Image 01


You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Posts Tagged ‘alcohol’

Sunday Talkie

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

P.S. The tiniest sprinter insisted on an addendum because his basset hound didn’t make it into the video. If you feel like watching four minutes of  a Louis sleeping and us giggling in the background while Greensleeves plays, dive in. You are my hero.

Also, we drew a picture together. You know the pain scale they want you to use in the hospital? Crockett kept using six or seven? We decided we needed one for level of inebriation.

inebriation scale drawn by the trumpet of distinguished experts

employ thy time well, if thou meanest to get leisure

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

I am in Portland Oregon. Remember how yesterday I said that I wanted to stay home with Crockett? Totally true. His rebuttal? “Emma, I am not a baby. I can take care of myself.”


So I’m waiting for the tiniest sprinter to come pick me up from the airport. I am waiting in a bar – please, suspend your shock. I positively hate to fly – I get all nervous and hesitant and completely unlike myself, and I have been known to fortify myself with those little airline bottles of wine. Since this particular flight left at 8:25 am, I instead opted for a bloody maria (because drinking before noon is only ok if it’s a bloody mary or a mimosa. Obviously.)

What I’m trying to say is that I’m drunk. At 12:29 Denver time, 11:29 Portland time, but screw Portland time – doesn’t count until you leave the airport, amirite?

Awesome, huh? Everyone else is at work, and here I am. I cannot imagine, for the life of me, why I got a bad review yesterday.

Because I’m drunk, I just asked Star (via IM) what the hell I should blog about. She happens to have recently missed her lunch due to inconsiderate customers at her place of business, and I said that I would send her some food through the interwebs, and then she said “blog about inventions you need!”

And so I am.

  1. The ability to pass food and drink through the internet. How is that not a real thing yet?
  2. Scratch and sniff tv. Because HI, I am already such a sucker for advertising that if you could make me smell your Doritos or your Dove Chocolate I would be putty in your hands. (Idea credit goes to Star.)
  3. A ‘retract’ button for conversations. Like how I just told this bartender I was drunk from my airplane bloody mary (WHAT? I’m really small and there is less air up there.) (Yes, I know there is a regular amount of air in the airplane, shut UP.) It would be like the ‘recall’ button in Outlook – if the person wants to hear it, you’re screwed, but if they take pity on you it can be like it never happened. *Side note, I just spent a long time trying to figure out the best way to use those parenthesis. I actually tried to fit one set into the other and then I was worried about order of operations. I am the coolest girl ever.
  4. A gaydar that really works. It would also have settings for mean people, people who are undercover, and people who are in the witness protection program. Those last two are mostly for my future career as expediter.
  5. Earphones that block out all sound unless it is intentionally directed to you.
  6. More seasons of Veronica Mars. I know that isn’t technically an invention, but whatever, Veronica Mars rocks. I was watching it on the airplane down here and the girl next to me was watching over my shoulder but pretending she wasn’t – she’s a new addict. Also, she reminded me a lot of the wife of an ex of mine and I kept wanting to ask her if that’s who she was, but either answer would have led to us being uncomfortable for the rest of the flight, so I refrained.
  7. A headband that makes it impossible for people to ignore you. If you want their attention, you get it, when you’re wearing the headband.
  8. A Strega Nona’s Pasta Pot type wine glass.
  9. A little machine that lets you listen to any conversation in the world. This would be exceedingly helpful if I were interested in working for a tabloid – I would become EVERYONE’S unnamed source.
  10. A way to communicate inflection via IM that is NOT the ‘sarcasm mark’. (Idea credit goes to Star.)

That’s all I got, please feel free to contribute extra ideas in the comments. I’m going to force the tiniest sprinter to do a guest post about this trip, so look forward to it!


my happiness project

Friday, February 6th, 2009

I just recently started reading a blog called The Happiness Project. Since the title kinda says it all, I won’t explain it to you. I’ve decided to start my own. I’ve made a mental list of what my own project will consist of, but I’m not going to throw it all down right now – what’s a blog without a lil suspense, huh? I do know pretty clearly what makes me happy, so all I need to do is make those things a bigger part of my life. Simple, right? I’ll keep you updated on how it’s going – I’m going to attempt at least one happiness action item a week. This week I’ll do two – the first will be to never use the phrase ‘happiness action item’ ever again.

Cakebread wine makes me happy, as do cute hats.

Cakebread wine makes me happy, as do cute hats.

Up this week? Limiting my facebook friends to actual friends. 

Why is this going to make me happy? Mostly because this way I won’t have to see ‘Frank is driving to Mexico’ or ‘JoAnne is snuggling with her baby’ anymore. Yes, I realize that those are not particularly irritating statements on their own. However, when Frank and JoAnne are people that I, say, went to college with and didn’t even like then, getting Frank’s city-by-city update of his trip from upstate NY to Mexico gets a little old. And dude, how many times can you talk about your baby in your status?!?! These women are the reason childless women are afraid to become mothers! I made these people up (just now, I’m so creative) but you can see my point.

Now that I’ve done my winnowing, I realized how many people I was facebook friends with for no good reason.  Here is a brief play-by-play of what I just went through:

JV: I do not know who this person is. Literally. Not a clue. DELETE.

