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Archive for the ‘movie club’ Category

let’s drink and watch

Sunday, October 19th, 2014

Drinking: Toad Hollow Unoaked Chardonnay
Watching: Domestic Disturbance

The cover is 50% serious John Travolta face. How could I not.

  • It opens with ominous music and boats. For a second I forgot and thought I was watching Piranha and I got really excited but then I remembered when I saw John Travolta’s puffy face and shaggy hair. It’s Pulp Fiction hair. It’s not a good look for him.
  • What was he doing between Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction? Did the Scientologists have him locked up somewhere doing some brain thing? (I’m related to two Scientologists. I don’t know if that makes it more or less ok for me to make fun of them.)
  • Travolta and his blond ex wife Susan who I think might be in The Fosters have a son Danny, and he hid in a strangers car to escape basketball practice. That’s an interesting intersection of after school activities and psychopathic tendencies.
  • Vince Vaughn is going to be Danny’s new step-papa. There was no ominous music when that was announced, but VV’s face is pale and his words are low and he’s creepy. Is he always creepy? He’s always creepy, isn’t he. I think this movie just ruined Vince Vaughn for me forever.
  • I have this image in my head of when Steve Buschemi first started trying to find an agent. I imagine a bunch of prospective agents turning him away, telling him that there are only so many roles for small, ugly, mousey, perpetually-unwashed-looking, orthodontia-needing men. They must feel dumb now, man, because all of those roles are SBs now. ALL OF THEM.
  • Travolta makes wooden boats that are of higher quality and longer lasting than the plastic that “everyone wants now”. Oh the symbolism. I really hope someone dies in a plastic boat, just to really hammer it home.
  • This takes place in Maryland. I used to do this thing in bars where I insisted that Maryland wasn’t really a state, and ask everyone if they knew anyone from Maryland. More than half the time, no one did, and I would get very self righteous and conspiracy theory-y. It made mediocre bar conversation, but sometimes that’s good enough.
  • I just looked up the actor that plays Danny and his current work is ‘Transexual prostitute in ToY’. I do not know what that movie is, but I suspect that wasn’t what he anticipated back when he he was playing Travolta’s kid.
  • Ooooooh. See, Danny had to hide in that car in the beginning because he just hid in VV’s car when VV went to murder SB, and otherwise that would have made no sense at alllllllll. Good job, writers and producers. He’s not a psychopath, that was just clumsy precedent setting.
  • I wonder if people who have access to crematoriums and kilns and the witch’s oven from Hansel and Gretel are statistically significantly more likely to bump other people off. There’s no good way to answer that question because if so they’re destroying the sample! (I thought that was funny. The wine is totally working.)
  • It’s weird how reasonable it seems that they made the kid go home with his murdering step dad even after he told the police about the murdering thing. This is why you shouldn’t be problem children, kids. You’ll really need to be believed and instead everyone will be all ‘but you kept climbing into the backs of strangers cars ya little psychopath so why should we believe you’.
  • So I was thinking that I’m going to put a deadbolt on the house side of my basement door at the new house, because I’m a scaredy cat and basements are basically exclusively bad news in the entertainment I prefer to consume, and then I was wondering if going into Lowes Depot and asking about something like that gets you put on a ‘I want to lock people in my basement’ list. If so, I bet VV is on that list.
  • Oh oh oh! I figured it out! VV and Travolta always look clammy. That’s the perfect word. Clammy. So gross.
  • “We didn’t do that much talking. And when we weren’t doing that we were watching TV.” I’m going to say that next time anyone asks me something about someone and I don’t know how to answer.
  • The clammy twins are getting aggressive. WHO IS GOING TO WIN? I actually don’t know because I don’t remember the marketing of this movie, it could be one of those dark ones where the bad guy wins. But who am I kidding.
  • “You said that he liked to screw and watch basketball. What team did he root for????” This was immediately followed by a dial up internet pixelated picture of VV next to the word ‘racketeering’.
  • If I turn this off right now, VV will have won. Travolta is unconscious, bleeding, and covered with gasoline. We have so much power as viewers.
  • VV just lit his jacket on fire!!!! Did you hear about the guy who did that while driving home from church one day? He meant to light his cigarette but caught his sleeve? He was pulled over for having an illegal firearm.
  • (Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff)
  • If someone is searching for you in your house, turn on the bathroom light and put a pair of shoes behind the closed door so it looks like someone is standing there. If your house has a bathroom with two doors, this is a surprisingly useful tip.
  • Everyone is fine! Except Vince Vaughn! And his wife, who just miscarried the baby that she and Vince Vaughn created together. Way to take the easy out, writers. Danny and Travolta and Susan would have loved that baby anyway and you just took that away from them because you didn’t want to have to put the ‘your dad was a killer’ talk in the post credit roll.

