I now super obviously know, like, his brother working at a pizza place in college) that I didn’t remember at all for ages, and I really liked Crockett a ton! And there was only one of him!
  • THEY’RE ALL SO SWEATY. Plus several of these women have gotten extensions since the first episode, I think. Jubilee especially.

I’m thinking about going to Floyd’s Barbershop to see if they’ll trim my hair. Is that a bad idea? Just a TRIM. They have ladies on their website, I checked.

  • Oh JoJo, I had a good feeling about you, and I know that that good feeling was misplaced because I’m pretty sure you go home tonight. It’s very sad.

There’s something about my brother and The Real World that I don’t super remember. Either he talked about auditioning, or when we lived together me and our roommates tried to talk him into auditioning? (They were holding the auditions in Boulder, we weren’t trying to get him anywhere crazy or anything.) The plan was that he was going to be a dick, I think? I don’t know, we were like 22. That’s how shows like that and this get made. A bunch of 22 year olds with bad ideas.

  • Maybe I was wrong about JoJo? Also, are there local bars that host viewing parties or something with Lace as a guest?
  • Caila (or some name that sounds less like a broken erection drug?) gets two other people on her date? Two comedians? That sounds … fun, but also a medium terrible way to get to know someone? Although you know what’s a great way to get to know someone: cognac and condoms. Assuming, of course, that neither one of you needs a prescription for Caila.
  • Is sitting in a hot tub in a fluorescently lit hot tub store with Kevin Hart actually a great way to relax, Caila? Is it?


Is anyone naming their daughters Esther, currently? Um …. checked and yes. Some. It’s been in the top 30% of names since 2000, who knew. (None of the bachelorettes are named Esther, but I did go to high school with a very dramatic woman of that name?)

  • Ahaha so the sound has been a fraction of a second off from the picture for like ten minutes, and I JUST realized that’s what was happening. Before that I thought they were just sort of trying to make it all look like … a dream sequence?
  • Aww, Caila does seem like she’d be a good wife. In that every person would make a good life partner for someone if a life partner was what they were into. Like, what characteristics are going to make Ben say ‘oh god, she would make a goddamn terrible wife!!!’?
  • Second group date. Guys, I drink a lot, and I don’t usually notice or care what other people drink. But. These women are drinking …. well, constantly. Do you think any of it is a trick? Like grape juice or sparkling cider? Is it meant to rile everything up, maybe?
  • Oh twinsies. Don’t say you’re not smart out loud. I mean, don’t even think it, honestly, but definitely don’t SAY it.
  • Let’s put all the women in 5th Element LeLu outfits, said … someone, apparently.
  • “Your data were spectacular.” It’s a shame Crockett isn’t here, he has very strong feelings about the fact that data is plural.
  • This is fucking psychological warfare. The booze, the proximity, the (I assume) isolation, the constant capture the flag mentality.
  • Ben, do not say you’re surprised by how many amazing women came out for the show. It implies you think it’s below them, and nobody wants to hear that shit.
  • Also, did these women come to the show this fit or do they have a trainer person or something on site? If Hilary gets elected (purdy please) will strong arms go back out of style? (I’m giving Michelle Obama full credit for the recent arm muscle resurgence. Madonna tried to get us on board unsuccessfully for years.)
  • Where is the woman with the horse? Meagan? Did she get sent home last week and I missed it? Cowgirl, nooooo!!!!
  • Olivia is giving Lace a run for the over-reaction money. I knew it, you can tell cause she has the mouth of a cartoon character. “He’s my man at this point.” I think someone needs to revisit the rules.

Emily Blunt has a Simpson’s nose, right?

  • Ben is working a lot harder to justify his presence on the show than any of the ladies are. Despite being in this in a big way, he’s obviously a little bit embarrassed by the whole thing.
  • Awww making barrettes for Sarah’s babies? Cutie. (Should it be the single ‘most thoughful thing anybody’s ever done for’ her? Oh honey. I don’t know who fathered your children but if he never did anything that simple for you and them, good riddance to that dumbass.)
  • The twinsies ARE Jessica and Elizabeth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I’m not going to embarrass myself by googling how many other people have already pointed that out.)
  • Who is Rachel. What.
  • Awww. I thought it was JoJo who left but it was LB. LB, you were the best of us. Bless your heart.
  • Samantha, who I enjoy in a respectful way, has straight up black eyes right now like a Supernatural demon. Is someone murdered in a later episode? Because my suspect is fingered.

Aww. Sadness. Bye ladies. I, again, left my bracket at the office, but I don’t think I knew any of you were going home. Hugs all around.



