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with a vengeance

Monday, February 6th, 2012

I subscribe to Marie Claire magazine. I had a whole bunch of expiring frequent flyer points and no plans to travel, so used them to subscribe to Marie Claire, Harper’s Baazar, W, and The Economist. I have yet to actually read The Economist, but I like that it comes to our house with my name on the front.

I like Marie Claire. In this issue, I got to read a pre break-down interview with Demi Moore as well as a semi-fluffy profile of Nikki Haley (Republican South Carolina governor, possible 2016 presidential nominee). I also got to see some pretty clothes on some pretty people. It’s generally a win-win. Sure, the ‘money matters’ section did offer the tip that marrying for money is ‘then’ and being your own breadwinner is ‘now’. (Their definition of ‘now’ is apparently pretty flexible.) I had to read the article about the amazing autistic artist who wasn’t diagnosed for some time because autism is more easily diagnosed in males (due to social preconceptions) to avoid throwing the magazine.

The second to last article in this issue (Feb 2012) is called Single Bridezillas. Here’s a sample:

… Ruth, a 38-year-old Barnard graduate [ed: is this Marie Claire code for lesbian? It's not clear] turned lawyer, is actively planning her wedding despite the fact that she’s single. “When I was 22, I bought two ring settings: one for a large diamond and a backup setting for a smaller diamond,” she says. “I’ve also purchased a vintage wedding gown… My dream is to have a wedding as magical as – don’t laugh – the one in Twilight: Breaking Dawn…. I feel pressured to get engaged, and it makes me fantasize about the kind of wedding I want someday.”

Twilight reference aside (I haven’t seen the movie and for all I know the wedding is breathtaking and the woman isn’t just a big Edward fan), I found this entire statement heartbreaking. Here is a presumably successful woman who is spending time actively purchasing things for a wedding to a person that she has not yet met. Of all of the goals she could be planning towards, that is one that she feels strongly enough about to be quoted in a magazine.

Further along in the article, the author mentions a board on the website TheKnot.com, a wedding planning website.

The board is called ‘Not Engaged Yet’.

This was the point at which I sputteringly read this whole thing out loud to Crockett. I finished with, “It’s just so sad that the wedding industrial complex is profitting from these woman who are socially cued to think this is the most important thing they can be doing.”

Crocket said, “Wedding Industrial Complex?”

I explained that weddings are a ~$160 billion/year business, we moved on, and I opened up The Knot to search for the message board. Sure enough, it exists, and is basically what it purports to be – a place for women who are not engaged but want to plan their weddings to chat with and support each other. (Today they also seemed to be really into cutting a hole in a piece of bread and sticking a cat’s head through it as well, which doesn’t really help counteract any single lady stereotypes, but to each her own.)

I don’t blame these women for wanting what they want. Not knowing the details of their situations, I can’t even blanket them with the assumption that the WIC, with some help from Disney, made them this way.

I once read that the average woman thinks about her weight and what she has and should do to affect that weight several times per hour. Accordingly, the average woman is hungry more often than the average man, because she is aware of the impact of consumption. The article suggested that women, overall, would be more successful if they could stop stressing about being fat. (Problematic, yes, but not the topic at hand.)

If that is in fact even sort of true, what does planning a wedding that isn’t an actual wedding doing? I have known women while they worked with their fiances to plan weddings, and it’s serious business. Even if you’re doing it without a deadline, it can’t be easy. Is it a hobby, like knitting, or is it an actual distraction from the things they could be doing?

People of my generation are getting married later and less frequently, and the Marie Claire article suggests that now that marriage is a ‘choice’ for woman, we’ve romanticized it more than ever before. If that’s the case, though, where are the ‘not engaged yet’ marriage boards for men? Weddings have always been in the bride’s domain, and whether that’s right or not, a wedding is clearly not about marriage if the plan is in place before the groom is identified.

Along with a perfect body, a perfect wedding seems to be something that we, as young(ish) woman, are told we should have; and apparently we’re going after it, even if we’re missing that crucial detail of who is on the end of the aisle.

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pink and red

Friday, February 3rd, 2012

I can’t say anything about the Susan G. Komen Foundation’s clearly political decision to defund Planned Parenthood that hasn’t already been said better by someone else. Those links outline the hypocrisy in the Foundation’s stated reason for defunding and the (depressing) state of women’s healthcare that makes Planned Parenthood so necessary in the first place.

