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emmanation

You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

new american cool girl (part 1)

November 17th, 2017 by biscuit

Full credit for all of this, of course, goes to Gillian Flynn, yeah? You remember, from Gone Girl (book or movie):

Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding…Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl.

The full monologue covers a lot more, but holy shit did this resonate with my general cohort when we caught wind of it. Because, yes. This expectation is not nearly as much of a joke as it probably sounds like if you’re either dating or friends with daters.

I talk to my friend J- about this a lot. I may, in fact, have angrily accused her of being the New American Cool Girl more than once and over text, she thinks I’m complimenting her.

Here’s the problem. The heroine of Gone Girl is a fucking psychopath, and she thinks that all women are like her. In her monologue, the underlying (and stated) assumption is that Cool Girls are pretending to be what men want. Why? For some … unknown reason. She herself pretended to be the cool girl when she met the guy she’s married to in the books, but she’s very iffy on why. To get him to love her, obviously, but what was the end game? In her case it was a long con that involved faking her own death, but in the case of a normal woman what does buying into the cool girl mythology actually earn us? Is it a sitcom marriage where we’re mad at our husbands for thinking they were marrying the cool girl? Super.

The expectation is so accurate (overstated, but accurate) that the problem of motive has gone largely unaddressed.

Here’s my version, so cleverly titled.

New American Cool Girl

The difference between the Gone Girl Cool Girl and the NACG? NACGs FUCKING KNOW BETTER.

For the NACG it’s not about seeing what a man wants and molding herself to fit that, for some future potential payoff (in the form of a diamond and/or a faked murder?) It’s about the unconscious and unavoidable sublimation of the feminine due to the misogynistic training we all, men and women alike, receive our entire lives.

Yeah.

I see it all the time, and every time I see it I get meaner about it. It’s amazing any of my single girlfriends still talk to me. Especially since if you asked Crockett, I probably did plenty of it myself.

I admit, I’m have perhaps swung further in the opposite direction than most women want or need to go. Example: last night, I was at a beer+yoga event in Denver. With yetis. Life is strange. After the class, there were contests, and a woman won the first (which happened to be headstands). The dude who was on the mat next to her, and got beat by her, walked by J- and I afterwards and said to a friend ‘I can’t believe a female won’. J- literally straightarmed me like we were in a crashing car and said NO, because the woman I am now may or may not lecture that dude on a whooooole variety of things. Starting with how dehumanizing it is to refer to a woman as a female.

But my personal crank levels aside, there are behaviors that smart women who know better still engage in because we just. cannot. help. ourselves. We’re the NACGs and we know better, and yet.

That should, hopefully, be part 2.

 

the ballad of

November 16th, 2017 by biscuit

Dean at the lake at lunch today:

Remember when I got a new iPad, in TWO THOUSAND EIGHT?? Yes, I’m still using it. No, I can no longer get drawings off of it. Thank you for asking. Just for you, here’s the boring old photo my original art was inspired by:

Still counts as nablopomo.

 

as we know it

November 15th, 2017 by biscuit

You guys ever look around and go, oh, right. This.

So many people shooting people. A misogynistic, racist, trans- and homo- and just generally phobic tiny-handed trash fire trying to start a war every time someone lets him near his phone. An truly horrifying amount of middle aged white men using tiny-hands as justification to make all of their selfish bullshit into laws.

I just. Cry a lot, honestly.

Did you know there’s an Amazon Dash Button that sends you a box of surprise sweet snacks every time you feel like you need it? I learned about it from another blogger who ran over her button (who knows how) and replaced it asap.

My button came in the mail today. Fortunately, no matter how many times you push the button, they only send you one box of sweets at a time. So, for a randomly chosen example, if the day you get the button you make the mistake of really just diving into the news and you push it 1074 times in four minutes, you still only get one box.