Tuesday, December 15th, 2015

The thing about not writing for awhile is feeling like when you start up again, the subject either has to be momentous or explanatory.

So, like, I could have gone with getting engaged (whoop whoop!) as my momentous news, and then eased back into the day to day. But instead I dropped it like a … small subtle thing that you drop? and then stopped again. I also could have gone with our engagement as the explanation for the lack of blogging, but we haven’t set a date yet, much less started doing any work that actually takes any time, so that’d be easily disproved bullshit.

So then you don’t write, and then you’re in the habit of not writing, and that’s much easier than being in the habit of writing.

But every so often, when I’m not writing, something happens that makes me feel like doing it. Tonight, that thing was watching Doctor Who while reading the AV Club Doctor Who coverage.

Because, well. Doctor Who because obviously, Jessica Jones (and because the 10th Doctor is THE Doctor fight me and if you have shit to say about Rose fight me twice). The AV Club because their television writing is just fucking brilliant.

So I think to myself, well, I want to watch TV and write about it, but I don’t really! Mostly because that would involve watching NEW things, and for some reason I prefer my television intake to be about 80% rewatching.

For example, The Man in The High Castle is available and super fun, at least in the whole ‘it’s like the real world only worse in tiny interesting ways’ way. Like the Nazi themed kids magazine Crockett pointed out, Ranger Reich.  The AV Club has fun coverage that hits on the interesting points, ties in past things we might have missed, and bring up watchers gossip. It’s helpful if you love the show and fun even if you don’t. Like very liberal Cliff Notes, sort of.

Crockett hopped a couple of episodes ahead of me while I was finishing NaNoWriMo, and I promised him I’d catch up before we went out of town last week.

And then I watched all of Psych and the 9th Doctor’s season instead. (The 9th Doctor is acceptable. Matt Smith has no place in my heart or this blog.)

I seriously couldn’t help myself.

Crockett and I have very few shows that we watch together, so when we find one we stick with it (because sometimes you want to both point your faces at the tv and do nothing else at all). Add that to the fact that I like The Man in the High Castle, and this should have been a smash hit! (I like the hair and costumes, at the very least, and that pulled me through a whole damn season of Smash, speaking of.) I just couldn’t make myself do it, somehow.

I have two theories. The first is that it’s not the simplest show, and it requires actual focus while watching. I use TV more as company, while I’m doing chores, and rewatching means I can leave the room without pausing or whatever. (I’m suddenly struck by the idea that I’ve written about this before? If so, sorry!)

The second is that I hate new things, like a cranky old lady.

Fifty fifty, I think.

So, momentous: I have watched more than 100 hours of television in the last two or three weeks. Explanatory: same same. Kicker: none were The Man in the High Castle.

P.S. Is Hitler the man, does anyone know? I’m obviously not going to watch, so you can just tell me. I won’t tell Crockett, promise.



Thursday, November 19th, 2015

Oh my god you guys. Nablopomo failure, obviously.

But also.

Me an Crockett are getting mmmmaaarrrrried.

And this one spot on my back … like, my lower back … like, my upper butt … ok, my butt itches. Not my BUTT butt but like a part of me where if some stranger was looking I’d be like STOP LOOKING AT MY BUTT butt. Like just under a tramp stamp, that area.

And Maida, my little tiny sweetie pie, has an eye ulcer that’s getting fixed and had two teeth that needed to be removed, including one of those long doggy ones at the back that’s like three regular people teeth.

And also (Dad stop reading) I had a very brief UTI earlier this week but I did what me and Crockett are now calling waterbed belly and fixed it.

And when you’re engaged (to get married to Crockett cause you’re super lucky oh wait that’s me) people are really happy for you and it’s an amazing feeling.

And when your dad has kind of a bummer month (hi again Dad you can start reading if you haven’t already) and you worry about him.

And … you know. When you’re a baby who can’t keep shit together to do a tiny wordpress thing every day.

Whatever. My papa is fine, Maida is fine, my bladder is fine, itching is not the end of the world, and me and Crockett are 2gether 4ever. Nablopomo fail, November win.

box o’ food

Monday, November 2nd, 2015

Crockett and I have been doing those food delivery thingies.

Like, where you pick some recipes and then get a box full of the ingredients necessary to make them.

Those food delivery thingies.

I just finished the third dinner of our sixth week, and I am ready to offer opinions, but this is fucking nablopomo, my darlings. There will be no premature trigger pulling.

