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Archive for the ‘movie club’ Category

the basement

Monday, February 9th, 2015

I was totally sure I was going to be terrified of the basement when I moved into my new house.

Like, I was one hundred percent planning on installing a lock on the living room side. So much so that I’d planned my conversation with the people at the hardware store in order to minimize how likely they were to call the police and tell them some crazy chick had people locked under her house.

However, since moving in, it’s been sort of a non-issue. I mean, I don’t go DOWN there. Especially not at night, and really not even during the day when there’s no one else here. (Don’t worry, I put this thing that will beep really loud if it starts to flood on the floor. I am a responsible homeowner, after all. (As long as you have no questions about what else I’ve done.)) But I’m not nearly as stressed about it as I anticipated.

My little brother really thinks I should watch The Babadook. “A single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, battles with her son’s fear of a monster lurking in the house, but soon discovers a sinister presence all around her.”

Monster. House.



I want to watch it, I do, but.


Anybody wanna come over and watch it with me?

lets drink and watch That Awkward Moment

Saturday, November 22nd, 2014

Drinking: A single Cinnamon Horchata beer thing from Blue Moon, because I’m not feeling well and really would kind of rather be drinking mexican hot chocolate but I don’t have any

Eating: leftover green beens from the back of the fridge because see above

Prior to starting this movie, I’m going to say it’s going to be dumb and I’d probably have more to say about the preview for the next season of Girls that just played, but hey. It kind of looks like what would traditionally be considered a chick flick geared towards dudes and I’m interested in the that concept. I want to know if men or women were the audience for this. I want to know how fleshed out the female characters are. I want to know … stuff. I don’t know. Come on, we all know I’m going to make it ten minutes into this movie.

  • So as far as I can tell, Baby Efron is the lead, right? He just got dumped by someone he didn’t know he was dating because they’d had sex once a week for six weeks. So .. failures of communication is the theme?
  • Your wife tells you she’s leaving you in front of the guy she’s leaving you for, and he compliments your SHOES. It was supposed to highlight Michael B. Jordan’s impotence and good lord, it did. ‘Nice shoes’ is going to be my go to ‘I don’t find you worth worrying about’ comment forever and ever.
  • Aw, the third guy? The guy who isn’t Efron or MJ (who was awesome in that thing where he played the old alcoholic boyfriend, what was that, googling, Parenthood!) has the red Irish cheek thing that I have. And is not cute. Poor guy. His name is … Daniel, apparently.
  • I take it back, he has a weird very tall wingwoman who comes with no explanation but seems very effective. And he gives his friends viagra and tells them they’re mints. So, no more sympathy for Daniel.
  • Ok baby Efron just piggybacked on a woman talking about the expectations that came with a single pickup line AS a pickup line and it was wildly effective. Ill Emma might be a sucker for Efron, which is a scary thing to know.
  • Oh wait now he thinks the girl is a hooker because … black boots and a new yorker magazine with hookers on the cover, I think. That was a very short lived Efron crush.
  • Hm. Discussion of expectations regarding checking the college/marriage/kids boxes. With no overt misogyny.
  • Second meet cute commences but then instead of him refusing to talk to her, he just straight up admits he thought she was a hooker. WHAT IS HAPPENING. ALL MY EXPECTATIONS ARE BEING SUBVERTED. (Not all of them.)
  • Oh. ‘What kind of girl would I be if I didn’t eventually find it funny?’ ‘Probably every other girl in the world.’ Oh so she’s not like most girls? (I’m not like most girls. I’m three kids in a trench coat.)
  • “I warn you she can be really aggressive sometimes but you can tame her with tequila and compliments.”
  • Are there really bars that are like piano karaoke bars? Like, you play the piano instead of or with your singing? That seems like a thing tailor made for people with an overabundance of self confidence and friends who were in musical theater.
  • Every one of these characters is awake after midnight on what I think is a weeknight. Is that a New York thing? Every time I read Bridget Jones I’m shocked by the fact that she can’t be on time for meetings that are at 10 am, maybe it’s that, they go to work really late. At 10 am I’ve been at work for three hours and done my best work of the day. Seriously. Please don’t tell my boss that my afternoons are basically a wash.
  • They have a New Girl bathroom. Is what is basically a public restroom in a private apartment a real thing in big cities? Is my confusion about what life is like in New York making me sound like a cowpoke who has never lived anywhere but the front range of Colorado?
  • Ha. Cow poke.
  • I’m trying to remember the most interesting date I’ve ever been on. Pretending to be a billionaire and touring a wildly expensive home beats it. For sure. However, that would make me very uncomfortable because I don’t like situations that could end with me getting yelled at, and the whole fake billionaire thing definitely qualifies.
  • Baby Efron’s girl, who’s name is completely unclear, looks like she’s on the day one apply makeup, sleep, second day more makeup, sleep, third day wash off first day makeup but leave second day makeup and apply third day makeup, sleep, repeat ad infinitum schedule. It’s very nicely matched with Efron’s ‘just dirty enough to stand up straight’ hair.
  • ‘I was going to make you wait [for sex] too, but then I remembered I’m a dude.’
  • So when I broke up with my college boyfriend, I was super duper bad with boundaries with the first guy I dated afterwards. We worked at the same bakery and his house was like a block from our work, and I would just stop by like all the time. I think I was used to the dorms and living with my brother and friend and boyfriend. We were all up in each other’s business and in retrospect I didn’t dial that back nearly enough when I met someone new. (Baby Efron’s girl dropped by and his friends thought she wasn’t invited and said that was ‘girlfriend stuff’.)
  • She said she brought ‘scotch’ but it’s pretty clearly Bulleit. And now she’s playing video games. Cue Amy’s cool girl speech.
  • Blah everyone is in love. Whatever.
  • Somehow baby Efron is wearing a fake cock to his ladys party. It seems he thought it was a costume party but she meant it was a fancy dress. Two different meanings of dress up party. This is fucking ridiculous. What kind of quasi couple doesn’t at least mention ‘hey I’m going to buy the fake dick for your party’ or ‘hey here are a couple of pictures of the dresses I’m thinking of wearing what do you think’?
  • The big hair and skinny jeans are making this look like a movie of bobbleheads.
  • We’re approaching the ‘sabotaging our relationships because we promised each other we wouldn’t have them’ phase of the movie, and I’m bowing out.

