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Archive for the ‘movie club’ Category

let’s drink and watch

Sunday, November 27th, 2016

American Ultra!

(When did the movies on Hulu get better than the movies on Netflix?)

We open with Jesse Eisenberg (Mike) and Kristen Stewart (Phoebe) being dirty in love stoners.

  • Mike is going to propose! Except he’s going to do it in Hawaii and he bought the ticket but they can’t go because he has panic attacks about flying and that’s apparently something they both knew! And yet they thought he could mind-over-matter it, I guess!
  • Then he thought maybe he’d propose at home, but he almost set the kitchen on fire! This movie is not going super for Mikey so far. Although he does have a fun gorilla astronaut comic book.
  • WAIT HE’S BEING TARGETED FROM SPACE. By the CIA. While he smokes up in a convenience store parking lot.
  • Hi Connie Britton. I’ve missed your lovely face and also hair and also energy.
  • Phoebe is really really sweet to Mike. She loves him a lot. And they have eyeballs tattooed on their feet, for some reason. I don’t know if this is going to work out for these two crazy kids, Connie Britton got a weird high security phonecall about ‘operation toughguy’ and now she’s stalking the halls of the CIA looking like bad things are happening. Oh, wait! Now she’s yelling at Eric Foreman! (It’s fun when I use actor names, character names, and names of other roles actor’s have had with no logic at all, right?)
  • Oh! They’re going to kill Mikey because he was going to go to Hawaii and he’s an asset of some failed project and he’s not supposed to leave town, apparently.

This is better than I anticipated. I never knew I wanted to see Eric Foreman call Connie Britton a snipey, overbearing bitch and see her ‘as if you even matter’ face.

  • John Leguizamo! And illegal fireworks? How have I never heard of this movie?? Have you guys heard of this movie?
  • I was going to say what kind of code phrase is Chariot Progressive, but I guess no one would say it accidentally, so perhaps it’s the good kind? Mandelbrot set is in motion, tho – that’s something I could hear in the real world. Good thing I’m no spy waiting to be activated.
  • DIRTY JESSE MIKE WHOEVER as freaking Jason Bourne! His training kicked in but has now deserted him and he’s more together than I expected for someone who just killed someone with a ramen spoon. (Although he is trying to hide behind a very narrow pole like a cartoon character so maybe not handling so well.)
  • Oh man. Mike is in jail (because he killed someone with a spoon in a parking lot and tried to hide behind a pole and that shit leads to jail) and Eric Foreman is sending The Crane and The Laugher after him.
  • Something is up with Phoebe. For sure. She’s either his keeper or another sleeper or ….dunno. Something.

Ok, I was actually drinking La Croix (which isn’t really in the spirit of drink and watch) but I’ve upgraded to gin and soda. This movie deserves the full d’n’w experience.

