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Archive for the ‘writing while drinking’ Category

let’s drink and watch: The Bachelor Episode 1

Friday, January 8th, 2016

There are some women down the hall from me at work, and they asked if I wanted to join a Bachelor bracket with them. I dig my immediate team, but … also I would like some super fun lady friends. So, for the very first time, I am watching the Bachelor. Ben (he himself) is from Denver, who knew. Anyway, I have sparkling wine and I paid Hulu extra monies so I wouldn’t have to watch commercials which REALLY works out in a show like this. Let’s go, people. 

Caila knew she had to dump her man after seeing ben on the bachelorette WHAT. We are off to a these-are-not-reasonable-people start.

Jubilee says ‘I’m on a mission to win Ben’s heart’ and she obviously thought it was the dumbest thing to say in the world. I’m guessing she was picturing her military friends watching this and internally cringing.
No one, Mandi. No one wants to be like everybody else. You’re SO UNIQUE, no one else has ever even wondered who wants to be like everyone else.
TWINS EVIL. Watch a horror movie sometime, Ben.
Wtf is a chicken enthusiast and why do you refer to them as your human babies, Tiara, do you know what humans are?
Ok I know I’ve had 20 chances to find this out, but do they all say something cheesy when they get out of the limo?
Oh a dick joke, that is super risky. That’d be me, and I’d currently be like ‘what the fuck was I thinking?’
Girl who didn’t tell him your name, he’s now thinking of you as ‘online stalker’, so .. whoops.
And also speak a language that Ben knows, it’s weird to force someone to not understand you.
DON’T TALK ABOUT THE OTHER GIRLS BOOBS oh my god I’m not going to be able to watch this show am I.
Ben was just visibly aroused by the twins which, chill your baloney, pony (which is something I say to Deaner when he’s getting all worked up, it’s not a dick reference)
MINIPONY. Awww, bye bye Lil Sebastian.
It’s weird how much I expected Ben to be freaked out by the woman who brought a save the date card. He’s literally there to find a wife. The patriarchy is in maaaaah head.
Oh I read about this host guy! He’s recently divorced and also looking for love, I guess? I wonder if he gets to chat with the ladies when Ben is otherwise engaged – he looks like he’s in his forties or fifties though so perhaps young women aren’t his thing.
I wanna be friends with Lace. I feel like that means she’s going to get kicked off.
BEN IS CALLING HIS DAD. If true, man, hugs to that guy. If staged, hugs to whoever had this idea, because it’s goddamn adorable.

If you quit your job to go on the Bachelor, you’re effectively saying that being his wife will be your job. Maybe he’s into that, maybe he ain’t, but … it doesn’t really bode well for thinking through your choices, maybe? Or maybe her job was fucking terrible, we don’t know her life. (Edited to add, she got the first rose so perhaps he’s into hiring a wifey.)

Oh Laces (which is what I would call Lace if we were friends), I think you maybe need to think about dating somewhere that isn’t TV. This doesn’t seem to be the best thing for your stability. Not that I think you’re unstable, just, stuff is hard, and processing it on TV seems even harder. Or you’re a little drunk? Or possibly both.
I wish the website had said that whats-er-face liked to be called Red Velvet. I would have picked my bracket differently. (Full disclosure, I don’t remember who was in my bracket or where, I’ll have to check tomorrow.)
Whoever had Ben call his dad also just suggested he say these women are out of his league. I hope that person is being well paid (or is Ben, I guess).
Giving out this many roses takes many times.
Crockett just got home and is asking me a lot of questions that are super good that I don’t know the answer to. Like, have there been twins before?
Laurens, there are four of you. One of you is going home.
LACES HONEY you got a rose.
Crockett thinks it’s for the best that Red Velvet did not get a rose, since Ben would just be guaranteeing himself a moment where he holds her hand as she dies of melanoma. Crockett is mean but also funny.
Success rate: I have no idea. I think I might have called one of the cancelled ladies, maybe, I’ll check tomorrow. Only …. twenty-four episodes to go? I have no idea. This is going to be awesome.
*Those two women who showed up in the middle and upset everyone are a mystery to me and I have no comment.

shut up and dance

Wednesday, September 30th, 2015

I started a post about Pinterest and cultural appropriation like, half an hour ago, and it’s going nowhere. Tomorrow. Or, you know, soon.