An HOUR. I made it an hour! Further through the movie than I did through the beer.

My head and stomach and I are going directly to bed.

let’s drink and watch

Sunday, October 19th, 2014

Drinking: Toad Hollow Unoaked Chardonnay
Watching: Domestic Disturbance

The cover is 50% serious John Travolta face. How could I not.

  • It opens with ominous music and boats. For a second I forgot and thought I was watching Piranha and I got really excited but then I remembered when I saw John Travolta’s puffy face and shaggy hair. It’s Pulp Fiction hair. It’s not a good look for him.
  • What was he doing between Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction? Did the Scientologists have him locked up somewhere doing some brain thing? (I’m related to two Scientologists. I don’t know if that makes it more or less ok for me to make fun of them.)
  • Travolta and his blond ex wife Susan who I think might be in The Fosters have a son Danny, and he hid in a strangers car to escape basketball practice. That’s an interesting intersection of after school activities and psychopathic tendencies.
  • Vince Vaughn is going to be Danny’s new step-papa. There was no ominous music when that was announced, but VV’s face is pale and his words are low and he’s creepy. Is he always creepy? He’s always creepy, isn’t he. I think this movie just ruined Vince Vaughn for me forever.
  • I have this image in my head of when Steve Buschemi first started trying to find an agent. I imagine a bunch of prospective agents turning him away, telling him that there are only so many roles for small, ugly, mousey, perpetually-unwashed-looking, orthodontia-needing men. They must feel dumb now, man, because all of those roles are SBs now. ALL OF THEM.
  • Travolta makes wooden boats that are of higher quality and longer lasting than the plastic that “everyone wants now”. Oh the symbolism. I really hope someone dies in a plastic boat, just to really hammer it home.
  • This takes place in Maryland. I used to do this thing in bars where I insisted that Maryland wasn’t really a state, and ask everyone if they knew anyone from Maryland. More than half the time, no one did, and I would get very self righteous and conspiracy theory-y. It made mediocre bar conversation, but sometimes that’s good enough.
  • I just looked up the actor that plays Danny and his current work is ‘Transexual prostitute in ToY’. I do not know what that movie is, but I suspect that wasn’t what he anticipated back when he he was playing Travolta’s kid.
  • Ooooooh. See, Danny had to hide in that car in the beginning because he just hid in VV’s car when VV went to murder SB, and otherwise that would have made no sense at alllllllll. Good job, writers and producers. He’s not a psychopath, that was just clumsy precedent setting.
  • I wonder if people who have access to crematoriums and kilns and the witch’s oven from Hansel and Gretel are statistically significantly more likely to bump other people off. There’s no good way to answer that question because if so they’re destroying the sample! (I thought that was funny. The wine is totally working.)
  • It’s weird how reasonable it seems that they made the kid go home with his murdering step dad even after he told the police about the murdering thing. This is why you shouldn’t be problem children, kids. You’ll really need to be believed and instead everyone will be all ‘but you kept climbing into the backs of strangers cars ya little psychopath so why should we believe you’.
  • So I was thinking that I’m going to put a deadbolt on the house side of my basement door at the new house, because I’m a scaredy cat and basements are basically exclusively bad news in the entertainment I prefer to consume, and then I was wondering if going into Lowes Depot and asking about something like that gets you put on a ‘I want to lock people in my basement’ list. If so, I bet VV is on that list.
  • Oh oh oh! I figured it out! VV and Travolta always look clammy. That’s the perfect word. Clammy. So gross.
  • “We didn’t do that much talking. And when we weren’t doing that we were watching TV.” I’m going to say that next time anyone asks me something about someone and I don’t know how to answer.
  • The clammy twins are getting aggressive. WHO IS GOING TO WIN? I actually don’t know because I don’t remember the marketing of this movie, it could be one of those dark ones where the bad guy wins. But who am I kidding.
  • “You said that he liked to screw and watch basketball. What team did he root for????” This was immediately followed by a dial up internet pixelated picture of VV next to the word ‘racketeering’.
  • If I turn this off right now, VV will have won. Travolta is unconscious, bleeding, and covered with gasoline. We have so much power as viewers.
  • VV just lit his jacket on fire!!!! Did you hear about the guy who did that while driving home from church one day? He meant to light his cigarette but caught his sleeve? He was pulled over for having an illegal firearm.
  • (Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff)
  • If someone is searching for you in your house, turn on the bathroom light and put a pair of shoes behind the closed door so it looks like someone is standing there. If your house has a bathroom with two doors, this is a surprisingly useful tip.
  • Everyone is fine! Except Vince Vaughn! And his wife, who just miscarried the baby that she and Vince Vaughn created together. Way to take the easy out, writers. Danny and Travolta and Susan would have loved that baby anyway and you just took that away from them because you didn’t want to have to put the ‘your dad was a killer’ talk in the post credit roll.