  • Catch and return grenade. Baller move, Mike. The Crane (female assassin who threw the grenade) is handcuffed to a chair by her ankle. Ankle cuffed? Ankle handcuffed. The chair is like a cafeteria chair and she’s just carrying it around with her so … not the most successful restraint attempt I’ve ever seen.
  • Ooooo his panic attack thing is about leaving town at all, not flying. (I don’t know where they are also. The PNW maybe? There’s a lot of flannel.)(Oh hey the internet knew, it’s Limon West Virginia.)
  • Connie Britton is calling on the only person who will help her … drumrollllll … Buster Bluth! Literally no one in this movie isn’t famous.
  • MIKE THINKS HE’S A ROBOT. This is wonderful.
  • John Leguizamo thinks Mike has a monkey virus. From 28 Days Later, maybe? I don’t know, I clicked over to a Cyber Monday sale page and may have missed something.
  • Oh, ok. The CIA is spreading disinformation that Mike and Connie Britton have a monkey virus that’s super contagious and everyone should call when they see them. Sneaky mofos, the CIA.
  • Crane and The Laugher were mental patients that Eric Foreman retrained as assassins. Rude or excellent distributions of resources? Connie Britton thinks the former. #imwithher (sniff)
  • Oh man, there goes John Leguizamo. Probably shouldn’t have been harboring Mike, monkey virus or no monkey virus. Sorry, buddy.
  • Riofloxin? I just googled riofloxin gas and then immediately regretted it (Trump’s America, guys), but it’s a made up gas just for this movie. Is that a normal thing?
  • Mike just remembered Phoebe interviewing him, therapist style! I love it when I’m right as shit, man.
  • “I’m your handler. I was assigned to you five years ago. But of course I’m your girlfriend.” I wouldn’t buy it either, Mikey.
  • Nothing like a little attempted vehicular manslaughter to really bring a fighting couple together.
  • Wait, if she was his handler, why did she let him schedule the trip to Hawaii in the first place? Didn’t she know that would trigger the kill order? Well, The Laugher is abducting her while Mike is stuck in the crushed car so serves her right, I guess.
  • Connie Britton saved Mike and asked if he knew who she was. “Are you my mother?” Bahahaha.
  • “If I die, I’m going to do it stoned and happy in my bed.” Mike’s not handing this well, but Connie Britton patrolling his house with an automatic weapon while he smokes up is an excellent visual.
  • Aiming a bullet ricochet off a flying frying pan? No.
  • Buster Bluth coming through in the clinch? YES.
  • BILL PULLMAN. Looking so very presidental but I’m guessing he’s a last ditch assassin? Or maybe Buster Bluth called him and he’s going to kick Eric Foreman’s ass? He’s striding purposefully towards an airplane in a suit, which I always enjoy.
  • Apparently Eric Foreman had a whole truck full of assassins. Like, a big truck. And while he was telling them to ALL get Mike and to be careful because Mike is silent on little cat feet, Mike comes out of nowhere shooting fireworks! Of course! Chekov’s fireworks!
  • Shootout in the warehouse store, and Mike is just walking through gunsmoke killing people with a sledgehammer to the temple. Whatever training program Connie Britton put him through, it’s clearly much superior to Eric Foreman’s stable of psychos.
  • This just got very violent. Like, it was violent before but …
  • Connie!! Saving Phoebe with a timely strangulation!
  • Huh. So everyone bad is dead, Bill Pullman appeared and shut down Eric Foreman, and Mike is proposing to Phoebe in front of all of the cops with guns in the parking lot of the shootout. It’s weird but kind of adorable.
  • And then they got tased.

And now he’s a spy and it’s his gorilla astronaut cartoon.

So, I checked and the reason I never heard of this movie is because it didn’t do very well, but guys? Even though I just spoiled the shit out of it?

You should watch it. It’s fun.

mr right

Sunday, November 6th, 2016

This is not a post about how amazing Crockett is.

I mean, it could be, obviously. Today we’ve been married for four weeks and I’m totally getting the hang of it, you guys.

I’m working on our thank you cards and watching romantic comedies, and it’s pretty stellar. (I also ate some leftover lasagne, drank a leftover-from-the-wedding Bud Light (overpurchased those, lemme tell you), and walked the dogs twice so far if you’re looking for a real play by play which, let’s be real, anyone who commits to reading a whole nablopomo effort is really open to minutiae right?)

I started with How To Be Single, which. Eh. Crockett was doing some computer stuff and half watching it with me, and I kept wanting to tell him that it wasn’t a great example of romcom – the thing is, it sort of is. It’s not illustrative of the *best* ones, but it’s actually pretty solid as far as following the rules of the genre.

Then I watched Bride Wars with Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson. About halfway through I realized not only have I SEEN the movie, I’ve blogged about it! More than seven years ago! Time is a flat circle etc.