So let’s talk about amazing songs instead, huh? Cause earlier tonight an excellent friend of mine who has been on the blog whose nickname I cannot quite conjure up at the mo’ finally quit the company that we both used to work at, and it’s been a long time coming, and he had one of those ‘hey congrats man!!!’ happy hours where if you’re an ex-employee you know a lot of faces and many fewer names and you drink a fair amount and answer the so-what-are-you-up-to-now questions as quickly as possible because you’re going to lose them after the word statistician anyway. That kind of happy hour makes me want to listen to songs.


Nathaniel Rateliff and the Nightsweats:

Elle King:

I’m not going to type the name of this band because I find it stupid:

Each amazing, yes no maybe?

yes privilege I know

Monday, January 26th, 2015

I had a really nice iPhone 5s and I broke it.

Well, clarification, I had a normal 5s. There was nothing particularly nice about it except that all 5s’s are nice. Either way, I broke it. I was at The Post with a darlin friend and I held it up and somehow (cough*beers*cough) I dropped it from the barstool I was sitting on flat onto the concrete patio floor below. The screen shattered. It was an ugly moment. I may have blamed the girlfriend I was with because she may have asked to see the phone – that part is unclear and has likely been exaggerated in my head every time I looked at my shattered screen, but who can say for sure?

I still have that 5s but it is no longer really nice. Or normal. See, I thought it was a good idea to replace the screen myself. Which, to be fair, with my coworker’s help, it totally was. It costs upwards of $175 to get the screen replaced on a 5s by a professional, did you guys know that? Possibly because of the fingerprint thing? Dunno. You can buy a screen, and the tiny screwdriver that apparently exists for no purpose other than removing iPhone screen screws, for like $50, and there are instructions online.

It turns out that the instructions leave a lot to be desired and the tiny screws that are removed by the tiny screwdriver are very easily lost. My very kind coworker and I replaced the screen really adequately! We used my tiny fingers to hold things in place and her smart fingers to actually do the work and it was an excellent division of labor. No matter what we tried, though, we couldn’t get the screen to load afterwards. I took the phone to a professional who shifted one tiny thing, told me I was super close, didn’t charge me, and handed me a functional phone.

A functional phone missing a single screw. A screw that I’d taken out and put somewhere for safekeeping. Somewhere so safe I still haven’t found it.

Turns out it was an important screw.

This is a very long way of telling you that I HAVE A NEW PHONE. It’s a 6 and it’s very pretty and my tiny fingers will perhaps eventually get used to the size?  However, I’m thinking of making a rule that I’m not allowed to touch the phone at bars. At least while I’m drinking? Or over concrete floors? The details are still up in the air, I’m open to suggestions.

Please be aware that if you currently receive intermittent hilarious texts from me after 8 pm on Friday or Saturday nights, any rule you put in place may curtail that.


let’s drink and talk about

Saturday, July 19th, 2014

I just watched The Internship without writing out my thoughts in list form. I apologize for that (sort of), but I have some damn thoughts now. You know, to make up for it.

HBO Go has been showing off about this movie about two old guys who go to Google for a summer long internship program thing. They’ve been showing us (in us I’m including those of us who literally pay for cable just for HBO Go because I don’t even have my cable box hooked up (and it’s not because I can’t figure it out because I fixed my iPhone screen myself you guys!)) previews for ages, and I googled when they’d finally show me the whole movie (googled for real, not a pun) and found out that it was coming online at 6 pm tonight so at 6:03 tonight I was pushing play.

Being a single lady has made me extremely exciting.

First of all, this movie is obviously a commercial for Google. I tried to find out if Google was involved in the making of and couldn’t nail it down, but if they weren’t then Vince Vaughn and the other screenwriter super duper want to work there. Or want to bang the owner. Or something. In summary, two men in their forties (?) get into this summer internship program and bring real life skills to a group that is otherwise comprised entirely of kids who fit into one of many nerd stereotypes. And Google is awesome.