I finished one! And you couldn’t even tell that I was also making cookies for the people building my house (sucking up? fuck yes)! Maybe one of the clammy twins needs to be in every drink and watch movie I try to increase my odds of success?

let’s drink and watch …

Friday, September 12th, 2014

Watching: Filth.

Thirty seconds in and I’ve already lost track because of the accents.

This bodes well for the evening.

Watching: The Banshee Chapter

Drinking: NoCo

  • Starting with some MK Ultra trivia, I like it, I like it. Especially when it’s delivered by Bill Clinton and people in the dark or with their faces blurred out, old school 60 Minutes style or what have you.
  • Goddamn it the main female character has a British accent. Isn’t that why I turned off Filth? Her goofy face buddy is about to take whatever they gave people during the MK Ultra experiment. On purpose. I’m more likely to get all the way through this movie than this is to end well for him.
  • OH SHIT MAN. That went from eerie to jump scare to fuck me sideways in about eight seconds. If someone tripping on experimental government drugs ever whispers ‘it’s getting closer to the house’ to me, I am out like Neil Patrick Harris.
  • The drugs came from unnamed ‘friends in Colorado’. I’M in Colorado RIGHT NOW! I could be surrounded!
  • Now numbers stations. Does streaming this movie get you put on some kind of watch list? I already streamed it awhile ago but didn’t actually watch (writing? redditing? sleeping?) so I guess it’s too late to worry about that.
  • My general instinct regarding the question ‘did you used to work for the NSA’ is that you do not ask it of anyone ever. Particularly an old fellow who is about to give you directions regarding where to go in the middle of nowhere in the desert to listen to a radio broadcast. Of course, I would also never get out of the car and yell ‘is anyone here’ in the middle of said desert in the deepest dark of the night, so miss protagonist (Anne) and I are at odds about a lot of things.

Guys, I didn’t think this was going to be very scary but it is.

I have nothing but horror movies in my Netflix list.

What is wrong with me.

I mean I love scary movies but I’m alone and I have to take the girls out to pee in awhile and walk around a deserted parking lot and then come back to an empty apartment. THIS IS NO TIME FOR BANSHEE CHAPTER and the like.

I’m just going to watch Veronica Mars again. Have you seen it? You should. Since I already have my wine out, I’d drink and watch this for ya but it would look a lot like this:

  • She said marshmallow! (When we were in the theater watching this we all hollered when that happened, it was awesome.)
  • It’s Carrie Bishop!
  • MR MARS!
  • Oh my god Logan is the WORST.
  • “You should only wear that.”

Etc. Not even as mildly rewarding as my usual chatter.

Speaking of Kickstarter (which I was), I contributed to this and now I have some temporary literary-themed tattoos coming in the mail. Badass.


let’s drink and talk about

Saturday, July 19th, 2014

I just watched The Internship without writing out my thoughts in list form. I apologize for that (sort of), but I have some damn thoughts now. You know, to make up for it.