I finished one! And you couldn’t even tell that I was also making cookies for the people building my house (sucking up? fuck yes)! Maybe one of the clammy twins needs to be in every drink and watch movie I try to increase my odds of success?

let’s drink and watch …

Friday, September 12th, 2014

Watching: Filth.

Thirty seconds in and I’ve already lost track because of the accents.

This bodes well for the evening.

Watching: The Banshee Chapter

Drinking: NoCo

  • Starting with some MK Ultra trivia, I like it, I like it. Especially when it’s delivered by Bill Clinton and people in the dark or with their faces blurred out, old school 60 Minutes style or what have you.
  • Goddamn it the main female character has a British accent. Isn’t that why I turned off Filth? Her goofy face buddy is about to take whatever they gave people during the MK Ultra experiment. On purpose. I’m more likely to get all the way through this movie than this is to end well for him.
  • OH SHIT MAN. That went from eerie to jump scare to fuck me sideways in about eight seconds. If someone tripping on experimental government drugs ever whispers ‘it’s getting closer to the house’ to me, I am out like Neil Patrick Harris.
  • The drugs came from unnamed ‘friends in Colorado’. I’M in Colorado RIGHT NOW! I could be surrounded!
  • Now numbers stations. Does streaming this movie get you put on some kind of watch list? I already streamed it awhile ago but didn’t actually watch (writing? redditing? sleeping?) so I guess it’s too late to worry about that.
  • My general instinct regarding the question ‘did you used to work for the NSA’ is that you do not ask it of anyone ever. Particularly an old fellow who is about to give you directions regarding where to go in the middle of nowhere in the desert to listen to a radio broadcast. Of course, I would also never get out of the car and yell ‘is anyone here’ in the middle of said desert in the deepest dark of the night, so miss protagonist (Anne) and I are at odds about a lot of things.

Guys, I didn’t think this was going to be very scary but it is.

I have nothing but horror movies in my Netflix list.

What is wrong with me.

I mean I love scary movies but I’m alone and I have to take the girls out to pee in awhile and walk around a deserted parking lot and then come back to an empty apartment. THIS IS NO TIME FOR BANSHEE CHAPTER and the like.

I’m just going to watch Veronica Mars again. Have you seen it? You should. Since I already have my wine out, I’d drink and watch this for ya but it would look a lot like this:

  • She said marshmallow! (When we were in the theater watching this we all hollered when that happened, it was awesome.)
  • It’s Carrie Bishop!
  • MR MARS!
  • Oh my god Logan is the WORST.
  • “You should only wear that.”

Etc. Not even as mildly rewarding as my usual chatter.

Speaking of Kickstarter (which I was), I contributed to this and now I have some temporary literary-themed tattoos coming in the mail. Badass.


let’s drink and talk about

Saturday, July 19th, 2014

I just watched The Internship without writing out my thoughts in list form. I apologize for that (sort of), but I have some damn thoughts now. You know, to make up for it.

HBO Go has been showing off about this movie about two old guys who go to Google for a summer long internship program thing. They’ve been showing us (in us I’m including those of us who literally pay for cable just for HBO Go because I don’t even have my cable box hooked up (and it’s not because I can’t figure it out because I fixed my iPhone screen myself you guys!)) previews for ages, and I googled when they’d finally show me the whole movie (googled for real, not a pun) and found out that it was coming online at 6 pm tonight so at 6:03 tonight I was pushing play.

