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emmanation

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Posts Tagged ‘guess what chicken butt’

I might’ve known it would be red

Tuesday, February 17th, 2015

The bathroom at work that inspired my ‘common sense’ (i.e. wash your hands where I tell you to because I’m bossy) post has recently been the site of three new short episodes. The first two are weird, the third is gross and the primary topic here. Just warning everyone.

The first two are best represented by the IMs I sent immediately after they happened:

me: I was just in the bathroom and a woman came in and went into a stall and said OW a bunch of times and then started singing
friend: Ewww WTF
me: I have no idea

it was SO WERID
weird
she must have had drinks at lunch or something
I can’t think of any other explanation
or she’s having a stroke
?
friend: I hope nothing scary is happening with her lady parts
me: she seemed generally pleased

despite the ‘ow‘s

It was true. The ow’s were somehow not troublesome. More like pulling off an  irritating bandaid that you’re super pleased to no longer have on your skin.

No one was found in the bathroom later having suffered from a stroke.

Second thing: 

me: WHAT IS HAPPENIN
ok
so I was just in the same bathroom where the lady said ow ow ow the other day?
and there was someone who I am 85% sure was different
whispering to herself in the stall!
same friend: that is so weird
that bathroom makes people crazy!
me: the only thing I heard was ‘well that is disappointing’ but there was a LOT

Third thing. Same bathroom. (If you’re a man who knows me, just be aware this is about to get period-y. I don’t care if you read it as long as you don’t whine about it being yucky after I obviously forewarned you.)

I’ve been using a diva cup off and on for a couple of years, maybe? (Diva cup: a little cuppy thing you stick up into your vagina to collect menstrual blood. You change it every 8 – 12 hours unless you’re me in which case you change it once a day because a) I bleed a lot compared to how much I used to because of this dumb IUD but not actually that much in the grand scheme of things and b) I’m gross.) I would use it every day of every period if I could, but some days it doesn’t work, somehow. Like, you have to fold it and twist it and stuff and some days it just doesn’t fold and twist and you get tired of sticking silicone into yourself and spinning it around and pulling it back out, so you give up.

A couple of months ago, I took it out in the shower and my hand slipped while I was holding it and it hit the ground and bounced and I was covered in blood. It was very, very Carrie.

This morning was one of the not twisting and spinning and holding mornings. My damn period is almost over, so I put in a pantyliner and moved on with my day. It went fine (although I forgot deodorant because COME ON, there are only so many things a woman can remember on a given morning) but this afternoon I sneezed and I got that unpleasant ‘gosh something just came out of me’ feeling. (If you don’t know that feeling, that’s fine, but I suspect that means you’re a prepubescent woman or one of the aforementioned men who didn’t heed my warning. For you guys, it’s like … um, ok you know how sometimes you sneeze and you can tell a bunch of spit came out of your mouth? That’s the best I can do.)  I was wearing a red skirt. Red, good, skirt, bad, so I hightailed it to the bathroom to see what the damage was.

Minimal. However. The pantyliner had put up a good fight, but was ready for honorable discharge. I hadn’t brought any replacements to work, much less to the bathroom (downside of the diva cup, you get lazy) so I re-dressed and fiddled for a quarter. I tried the pad dispenser. It returned my quarter. I tried the tampon dispenser. It kept my quarter but gave me no tampon.

There was no option left for me but to build a toilet paper contraption that would last me until I found a better solution. You know the one – a wad of TP, with a long piece wrapped around it and the crotch of your underwear to hold it in place? Yeah, that one. As I was wrapping

deep breath

as I was wrapping, someone came in, and I realized that I had been muttering to myself.

I was talking to myself in the crazy talk to yourself bathroom. What was I saying? Don’t even know. Probably something about ow and being disappointed?