Now, though, I am both disgusted by and embarrassed for Komen. To defund was ridiculous. To reinstate, with bullshit explanations, was the right call but poorly done. The statement Komen released effectively says ‘god, guys, fine. We didn’t do anything wrong, but if you’re going to get all sensitive about it we’ll take it back. For now, anyway.’

I have a pink stand mixer. And pink license plates. I acknowledge that I bought them more because I was going through a pink phase and liked that I could justifty pinkness with some social cred. I’ve since learned that the marketing surrounding pink is actually not particularly helpful when it comes to altering people’s behavior with regard to breast cancer. In other words, perhaps more people bought pink stuff because they were like me when I bought my mixer. I don’t do regular breast exams (yes, I am aware that I should). I don’t walk or run for ‘the cure’. I don’t talk to my friends about their risk factors for breast cancer. I do have a pink mixer and pink license plates, and honestly? I’m not even sure that there was a charitable donation associated with those purchases. I think there was, but I would, wouldn’t I?

Komen’s foundation didn’t make their decision with the highest emphasis on the health of women, but neither did I when I brought pink things into my life.

I am holding them to a higher standard than I hold myself, and that makes me feel bad – but then I remember that I’m not a charity and I feel better.

I just want good things to happen for women, and I want the organizations that purport to be for women to want the same thing.

Maybe I’ll start buying red stuff instead.

 

 

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‘Real Men’

Monday, October 17th, 2011

There are these things that enter my conciousness, even though they really really don’t belong there, and fester.

Everything ever from AskMen.com is one of those things.

Why, oh why, do their articles always start with something that ‘real men’ do or do not do?

In question today is a detestable list of drinks that real men do not order. (Don’t feel like you have to click on it – I’m going to cover the high points.)

The number one reason that real men shouldn’t order certain drinks is, obviously, beccause they’re for ladies. And real men and ladies have absolutely nothing in common. Real men are ALL MAN – if they had any part lady, they’d be… fake men. (Right? I wish AskMen were here to explain this to me.)

The list actually doesn’t start with something that obviously is a lady trait – it begins with not ordering a drink you can’t pronounce. The implication being that real men never admit in public that they’re lacking any kind of knowledge. Why? Probably because that’s a sign of weakness. And you know who’s weak? The ladies. They can ask for ‘Lap-hrog’ all they want. Of course, they won’t. Because ladies don’t drink scotch.

Malibu and Diet Coke are also forbidden – because, “Diet Coke is a soda for weight-concious administrative assistants”. What’s that  you say? You’re male and weight conscious? Or male and an administrative assistant? Or you like diet coke? Half man. At best.

Off the list without explanation of why they’re unmanly – peach schnapps and anything that ends in -tini that doesn’t start with mar. In this case, I think the authors are criticizing the drinks themselves rather than a man who dares drink them, and that’s fine. Carry on.

But then. Thing you can never order No. 6 – ‘what she’s having’. The only exception is scotch on the rocks.

By her sheer ladyness, your lady has essentially estrogened all over whatever drink she ordered. Just by touching it, she has de-manlied it. Wine? Beer? A gin and tonic? Whatever it is, the taint of a woman enjoying it means you, you real man you, are no longer cleared for consumption.

No. 5? “Whatever you want.” The explanation? “This is a valid point, despite the fact that it goes against the entire thrust of this list.” I feel like they threw this in there just to ruin the momentum of my rage.

Back to off the list: Sex on the Beach (only appropriate for sorority girls, who are not people that we should respect, obviously), anything that comes in a bottle that isn’t beer (hard lemonade is for men who don’t know how to wield a martini shaker or, you know, women), and a Cosmopolitan (knew that was coming).

Why no Cosmos? They “go down too easy for comfort”.

Let’s look at what we’ve learned. Real men:

  • Either know everything or must pretend that they do.
  • Are never overweight or can’t watch their calories in public places, if that’s something they do.
  • Do not work as assistants in offices.
  • Cannot order something that is already in the hand of a woman at his table.
  • Are not in any way allowed to overlap in taste with sorority girls (I feel like AskMen probably allows for liking the girls themselves, though – just a hunch).
  • Don’t drink things that don’t involve some kind of creation.
  • Musn’t order things that are too enjoyable. Real men work for their buzz.

