Slate, my second favorite daytime educational resource (read: website I fuck around on while at work), has devoted this week to a series of articles about the end of America.
There were a lot of very interesting subjects discussed. Swear. However, my personal favorite was the ‘chose your own Apocalypse‘ interactive feature.
I can not make this stuff up.
Basically, you got 144 different crises that could lead to the end of America, the free world, or the entire planet, depending on how you mixed and matched. Each one had a backstory of sorts, but since I couldn’t be bother to read 144 entire paragraphs, here are those I find most amusing based on nothing but their titles. The numbers indicate their current popularity among the 60,000 Slate readers who have chosen their own Apocalypse.
1. Loose Nukes – I know. Nuclear weapons, not funny. But am I the only one who is picturing a bunch of cartoon warheads zig zagging around in the air over the US, with big googly eyes and their tongues hanging out? I am? Ok, moving on.
6. Obesity – Fat people just can NOT catch a break!
11. Red vs. Blue
The colors start to get feisty, and we’re too busy overdecorating our houses and refusing to exercise to do anything about it … all hell breaks lose?
23. Corporate Takeover - Like, a corporation that’s not part of the world? Huh.
24. Obama as God - I’m pretty sure this one already happened. (I know, straight to hell with me.)
25. Supervolcano - Pleasepleaseplease can this be a movie staring Pierce Brosnan?
Run from the SuperVolcano, Pierce! Faster! Faster! It's SUPER!
26. Dec. 21, 2012 – In the spirit of lazy decadence, I’m not going to google this. I’m just going to assume they think that Christmas depression will finally kill us all.
28. The Rapture – technically only the devout would disappear. Wouldn’t it be business as usual for the rest of us, albeit with fewer books like this?
29. Big Brother – If they mean the show, then yes. 1000 times yes.
31. Math and Science – Fortunately, as long as the rapture happens first, there will be no problems whatsoever here.
37. Voluntary Human Extinction - um… all of us? Really? Does that seem likely to anyone?
48. The Matrix
Find Keanu and we'll be fine. I fully believe that any race that has Keanu and Pierce will never fail.
51. Gray Goo - I have nothing to say here. Gray Goo could and might cause the Apocalypse.
68. End of English – How would this cause the end of America? No, really.
73. The End of History – Conversely, is there a way that this doesn’t mean the end of everything? I mean, isn’t this just another way of saying that?
85. Rods From God – I am hoping against hope that this means hot rods, and we’re all going to expire while watching ‘Fast, Furious, and Godly’.
89. Suburban Slums – Louisville CO, West Side.
107. Vermont Independence – Maple syrup? Is that the problem? Cause I like maple syrup as much as the next girl, but I’m not sure it would lead me to (say) voluntarily extinct myself.
115. Space Harvesting - The next Will Smith blockbuster.
118. Money Virus – Yep. If the money dies, we die. Fo sho.
126. Cell Phones
This of course excludes iPhones, right? Right, guys?
132. Diet - Obesity AND Diet? Make up your minds, Apocalypse gods! Damn you!
139. End of Homeownership - They had 143 and needed 144 to make a rectangle. That is the only possible explanation for this one.
Are you wondering what I think the Apocalypse is going to look like? Three words.
Supercollider. Bottled Water.