BUT NOW. I’m watching Mr. Right for the second time in a week. Crockett watched it with me the first time and he was ok with it, but I’m in fucking love. Sam Rockwell and Anna Kendrick throwing knives at each other on their second date (in a sexy way OBVIOUSly) … it’s the falling in love scene I never knew I needed until a hole deep in my heart was filled on first viewing. I’m going to watch it once a week until HBO takes it away from me. WATCH THIS MOVIE. Do it. It’s the best movie in the universe. (Other than some others, but not very many. Fury Road and It Follows, basically. My taste in movies is unimpeachable so don’t even @ me.)

It’s time to stop listing addresses and names and start actually writing the notes, now, and I’m guessing I’ll need at least one more movie. Do you think if I switch over to Insidious 3 halfway through the stack the tone would change? People will just shiver and feel the need to look over their shoulder when they open the envelope? Maybe I should stick with the love theme. 27 Dresses it is. Thanks for the advice.

Happy Sunday! And nablo day 6!

 

let us drink and watch…

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015

ENEMY.

The Tiniest Sprinter says it’s a must watch, I’m drinking a mediocre unoaked chardonnay anyway, it’s snowing outside: let’s do this shit.

(Warning: this is relatively new but I’m not going to pull any punches plot wise so if you don’t wanna get spoiled then go read this instead.)