Being a single lady has made me extremely exciting.

First of all, this movie is obviously a commercial for Google. I tried to find out if Google was involved in the making of and couldn’t nail it down, but if they weren’t then Vince Vaughn and the other screenwriter super duper want to work there. Or want to bang the owner. Or something. In summary, two men in their forties (?) get into this summer internship program and bring real life skills to a group that is otherwise comprised entirely of kids who fit into one of many nerd stereotypes. And Google is awesome.

I didn’t like Google when I went there for an interview day thing. The movie has been said to be accurate by actual interns who work there, and based on my very short experience I don’t see any reason to disagree. The movie makes a big deal of the free food and the nap pods. It also acknowledges that people who work there don’t necessarily leave campus, which I found appealingly honest, since everything they offer in the Boulder office seems designed to negate any excuse (other than children) for setting foot outside during … ever. Still, in the movie the jobs at the end are the holy grail. It could be any company, but it’s Google. It’s a real company and Vince Vaughn actually says, “It’s ranked as the number one company in the country to work for”. Owen Wilson actually says, “Picture the greatest amusement park you’ve ever been to as a kid.  Now imagine nothing like it and a million times better”.

Bechdel test wise (two named women talk to each other about something other than a dude), total failure. I’m going to say there are three named female characters, but they sure as hell never talk to each other. Mako Mori test wise (named woman gets her own arc that isn’t in support of a dude’s arc), I’m going to say pass. There’s a girl (used intentionally, she is meant to be a girl) on the main characters’ team who struggles with issues of intelligence and embracing her sexuality and while romance is sort of the climax of her arc it’s not necessarily the whole story. I buy it.

I haven’t even gotten to my main topic yet, btw, so you might want to get up to pee or something. Or get some wine. I’ve had some.

Here’s my thesis. Finally.

Older men are supposed to be disappointed in themselves to be attractive now.

Vince Vaughn’s character has a weird issue where he can’t do anything right all the way to the end. Owen Wilson’s character, when told by Rose Byrne’s character that she ‘didn’t expect to like him’, says ‘I didn’t expect for you to like me either’. The movie gives us a tiny bit of back story on Vince. Terrible credit, house foreclosed on, etc. Nothing at all on Owen. We don’t know what’s back there – failed marriage(s)? Widowed? Perpetually single? Gigantic douchebag for all of his thirties?

The whole movie is about them alternately falling down and shoring each other up.

When I was in ninth grade, I finally got to date Ben. I had been in preteen-love with Ben since I moved to that school district – so, like, TWO YEARS. He’d been in preteen-love with my best friend for awhile in eighth grade and they’d dated and every day had been like a serrated knife doing a tango in my intestines.

Pre-teen love is pretty fucking brutal.

When I was in ninth (actually, maybe tenth?) grade, somehow Ben came around. I think he’d gotten less cool and I’d gotten cooler. Possibly the half shaved head he was rocking had gone out of style. Anyway, the WHOLE TIME (I’m talking weeks here) that we were dating, he would talk about how I was definitely going to leave him because he wasn’t good enough for me.

Then I left him.

It was a lot because it was high school, but it was partially because I was tired of listening to that shit and he sort of convinced me that it was true. He wasn’t good enough for me, dammit. You know who was good enough for me? The kid who was living with his aunt and uncle because he got expelled from his home school district for drugs and fighting!

Ah, high school.

I have this sense that that’s changed, though. It might just be for 35+? But now I think men are sort of expected to state that they’re not good enough. Movies have definitely set the expectation, but I’m perpetuating it. I’m listening to shit from male friends now that fourteen year old Emma would have found vomit worthy. (Fourteen year old Emma pretended to puke a lot.)

If this is an expression of insecurity that men have always had, then I embrace this disclosure. Everyone should be able to tell their friends and romantic partners when they’re feeling like they’re not good enough.

If this is some entertainment pendulum that’s just swinging away from men hiding their emotions, I guess I embrace that too.

