We’re going to talk about sex for a second, ok? Move right along if that’s not something you want to hear about from me.
I was talking to my darling Star today about ‘new’ things in sex. Another girlfriend of mine met someone, and they went out once and liked each other and kissed a little, and afterwards they sent some dirty texts (which was the style at the time).
In those texts, he boasted of something. I’ll have to paraphrase, but essentially he said ‘I do this thing with my mouth that you won’t believe’. She found that sexy and the dirty texts continued and there were more dates and eventually they did end up sleeping together, and afterwards I was like dude seriously what the hell is the mouth thing he does?
IT WAS THE NORMAL MOUTH THING.
He hadn’t reinvented cunnilingus. He hadn’t even taken an interesting twist on it. Apparently he maybe just sort of thought that it was this neat thing that had occurred to him that most women probably hadn’t experienced elsewhere. I guess. I can’t really …. I mean, these aren’t eighteen year olds. We’re talking people in their early or mid thirties. He has probably been having sex for a decade, maybe? Maybe less. I assume he watches porn.
The question being begged is: does he think that putting his mouth on a woman’s ladybits to make her feel nice is NEW, or does he just hope that it’s new to whoever he’s sleeping with?
So Star and I were talking about this. I was trying to imagine something someone could do that would be entirely new to me and also not terrifying or awful, and I couldn’t think of a thing. Maybe a few things are out there, but as Star put it, “It’s not like there are infinite things to do. At some point its just the updated version of the same software.”
Like pie, maybe, right? I mean when pie is good, it’s the BEST. And it means good crust, and good filling, and those crusts and fillings are sort of following the same basic idea they always have. Fat and flour, cooked fruit or pudding and cream. A pie doesn’t have to be surprising to be amazing. I think maybe sex is like pie. You know what’s in it, you just don’t know how good it’s going to be. Maybe, every so often, some cardamom or something will really be beautiful, but … come on. Cinnamon with apples. Rhubarb with strawberry. Good is good. No need to talk about this amazing spice thing you do with your apple pie.