  • We open with Jakey Gyllenhaal (JG) at a weird Eyes Wide Shut style sex club. There was a woman making noises that my dogs were uncomfortable with, and JG seemed equally uncomfortable based on the way he was covering his eyes (but NOT uncomfortable based on the way he was peeking ifyouknowwhatimean).
  • Oh also I’m eating smoked salmon and cauliflower pancakes.
  • Mr Sex Club JG is shaping young minds in a very night court looking college classroom. It feels unsuccessful, and during his lecture it’s really unclear how many days we’re actually watching him go through. He’s talking about dictators sating the masses with entertainment, which, don’t you lecture at me you damn canadian movie.
  • JG is really nailing Crockett’s winter beard here.
  • You’re boring your pretty blond ladyfriend JG. Also, she is not wearing a wedding ring and you were in the sex dungeon much-more-accurate-than-50-shades as if I know but come on EVERYONE SAYS the 50 shades BSDM is bullshit and I trust everyone because why wouldn’t I scene.
  • The air of dissatisfaction is really intense. It’s sort of making me want to smack them all upside the head. Plus everything is yellow. Yellow is very dissatistfying.
  • Oh, I’ve had a lot of bloody noses lately (negative humidity here in sunny ol CO) and I keep having dried blood flake out of my nostrils. I literally cannot imagine how  charming it must look.
  • I knew it was a doppelgänger movie but OH MY GOD. HE’S IN THIS MOVIE THAT HIS DISSATISFIED COWORKER RECOMMENDED. And he’s not like, the lead. He’s a bus… bus… the guy who carries your suitcases to your room in old fashioned hotels. Somehow that’s SO MUCH WORSE. LIke, if you were hallucinating, wouldn’t you be the lead? (Is busboy a real word?)
  • He was lecturing and then he went into a yellow room and drew the curtains and we could still hear him talking, and I thought we were, like, watching him withdraw into his mind, but no. He’s actually just home and we were just hearing the end of the lecture. I guess.
  • JG found the guy on the internet, on an agent’s webpage. The OJG rented the rest of the new JG’s movies. Two things: do they not have IMDB in Canada (he knew NJG’s name from the credits of the first movie but was still googling it and then scrolling through image results what) and does he not have any friends because you can damn well bet I would be blowing up my contact list with this if it happened to me, right? Who just owns this? And a follow up: is putting your mom in your phone as ‘Mother’ creepy or am I just now dissatisfied with everything because IT’S ALL YELLOW?
  • oooo inadvertent subterfuge. Think of how easily you could trick people into thinking you were someone else if you really were that person? I’m so deep. I’m deep like Jaden Smith y’all.
  • OJG called NJG and got his girlfriend and she thinks it’s NJG fucking with her. Which makes me wonder – how many people would recognize their voice well enough on the phone that I would know it was them even if they said it wasn’t? I was just thinking about this the other day sort of. Some of these weird prank shows, where they swap out strangers while someone is taking their picture or whatever, everyone is like ahaha you’re so gullible, but I think we just understand the wild fallibility of our own minds AND hate the idea of looking like a crazy motherfucker.
  • Is stalking your doppelgänger a sign of being a crazy motherfucker or being really dissatisfied or just the totally logical thing to do?
  • Interesting. OJG’s girlfriend looks like this and NJG’s wife looks like this. It’s almost heavy handed right? Conveniently only one is preggers (wife). It would be handy if one of the JGs would wear a preggers belly, but I guess NJG’s ring is going to have to do. He is holding his hands up a lot.
  • I just spelled conveniently so wrong that wordpress spellcheck couldn’t figure out what I meant. I had to change it like four times (never landing on the correct spelling) before it finally got me there.
  • If you’re in Canada and you google someone, does it prioritize other Canadians?
  • Oh man NJG’s wife (preggers) just met OJG and she handled it remarkably well. I think I would have attacked him. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME etc etc. Or I would have attacked NJG when he started bitching about the lack of organic blueberries in the fridge, I guess. Even without the whole doppelgänger thing, that would just piss me off. Organic berries are better but some blueberries are better than no blueberries, ya douche.
  • Now NJG and preggers are also dissatisfied. And yellow, but they were always yellow. Preggers is doing that THING. You know, the thing, where you hold an important plot point in your hand and instead of laying it out on the table you hold onto it and insist in a very dissatisfied way that everyone else already knows and so why explain anything god my life is   just     so       hard     andeveryoneleavesmeoutofeverything     sniff. That thing.
  • Is Canada yellow? Can someone who has been to Toronto please confirm for me if it is in fact somehow yellower than America thnx.
  • Ooo ooo ooo OJG and NJG are about to be in the same room. Not so secretly hoping that this takes a turn for the large hadron collider style total atom based annihilation.
  • Enemy/Friends cross post: would you recognize your hands on someone else?
  • Chest scars. Conjoined twins?
  • Why is OJG freaking out? He meets NGJ and has a chance to ask questions! And instead he runs away. I have so many questions and he asked none of them. It’s like he’s not even thinking about me.
  • On a personal note, people always said Crockett looked like one of two people: Jake Gyllenhaal or Aaron Rodgers. If anyone is the NJG it’s him. (I can’t figure out how to make the below pictures smaller because I stopped being a pictureybloggy person so I apologize but hey at least they’re all handsome right?)
  • Speaking of a Friends crossover, OJGs mom is Isabella Rossellini and she was on Ross’s allowed to bang list.
  • WHAT ISABELLA ROSSELLINI THINKS OJG IS TRYING TO BE AN ACTOR?
  • Sorry, guys, I got unnecessarily excited there for a second. Is this all in OJG’s head? Because then is preggers made up too?
  • NJG is rehearsing something and it appears to be kidnapping OJG’s girlfriend. Not the kind of thing I would rehearse but then I’m not a dissatisfied Canadian fellow with a new twin.
  • OJG just let NJG out into his world in his clothes to pick up not-preggers. That is some fucked up boyfriending right there, OJG. You’re not doing Aaron Rodgers or Crockett proud, old me and Olivia Munn agree.
  • One hour and seven minutes down, thirty five minutes to go. Think of the other useful things I could have done with the 1500 words that this is going to end up being. I could have written about how Dean was just sleeping on the back of the chair and how he wiggled too much (his thing) and fell in between the cushion and the back of the chair and it was awesome.
  • The elevator operator was also at the sex club! OJG is taking the opportunity of a kidnapped girlfriend to break into NJG’s apartment cause he classy like that, and the elevator operator would apparently reeeeeealy like to go to the not 50 shades of gray party again if at all possible.
  • Ok they just straight up traded ladies. Ew.
  • Busted by the wedding ring mark. Sucks to be you, NJG. Although I would never ask ‘who are you’ except in a metaphorical sense, I guess, if someone I thought I knew showed up with a wedding ring shadow. Not-preggers sounded like she really meant it, like who are you stranger?
  • THIS IS SO AWKWARD AND really very dissatisfying. Preggers is fucking OJ
  • OH NOES
  • Um. I think NJG and not-preggers are dead. Good thing they were keeping up to date on their backups?
  • Remember the mysterious letter? Since OJG is pretending to be NJG and doesn’t know NJG is maybe dead, he’s opening it. It contains a key. Has anyone ever in the history of time mailed a key in a white envelope in a padded envelope?
  • Whatishappening
  • Ok, this is going to sound like I’m making it up, but OJG was just talking to his new pregnant wife person and she’d been replaced by a room sized spider. And now credits.
  • It says there are 16 minutes left.
  • Be honest, guys. Did one of you sneak in here and replace my wine with absinthe?
  • Ok the last 14 minutes are an interview with JG and the director. It’s over.