It feels like neither, though. It feels like a move on the part of the entertainment industry to bring in more female viewers without actually bringing in more women’s stories. See, if men go through emotional upheaval, then why would we need to cast more women?? Cause what ladies like is the feeeeeelings.

Men having emotional arcs: good. Them doing it at the expense of more fully realized female characters: bullshit.

I don’t have a lot more evidence for this theory, but I’ll collect some and get back to you.




let’s drink and watch

Saturday, July 5th, 2014

Drinking: Stella
Eating (I know that’s not part of it but it is tonight): chicken salad with the dressing from this appetizer as … dressing

Watching: Snitch

Am I going to finish this movie? Probably not. Was I hooked at the description that started ‘Dwayne Johnson is a businessman’ that was superimposed over a picture of him in a button-up looking like he’d just kicked ass? Abso-damn-lutely.

  • Where does someone the size of Dwayne The Rock Johnson (DTRJ) find button up shirts? I think I recently read that his arms are 1000 inches in circumference.
  • You know when someone seems like they’ll be a minor character but you recognize the actor so you just start waiting to see how they’re going to be important? That just happened. I find that irritating but I don’t know how the heck I think screenwriters should get around it.
  • Nothing like a little divorced parent sniping to give you sympathy for the kid that just got arrested for the drug charge. Also, ‘leave him in jail, scare the hell out of him’. DTRJ, you are not coming off as very sympathetic.
  • Imagine going to prison for ten years for being dumb about drugs with your high school friends. It’s not like he’d be able to hang out with Piper. Or like anyone would want to hang out with Piper.
  • DTRJ’s new wife is Sofia from The League! Way to upgrade, Sofia/Analise. DTRJ is like forty Ruxin’s combined and then degreased.
  • I feel like the social commentary of these silly minimum drug sentences is being somewhat mitigated by it being a well off white kid with loving parents. Is the law not still harmful and dumb when it’s a less privileged kid with no family?
  • SUSAN SARANDON. SS, why are you telling DTRJ he can’t help identify dealers to reduce his son’s sentence when we all know that’s the plot of the movie? Did you not see the script?
  • Obligatory black eye at the first prison visit. It seems a little cliche for DTRJ to tell his normally sized son to stand up for himself. He’s not the one with 1000 inch arms, dude. Still not appearing very sympathetic.
  • DTRJ is visiting the wikipedia page for ‘drug cartel’. Realism in Hollywood.
  • Oh, wikipedia convinced him to take the law into his own hands, somehow (and badly at that)! I know I always feel a little more vigilante-y after hitting it up.
  • Boom. Semi-famous actor is back. I would feel smug about calling this if it hadn’t been dumb. See, HE’S really going to be the snitch. I mean, it’s going to take several scenes before he agrees, but what do we think is going to happen, huh? HUH, SNITCH?
  • You know what convinces a dude to snitch? A drug dealer conveniently chatting up the dude’s elementary school age son right after the dude’s boss offers him 20k to identify a, any, drug dealer. What a timely coincidence.
  • I looked away for one (ten) minutes and now DTRJ and semi-famous are going out selling drugs. I assume it’s to nail big dealers but they just talked to a big dealer so I think I might’ve lost the thread here.
  • SS’s assistant: “The liberals think you’re a bitch.” SS: “Maybe I should go to a gay wedding.” Yes, Susan Sarandon, you should go to all of the gay weddings. Just do.
  • I want DTRJ to become a real drug dealer now and to use his real drug dealer connections to make his son a boss in prison. More realistic? Also has DTRJ ever played a bad guy? I can only picture him in these sort of wholesome tough law enforcement roles.
  • How many people learn actual how-to-deal-drugs facts from movies like this and shows like Breaking Bad? It’s obviously not zero, so do law enforcement agencies task someone with watching them to see what all the amateurs are going to be doing? And can I have that job?
  • I watched Miss Congeniality 2 (did you know that was even a thing?) last night and now Benjamin Bratt is in this too. When something shows up repeatedly (twice is a repeat so it counts) like that I sort of think it’s a sign, but I don’t what this could be telling me other than BB shouldn’t have scraggly facial hair. But also no one should have scraggly facial hair.

