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emmanation

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Archive for the ‘money to burn (apparently)’ Category

GLAMPING

Thursday, June 29th, 2017

I always knew the Nederland in me would come out.

I just signed up for a yoga retreat.

In Moab.

In tents.

I’m not a hippie, like, overall. I work for corporate America in a BIG WAY. A big brother way, not to put too fine a point on it. I spend a lot of money on clothes. I mean, they’re mostly meant to look like they don’t cost a lot of money, but that’s probably worse, right? Is bourgeoisie the word for that? (Don’t tell me, I’m well aware. Bobo as fuck over here.) I do believe with all my heart in taking care of people who need help and giving what you have available to give, and I do have a lot of love … but I think that’s just being a democrat, right?

(I also get very cranky with a lot of people. Please see my archives for 1000 proofs. Or ask the guy I scolded at a bar on Tuesday for saying something VERY racist and then saying he couldn’t be racist because he went to school with black guys who got more girls than him. (Yes, he said pussy, but, come on, ew – there’s a time and place for that word and a bar with acquaintances is neither). SRSLY WUT.)

However. I love yoga, and I’ve been leaning really hard into self care while I’m working through some stuff. Like, beyond yoga – journaling and drinking a lot of wine. New American Cool Girl, right here.

This retreat I signed up for is women only. It’s three nights, yoga in the evening and in the morning and rock climbing and hikes to waterfalls in the middle. Made for insta, except no electricity and no reception.

Plus, there are cots and the tents have wood floors (hence the glamping). I mean, I wake up on either side of 5 am every morning already, and I love a good cactus. (Is there bad cactus? Yes. They’re the stumpy ones that animals run into accidentally. They don’t mean to hurt you, cactus, and it’s very hard for furry desert mammals to remove cactus spines, so that makes you a bad cactus.) I don’t love scorpions.

(My brother had a pet scorpion. Her name was Princess Tiffany. He’s an fantastic artist, and when Princess Tiffany died he made a huge stencil of her likeness and spray painted it in pink on the side of his Jeep. )

Princess Tiffany notwithstanding, I don’t want to find a scorpion chilling in my sleeping bag. Wood floors and cots will really facilitate that.

What I do want is a stranger assigned to my tent with me. We’ll be best friends for 48 hours at a minimum. And I want a group circle after dinner on Saturday that involves a moon deck. What is a moon deck? Your guess is as good as mine. I originally pictured a tables and umbrellas kind of deck that you watch the moon from, but it appears to be the card kind of deck. The moon part? I do not know, but damned if I won’t find out with a bunch of women I don’t know, sitting in a circle in the dessert.

Because, my inner Ned is rearing her head.

I love my butt and won’t shut up

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017

Yoga is so great, you guys. (The title is from Mary Lambert, Secrets. I don’t usually say what it’s from but I don’t want everyone to think I’m just THAT PROUD of my ass.)

I mean, yoga totally has made my butt better, I think? You’d have to ask Crockett, I guess.

(I actually did ask him a couple of months ago if he saw any difference in me since I started yoga, and he said I was getting ‘denser’ but look the same. Which, sure.)

That’s not the main reason I like it, though. I like it because sometimes, I don’t want to do it but I do it anyway. I like it because it’s taught me a lot of things that resonate, like the concepts of drishti and nivata. (A place to rest your gaze while you’re keeping your balance and a safe place without wind.)

I like it because my teachers know me, and notice when I’m not there.

I like it because sometimes I forget about everything but my hips and shoulders for half an hour, which is sort of a feat.

Also I like it because the clothes are cute as shit.

Ok, fine. I also love my butt.

who has more than everything

Friday, November 25th, 2016

Let’s jump right in. Last time on inside Goop, we (me, I) provided useless commentary on many of GPal’s suggestions … here’s the rest! (Should we talk about how inside Goop has been dead since nablopomo ’10? no? good, cause I’m Frankensteining that shit.)(Also, why did I commit to such a long post on a day no one is anywhere near the internet? For the archive readers, I guess? Because I’m an idiot? Who can say for sure.)

Gift Guide For Lovers:

 The Host Gift Guide

  • I don’t necessarily object to a mixed oils kit. I love a good self care system as much as the next girl. What I’m not crazy about is the caption: For the inevitable, holidays-induced anxiety attack. Say what now? Is it just me, or does shit like that reinforce stress for people who have it and create a weird expectation for people who otherwise wouldn’t have it? NO, it’s not just me. Knock it off, guys. Let stress appear organically, ok?
  • Is this a city thing? A leather strapped merino sweater to keep your double wine cool on the subway? Because out here in the wild west, we put our wine on the floor of our car when we drive to parties, just like everyone else.
  • Four ceramic ice cream cones for $100? I’m so damn torn. Hand one: ridiculous. Hand two: if someone would just buy me the $400 ice cream maker I’ve been eyeballing since PASTRY SCHOOL (honestly I would not make very much ice cream, it’s the right call that no one has purchased this for me) then this would be the perfect way to serve said ice cream.