Whew. We made it, you guys. There were spiders and car crashes and doppelgängers but here we are. I don’t know if it was two crazy guys or one crazy buy. Everyone take a drink.

the basement

Monday, February 9th, 2015

I was totally sure I was going to be terrified of the basement when I moved into my new house.

Like, I was one hundred percent planning on installing a lock on the living room side. So much so that I’d planned my conversation with the people at the hardware store in order to minimize how likely they were to call the police and tell them some crazy chick had people locked under her house.

However, since moving in, it’s been sort of a non-issue. I mean, I don’t go DOWN there. Especially not at night, and really not even during the day when there’s no one else here. (Don’t worry, I put this thing that will beep really loud if it starts to flood on the floor. I am a responsible homeowner, after all. (As long as you have no questions about what else I’ve done.)) But I’m not nearly as stressed about it as I anticipated.

My little brother really thinks I should watch The Babadook. “A single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, battles with her son’s fear of a monster lurking in the house, but soon discovers a sinister presence all around her.”

Monster. House.

LOOK.

JUST LOOK.

I want to watch it, I do, but.

THE BASEMENT.

Anybody wanna come over and watch it with me?

lets drink and watch That Awkward Moment

Saturday, November 22nd, 2014

Drinking: A single Cinnamon Horchata beer thing from Blue Moon, because I’m not feeling well and really would kind of rather be drinking mexican hot chocolate but I don’t have any

Eating: leftover green beens from the back of the fridge because see above

Prior to starting this movie, I’m going to say it’s going to be dumb and I’d probably have more to say about the preview for the next season of Girls that just played, but hey. It kind of looks like what would traditionally be considered a chick flick geared towards dudes and I’m interested in the that concept. I want to know if men or women were the audience for this. I want to know how fleshed out the female characters are. I want to know … stuff. I don’t know. Come on, we all know I’m going to make it ten minutes into this movie.

