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Archive for the ‘really? REALLY?’ Category

New American Cool Girl Finale

Tuesday, November 21st, 2017

I, more often than not, start things with no idea how I’m going to finish them.

Bravery and stupidity definitely look the same from 10000 feet.

Case in point: the beginning was parts 1 and 2. The ending is this.

New America Cool Girl: Finale

If you didn’t read those first two parts, the gist is that women pretend to be different than they are in order to catch men, because quite a bit of a normal woman’s life has been defined as gross or crazy or a thing women should keep to themselves and not bother the menfolk with.

GROUNDBREAKING. This is not the New York Times, guys, so just blllllllppppprrrrr (<- raspberry noise).

My pool of men who talk to me about how they date is a lot smaller than my pool of girlfriends. I’ve never been a woman who makes a lot of dude friends (see classic not-like-most-girls NACG move: ‘most of my friends are guys’-hair toss-cute giggle except the opposite, boys have cooties and don’t belong in my life). However, I can’t imagine that the reaction to the NACG moves is easy on the dudes involved, right? Because #spoiler, dudes are also people, cooties notwithstanding. They might like her/love her/want to see her, and not feel like they can tell her because that’s not an action that society supports for them either. They might feel like a woman who expresses a desire to be together needs to be shut down because the men around them will mock them. I don’t really know, honestly, but it seems like a possibility, right?

Some male blogger, jump in with the 21st Century American Cool Guy?

This is where I get myself into trouble. I have no solutions except to suggest every individual be more honest when they interact with someone they wanna smoosh their parts against. God knows most of us can’t do that. We lie to ourselves so much we could do it for a living, there’s no way we can become more honest with other people.

Alternately, we could put the four self actualized people who were raised in totally gender free environments in charge of all media. Well, two of them in charge of media, two of them on call at all times to answer a help line for us all to call?

Bad ending, I’m sorry. I am. I wish the answer to why shouldn’t I be a NACG and how can I stop was: because it’s not you and just do, but it’s not. The whole thing is exhausting, right? I’m going to take a 8-12 hours nap and maybe tomorrow I’ll have something? Or maybe I’ll write a review of You’re the Worst. Maybe I’ll review GPaltrow’s Goop gift recommendations like last year. We’ll find out together. (When I walked into yoga this afternoon my teacher asked how I was, then I asked how she was, and she said “in the flow of the day”. Tomorrow we’ll be in the flow of the blog. Namaste, guys.)

new american cool girl (part 1)

Friday, November 17th, 2017

Full credit for all of this, of course, goes to Gillian Flynn, yeah? You remember, from Gone Girl (book or movie):

Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding…Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl.

The full monologue covers a lot more, but holy shit did this resonate with my general cohort when we caught wind of it. Because, yes. This expectation is not nearly as much of a joke as it probably sounds like if you’re either dating or friends with daters.

I talk to my friend J- about this a lot. I may, in fact, have angrily accused her of being the New American Cool Girl more than once and over text, she thinks I’m complimenting her.

Here’s the problem. The heroine of Gone Girl is a fucking psychopath, and she thinks that all women are like her. In her monologue, the underlying (and stated) assumption is that Cool Girls are pretending to be what men want. Why? For some … unknown reason. She herself pretended to be the cool girl when she met the guy she’s married to in the books, but she’s very iffy on why. To get him to love her, obviously, but what was the end game? In her case it was a long con that involved faking her own death, but in the case of a normal woman what does buying into the cool girl mythology actually earn us? Is it a sitcom marriage where we’re mad at our husbands for thinking they were marrying the cool girl? Super.

The expectation is so accurate (overstated, but accurate) that the problem of motive has gone largely unaddressed.

Here’s my version, so cleverly titled.

New American Cool Girl

The difference between the Gone Girl Cool Girl and the NACG? NACGs FUCKING KNOW BETTER.

For the NACG it’s not about seeing what a man wants and molding herself to fit that, for some future potential payoff (in the form of a diamond and/or a faked murder?) It’s about the unconscious and unavoidable sublimation of the feminine due to the misogynistic training we all, men and women alike, receive our entire lives.

Yeah.

I see it all the time, and every time I see it I get meaner about it. It’s amazing any of my single girlfriends still talk to me. Especially since if you asked Crockett, I probably did plenty of it myself.

I admit, I’m have perhaps swung further in the opposite direction than most women want or need to go. Example: last night, I was at a beer+yoga event in Denver. With yetis. Life is strange. After the class, there were contests, and a woman won the first (which happened to be headstands). The dude who was on the mat next to her, and got beat by her, walked by J- and I afterwards and said to a friend ‘I can’t believe a female won’. J- literally straightarmed me like we were in a crashing car and said NO, because the woman I am now may or may not lecture that dude on a whooooole variety of things. Starting with how dehumanizing it is to refer to a woman as a female.

But my personal crank levels aside, there are behaviors that smart women who know better still engage in because we just. cannot. help. ourselves. We’re the NACGs and we know better, and yet.

That should, hopefully, be part 2.

 

as we know it

Wednesday, November 15th, 2017

You guys ever look around and go, oh, right. This.

