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Posts Tagged ‘movies’

you guys know how to pole vault?

Thursday, December 25th, 2008

It’s Christmas.  I am not in Portland as planned, due to the 100 year storm they’re currently experiencing. Instead, I’m at home.  Fortunately, my brother  and I are bonding via telephone and the Tremors drinking game.  So far, the rules are:

Drink every time they say ‘plan’.

Drink the first time Reba McEntire shows up.

Drink  every time we notice phrasing is different from the recorded TBS version we grew up on.

That’s it so far. If you’ve seen Tremors, you know that even though we’re 14 minutes in we’ve had four drinks.  Sam is drinking beer (he’ll tell you more) and I’m drinking hot chocolate with Cointreau.  Don’t judge, he’s in Oregon and I’m in CO – the liquor stores are closed here and they don’t sell beer in the grocery stores.  My alcohol stores consist of those liqueurs required to bake, so it was HC with Cointreau or cream soda with Kahlua. Ew. 

At this moment we’re disussing whether or not we’d react like the highway workers. In Tremors, Earl and Val find a head of a friend of thiers in a hole in the ground.  Driving back towards town to warn everyone, they pass some highway workers and pause long enough to holler ‘there’s a serial killer running around cutting people’s heads off!’ 

*we just discovered we were the frightened of the same thing in our house growing up and now we’re both scared. We’re awesome.

So back to the highway workers – if someone you didn’t know drove by and told you that in desert, what would you do? In the desert, you can see people coming. I would probably do what they did. I would not believe him, cause a) I could see someone coming and b) it’s more likely that the guy in the truck is crazy than that there’s a serial killer cutting people’s heads off.  Sam said he’d go with it, because he’d rather live and feel stupid than die and be right. He wins this one.

Walter just bought the head/tongue of the first tremor and is charging people $20 to take a picture with it. That’s capitalism right there.

Is there anything creepier than the fence posts popping down one by one? You know something is chasing you UNDER THE GODDAMN ground and you can see how close it’s getting.  Unseen but perceivable danger, man.  Scary shit.

Plan! Oh, twice. Wait, three times. Huh, maybe I should have put less Cointreau in here. And Sam should be drinking less beer, we’re getting very philosphical.  We’re discussing whether or not we’d die to save 100 people that we never met in another country.  This is intense.  Back to Tremors.

Awww Rhonda and Val just woke up on a rock with thier heads on each others shoulders.  She’s like 5’3″/115 – she would NEVER be in a movie now.  I love Rhonda. Wait, can two people have thier heads on each others shoulders simulataneously? Is that even possible? I’m kinda thinking not but that’s the way I remember it so I’m going with it. 

What kind of stupid dummy not-smart unintelligent…  I can’t think of any more ways to say that but you get the point… climbs into a TIRE to escape from an underground monster? When sitting in a tire, how far is your ass off the ground, about six inches? Does it seem like an underground monster with multiple tongues that have already grabbed a car axle cannot reach up that far?

We just realized that the fashion in this movie is perfect.  Since it’s set in a desert town with people who are already ‘off the grid’, the fashion is believable to this day – we’re talking jeans and button up shirts.

Why was Walters nose already bleeding, huh? He got bit on the lower legs and somehow his nose immediately started to bleed. Low blood pressure… would that do it? High blood pressure? Was Walter a hemophiliac? 

Annnnddddd my DVD player just crapped out. I need a new one, I’ve asked for one for my birthday, but at the moment my old lame one is ruining my Christmas drinking game with my brother. Lame. Earl and Val are now permanently stuck on the roof with Rhonda on the water tower.  

I’m going to let Sam quote the remainder of the movie for me, but I think this post is effectively over. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

The darker the chocolate, the richer the taste

Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Hairspray was orginally made in 1988.  About 1962. And it was remade in 2007. So social commentary has been a little … distorted.  But still, man, I’m mid-Corny’s dance off and I have to say, I love it.  I’m actually getting a little teary. Of course, I cried during Run Fatboy Run (two Emma thumbs up) this afternoon, so my emotional threshold isn’t necessarily the gold standard.

1) What I remember from my first time, watching the original: the ditzy white best friend making out pretty aggressively with her new african american boyfriend. In an alley. And possibly someone making out with Corny Collins (unless that was Grease?). This has all been removed from the new version.  While I understand the need for a PG-13 rating, I have to say that social change should come with passion, no?