We’ll see. It’s self indulgent, and likely unhealthy, but – I kind of like it. I like the idea that when something is just UGGGGHHH I can push a button and know I just did something nice for two-days-from-now Emma. I don’t know what two days from now will look like, but lets hope the number of new tragedies is at, like, a bare minimum, and the number of delicious candies in my face is at an all time high, yeah?

a super upsetting review

November 14th, 2017 by biscuit

I mean, I’m not super upset.

Well, I might be. It’s been a rough fall.

But this is not about that. This is about A SUPER UPSETTING COOKBOOK ABOUT SANDWICHES (real title, guys). It’s by a guy who owns a sandwich shop in NY called No. 7 Sub and I would really appreciate some takeout from the next person I know who goes there, ok?

I have made none of these sandwiches, but not for the first time I’m sitting on my couch reading through the book and laughing. I’m going to try to give you four funny quotes, but if they don’t seem funny then let’s agree you just need more context and should read the book yourself, ok?

  • “With all the usual condiments, [fake/meaty veggie burgers] taste a lot like McDonald’s hamburgers, which are both excellent and the end of the world.
  • “… I am drinking as fast as I can so that I can be funny again. I am trying to write ‘A Heartbreaking Cookbook of Staggering Sandwich Genius’, but I realize that it’s just ‘An Immature Food Book of Stuttering Sandwich’.”
  • About people who insist on a bag for a single, well wrapped sandwich: “I’m going to start making little handles for your sandwich out of masking tape and make you carry your sandwich like a tiny, broccoli-filled briefcase. And don’t make this sandwich because it is too good for you.”
  • Do a bunch of stuff to prep mussels. “And if any of your mussels don’t close while you’re doing all this, then throw them away and give a very brief speech for each one of them. I never said this was going to be easy.”

Is the funny coming across? He’s mad about a lot of things. People complaining about good food for dumb reasons is what most of them boil down to, but … maybe funny-mad is actually just my particular sweet spot. (Says the writer who is shooting for that at least 68% of the time.)

Anyway. If I was going to make one sandy from this book (and I might! Even though I hate sandwiches!), it would be The Famous Rap Battles of History (again, real sandwich name, guys). I, to no one’s surprise, don’t have permission to give you his recipe (I mean I didn’t ask so this seems like the safe assumption). But look at the assembly list.

  • Fried Fish
  • hamburger buns
  • Coleslaw
  • Dirty Tartar Sauce
  • General Tso’s Sauce

Everything in italics is a whole separate recipe, y’all, and the recipes aren’t always what you’d expect. The coleslaw has fried garlic in it. Dirty tartar sauce is mostly chicken liver. It’s no wonder I haven’t made this.

Super upsetting.

pink sweater

November 13th, 2017 by biscuit

I have a shopping problem.

Not a huge one. Not a shopaholics anon one, or even a ‘forget to open boxes that come in the mail’ (like one of my sweet coworkers) one.

More, just, when I love something I start looking for more clothes that are exactly like it. Like, if I love my pink off the shoulder Free People sweater (which oh, I do, I wore it on Saturday and it’s just the best), that means I would love having LOTS of pink sweaters and should really just dive into the pink sweater pit.

For pink sweater, insert ruched maxi dress, or menswear shirts or tee shirts with words on them (<- actually that one is potentially a real problem) or sweatpant style yoga pants or … etc. Ad infinitum. Many things. You get the point.

So, if I love the pink sweater and I buy more sweaters like it, you know what happens? I wear the new pink sweaters, sometimes, and I also wear the tee shirts with words on them or the menswear or the dresses sometimes, and I never end up wearing the actual pink sweater that I liked the very most. I end up saving the one that I loved because if I have alternatives, why wear out the best one? Save the best one!

But then, of course, cut to two years later. The new pink sweaters are worn out or dumb, the favorite pink sweater is pristine … and I’m tired of pink sweaters and have moved on to green henleys or something.

See? It’s a problem.