HBO Go has been showing off about this movie about two old guys who go to Google for a summer long internship program thing. They’ve been showing us (in us I’m including those of us who literally pay for cable just for HBO Go because I don’t even have my cable box hooked up (and it’s not because I can’t figure it out because I fixed my iPhone screen myself you guys!)) previews for ages, and I googled when they’d finally show me the whole movie (googled for real, not a pun) and found out that it was coming online at 6 pm tonight so at 6:03 tonight I was pushing play.

Being a single lady has made me extremely exciting.

First of all, this movie is obviously a commercial for Google. I tried to find out if Google was involved in the making of and couldn’t nail it down, but if they weren’t then Vince Vaughn and the other screenwriter super duper want to work there. Or want to bang the owner. Or something. In summary, two men in their forties (?) get into this summer internship program and bring real life skills to a group that is otherwise comprised entirely of kids who fit into one of many nerd stereotypes. And Google is awesome.

I didn’t like Google when I went there for an interview day thing. The movie has been said to be accurate by actual interns who work there, and based on my very short experience I don’t see any reason to disagree. The movie makes a big deal of the free food and the nap pods. It also acknowledges that people who work there don’t necessarily leave campus, which I found appealingly honest, since everything they offer in the Boulder office seems designed to negate any excuse (other than children) for setting foot outside during … ever. Still, in the movie the jobs at the end are the holy grail. It could be any company, but it’s Google. It’s a real company and Vince Vaughn actually says, “It’s ranked as the number one company in the country to work for”. Owen Wilson actually says, “Picture the greatest amusement park you’ve ever been to as a kid.  Now imagine nothing like it and a million times better”.

Bechdel test wise (two named women talk to each other about something other than a dude), total failure. I’m going to say there are three named female characters, but they sure as hell never talk to each other. Mako Mori test wise (named woman gets her own arc that isn’t in support of a dude’s arc), I’m going to say pass. There’s a girl (used intentionally, she is meant to be a girl) on the main characters’ team who struggles with issues of intelligence and embracing her sexuality and while romance is sort of the climax of her arc it’s not necessarily the whole story. I buy it.

I haven’t even gotten to my main topic yet, btw, so you might want to get up to pee or something. Or get some wine. I’ve had some.

Here’s my thesis. Finally.

Older men are supposed to be disappointed in themselves to be attractive now.

Vince Vaughn’s character has a weird issue where he can’t do anything right all the way to the end. Owen Wilson’s character, when told by Rose Byrne’s character that she ‘didn’t expect to like him’, says ‘I didn’t expect for you to like me either’. The movie gives us a tiny bit of back story on Vince. Terrible credit, house foreclosed on, etc. Nothing at all on Owen. We don’t know what’s back there – failed marriage(s)? Widowed? Perpetually single? Gigantic douchebag for all of his thirties?

The whole movie is about them alternately falling down and shoring each other up.

When I was in ninth grade, I finally got to date Ben. I had been in preteen-love with Ben since I moved to that school district – so, like, TWO YEARS. He’d been in preteen-love with my best friend for awhile in eighth grade and they’d dated and every day had been like a serrated knife doing a tango in my intestines.

Pre-teen love is pretty fucking brutal.

When I was in ninth (actually, maybe tenth?) grade, somehow Ben came around. I think he’d gotten less cool and I’d gotten cooler. Possibly the half shaved head he was rocking had gone out of style. Anyway, the WHOLE TIME (I’m talking weeks here) that we were dating, he would talk about how I was definitely going to leave him because he wasn’t good enough for me.

Then I left him.

It was a lot because it was high school, but it was partially because I was tired of listening to that shit and he sort of convinced me that it was true. He wasn’t good enough for me, dammit. You know who was good enough for me? The kid who was living with his aunt and uncle because he got expelled from his home school district for drugs and fighting!

Ah, high school.

I have this sense that that’s changed, though. It might just be for 35+? But now I think men are sort of expected to state that they’re not good enough. Movies have definitely set the expectation, but I’m perpetuating it. I’m listening to shit from male friends now that fourteen year old Emma would have found vomit worthy. (Fourteen year old Emma pretended to puke a lot.)

If this is an expression of insecurity that men have always had, then I embrace this disclosure. Everyone should be able to tell their friends and romantic partners when they’re feeling like they’re not good enough.

If this is some entertainment pendulum that’s just swinging away from men hiding their emotions, I guess I embrace that too.

It feels like neither, though. It feels like a move on the part of the entertainment industry to bring in more female viewers without actually bringing in more women’s stories. See, if men go through emotional upheaval, then why would we need to cast more women?? Cause what ladies like is the feeeeeelings.

Men having emotional arcs: good. Them doing it at the expense of more fully realized female characters: bullshit.

I don’t have a lot more evidence for this theory, but I’ll collect some and get back to you.