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let’s drink and watch

Sunday, November 27th, 2016

American Ultra!

(When did the movies on Hulu get better than the movies on Netflix?)

We open with Jesse Eisenberg (Mike) and Kristen Stewart (Phoebe) being dirty in love stoners.

  • Mike is going to propose! Except he’s going to do it in Hawaii and he bought the ticket but they can’t go because he has panic attacks about flying and that’s apparently something they both knew! And yet they thought he could mind-over-matter it, I guess!
  • Then he thought maybe he’d propose at home, but he almost set the kitchen on fire! This movie is not going super for Mikey so far. Although he does have a fun gorilla astronaut comic book.
  • WAIT HE’S BEING TARGETED FROM SPACE. By the CIA. While he smokes up in a convenience store parking lot.
  • Hi Connie Britton. I’ve missed your lovely face and also hair and also energy.
  • Phoebe is really really sweet to Mike. She loves him a lot. And they have eyeballs tattooed on their feet, for some reason. I don’t know if this is going to work out for these two crazy kids, Connie Britton got a weird high security phonecall about ‘operation toughguy’ and now she’s stalking the halls of the CIA looking like bad things are happening. Oh, wait! Now she’s yelling at Eric Foreman! (It’s fun when I use actor names, character names, and names of other roles actor’s have had with no logic at all, right?)
  • Oh! They’re going to kill Mikey because he was going to go to Hawaii and he’s an asset of some failed project and he’s not supposed to leave town, apparently.

This is better than I anticipated. I never knew I wanted to see Eric Foreman call Connie Britton a snipey, overbearing bitch and see her ‘as if you even matter’ face.

  • John Leguizamo! And illegal fireworks? How have I never heard of this movie?? Have you guys heard of this movie?
  • I was going to say what kind of code phrase is Chariot Progressive, but I guess no one would say it accidentally, so perhaps it’s the good kind? Mandelbrot set is in motion, tho – that’s something I could hear in the real world. Good thing I’m no spy waiting to be activated.
  • DIRTY JESSE MIKE WHOEVER as freaking Jason Bourne! His training kicked in but has now deserted him and he’s more together than I expected for someone who just killed someone with a ramen spoon. (Although he is trying to hide behind a very narrow pole like a cartoon character so maybe not handling so well.)
  • Oh man. Mike is in jail (because he killed someone with a spoon in a parking lot and tried to hide behind a pole and that shit leads to jail) and Eric Foreman is sending The Crane and The Laugher after him.
  • Something is up with Phoebe. For sure. She’s either his keeper or another sleeper or ….dunno. Something.

Ok, I was actually drinking La Croix (which isn’t really in the spirit of drink and watch) but I’ve upgraded to gin and soda. This movie deserves the full d’n’w experience.

  • Catch and return grenade. Baller move, Mike. The Crane (female assassin who threw the grenade) is handcuffed to a chair by her ankle. Ankle cuffed? Ankle handcuffed. The chair is like a cafeteria chair and she’s just carrying it around with her so … not the most successful restraint attempt I’ve ever seen.
  • Ooooo his panic attack thing is about leaving town at all, not flying. (I don’t know where they are also. The PNW maybe? There’s a lot of flannel.)(Oh hey the internet knew, it’s Limon West Virginia.)
  • Connie Britton is calling on the only person who will help her … drumrollllll … Buster Bluth! Literally no one in this movie isn’t famous.
  • MIKE THINKS HE’S A ROBOT. This is wonderful.
  • John Leguizamo thinks Mike has a monkey virus. From 28 Days Later, maybe? I don’t know, I clicked over to a Cyber Monday sale page and may have missed something.
  • Oh, ok. The CIA is spreading disinformation that Mike and Connie Britton have a monkey virus that’s super contagious and everyone should call when they see them. Sneaky mofos, the CIA.
  • Crane and The Laugher were mental patients that Eric Foreman retrained as assassins. Rude or excellent distributions of resources? Connie Britton thinks the former. #imwithher (sniff)
  • Oh man, there goes John Leguizamo. Probably shouldn’t have been harboring Mike, monkey virus or no monkey virus. Sorry, buddy.
  • Riofloxin? I just googled riofloxin gas and then immediately regretted it (Trump’s America, guys), but it’s a made up gas just for this movie. Is that a normal thing?
  • Mike just remembered Phoebe interviewing him, therapist style! I love it when I’m right as shit, man.
  • “I’m your handler. I was assigned to you five years ago. But of course I’m your girlfriend.” I wouldn’t buy it either, Mikey.
  • Nothing like a little attempted vehicular manslaughter to really bring a fighting couple together.
  • Wait, if she was his handler, why did she let him schedule the trip to Hawaii in the first place? Didn’t she know that would trigger the kill order? Well, The Laugher is abducting her while Mike is stuck in the crushed car so serves her right, I guess.
  • Connie Britton saved Mike and asked if he knew who she was. “Are you my mother?” Bahahaha.
  • “If I die, I’m going to do it stoned and happy in my bed.” Mike’s not handing this well, but Connie Britton patrolling his house with an automatic weapon while he smokes up is an excellent visual.
  • Aiming a bullet ricochet off a flying frying pan? No.
  • Buster Bluth coming through in the clinch? YES.
  • BILL PULLMAN. Looking so very presidental but I’m guessing he’s a last ditch assassin? Or maybe Buster Bluth called him and he’s going to kick Eric Foreman’s ass? He’s striding purposefully towards an airplane in a suit, which I always enjoy.
  • Apparently Eric Foreman had a whole truck full of assassins. Like, a big truck. And while he was telling them to ALL get Mike and to be careful because Mike is silent on little cat feet, Mike comes out of nowhere shooting fireworks! Of course! Chekov’s fireworks!
  • Shootout in the warehouse store, and Mike is just walking through gunsmoke killing people with a sledgehammer to the temple. Whatever training program Connie Britton put him through, it’s clearly much superior to Eric Foreman’s stable of psychos.
  • This just got very violent. Like, it was violent before but …
  • Connie!! Saving Phoebe with a timely strangulation!
  • Huh. So everyone bad is dead, Bill Pullman appeared and shut down Eric Foreman, and Mike is proposing to Phoebe in front of all of the cops with guns in the parking lot of the shootout. It’s weird but kind of adorable.
  • And then they got tased.

And now he’s a spy and it’s his gorilla astronaut cartoon.

So, I checked and the reason I never heard of this movie is because it didn’t do very well, but guys? Even though I just spoiled the shit out of it?

You should watch it. It’s fun.