Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow thinks that anything under $100 is a stocking stuffer?
See, she’s published her Goop Gift Guides.
God I love her.
Here we go. Top three from each category, for any reason. (Unless I get tired and decide to add the rest to tomorrow because this is nablopomo. No need to overburn my candles.)
- Who the fuck knows what a toothbrush stand even is?? It looks like your toothbrush inherited Peter Pan’s shadow, sort of. Plus, why is it dark grey? You know what isn’t dark grey? Any and all toothpaste. (Except for those people who brush with actual charcoal … wait. Obviously GPal brushes her teeth with charcoal. Mystery = solved.)
- Koi you … draw with? Why do I not understand anything on this list?
- THIS IS AMAZING. It’s a flask that … changes? Is my use of ellipses going to just get more aggressive as we move into the wackier parts of this list? (Although “something called hydroforming” is sort of insulting, GPal. Hydroforming literally means formed by liquid and also now that I remember the long forgotten part of me that got a bachelors in metallurgical engineering I’m like 99% sure she means each flask is different, not that your flask changes. That’s not how metal works. Thanks, CSM metallurgy department!)
- Ok, no. She just spent ten minutes in the Food52 store, you guys. They’ve been selling hot honey, Staub coquettes, linen aprons, fermentation pots (although perhaps not $175 ones) for, like, a year.
- Three months of cowgirl creamery, tho? Yes, please.
- Lucky Peach? Check my pinterest. I’m all over that. Cook Gift Guide is bad. Bad GPal.
- I have questions for this child’s father. If you make your kid wear a shirt proclaiming your status as a feminist, your wokeness is in question.
- Do you buy this expensive Salinger box set if you already suspect a kid is going to assassinate someone, or if you’re hoping to nudge them in that direction?
- I don’t understand this $1500 Flinstone’s contraption, but that might be me being an old? Plus, does anyone else want them to have called a plank with a wheel in the middle something more original than OneWheel? WE CAN COUNT.
Health Nut Gift Guide (<- ‘nut’ is insensitive, GPAL)
- I mean, would I take a $700 juicer that promises no cleanup because you also order the juice packs from them and they just squeeze everything out? Of COURSE I would. But then I’d find out my beloved Spicy Greens packs (Spicy Greens would be my fav in this theoretical world where this happens) are $7 a pack, and I’d realize it’s cheaper to buy juice from the store. So not only would the juicer not be paying for itself, it would actually be increasing my juice debt every time I used it. Juice debt. Something I would never have considered if not for GPal.
- OH, this tiny bag of crystals. My inner goth teenager wants it super bad, but also it’s nine rocks for $85. You can get a rock polisher for $65! With rocks! CALM DOWN INNER GOTH TEENAGER.
There are ten categories. TEN. I’m doing one more and then calling it a night.
- Full disclosure. I own two James Perse dresses and find them worth the $100+ dollars for a jersey dress, that that’s something I didn’t see coming until I actually tried one on. That being said: a James Perse $995 blanket. Do I want it? YES. Would I EVER take it on an airplane where other people could touch it and germs could get on it and it would get worn out and eyeballs themselves would wear it out? Are you fucking kidding me, it’s a thousand dollars. It would live in a closet where I would read books and no one but me and my books and occasionally white (NEVER red) wine would be allowed. And La Croix, I guess, but still. This is not a reasonable gift.
- This says ‘hello handsome’ in it. It is not only reasonable but fantastic. Let’s ALL buy this dop kit for our favorite boys.
- No. Bad. Everlane, guys. I have the Everlane Weekender and to be fair mine is a stripey mustard one that was the best and apparently you can’t buy it anymore? But still don’t give GPal $400 for this bag. Don’t. So many bags in the world.
Next time on ‘inside Goop’ (Friday, I think), gift guides for lovers, hostesses, people who like things that are personalized (true), thinkers, and ‘the ridiculous but awesome’ guide. That one has a yurt. A YURT.