The below post is the long awaited guest blog of the tiniest sprinter, otherwise known as my awesome little brother. Fair warning: I shot coffee out my nose while reading this because it is THAT fucking hilarious.
holy shit you guys, it’s a baby dressed up like a hamburger!
ok, now that i’ve got your attention, allow me to introduce myself:
it is i, emma, no wait, marilyn manson, no, charles manson, charlie brown, bobby brown, bobby from bobby’s world, the tiniest sprinter! as promised – a very long time ago - my big sis and i are taking a crack at this whole guest blog thing. as i type this*, big sis is no doubt filling my blog with all sorts of slander or libel (i can’t be bothered to remember which is which), so i am left with the daunting task of choosing how to retaliate. what’s that you say? i should post embarrassing pictures i took of her during her visit to portland? i like your way of thinking, dear reader, and while there was (were?) certainly many an embarrassing photo op, i don’t know the whereabouts of my crappy little camera, so no photographic evidence exists… shit, son. maybe instead of stooping to her level, i should take the high road and just detail all of the great things we did together and saw together while she was out here? yeah, i think that’s boring too, plus i was drunk as a skunk for much of her stay, so i’m not sure i could remember everything anyways.
what’s a sprinter to do?
freestyle, bitch, that’s what.
i’m so fresh it hurts
yes, today, i will set forth upon my blogging adventure with no map and no particular destination, and see where i end up. here goes:
so emma’ s airplane touched down at about 8 on thursday night, and after i picked her up there was this big wacky mixup at the parking fee booth and we didn’t have our ticket and this guy was like “you guys fucked up big time, and now i gotta make things weird” and… shit, emma already wrote about that, huh?
think, sam, think.
think. ink. link. brink. clink. drink.
a drink sounds nice… no! stay focused!
so… freesylin’ isn’t working out so well for me, maybe you could tell. new plan: i’m gonna go away for 15, put on my thinking cap, and come back with a topic, dammit. so long, see you in a few.
and i’m back! i have decided that since both of our blogs tend to be less topical, and instead read more like journals, i will give all you readers (and i do mean all, because my sis gets like an order of magnitude more views per day than me, which is total bs) a little insight into the inner workings of the best looking brother/sister combo to ever grace the pacific northwest. yes, what follows is a list of the things i learned about emma/sam that i think are 100% blog-worthy:
1) as previously mentioned just a few sentences ago, we’re very good looking. our parents had some killer looks when they were our age, so it doesn’t really come as surprise to me, but i do tend to forget about just how much of the good stuff our family got handed until we’re together. everywhere we went, strangers stared and stared, with a twinkle in their eyes and awe smeared across their faces. at one point, somebody driving a car actually crashed into a telephone pole because he/she couldn’t tear his/her eyes away, true story (not true).
2) when people see a fantastic looking boy and a fantastic looking girl, i think they probably assume that they are dating. i know that’s what my first thought would be. well, several times while big sis was here, folks at the fine establishments that we visited treated us in a way that, to me, seemed to suggest that this was the conclusion they had come to, and i tell you what, that horrified me to my very core. i guess all this beauty comes at a cost…
3) i cuss a lot (because it’s really awesome) and while emma was out visiting, imagine my joy when i discovered she has a mouth like a sailor too! between the two of us, the fuck word was stated/mumbled/shouted/etc. as a mono-syllable sentence probably three thousand times at least, and it was no doubt used as an adjective over eleven thousand times!
4) on my own blog, i have made several references to my hilarious (for me) habit of turning into a stubborn butthole when i get sleepy. hey guess what? like brother like sister! that’s a real saying, look it up. while the big sis was out here a’visitin’, pretty much every night ended the same: whiskey and coffee, shitty movies, and her falling asleep half way through, only to get super-fresh when i suggest that she wake up because it’s only 9:30. one time she made me set an alarm so she could get 4 more minutes of sleep and she promised she’d get up after that, and i set it for 6 just to be nice, then she wigged out when the alarm went off! another time she kinda took a swing at me when i tried to take her glasses off for her so she wouldn’t bend them up. god it must be awesome being my shorty, and dealing with this stuff from me day after day!
5) us kids are both pretty-damned opinionated, sober. however, when drunk, it’s like somebody turned our knobs from ‘pretty-damned’ up to ‘super-damned’. it’s brazy (that’s “crazy” to all you non-bloods) the kind of weird crap that we both have extremely firm viewpoints on, and it’s even brazier (that’s “crazier” to all you non-bloods) how long we can argue about said weird crap. at times, i felt truly awful for my girlfriend, who had to sit through all of it. not awful enough to stop though, the urge to argue and shout opinions was too strong….
6) we both have moustaches.
7) i’m getting tired of typing, and my tiny fingers need some rest!
so folks, that there is how i chose to use my guest-blogging opportunity. i rambled on an on for a while, drew some dirty pictures with keyboard characters, and then made a disappointingly short list of similarities between me and my sister that i learned about or was reminded of while she was visiting… i hope you didn’t die from all the excitement! and if you did, i hope somebody finds you before you make a big mess on the carpet!
anyways, i’m getting cranky i think, it must be my bedtime. please don’t take that decomposing on the carpet comment too seriously, i’m sure you all have loved ones or landlords who would find you long before it came to that. with that said, sweet dreams to all you readers out there in internet land!
the tiniest sprinter
*i did, in fact, type that first part while emma was writing up something for my blog, but then instead of finishing it in a timely fashion, i pulled my lame card and made excuses for about 2 weeks. go me!