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emmanation

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Posts Tagged ‘oh man bare nipples in a tanning bed’

you have reached your final destination

Friday, August 12th, 2016

Crockett got on a airplane without me yesterday. He’s now in the UP for family love and various two-wheeled-foot-powered shenanigans.

(Did I mention he did very well in a 68 mile mountain bike race at NINE THOUSAND FEET recently? I didn’t?? What kind of proud pre-wife am I, honestly?)

Maybe ten minutes into his flight, he started smelling smoke.

Then chicken.

Then the pilot turned the plane around and landed back in Denver because some birds had met an unfortunate end and the plane needed to be poked and prodded before it could be allowed to continue on to it’s final destination. It was fine, he’s where he needed to be, and Southwest has graciously credited him back part of his purchase price without him even asking. All around, it could have gone considerably worse.

Which leads me, in a round about way, to the very fine Final Destination films. I cannot be the only one who thinks of them every time I’m in a airport bathroom and I notice music being piped in, can I? I mean, it’s never John Denver (that I’ve noticed), but still – every damn time. Don’t even get me started on when I see a truck with logs in the back on the highway.

Final Destination: Plane crash. Not birds. Electrical failure? I’ve seen it 10000 times and the fact that I don’t know what the reason for the crash is means that it’s v v unimportant. The best death sequence, hands down, is the teacher when everything in her house is trying to kill her like they’re the cartoons from Beauty and the Beast except instead of cleanliness they’re focused on fate and nothing but sweet, deadly fate.

Final Destination 2: Enormous car crash on the highway, started by logs falling off the back of a big ol’ trucks. Wait, not logs. Trees. Redwoods, basically. The survivor from the first film teaches everyone there is no ‘safe’, there is only paranoid and doomed.

Final Destination 3: I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS ONE. Trust me, I’m rectifying that wrong as I type these words. Roller coaster malfunction, in case you’ve sadly missed it as well.

The Final Destination: Basically a NASCAR crash that sends deadly detritus into the stands. I’ve seen it but remember nothing. Based on the name, I think they expected this would be last. Twas not to be.

Final Destination 5: Bridge collapse! Everyone loves a bridge collapse. I think I’m mixing this up in my head with The Mothman Prophecies.

It’s been five years since that last one, so I’m thinking Final Furious 7 … no, wait. Final Destination 7 should be any day now. In case they think they’ve played out ‘crashes’ (spoiler, they mostly have), I’ve got some ideas for them:

  • Surfing accident – let’s get Kate Bosworth acting AND surfing again (<3 you 4ever Blue Crush)
  • Food poisoning – sure, the premonition would have to be hours long at a minimum, but it’d be a fun new technique! Maybe it’s on a cruise ship, and Kate Bosworth can be the body boarding instructor!
  • Zoo accident – lions? Gorillas? Seaworld disaster? So many choices, so many opportunities for Kate Bosworth to be an animal trainer.

I guess what I’m saying is a) Crockett is super duper, b) I love these movies, and c) I have surprisingly strong feelings about Kate Bosworth’s current underutilization in fine American cinema.