JF: Um, I may have kissed him at a bar several months ago. Maybe. Unless that was someone else. DELETE.

JM: Yeah, definitely kissed him at a bar. In Chicago. Several years ago. How on earth did he even find me on here? DELETE.

I’m not making these initials up, btw… do I have a secret problem with J’s? I hope not! Also, note to self – stop kissing strangers in bars.

The $1000 martini.... maybe thats why I was kissing them. If not it damn well should have been.

The $1000 martini.... maybe that's why I was kissing them. If not it damn well should have been.

JC: This was a friend of my little brother, and I didn’t even like him in high school. DELETE.

HD: Girlfriend who broke my brothers heart. WTF. DELETE.

NM: Kid in high school who actually used to hit me. DELETE.

SP, TB, MC, CP, AC: People I work with and do not know well enough to start up a conversation if we’re walking down the same hallway. I have no objection to these people. I even like them, what I know of them! However, I seriously doubt they want to know that I am currently “reading a liveblog of He’s Just Not That Into You on“. Or that last night I made cookies. Or that yesterday I was smitten. Etc. Etc. 

DC: Again, who is this? I must have either accepted or requested this person as a friend. Was I unconcious? Have I been hacked? If so, that’s a pathetic thing for the hacker to do… DELETE.

I could go on, but the gist is this: I was a friend-accepting-facebook-slut. No longer. I can now happily add things like my phone number to my profile, because everyone on it is someone I wouldn’t mind talking to.

Happiness project 1, done. I feel smilier already.

you guys know how to pole vault?

Thursday, December 25th, 2008

It’s Christmas.  I am not in Portland as planned, due to the 100 year storm they’re currently experiencing. Instead, I’m at home.  Fortunately, my brother  and I are bonding via telephone and the Tremors drinking game.  So far, the rules are:

Drink every time they say ‘plan’.

Drink the first time Reba McEntire shows up.

Drink  every time we notice phrasing is different from the recorded TBS version we grew up on.

That’s it so far. If you’ve seen Tremors, you know that even though we’re 14 minutes in we’ve had four drinks.  Sam is drinking beer (he’ll tell you more) and I’m drinking hot chocolate with Cointreau.  Don’t judge, he’s in Oregon and I’m in CO – the liquor stores are closed here and they don’t sell beer in the grocery stores.  My alcohol stores consist of those liqueurs required to bake, so it was HC with Cointreau or cream soda with Kahlua. Ew. 

At this moment we’re disussing whether or not we’d react like the highway workers. In Tremors, Earl and Val find a head of a friend of thiers in a hole in the ground.  Driving back towards town to warn everyone, they pass some highway workers and pause long enough to holler ‘there’s a serial killer running around cutting people’s heads off!’ 

*we just discovered we were the frightened of the same thing in our house growing up and now we’re both scared. We’re awesome.

So back to the highway workers – if someone you didn’t know drove by and told you that in desert, what would you do? In the desert, you can see people coming. I would probably do what they did. I would not believe him, cause a) I could see someone coming and b) it’s more likely that the guy in the truck is crazy than that there’s a serial killer cutting people’s heads off.  Sam said he’d go with it, because he’d rather live and feel stupid than die and be right. He wins this one.

Walter just bought the head/tongue of the first tremor and is charging people $20 to take a picture with it. That’s capitalism right there.

Is there anything creepier than the fence posts popping down one by one? You know something is chasing you UNDER THE GODDAMN ground and you can see how close it’s getting.  Unseen but perceivable danger, man.  Scary shit.

Plan! Oh, twice. Wait, three times. Huh, maybe I should have put less Cointreau in here. And Sam should be drinking less beer, we’re getting very philosphical.  We’re discussing whether or not we’d die to save 100 people that we never met in another country.  This is intense.  Back to Tremors.

Awww Rhonda and Val just woke up on a rock with thier heads on each others shoulders.  She’s like 5’3″/115 – she would NEVER be in a movie now.  I love Rhonda. Wait, can two people have thier heads on each others shoulders simulataneously? Is that even possible? I’m kinda thinking not but that’s the way I remember it so I’m going with it. 

What kind of stupid dummy not-smart unintelligent…  I can’t think of any more ways to say that but you get the point… climbs into a TIRE to escape from an underground monster? When sitting in a tire, how far is your ass off the ground, about six inches? Does it seem like an underground monster with multiple tongues that have already grabbed a car axle cannot reach up that far?

We just realized that the fashion in this movie is perfect.  Since it’s set in a desert town with people who are already ‘off the grid’, the fashion is believable to this day – we’re talking jeans and button up shirts.

Why was Walters nose already bleeding, huh? He got bit on the lower legs and somehow his nose immediately started to bleed. Low blood pressure… would that do it? High blood pressure? Was Walter a hemophiliac? 

Annnnddddd my DVD player just crapped out. I need a new one, I’ve asked for one for my birthday, but at the moment my old lame one is ruining my Christmas drinking game with my brother. Lame. Earl and Val are now permanently stuck on the roof with Rhonda on the water tower.  

I’m going to let Sam quote the remainder of the movie for me, but I think this post is effectively over. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.