I didn’t like Google when I went there for an interview day thing. The movie has been said to be accurate by actual interns who work there, and based on my very short experience I don’t see any reason to disagree. The movie makes a big deal of the free food and the nap pods. It also acknowledges that people who work there don’t necessarily leave campus, which I found appealingly honest, since everything they offer in the Boulder office seems designed to negate any excuse (other than children) for setting foot outside during … ever. Still, in the movie the jobs at the end are the holy grail. It could be any company, but it’s Google. It’s a real company and Vince Vaughn actually says, “It’s ranked as the number one company in the country to work for”. Owen Wilson actually says, “Picture the greatest amusement park you’ve ever been to as a kid.  Now imagine nothing like it and a million times better”.

Bechdel test wise (two named women talk to each other about something other than a dude), total failure. I’m going to say there are three named female characters, but they sure as hell never talk to each other. Mako Mori test wise (named woman gets her own arc that isn’t in support of a dude’s arc), I’m going to say pass. There’s a girl (used intentionally, she is meant to be a girl) on the main characters’ team who struggles with issues of intelligence and embracing her sexuality and while romance is sort of the climax of her arc it’s not necessarily the whole story. I buy it.

I haven’t even gotten to my main topic yet, btw, so you might want to get up to pee or something. Or get some wine. I’ve had some.

Here’s my thesis. Finally.

Older men are supposed to be disappointed in themselves to be attractive now.

Vince Vaughn’s character has a weird issue where he can’t do anything right all the way to the end. Owen Wilson’s character, when told by Rose Byrne’s character that she ‘didn’t expect to like him’, says ‘I didn’t expect for you to like me either’. The movie gives us a tiny bit of back story on Vince. Terrible credit, house foreclosed on, etc. Nothing at all on Owen. We don’t know what’s back there – failed marriage(s)? Widowed? Perpetually single? Gigantic douchebag for all of his thirties?

The whole movie is about them alternately falling down and shoring each other up.

When I was in ninth grade, I finally got to date Ben. I had been in preteen-love with Ben since I moved to that school district – so, like, TWO YEARS. He’d been in preteen-love with my best friend for awhile in eighth grade and they’d dated and every day had been like a serrated knife doing a tango in my intestines.

Pre-teen love is pretty fucking brutal.

When I was in ninth (actually, maybe tenth?) grade, somehow Ben came around. I think he’d gotten less cool and I’d gotten cooler. Possibly the half shaved head he was rocking had gone out of style. Anyway, the WHOLE TIME (I’m talking weeks here) that we were dating, he would talk about how I was definitely going to leave him because he wasn’t good enough for me.

Then I left him.

It was a lot because it was high school, but it was partially because I was tired of listening to that shit and he sort of convinced me that it was true. He wasn’t good enough for me, dammit. You know who was good enough for me? The kid who was living with his aunt and uncle because he got expelled from his home school district for drugs and fighting!

Ah, high school.

I have this sense that that’s changed, though. It might just be for 35+? But now I think men are sort of expected to state that they’re not good enough. Movies have definitely set the expectation, but I’m perpetuating it. I’m listening to shit from male friends now that fourteen year old Emma would have found vomit worthy. (Fourteen year old Emma pretended to puke a lot.)

If this is an expression of insecurity that men have always had, then I embrace this disclosure. Everyone should be able to tell their friends and romantic partners when they’re feeling like they’re not good enough.

If this is some entertainment pendulum that’s just swinging away from men hiding their emotions, I guess I embrace that too.

It feels like neither, though. It feels like a move on the part of the entertainment industry to bring in more female viewers without actually bringing in more women’s stories. See, if men go through emotional upheaval, then why would we need to cast more women?? Cause what ladies like is the feeeeeelings.

Men having emotional arcs: good. Them doing it at the expense of more fully realized female characters: bullshit.

I don’t have a lot more evidence for this theory, but I’ll collect some and get back to you.