I am a terrible movie watcher and due to that, this is a terrible recurring feature. I keep thinking I’m going to be better, I’m going to choose the right movie, etc, but then I have a drink or two and want to go to bed and these movies are DUMB.

On the upside, at least I’m not spoiling the endings!

let’s drink and watch

Saturday, June 28th, 2014

The Counselor!!

Because it’s 8:49 on Saturday night, I have a bottle of wine, and HBO is telling me I should by listing it first in ‘available movies’. Also, because Michael Fassbender. And to a lesser extent the four thousand other motherfucking hot people.

Please be aware that while none of the following comments are meant to be enlightening, I do not guarantee that none of them will be spoilers, ok? This is a new movie so in this case if you want to watch it, don’t read this!

  • Penelope Cruz has a very recognizable voice. I did not realize that until just now. Even over the sound of a motorcycle when she’s fully shrouded by a sheet that was just had sex in I can tell it’s her.
  • Does anyone know if Michael Fassbender has a person/wife/girlfriend/whatever?
  • This started not un-dirty. I’m kind of glad I’m alone because there are like four people in the world I could watch this with and not be embarrassed.
  • Side note: my dad just watched The Way of the Gun and realized it has the best first two and a half minutes of any movie ever and now he keeps saying ‘you and your gay uncle’ which is funny to a very specific subset of people. I personally prefer ‘shut that cunt’s mouth or I’ll come over there and fuck start her head’ but that’s just because that literally could not be worse and I love it when I find the worst of something.
  • Is Javier Bardem trying to be scary and ugly now? Is that what’s happening, like Joaquin Phoenix style? And does Cameron Diaz have to have weird eyeliner just to keep up?
  • MF is picking up ‘cautionary diamonds’ and I think I’m supposed to be getting a theme of some kind but all I can think is that the tool he’s using is like a tiny version of one of the old person extendo-arm grabbers.
  • Leopard spot tattoos – so tacky they’re not tacky?
  • Yes.
  • Wait, they go down at least to her butt. No. Tacky.
  • I think everyone in this movie except Penelope Cruz is faking an accent and it’s very distracting.
  • Javier Bardem just described the scariest way of killing someone that I’ve ever heard in my whole life. Even though I know he’s an actor I would run away if I saw him on the street.
  • I love phrases that couples share. I think it’s part of why I like Stephen King so much – he’s good at the internal language of relationships. MF and PC just said ‘I intend to love you until I die’, ‘me first’, ‘not on your life’, and it felt like code.
  • OH MY GOD this is a Cormac McCarthy screenplay. I hate Cormac  McCarthy. Damn it, HBO.
  • Oh hai long haired Brad Pitt in a white suit and Panama hat.
  • See this is what I hate about Cormac McCarthy. The main character is never going to be called anything but ‘counselor’, and he’s a lawyer. So come on, that’s not his name. Just tell his his name. He’s not nameless. We see him. He’s an adult man who knows people. Adults who know people have names.
  • I was literally JUST WONDERING what the hell happened to Rosie Perez. This, apparently. She looks good in jail clothes, they should put her in Season 3 of OITNB.
  • Casual misogyny in the form of joking about prostitution and then implying that her price would be rock bottom. Charming.
  • Pro tip: Sneaking trucks through a road block is easier if they smell terrible, apparently. Actually makes sense, no one likes to smell smelly things (except dogs but they rarely man (dog) (mandog) (dogman) roadblocks).
  • I think I just drifted away for like ten minutes. This movie is slow, but now Cameron Diaz is confessing to a priest and it’s awkward. He’s all ‘I can’t forgive you because you’re not Catholic’ and CD is all ‘it’s fine dude I just want to tell you about my sex life’.

… Guys, someday I’m going to pick a movie and watch the whole thing.

This is not that day or that movie.

Upside, no spoilers for anyone who totally wants to watch a movie written by a dude whose books don’t include quotation marks!