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emmanation

You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Archive for the ‘sharing the load’ Category

femistuff-n-stuff

Thursday, October 6th, 2011

I’m not guaranteeing all of this is timely – but it’s been kicking around, and I’ve been meaning to share it, so … here.

Americans work a lot, and women spend four times as many minutes cooking and cleaning up food as men.

There’s a lot of new TV by and about girls. Sadly, very little of it is awesome. (I do like The New Girl, but Whitney is blah (although it did get picked up for a full season). Two Broke Girls is possibly the worst thing I’ve seen in the last five years.)

And if I needed a reason other than The New Girl to admire Zooey Deschanel (which I don’t, because she’s just so … SO), this quote would do it: The fact that people are associating being girlie with weakness – that needs to be examined.

TERRIBLE TEE SHIRTS: Too pretty for homework, allergic to algebra, and a so-terrifying ‘why I raped you’ shirt that I would refuse to link to if Topman hadn’t already pulled it.

“The [burglars] were foiled at their 30th intended home by a lion. Like an actual lion. Police have been unable to find said lion and have repeatedly questioned the girls about the probability that it was actually just a very large dog, not a lion. The girls insist it was a lion.”

The House Labor, Health, and Human Services Appropriations Subcommittee drafted legislation (pdf) that would entirely defund Planned Parenthood (mentioned BY NAME), and withhold funding from Title X and NPR. Awesome plan, guys.

This well designed study concludes that people trust women less when they have no makeup on.

There you go. The current state of sometimes-it’s-hard-to-be-a-girl.

 

things for this week

Monday, July 25th, 2011

Spilled Milk podcast

About them: Here at Spilled Milk headquarters, we combine food and comedy in a bowl and stir it up until it explodes. Join your jovial (possibly too jovial) hosts, Molly and Matthew, for recipes, cooking tips, winning lotto numbers, and catfights. Spilled Milk has not been evaluated by theFDA and is not intended to treat any disease, but just between you and me, it probably cures chlamydia.

Chlamydia, people. This is comedy gold.

 

Lubec, Maine

As you can see from the sign, Lubec is as far east as you can get in the United States. Of course, Canada is just across the Quoddy Narrows.

I’m pretty sure this is the kind of place that rejects you if you aren’t 17th generation or if you accidentally say ‘Quoddy’ wrong.

I kind of want to move there and make friends with some old men and eat a lot of lobster rolls.

 

Hunting Arrows

Who knew that arrows following your mouse around a screen could be so purdy?

 

Emma’s unite:

I couldn’t find this image on his website, but according to alphadesigner.com, Emma and Maria are the names to beat. He’s got a bunch of other maps too.

 

Words. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011

There are words that mean terrible things that I find charming because they’re old-fashioned.

Expediter.

Racketeering.

You?

an ode to television and laziness

Thursday, April 21st, 2011

I’m sick. Please enjoy this post that I wrote almost a year ago for The Road More Travelled.

When we were younger, my girlfriend Laura and I each bet our parents that we could go an entire year without watching television*. Our friend (I use the word loosely – I should say ‘our ridiculously cute classmate who has now gone nowhere with his life but who once accidentally put his arm around my waist-which-was-bigger-back-then and that’s all I remember about him’) Matt had done , it with his parents the year before, and we were never the kind of girls to back off from a challenge.

We bet them $500. Of course, a bet would have required she and I paying out if we hadn’tsucceeded, so it wasn’t so much a bet as it was them paying us for not watching television.

$500.

Holy shit, people. That is a lot of scrilla for a 14 year old. Hell, that’s not an insignificant amount of money to me now.

We survived because we really wanted the money and because we had each other. When I recently experimented with veganism it reminded me of nothing so much as our tv-less year – you don’t realize how much you’ll be left out until you actually try it. Sure, you can listen while other people talk about shows. We were allowed to go to movies, but without seeing the previews we didn’t know what was available so we rarely did. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective came out that year, and can you imagine how fucking ridiculous that movie sounded to girls who hadn’t seen the previews?

“No, guys, he puts his HEAD in the rhino’s BUTT!”

“Uhhh…..”

“Trust us, it’s funny.”

At that point, they’d turn away and Laur and I would be chatting with each other, as usual.

_______

Now, I don’t know what I would do without television. Anytime I’m home, the TV is on. I don’t listen to music, I don’t ‘enjoy the silence’. (HA. Like THAT’S a real thing.)

The TV is my friend. I’m not always watching it. Hell, I’m probably not even usually watching it. I like the noise and I like that there are stories going on, even if I’m not catching anything but the high points. I like that there are pretty people on a big screen in my living room.

Also?

When someone says “Have you seen the trailer for that new movie? God, it looks horrible!” I can always say “Yes. Yes I have.”

TV, I’m sorry I did that to you, and I thank you for being here for me now. It would take a lot more than $500 for me to leave you behind for a year.