2) Cross dressing? Divine, the famous cross dresser who played the original Mrs. Turnblad, was.. campy. She was fabulous in the way that the women I saw at BJ’s Carosel were fabulous – intentionally feminine but.. majestic. Bigger and bolder and just MORE than a born woman would ever be. John Travolta played Mrs. Turnblad in the new version and swear to god, he looked like a woman.  An enormous woman. A statuesque woman with a suspiciously deep voice, but there was nothing that said drag queen. Why hire a man if a woman is what you want? Really? Plus, I know there are rumors about him being gay, and I can’t say that this was the best way to dispell them.

3) Segregation is bad. Smart people know that. Smart brave people say ’hey lets stop this’. Only stupid people actually fool around with those of the opposite race.  Wait, is that the message they meant to send? Really?

4) You’re more likely to be overweight if you’re brunette. Really, that’s what I learned. Blond girls are more likely to be skinny manipulative bitches who have the cute guys for the first half of the movie/life, and brunettes can get fat and will be loved anyway. As the possibly worst person EVER, I found myself chanting the ’fatty fatty two by four’ poem at work the other day.  In my defense, I was talking to my friend about our recent failure to go to the gym, which we do together.  AND she’s the thinnest person I know. Invisible when standing sideways. But still. I’m evil.

5) Dancing used to be cool. There were dances everyone knew and they involved nifty hand movements and poofy skirts. Dances were danced on TV. I love poofy skirts. I love nifty hand movements. I love TV. I should’a been born in .. 1947.

And… I think that’s all it taught me. But I’m considering purchasing it because I feel there is so much more to learn.So much more.

Also, sweet thing bakeshop deposited its first checks today. Admittedly some have been sitting in my wallet for weeks, but still. First deposit. YAY me.

Thoughts while watching S.W.A.T.

Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

Thursday, August 30, 2007

1) I love this girl…. what’s her name… the Girl Fight girl.  Why on earth would she sleep with Colin Farrell? I mean, she hasn’t yet, but you can tell she will, and everyone knows he’s a whore.  

2) Nobody cares if the boring white Lothario guy gets shot.  He got shot with a paint gun, but smart money is on him getting shot for real later in the game.  There was some definite foreshadowing.  Plus, he just had to take a poorly timed bathroom break due to nerves.  If that’s not an indication of impending doom, I don’t know what is.

3) Why did I make so much pasta salad?!? It’s a commercial break, and I’m eating this (delicious) ricotta pasta salad for the FOURTH MEAL in a row.  Did it not occur to me when I dumped an entire bag of organic whole wheat penne into the water that I’m kind of little and would be eating pasta for a week? 

4) What kind of international criminal mastermind comes to one of the twelve countries which holds a warrant for his arrest?  Especially if that country is America?  Dude – have you read the news lately? We can do anything we want. Fuckin’ A, we’re gonna sent the SWAT team after you..

5) I do not speak in code enough.  Checkpoint 2, roger that, code 74, etc.  I wonder if I develop one and publish it if people will start using it.  Code 1 means please pour me another glass of this delicious 2004 Bordeaux I happen to be drinking.  Cloey – code 1.  Hmm… didn’t work.

6) Boring white Lothario just got shot, much to my NON surprise.  However, he was shot while hijacking the 100 million dollar prisoner.  Way to grow some balls  boring guy!

7) “What are they going to do, take the subway all the way to Mexico?

8)  Commercials suck.  Please see my previous Netflix post.  I wonder if I can link to it. Let’s  try.

9) Maybe I’m not paying close enough attention… why are there booby traps in the sewers?

10) The Killers are playing at the Fox on Monday! Katie is going to try and get tickets!  See what commercials do? They distract me from the purpose of my blog! 

11) Can you land an airplane on the 6th St Bridge? It seems like there would be wires and stuff in the way. 

12) Step one: plan a hundred million dollar hijacking.  Step two: realize that your ex-partner (cop wise, not same sex couple wise) is on the SWAT team that will be your primary opposition.  Step three: quit!!! Ok, you didn’t quit?  Then… Step three: engage in hand to hand combat with aforementioned ex-partner and lose, only to get run over by a train.  Anyone could have seen that coming.