 The Personalized Gift Guide (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but nothing had the name Emma on it when I was a kid. People frequently thought my name was short for Emily. Therefore, this is kind of my sweet spot.)

  • Custom dyed bedding is NOT my sweet spot. I can only imagine if someone bought this for me and Crockett, and literally offered the entire Pantone color wheel to choose from. We’d never get sheets. Ever. These $500 sheets are for the decisive. And possibly the single.
  • As a person who wore a signet-ish ring as an engagement ring for a year recently, I recommend against. They’re lovely but man alive are they not as comfy as normal rings. Thumbs down. Also, psa: I’m 99% sure you cannot wear a signet ON your thumb.
  • These shoes claim you can put a custom image on them, but based on the pictures, they’re actually the shoe version of a high school ring. In that as long as your custom image is selectable from a clip art list, you’re good to go. If they’re actually custom, why are we only seeing a smily face, stethoscope, and kiss lips? And if they ARE from clip art, how do they take FOUR MONTHS? These shoes are confusing.

The Thinker Gift Guide (this is insulting to anyone who wants to shop from the other guides, right? “Smarty guide and the rest of you”?)

  •  Writing utensils! Smart people put words down into a way other people can read them, it’s a truthy truth from GPal’s fingers to your eyeballs. (She 100% did not write that, also. What I said OR whatever the goop site says about the pencils.) Also, it’s an $85 brass ball point pen and the like, if you’re getting link fatigue. I am.
  • Very heavy paper weights for your very heavy thoughts that you put in paper form!
  • A drawing kit made of nothing but black, like … your soul? Your feelings? Are colored pencils only for the simple, GPal? Smart people can get their point across without all that nuance?
  • A pot box. That’s fun.

The one we’ve allllll been waiting for …. The Ridiculous but Awesome Gift Guide

  • Dennis Hopper’s record collection. DENNIS HOPPER’S RECORD COLLECTION. It’s $150,000, it’s 110 records, you don’t get to know what most of them are, they’re all ‘as is’, and Dennis Hopper was the bad guy in Speed. No part of this makes sense. (Plus, there’s only one and it’s still available. I’m would have thought some overly committed overly moneyed GPal enthusiast would have snapped it up by now?)
  • Our [$2995 leather wrapped] Bicycle is great for cycling enthusiasts, either as fashionable transportation or as a sculptural decor element.” Crockett says: the snozzberries taste like snozzberries! Also, there’s no further info about the bike. Like, what’s the frame under the leather? Steel? Aluminum? And old bike this company stole from outside their neighborhood coffee shop?
  • Yeah, we’re into this weird briefcase lap desk thing. Probably because one of the pictures looks like it could have been taken at Sparrows Lodge, the place we minimooned. I bet if GPal knew about it she’d write about it and we’d have to pay a million dollars to go back, so no one tell her.

There you go. I hope Gwennie and I just made your Christmas easier.

who has everything

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2016

Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow thinks that anything under $100 is a stocking stuffer?

See, she’s published her Goop Gift Guides.

God I love her.

Like, a tiny notebook for $8 that’s meant for only good things? That is damn adorable. Actually, basically EVERYTHING in the Stocking Stuffer guide is something I’m kind of into.

Here we go. Top three from each category, for any reason. (Unless I get tired and decide to add the rest to tomorrow because this is nablopomo. No need to overburn my candles.)

Stocking Stuffers:

  • Who the fuck knows what a toothbrush stand even is?? It looks like your toothbrush inherited Peter Pan’s shadow, sort of. Plus, why is it dark grey? You know what isn’t dark grey? Any and all toothpaste. (Except for those people who brush with actual charcoal … wait. Obviously GPal brushes her teeth with charcoal. Mystery = solved.)
  • Koi you … draw with? Why do I not understand anything on this list?
  • THIS IS AMAZING. It’s a flask that … changes? Is my use of ellipses going to just get more aggressive as we move into the wackier parts of this list? (Although “something called hydroforming” is sort of insulting, GPal. Hydroforming literally means formed by liquid and also now that I remember the long forgotten part of me that got a bachelors in metallurgical engineering I’m like 99% sure she means each flask is different, not that your flask changes. That’s not how metal works. Thanks, CSM metallurgy department!)