  • So as far as I can tell, Baby Efron is the lead, right? He just got dumped by someone he didn’t know he was dating because they’d had sex once a week for six weeks. So .. failures of communication is the theme?
  • Your wife tells you she’s leaving you in front of the guy she’s leaving you for, and he compliments your SHOES. It was supposed to highlight Michael B. Jordan’s impotence and good lord, it did. ‘Nice shoes’ is going to be my go to ‘I don’t find you worth worrying about’ comment forever and ever.
  • Aw, the third guy? The guy who isn’t Efron or MJ (who was awesome in that thing where he played the old alcoholic boyfriend, what was that, googling, Parenthood!) has the red Irish cheek thing that I have. And is not cute. Poor guy. His name is … Daniel, apparently.
  • I take it back, he has a weird very tall wingwoman who comes with no explanation but seems very effective. And he gives his friends viagra and tells them they’re mints. So, no more sympathy for Daniel.
  • Ok baby Efron just piggybacked on a woman talking about the expectations that came with a single pickup line AS a pickup line and it was wildly effective. Ill Emma might be a sucker for Efron, which is a scary thing to know.
  • Oh wait now he thinks the girl is a hooker because … black boots and a new yorker magazine with hookers on the cover, I think. That was a very short lived Efron crush.
  • Hm. Discussion of expectations regarding checking the college/marriage/kids boxes. With no overt misogyny.
  • Second meet cute commences but then instead of him refusing to talk to her, he just straight up admits he thought she was a hooker. WHAT IS HAPPENING. ALL MY EXPECTATIONS ARE BEING SUBVERTED. (Not all of them.)
  • Oh. ‘What kind of girl would I be if I didn’t eventually find it funny?’ ‘Probably every other girl in the world.’ Oh so she’s not like most girls? (I’m not like most girls. I’m three kids in a trench coat.)
  • “I warn you she can be really aggressive sometimes but you can tame her with tequila and compliments.”
  • Are there really bars that are like piano karaoke bars? Like, you play the piano instead of or with your singing? That seems like a thing tailor made for people with an overabundance of self confidence and friends who were in musical theater.
  • Every one of these characters is awake after midnight on what I think is a weeknight. Is that a New York thing? Every time I read Bridget Jones I’m shocked by the fact that she can’t be on time for meetings that are at 10 am, maybe it’s that, they go to work really late. At 10 am I’ve been at work for three hours and done my best work of the day. Seriously. Please don’t tell my boss that my afternoons are basically a wash.
  • They have a New Girl bathroom. Is what is basically a public restroom in a private apartment a real thing in big cities? Is my confusion about what life is like in New York making me sound like a cowpoke who has never lived anywhere but the front range of Colorado?
  • Ha. Cow poke.
  • I’m trying to remember the most interesting date I’ve ever been on. Pretending to be a billionaire and touring a wildly expensive home beats it. For sure. However, that would make me very uncomfortable because I don’t like situations that could end with me getting yelled at, and the whole fake billionaire thing definitely qualifies.
  • Baby Efron’s girl, who’s name is completely unclear, looks like she’s on the day one apply makeup, sleep, second day more makeup, sleep, third day wash off first day makeup but leave second day makeup and apply third day makeup, sleep, repeat ad infinitum schedule. It’s very nicely matched with Efron’s ‘just dirty enough to stand up straight’ hair.
  • ‘I was going to make you wait [for sex] too, but then I remembered I’m a dude.’
  • So when I broke up with my college boyfriend, I was super duper bad with boundaries with the first guy I dated afterwards. We worked at the same bakery and his house was like a block from our work, and I would just stop by like all the time. I think I was used to the dorms and living with my brother and friend and boyfriend. We were all up in each other’s business and in retrospect I didn’t dial that back nearly enough when I met someone new. (Baby Efron’s girl dropped by and his friends thought she wasn’t invited and said that was ‘girlfriend stuff’.)
  • She said she brought ‘scotch’ but it’s pretty clearly Bulleit. And now she’s playing video games. Cue Amy’s cool girl speech.
  • Blah everyone is in love. Whatever.
  • Somehow baby Efron is wearing a fake cock to his ladys party. It seems he thought it was a costume party but she meant it was a fancy dress. Two different meanings of dress up party. This is fucking ridiculous. What kind of quasi couple doesn’t at least mention ‘hey I’m going to buy the fake dick for your party’ or ‘hey here are a couple of pictures of the dresses I’m thinking of wearing what do you think’?
  • The big hair and skinny jeans are making this look like a movie of bobbleheads.
  • We’re approaching the ‘sabotaging our relationships because we promised each other we wouldn’t have them’ phase of the movie, and I’m bowing out.

An HOUR. I made it an hour! Further through the movie than I did through the beer.

My head and stomach and I are going directly to bed.