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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for the ‘other people are sometimes funny too’ Category

we’re cool, right?

Wednesday, June 11th, 2014

We’re going to talk about sex for a second, ok? Move right along if that’s not something you want to hear about from me.

I was talking to my darling Star today about ‘new’ things in sex. Another girlfriend of mine met someone, and they went out once and liked each other and kissed a little, and afterwards they sent some dirty texts (which was the style at the time).

In those texts, he boasted of something. I’ll have to paraphrase, but essentially he said ‘I do this thing with my mouth that you won’t believe’. She found that sexy and the dirty texts continued and there were more dates and eventually they did end up sleeping together, and afterwards I was like dude seriously what the hell is the mouth thing he does?


He hadn’t reinvented cunnilingus. He hadn’t even taken an interesting twist on it. Apparently he maybe just sort of thought that it was this neat thing that had occurred to him that most women probably hadn’t experienced elsewhere. I guess. I can’t really …. I mean, these aren’t eighteen year olds. We’re talking people in their early or mid thirties. He has probably been having sex for a decade, maybe? Maybe less. I assume he watches porn.

The question being begged is: does he think that putting his mouth on a woman’s ladybits to make her feel nice is NEW, or does he just hope that it’s new to whoever he’s sleeping with?

So Star and I were talking about this. I was trying to imagine something someone could do that would be entirely new to me and also not terrifying or awful, and I couldn’t think of a thing. Maybe a few things are out there, but as Star put it, “It’s not like there are infinite things to do. At some point its just the updated version of the same software.”

Like pie, maybe, right? I mean when pie is good, it’s the BEST. And it means good crust, and good filling, and those crusts and fillings are sort of following the same basic idea they always have. Fat and flour, cooked fruit or pudding and cream. A pie doesn’t have to be surprising to be amazing. I think maybe sex is like pie. You know what’s in it, you just don’t know how good it’s going to be. Maybe, every so often, some cardamom or something will really be beautiful, but … come on. Cinnamon with apples. Rhubarb with strawberry. Good is good. No need to talk about this amazing spice thing you do with your apple pie.

but WHICH cushion?

Monday, March 25th, 2013

I feel like this is relevant for SO MANY of my friends right now:

A date is the practice of rhetorical formalism, rote interview answers exchanged in fear of falling afoul of our partner’s ideological composition (e.g., I’m not fucking a Republican, an astrologer, a Rutgers grad, a musician, someone who listens to Vampire Weekend) by either over-explaining or repeating the ideological fragments we think will keep a nice happy hour from devolving into a talk radio inquisition (e.g. I canvassed for Obama, I’m a Gemini but I don’t take it seriously, I don’t even know who Vampire Weekend is).

But the whole article is awesome.

I’m a Male Sex Writer – Why Would Anyone Date Me?


Wednesday, March 6th, 2013

This morning I was on my way to work, and I saw something in the sky.

I’m pretty sure that something was an asteroid. I suspect it was carrying aliens, although I have no proof.

I’m serious, you guys. I am so serious that I drew you a picture.

Now, it’s not exactly perfect. For the yellow, imagine cloudy white, and for the red, imagine like a dark bluish shadow in the middle of the cloudy white. (What? I did a presentation for hundreds of people using stick figures one time. This is as good as it gets. Also, the app I used doesn’t have white.)

So, anyway, I was driving down the street and I saw this thing up in the sky at about sixty degrees, and it was moving fast and down. It was falling, basically. I called Crockett and told him to run outside and look, but by the time I’d gotten him properly oriented it was too low.

Then it was gone, and I forgot about it until just now.  However, a brief internet search appears to indicate that Denver hasn’t been invaded, or if it has it’s happening in a very orderly fashion. Probably someone would have mentioned an alien-less asteroid, too, huh?

Basically I have no idea what it was that I saw, but I refuse to believe that it was nothing. (Crockett asked if it was a weather balloon, which means it was definitely aliens.) That’s how they get you. (‘They’ who, Emma? Got me.) We’re all so reasonable all the time, and it allows the amazing to slip under our radar.

Not this time, ‘they’. I saw an asteroid, aliens, or both this morning. Reason be damned.

PS – Someone left a very unhappy comment for me yesterday (they were unhappy, not me). My favorite part was the opening. “I don’t normally read your blog for the same reason I don’t watch reality tv. Your vanity and pretension are so absurdly high that they almost appear scripted. I get that that is somewhat the point of your blog, but I’ve met you in person and sadly life imitates art way too closely. ”


oh the level of genius

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011

My primary complaint – why on earth does this comic not have an RSS feed?



you used to be cool

Sunday, August 28th, 2011

Do you remember when Post Secret was cool?

I used to like it. I have memories of a time when I would remember to check it every Sunday morning, looking forward to the secrets. I bought the book for a friend of mine when he started a new job. I never considered sending in a secret, but when I used to do my sunday best posts (what happened to those, anyone know?) I would frequently use a card from PS.

Now, when I do remember to check, I mostly feel like smacking someone.

I can only think of two reasons that my love for the site might have changed.

Possible reason 1: I am now a terrible person who doesn’t care about the pain (or joy) of others.

Possible reason 2: There are only so many secrets. Frank, the Post Secret collector/editor fellow, must have literally seen every variation on the same six themes.

  • Love.
    Variation 1: I love someone SO MUCH.
    Variation: I/my love cheated. I feel guilty/angry/exhilarated.
    Variation 3: I never told someone I was in love with him or her and now he or she is married/dead.
  • Depression.
    Variation 1: I am depressed and don’t know what to do and might kill myself. (I hate these most of all. It’s SO FREAKING SAD and there’s NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP. Also, do all suicidal people write to PS eventually? There are a lot of these.)
    Variation 2: I was depressed and am all better now. (Awesome, but sort of a smack in the face to variation 1, no?)
  • Happiness.
    Variation 1: I am so happy.
    Variation 2: I used to be happy, and then I got depressed or the person I loved left or died or cheated.
  • Sex.
    1: I like it.
    2: I don’t like it and don’t understand people who do like it.
    3: I totally COULD like it except my partner(s) suck(s).
    4: I do it in some fascinating way I simply must share with Frank. (I think most of these are fabrications.)
    5: I do something that everyone else does too but I am unaware of that and simply must share my completely vanilla sex with Frank.
  • Religion.
    1: God is awesome.
    2: God used to be awesome but now isn’t, which is/isn’t my fault.


I guess I’m just bored. I am interested in the stories of people I don’t know. (Witness all the blogs in my RSS feed.) Postcards are so small, though, and there’s so little room for explanation, that I think it’s hard not to be cliche.

Hm. I’m adding a third choice to the list of possible reasons why I now sort of loathe the site.

1) I’m a horrible person. 2) Secrets are, by the very nature of humanity, repetitive. 3) Frank loves a cliche.

Maybe I should write him a postcard about my dilemma.