The corollary, here, is that doing any of these things means you’re either a lady or a fake man:

  • Acknowledging a desire to try something that’s new to you.
  • Being health conscious.
  • Being employed as an admin.
  • Drinking something you enjoy, regardless of who ordered it first, who the typical drinker is, or whether or not it came out of a bottle.

Why does a website exist whose purpose seems to be telling men that there are rules they must follow to maintain their status as men? Is it simply because there are so many for women?

How on earth are we ever going to get anywhere with these stupid, arbitrary lines drawn in the sand?

Hint: you are a male if that is your gender. You are a man if you identify as one.

Cosmo or no Cosmo.

 

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femistuff-n-stuff

Thursday, October 6th, 2011

I’m not guaranteeing all of this is timely – but it’s been kicking around, and I’ve been meaning to share it, so … here.

Americans work a lot, and women spend four times as many minutes cooking and cleaning up food as men.

There’s a lot of new TV by and about girls. Sadly, very little of it is awesome. (I do like The New Girl, but Whitney is blah (although it did get picked up for a full season). Two Broke Girls is possibly the worst thing I’ve seen in the last five years.)

And if I needed a reason other than The New Girl to admire Zooey Deschanel (which I don’t, because she’s just so … SO), this quote would do it: The fact that people are associating being girlie with weakness – that needs to be examined.

TERRIBLE TEE SHIRTS: Too pretty for homework, allergic to algebra, and a so-terrifying ‘why I raped you’ shirt that I would refuse to link to if Topman hadn’t already pulled it.

“The [burglars] were foiled at their 30th intended home by a lion. Like an actual lion. Police have been unable to find said lion and have repeatedly questioned the girls about the probability that it was actually just a very large dog, not a lion. The girls insist it was a lion.”

The House Labor, Health, and Human Services Appropriations Subcommittee drafted legislation (pdf) that would entirely defund Planned Parenthood (mentioned BY NAME), and withhold funding from Title X and NPR. Awesome plan, guys.

This well designed study concludes that people trust women less when they have no makeup on.

There you go. The current state of sometimes-it’s-hard-to-be-a-girl.

 

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Ask! Tell!

Tuesday, September 20th, 2011

As of midnight, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell has ended.

I genuinely have no idea how much this will change the lives of the  gay and lesbian members of the military. Partially because I’m not in the military, and partially because I’m not

I recently read an article in Marie Claire about Navy women on submarines. This fall, for the first time ever, women are going to deploy underwater. The article was an interview with a super high ranking navel officer who also happens to have lady bits. When asked about sexual harassment underwater, she said:

I would say the leadership needs to set the tone, and everybody needs to understand that you’re part of a professional organization and professionals don’t treat each other unprofessionally. There are always going to be men out there who are going to try you as a woman to see: How far can I push you before I break you? And if something happens to our women going on board and they don’t act or say something and stop it, then that’s when that cancer grows.

The thing about being a woman on a submarine is that, unless you’re in some 50s farce where you’re undercover as a fella, people know you’re a woman. Not only are you bunking in more private quarters, you also – you know – pee sitting down and stuff. It’s a big deal that you’re there, and you have to own it.

In the quote above, the officer implies that women have a responsibility to call out mistreatment and inequality when they see it. I don’t necessarily agree with that in a broad sense – it’s a simplification that doesn’t take circumstances into account. In the submarine sense, I have literally no idea. Trapped underwater seems like both an important and dangerous place to take a stand.

Is there a corollary to gays? If you’re in the  military and you’re not heterosexual,  you’re a lot harder to identify than a woman on a sub. Unless you want that part of your life to be apparent to your coworkers, they don’t necessary have to know. Are there people who feel that individuals in that position have a responsibility to speak out? Again, it doesn’t seem like the safest environment – but it does seem like an important one.

I’m glad that such a stupid rule was finally recognized as such, but I’m curious as to how much of a difference it’s going to make in the day-to-day life of those that it affects. Will they be skipping through the fields, holding hands with their loved ones for all to see? Or will they just keep living their lives?

Anyway. YAY. Goodbye stupid rule. (In the Army, anyway. Sigh. Baby steps?)

 

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