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Archive for the ‘where I pretend to know about politics’ Category

the end of the world as we know it

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

  • The large hadron collider scares the hell out of me if I think about it too hard.
jeesh. goosebumps, man.

jeesh. goosebumps, man.

  • The bodies exhibit – you know, the one where people donated their corpses to be sliced very thinly… kind of like carpaccio I guess… ew – is on display at the Colorado Mills Mall. You know, the outlet one. When I saw it a year or two ago it was at the Natural History Museum. If I donated my body to some scientist and a few years afterwards I was touring the outlet mall of America, I’d be wicked pissed.
  • Dating two men at the same time is not right – that’s why they invented dueling.
  • My grandparents neighborhood of Littleton is either the safest or the scariest place I’ve ever been. Witness – locked myself out yesterday while Mom and Grandma were at the hospital with Grandpa. While I was attempting to remove the screen from the front window and climb through, a police officer drove by. And ignored me. And the five inCREDibly loud dogs inside who were barking at me like I was a complete stranger. After I completely failed on the climbing through portion of my plan, I started serially door knocking, looking for a spare key or possibly a phone. I was welcomed with open arms at every location. No one cared that I was filthy and had absolutely no proof of what I was saying. Again – either awesome or terrifying. I can’t decide. I’m pretty glad that copper didn’t throw me in the hoosegow though.
  • American Idol starts in a couple of weeks. I’m considering being a freak about it this year, seeing as how they’ve replaced Paula. I intend to watch a few episodes then side very strongly against the new girl. Or for her. I’m keeping an open mind on that, I guess  - she’s written some of Kelly Clarkson’s songs and they’re pretty much awesome to belt along with, so I’m leaning towards the ‘for her’ right now. I figure either way I have to watch at least once more before I’m too old to compete – at that point it will just be depressing.
  • My Grandpa’s nurses are funny and awesome and loving, and I’m sure there’s a link between that and the overwhelming preponderance of women in the feild. Funny and awesome and loving are not solely female traits, of course, but I think we have the monopoly on them.
  • I’m considering taking up smoking in solidarity for Obama. Probably the bubble gum cigarettes that have the flour inside the paper, if I can find them. But maybe the real ones if those fake ones are too hard to come by. If the president (elect) does it, it’s good enough for this girl!

Stay tuned for my best of 2008 post! I have no idea what’s going to be on it, but it’s going to be legen…. wait for it ….dary.

Dear catastrophe girlfriend

Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

Monday, January 28, 2008

Or not. The girlfriend part, not the catastrophe part – I think I’ve got that part pretty well covered.

So, as a very sad girl today, my plan for tonight was pretty much to go to bed with a bottle of gin and not think about it until tomorrow.  However, I have since stumbled on an alternative plan which I think may beat that hands down.  Not only will it have the same effect (I will end the night drunk and depressed), it will allow me to share the sorrows of others instead of … well, you know, wallowing.

What is this brilliant plan, you ask?  The State of the Union Drinking Game, of course!
While I could go the easy way, and just drink twice every time he says ‘God’, I think I’m going a bit more political.

  • Every time Bush mentions Iran: 1 drink
  • Hamas: 1 drink
  • North Korea: 1 drink
  • Bush begins a sentence with “British Intelligence…”: Drink an entire bottle of whatever you were drinking three years ago, throw it at the TV
  • Bush mentions the people of New Orleans: Cry into your beer, then drink it.
  • Bush mentions the people of New Orleans in a positive light: Shot of bitters.
  • Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina: Tell person sitting next to you that you’ll refill their glass, leave town for a couple days.
  • Bush mentions Hurricane Katrina in a positive light: Check the label.
  • Every time Bush makes reference to a previous President’s SOTU address: 1 drink.
  • If the reference is to a Democratic President’s speech: 2 drinks.
  • To Grover Cleveland’s 1888 address: Finish the bottle.
  • Bush mentions Coretta Scott King: pour out a 40 on the curb.
  • Chris Penn: Pour out a 40, a steak, and a milkshake on the curb.
  • “Health Savings Accounts”: Enjoy the freedom to choose a drink you can’t afford.
  • Bush ends the speech with “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?”: A billion drinks.

Thank you Wonkette.
Isn’t doing it for you? Try
this one. Better hurry, though – only half an hour left and you’re probably already several shots behind me.

Later notes – yes, have been drinking, why do you ask?  Did he just say:
“catch and release” when referring to immigrants?
“nucular”?
“republican”?
“hishpanish children”?
“nucular”?
WAIT – someone definitely just yelled boo-yah. wtf?
“whim of the gavel”? Do you think he says that to Laura at night? ‘Laura, baby, its time to obey the whim of the gavel’. She probably just laughs.
(how does sending 3000 troops to afghanistan count as bringing them home? wait, that’s real politics, and this is about binge drinking while I watch GW mispronounce words on the teevee)
I think Cheney is asleep
“nucular”? that’s three times. I think that means I have to go to the liquor store.
Did he just refer to the country of New Orleans? Seriously.
“and by ‘save these vital programs, I mean completely eviscerate them’”.  I must be watching the outtakes.

and… I’m done.