So many people shooting people. A misogynistic, racist, trans- and homo- and just generally phobic tiny-handed trash fire trying to start a war every time someone lets him near his phone. An truly horrifying amount of middle aged white men using tiny-hands as justification to make all of their selfish bullshit into laws.

I just. Cry a lot, honestly.

Did you know there’s an Amazon Dash Button that sends you a box of surprise sweet snacks every time you feel like you need it? I learned about it from another blogger who ran over her button (who knows how) and replaced it asap.

My button came in the mail today. Fortunately, no matter how many times you push the button, they only send you one box of sweets at a time. So, for a randomly chosen example, if the day you get the button you make the mistake of really just diving into the news and you push it 1074 times in four minutes, you still only get one box.

We’ll see. It’s self indulgent, and likely unhealthy, but – I kind of like it. I like the idea that when something is just UGGGGHHH I can push a button and know I just did something nice for two-days-from-now Emma. I don’t know what two days from now will look like, but lets hope the number of new tragedies is at, like, a bare minimum, and the number of delicious candies in my face is at an all time high, yeah?

the doorknob

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

The house is brand new. I have a whole category about it.

And recently, I can’t open the front door from the inside.

The door has a deadbolt but no doorknob lock, so don’t go thinking that’s it. (I mean, don’t put it beyond to me to repeatedly try and open a locked door – that’s the first thing I’d expect as well. In this case, though, physically impossible.) It’s just, sometimes, the doorknob refuses to be turned. It’s kind of like someone is holding it from the other side, but the other side is one of those press down latch things.

It has to be a house pressure-change thing, right?

Important to the theory that’s coming: weird men have been knocking on the door in the afternoons I’ve been home. I haven’t *answered* the door, because they are weird men and I’m a woman smaller than a Great Dane, but … they’ve been here. I sort of think they’ve been politicians cause it’s that time of year, but one was wearing a bright blue satin jacket and was the height of the whole door. The height he can’t help. but the jacket would be an off brand choice for a local politician, yeah?

So, my working theory is that I have a ghost and he’s protecting me from the strange men by holding the door shut.

(I didn’t say it was a good theory. If it is a ghost, the fact that he doesn’t understand that I can also leave through the back door or the garage means he’s kind of a busted one.)

Crockett is almost never here or awake when I’m trying to go out the front door (dog walks, mostly), so my problem is unsubstantiated. He actually is able to leave through the front door. So … something is wrong with either my house or my ghost. I’m not sure which I prefer.

exes and oh’s

Monday, November 6th, 2017

I was talking to Star a little bit ago about… something. Something I wanted to bake? Possibly how I wanted to make apple cake during Rosh Hashanah but it seemed disingenuous, somehow? And she said, and I quote (loosely because it was at least a month ago and what do you want from me, a perfect memory or the willingness to check my gchat logs?):

Pinterest has made that irrelevant anyway.

*Quickquick, before you accuse Star of cultural appropriation, she is actually Jewish. Not Seinfeld’s dentist Jewish, either. And Mexican. She calls herself a JewJewBean and is obviously a hilarious person.*

But.

Is Pinterest just a secret bastion of cultural appropriation for Christian white girls? (Hellllo hyperbole.)

Look, I like Pinterest. I do. I’m not great at returning to my own pins, but I love the ease of marking something. I have boards called ‘want to wear’, ‘STEM fashion’, ‘mmmmmmm’, ‘purdy places’, ‘stuff and nonsense’, ‘BANGS BANGS BANGS’, and more, and I pin new things a few times a week at least.

But.

Like, think about the people with the colonial wedding. Or Paula Deen and her plantation wedding. Or Julianne Hough and her blackface Halloween costume.

When I started at my current job, I made hamantaschen around Purim and took them into the office. It was just sort of residual from years of celebrating all the holidays with M- and working at a Jewish owned bakery in Boulder (SO MUCH apple cake, honey cake, challah… ugh, I’m hungry now). Then I chatted with someone in the stairs who saw them and told me about the differences between the recipes his mom and his wife used, and I felt … inappropriate appropriation. In a whole different way than the colonial wedding people, because a) cookies are good and b) there’s no obvious indicators when looking at me that I was borrowing baked goods from the holiday of another culture, but that almost felt worse. I felt like I was misleading this very nice man, somehow, and I haven’t made anything more culturally significant than cupcakes for the office since.

But, Pinterest. The cookie thing was significant for me because I came face to face with someone whose personal history included these cookies. Pinterest is an echo chamber of white women. Mostly with at least some college, mostly of working age. My gut from being actually *on* Pinterest (and the overwhelming dedication to Christmas and Easter) says mostly of Christian backgrounds, although I’m not finding any research to confirm or deny.

So, if someone pins something from outside that world that’s a little iffy (say, a geisha halloween costume), who is going to point out the ways that might be problematic the way they would on Tumblr or Insta? Instead, people are going to pin it to their own boards. Everyone will think ‘other people are pinning it, it’s fine’.

I’ve talked myself into Star’s opinion. In the world of Pinterest, people don’t ask if things are ok – if they’re repinned, they are and can be transferred to the real life suburb in which they originated. If they’re not, they were probably lame anyway.

I didn’t make the apple cake around Rosh Hashanah, but if I make one now, is it just cake? I’ll ask … Reddit. Those white boys love to tell people when they’re doing something wrong.