$1000, at least.


read this and die…

Friday, February 13th, 2009

The below post is the long awaited guest blog of the tiniest sprinter, otherwise known as my awesome little brother. Fair warning: I shot coffee out my nose while reading this because it is THAT fucking hilarious.

burger

holy shit you guys, it’s a baby dressed up like a hamburger!

ok, now that i’ve got your attention, allow me to introduce myself:

it is i, emma, no waitmarilyn manson, no,  charles manson, charlie brown, bobby brown, bobby from bobby’s world, the tiniest sprinter!  as promised – a very long time ago - my big sis and i are taking a crack at this whole guest blog thing.  as i type this*, big sis is no doubt filling my blog with all sorts of slander or libel (i can’t be bothered to remember which is which), so i am left with the daunting task of choosing how to retaliate.  what’s that you say?  i should post embarrassing pictures i took of her during her visit to portland?  i like your way of thinking, dear reader, and while there was (were?) certainly many an embarrassing photo op, i don’t know the whereabouts of my crappy little camera, so no photographic evidence exists…  shit, son.  maybe instead of stooping to her level, i should take the high road and just detail all of the great things we did together and saw together while she was out here?  yeah, i think that’s boring too, plus i was drunk as a skunk for much of her stay, so i’m not sure i could remember everything anyways.

huh.

what’s a sprinter to do?

freestyle, bitch, that’s what.

rapper

i’m so fresh it hurts

yes, today, i will set forth upon my blogging adventure with no map and no particular destination, and see where i end up.  here goes:

so emma’ s airplane touched down at about 8 on thursday night, and after i picked her up there was this big wacky mixup at the parking fee booth and we didn’t have our ticket and this guy was like “you guys fucked up big time, and now i gotta make things weird” and…  shit, emma already wrote about that, huh?

think, sam, think.

think.  ink.  link. brink. clink. drink.

a drink sounds nice…  no!  stay focused!

so…  freesylin’ isn’t working out so well for me, maybe you could tell.  new plan:  i’m gonna go away for 15, put on my thinking cap, and come back with a topic, dammit.  so long, see you in a few.

——–tick————–8===D———tock———–(.)(.)———————-

and i’m back!  i have decided that since both of our blogs tend to be less topical, and instead read more like journals, i will give all you readers (and i do mean all, because my sis gets like an order of magnitude more views per day than me, which is total bs)  a little insight into the inner workings of the best looking brother/sister combo to ever grace the pacific northwest.  yes, what follows is a list of the things i learned about emma/sam that i think are 100% blog-worthy:

1)  as previously mentioned just a few sentences ago, we’re very good looking.  our parents had some killer looks when they were our age, so it doesn’t really come as surprise to me, but i do tend to forget about just how much of the good stuff our family got handed until we’re together.  everywhere we went, strangers stared and stared, with a twinkle in their eyes and awe smeared across their faces.  at one point, somebody driving a car actually crashed into a telephone pole because he/she couldn’t tear his/her eyes away, true story (not true).

2)  when people see a fantastic looking boy and a fantastic looking girl, i think they probably assume that they are dating.  i know that’s what my first thought would be.  well, several times while big sis was here, folks at the fine establishments that we visited treated us in a way that, to me, seemed to suggest that this was the conclusion they had come to, and i tell you what, that horrified me to my very core.  i guess all this beauty comes at a cost…

3)  i cuss a lot (because it’s really awesome) and while emma was out visiting, imagine my joy when i discovered she has a mouth like a sailor too!  between the two of us, the fuck word was stated/mumbled/shouted/etc. as a mono-syllable sentence probably three thousand times at least, and it was no doubt used as an adjective over eleven thousand times!

4)  on my own blog, i have made several references to my hilarious (for me) habit of turning into a stubborn butthole when i get sleepy.  hey guess what? like brother like sister!  that’s a real saying, look it up.  while the big sis was out here a’visitin’, pretty much every night ended the same: whiskey and coffee, shitty movies, and her falling asleep half way through, only to get super-fresh when i suggest that she wake up because it’s only 9:30.  one time she made me set an alarm so she could get 4 more minutes of sleep and she promised she’d get up after that, and i set it for 6 just to be nice, then she wigged out when the alarm went off!  another time she kinda took a swing at me when i tried to take her glasses off for her so she wouldn’t bend them up.  god it must be awesome being my shorty, and dealing with this stuff from me day after day!

5)  us kids are both pretty-damned opinionated, sober.  however, when drunk, it’s like somebody turned our knobs from ‘pretty-damned’ up to ‘super-damned’.  it’s brazy (that’s “crazy” to all you non-bloods) the kind of weird crap that we both have extremely firm viewpoints on, and it’s even brazier (that’s “crazier” to all you non-bloods) how long we can argue about said weird crap.  at times, i felt truly awful for my girlfriend, who had to sit through all of it.  not awful enough to stop though, the urge to argue and shout opinions was too strong….

6)  we both have moustaches.

emma

7)  i’m getting tired of typing, and my tiny fingers need some rest!

so folks, that there is  how i chose to use my guest-blogging opportunity.  i rambled on an on for a while, drew some dirty pictures with keyboard characters, and then made a disappointingly short list of similarities between me and my sister that i learned about or was reminded of while she was visiting…  i hope you didn’t die from all the excitement!  and if you did, i hope somebody finds you before you make a big mess on the carpet!

anyways, i’m getting cranky i think, it must be my bedtime.  please don’t take that decomposing on the carpet comment too seriously, i’m sure you all have loved ones or landlords who would find you long before it came to that.  with that said, sweet dreams to all you readers out there in internet land!

xoxo,

the tiniest sprinter

*i did, in fact, type that first part while emma was writing up something for my blog, but then instead of finishing it in a timely fashion, i pulled my lame card and made excuses for about 2 weeks.  go me!