The Cook Gift Guide

Under 18 Gift Guide

  • I have questions for this child’s father. If you make your kid wear a shirt proclaiming your status as a feminist, your wokeness is in question.
  • Do you buy this expensive Salinger box set if you already suspect a kid is going to assassinate someone, or if you’re hoping to nudge them in that direction?
  • I don’t understand this $1500 Flinstone’s contraption, but that might be me being an old? Plus, does anyone else want them to have called a plank with a wheel in the middle something more original than OneWheel? WE CAN COUNT.

Health Nut Gift Guide (<- ‘nut’ is insensitive, GPAL)

  • I mean, would I take a $700 juicer that promises no cleanup because you also order the juice packs from them and they just squeeze everything out? Of COURSE I would. But then I’d find out my beloved Spicy Greens packs (Spicy Greens would be my fav in this theoretical world where this happens) are $7 a pack, and I’d realize it’s cheaper to buy juice from the store. So not only would the juicer not be paying for itself, it would actually be increasing my juice debt every time I used it. Juice debt. Something I would never have considered if not for GPal.
  • OH, this tiny bag of crystals. My inner goth teenager wants it super bad, but also it’s nine rocks for $85. You can get a rock polisher for $65! With rocks! CALM DOWN INNER GOTH TEENAGER.

There are ten categories. TEN. I’m doing one more and then calling it a night.

The Traveler Gift Guide:

  • Full disclosure. I own two James Perse dresses and find them worth the $100+ dollars for a jersey dress, that that’s something I didn’t see coming until I actually tried one on. That being said: a James Perse $995 blanket. Do I want it? YES. Would I EVER take it on an airplane where other people could touch it and germs could get on it and it would get worn out and eyeballs themselves would wear it out? Are you fucking kidding me, it’s a thousand dollars. It would live in a closet where I would read books and no one but me and my books and occasionally white (NEVER red) wine would be allowed. And La Croix, I guess, but still. This is not a reasonable gift.
  • This says ‘hello handsome’ in it. It is not only reasonable but fantastic. Let’s ALL buy this dop kit for our favorite boys.
  • No. Bad. Everlane, guys. I have the Everlane Weekender and to be fair mine is a stripey mustard one that was the best and apparently you can’t buy it anymore? But still don’t give GPal $400 for this bag. Don’t. So many bags in the world.

Next time on ‘inside Goop’ (Friday, I think), gift guides for lovers, hostesses, people who like things that are personalized (true), thinkers, and ‘the ridiculous but awesome’ guide. That one has a yurt. A YURT.

 

 

that service tho

Thursday, November 17th, 2016

I love candles, you guys. One of the things that has changed in my life as I have become an adult is that I now buy candles and store them, so I can burn them when I want. I have warm, lovely winter scents and bright, citrusy summer scents, even. Like, stocked, in the bottom of my pantry.

Like any good hobby (hobby? no, candles are not a hobby), the deeper you get, the better stuff you want. (Is that like drug addiction, or is that backwards? Or do drugs start that way and then go downhill? If candles are drugs (metaphor wise), not a hobby, then will I eventually start buying 10 for 10 plain white tapers in the grocery store just to hold me over until my next Anthropologie trip?)

Focus, Emma.

So I have candles from Target, and Mrs. Meyers Clean Day candles, and a couple of those Bath&Body Works beauties. But I was thinking it was time to level up and also I read this funny but also real review of a candle called Wood Cabin, made by a company in Brooklyn called Keap, and I was like YES, I am ready for candles that cost as much as THREE glasses of wine instead of one or two glasses of wine. It’s time. Plus, this is how the review answered the question ‘does it have a good smell?’: Yes. In colder months, my favorite genre of candle scent is “old church with big fireplace.” This is one of those candles.

So on the Keap website, I was like where’s Wood Cabin … I got temporarily distracted by Hot Springs, which is cedar and eucalyptus and lavender! but I was on a mission – and I found it, and I put it in my cart, and I hit checkout, and it said ‘hey what’s your credit card number??’

My credit card was in the car.

And I am a woman who loves a candle, but I am a lazy, lazy woman as well, so I abandoned my candle.

The next day, Keap sent one of those ‘hey, you abandoned your poor, baby, unloved candle – did something go wrong or are you just a terrible person?’ (not at all what it said even a little). And instead of ignoring it like I usually would, I sent back a note that said ‘my credit card was super far away – totally would have checked out if you had paypal tho!’.

Then the owner actually personally emailed me back to tell me they were working on paypal integration.

And then emailed me again to tell me when it was working.

So obviously I bought the candle. Wood Cabin is burning on my table. To me it’s more ‘nighttime winter walk in Breck with Crockett when his sweater smells like his cologne and our fireplace’ than old church, but as you can imagine, it smells pretty tasty either way.

PLUS it snowed here today!

Things are super.