Here’s how it works. We’ve subscribed to Green Chef, Blue Apron, and Hello Fresh, and every week I add all of the available recipes from each service to our shared google doc and we decide which one to order from. That gives us ~15 meals to choose from (but only in one of 19 3-meal combinations, because various maths). Should you choose to emulate us in this, be forewarned – you gotta turn this shit off. The default is ON, and you might end up with more meals than you want. We haven’t ended up with double deliveries yet, and we’ve coincidentally ordered from each place twice.

Each of these services delivers enough food for three dinners, two servings each, every Thursday. (In our area, obviously. Your weekday may vary, but all deliveries are on weekdays.)

Each of these dinners is between 500 and 800 calories, which means many of the meals will feed Crockett once and me twice if we portion them correctly.

Not gunna lie, they’re expensive.

  • Green Chef is the priciest, at $80.94/week. The upside to Green Chef is that everything that can be organic is organic. The default plan (at the above price) gets you one seafood based meal, one meat based meal, and one vegetarian meal. You can go all veggie for cheaper or all meat for more. There are no meal selections here – you either take the meals in your plan or you don’t.
  • Hello Chef is $69/wk. Upside: locally sourced, I think. There are always five meals, and you choose three.
  • Blue Apron is $59/wk and the most famous. We’re actually getting our delivery from them this week too, which means they’re pulling ahead. It’s not because they’re better, necessarily, but they offer six meals from which you choose three. However, you can’t choose ANY three meals. There’s definitely some cost saving algorithm at work – if you choose the steak dish, you can no longer have the pork dish. It’s not quite that simple though, I haven’t figured it out.

Tonight I made something I from Blue Apron that I picked without Crockett’s input: Spicy Korean Chicken Wings with Rice Cakes & Baby Bok Choy. The rice cakes were little boiled pasta-y thingies and I super wanted to try them, and they were good. 

I was going to use that example for pricing, but here’s the thing: it had a soy glaze, the weird rice cakes, and Gochujang, a Korean chile paste. Those things were probably not expensive, but I got the correct amount of each one of them they aren’t things I necessarily would have found in a grocery store on my own. (Ok, the chile paste and soy glaze are def at Whole Foods. Still, I would have had to buy a bunch of each. And the rice cakes are a total fucking mystery to me.) I’m guessing it was 8 or 9 dollars worth of actual food, based on my many, many years of grocery shopping. That means tonight I paid a 100% markup, give or take, for having things delivered. That’s rough, but also I like to cook and this is one of the less valuable examples. Two weeks ago we had 10 oz of pretty amazing steak (from … not Blue Apron) and it was probably worth $12 on it’s own. Still, it would very, definitely, completely, without a doubt be cheaper to pick recipes and go shopping.

But it would also be hard for two people to have a weekly menu that didn’t use anything twice. And it would require a lot of shopping.

Anyway, tomorrow: Blue Apron! Meals, thoughts, pictures…. so much to look forward to. A happy nablopomo to us all!


Sunday, November 1st, 2015

Three weeks ago, I made this pumpkin spice latte recipe. I made a whole can o’ pumpkin worth of mix, then put it in the fridge and heated some up with cashew milk and then added it to my coffee every damn morning.

It is fucking. Delicious.

(I used less sugar and made my own pumpkin spice mix but with like 1/3 as much cinnamon because cinnamon is the stupidest spice (with the exception of black pepper, which I like fine, except for how it’s in every recipe like salt – pepper is not like salt, people, pepper is a spice) and who am I to overwhelm my delicious lattes with the second stupidest spice. I am aware that the linked recipe includes black pepper and I basically just pretended that line was a funny inside joke between me and the author.)

Then two weeks ago I did the same thing, except that time I added some cayenne. It was brilliant. (Just a teeny pinchy pinch, guys, this is a morning drink.)

Then ONE week ago I was like whooop well time to make that fun mix I’m going to drink every day until I die and I went to my cabinet for pumpkin and there was none.

Zero pumpkin.

AND I’d just heard about the pumpkin shortage. The linked article has sound because CNN is the cinnamon of the news world, but the important line is, “That means when stores sell out, they’ll likely be out until next year’s harvest.”

Needless to say I went on a pumpkin hunt. I came back with nine 15 oz cans, two 28 oz cans, and two 15 oz boxes (thanks for being nonconformist Whole Foods!).

I have enough for lattes through my birthday, assuming I don’t get tired of them or decide to sacrifice a can or two to a dessert at some point.

The point of that story that sometimes, I think to myself … well, I if I’m in, I might as well be all in, right?

The relevance moving forward of that point is that: I’m going to try to do National Novel Writing Month and National Blog Posting Month. It will be like some terrible, look-at-a-computer-all-day and then look-at-a-computer-all-night kind of bootcamp. Right? Right.