There are cows outside my apartment (if you’re friends with me on facebook or instagram this comes as no surprise to you, because I’m sort of obsessed with them, and Aggie is too, and I’m more than sort of obsessed with how obsessed Agnes is with them).
Tonight the cows are being especially awesome.
First, I think some of them have penises, which confuses me because … I am not a farmer and I sort of thought whenever you saw a bunch of cows in a field they were ladies. Perhaps some of them just have penis shaped milk jugs? It’s unclear. I tried to look it up but when the ‘how to’ guide used the words polled and homed like that was a thing everyone should know I moved on. Anyway, despite the possible penis sighting I’m going to pretend they’re all of the lady persuasion.
Second, many of them are very unladylike and it’s fascinating.
My two favorites are:
- The yeller! I’ve named her Audrey II, for reasons that are unclear even to me. The original Audrey II was pretty loud, I guess? So when I first went outside she was mooing as loudly as possible while walking away from all her friends. They have a pretty big field, and tonight they’re all in the section closest to me. Audrey II went to the opposite corner and hollered the whole way there. I sort of thought she was lost or confused, but then she turned around and came back and didn’t shut up. When she hit the group again, she took a very large cow poo and stopped with the mooing for a second, but then started up again. No idea what she’s complaining about but it sounds important and I respect her dedication to being heard. She did get a headbutt to the side (that failed to shut her up) when she got a little too close to…
- The meanie. I’ve named her Edna, because that’s a serious business name for a serious business cow. She’s brown and the biggest and she’s closest to the path. She’s also not taking any shit from anybody. She headbutted Audrey II because … I don’t know, and also another black one because I don’t know. She’s one of three brown cows, and in writing this out I’m starting to suspect that she’s a little racist. Perhaps she’s not one of my favorites.
- Actual second favorite: the babies. BABY COWS. They’re definitely bigger than me, but they’re new this year and I’ve been watching them grow. I don’t know what they did today, but it must have been hard because for dinner they all laid down in the grass and took bites while fully prone. I swear I saw one of them chew while sleeping.
It’s a thrilling life I lead here, y’all.