Image 01

emmanation

You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Posts Tagged ‘sex’

you’re making that up

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

I have 6 active email addresses.

  1. Work.
  2. Gmail – personal.
  3. Gmail – professional.
  4. Gmail – bakery.
  5. Gmail – blog.
  6. Yahoo – stuff that I don’t want to get sent to any other address.

Some of the things that come to my yahoo address are truly ridiculous. I have spam from the future.

I get 6 – 8 emails a a day from Astrology.com, with subjects like “Does He Still Love You?” and “What is Your Purpose in Life?” I freely admit that these are my fault, because I subscribed for my horoscope (Capricorn FTW), but I do feel a little frisson of stress every time one pops up. Does he still love me? What is my purpose in life?

I also get a couple of emails from iVillage.com. They send me family friendly recipes (for my big ol family?), low fat recipes (for my big ol butt?), and strange insights into the world of the online iVillage family woman.

For example, today they sent me an email that said “Are You Having a Normal Amount of Sex?”

Well, hell, iVillage, I don’t know. But now I need to! Am I having a normal amount of sex?

Turns out they don’t know either, because they only surveyed married women. Some of the survey responses are awesome, though.

Not at all predictable? 1 out of 5 women are completely unable to predict what's going to happen when they climb into bed with their spouse?

_____

Take that, people who think married women never want to have sex.

_____

Is this true, you think? I'd like to see how many of the 'yes I married the best sex of my life' ladies turned down previous proposals.

_____

Ha. Liars.

Thanks, iVillage, for this insight. Sometimes married women want to have sex and sometimes they don’t, sometimes it’s predictable and sometimes it isn’t, some of it’s the BEST SEX EVAH…. so basically, married sex is a lot like dating sex. People do what they like. Who knew.

Sunday Best

Sunday, January 18th, 2009

My birthday was a fantastic success, and there is more to come. Indoor skydiving is most definitely…. a skill-requiring pursuit. Skills that I don’t have. And I have to wonder, how much of the grabbing the instructor did was absolutely necessary to keep me from running into the walls?

Anyway, there is much to be thrilled about this week. First, birthday. Second, for my birthday, I adopted myself a puppy! Her name is Maida (my choice, after Maida Heatter the pastry chef) and she looks like this:

maida-in-laundry

 

However, that is not the topic of this post. The best thing of this week, the week of January 11th, 2009, is this.

NATALIE DYLAN AUCTIONED HER VIRGINITY FOR 3.7 MILLION DOLLARS

Three. Point. Seven. Million. Dollars.  Trust me, that is not a typo. I checked at several different reputable sources, and it’s true. She’s pretty in kind of a trashy way, but maybe that’s the way she had to go for the whole auction thing. Witness:

 

Bent over showing off the boobs

Bent over showing off the boobs

 

Wind blowing back the hair. Classic.

Wind blowing back the hair. Classic.

 

Clearly used to be her myspace profile pic (before myspace was SO over). Also, note the difference in color between face and chest.

Clearly used to be her myspace profile pic (before myspace was SO over). Also, note the difference in color between face and chest.

It’s definitely possible that she’s just a normal chick who is capitalizing on being a member of true love waits or what have you. I’m having a hard time with it though. I’m wondering if there’s any possibility there’s an artificial virginity hymen involved.  

I admire her entrepreneurial spirit. I do have several questions.

1) What kind of pro0f of virginity is the winning bidder requiring? Not to be overly graphic, but any woman can tell you that tampons and revirgination have sorta blown the whole traditional gauge of prior sexual experience.

2) WHO pays that much money to sleep with a virgin? I mean, virgins have…. performance issues. Not the same ones for men and women, obviously, but none the less, they’re not really known for their participation and skill.  The guy has to be fairly ridiculous. Either he’s an incredibly creepy guy who thinks 22 year old virgins are the holy grail of sexual conquest, or he’s an incredibly creepy guy who can’t find a hooker who is willing to have sex with him. Either way, I’m a little concerned for Natalie.

3) Why, oh why, did I think it was a good idea to sleep with Jesse in high school? Blah blah blah I loved him blah blah blah. 4M dollars sorta makes that pale in comparision. However, this may only work once (market dilution) AND see question 2. Probably Jesse was the right way to go.

Kinda cute, kinda hot, kinda sexy, hysterically funny but not funny looking

Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Let me preface this by saying Tivo is damn fabulous.  One of the distinct advantages is that the fact that television shows that start after nine are now within my grasp – where previously I would have been propping my eyelids open, I can now watch the whole thing over morning coffee or what have you..  Specially red ones in my kitchen.

That being said: who watches Scrubs at 10 pm?  I ask because of the telephone sex ads.

Oh, at first they don’t seem like sex ads – they seem like singles ads.  However, when you see them over and over again (I’ve temporarily stopped fastwording through them for research purposes), you notice three very important things:

1) They only show women.  They refer to it as a line which singles can call, but there is not a single man, tee shirt off, six pack showing, in bed, phone to his ear, waiting for my call.

2) In each ad, at least one woman says she doesn’t want to meet men on the internet because ‘it’s too hard’.

3) Later in the half hour (like I said, I’ve done extensive research), some woman will refer to ‘fantasies’ she’s had.  That she’s just dying to share. With you, single Denver man.

My conclusion?  This is phone sex!  It says ‘call for stupid women to talk about sex’.  Now, I assume that this doesn’t count as prostitution because no one is actually having sex – although some mutual masturbation is definitely implied. 

I don’t know why I’m so concerned about this.  I guess I only have two questions.  What would they do if I called and insisted on being connected to a Denver single?  Male, preferably?  And.. how much money do phone sex workers make? 

Final unrelated thoughts: Quentin Tarantino is a genius – fucked up, but a genius none the less.  And roses are beautiful

*Did you hear me butterfly? Miles to go before I sleep*

Unhooked

Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

 

 

This woman, Laura Sessions Stepp, just wrote this book.  Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both. 
Basically, the idea is that women in their late teens and early twenties are, yet again, ruining the idea of the perfect relationship.  In the 20s the loose morals of flappers were the downfall of upstanding men who just couldn’t resist women in little skirts.  20+ years ago the rising pregnancy rates were the fault of young women who just didn’t say no when they should.
Now – our ‘hookups’ are warping our ability to form lasting relationships.  At least that’s what concerns Ms. Stepp.  She thinks we’re rehearsing for a marathon by sprinting.  While she never uses the phrase ‘be a good wife’ the implication is everywhere – how on earth will we have a successful marriage if all we’ve ever done is sleep with frat boys (although I support the anti-frat boy movement, based on recent personal experience).   She’s worried that we’re not  practicing forming emotional attachements because we’re so concerned about throwing ourselves off balance, affecting our friendships with women and our careers. 

I’m not going to relate this to myself.  I’m irritated with her for berating us for doing what men have always done, I’m irritated with her for leaving men out of the story entirely, and I’m irritated with her for making me give her weight simply by acknowledging her argument.  Obviously the first two are more important than the last, otherwise this wouldn’t have shown up here.

What I am going to do is give you my favorite quotes:
“Relationships have been replaced by the casual sexual encounters known as hookups. Love, while desired by some, is being put on hold or seen as impossible.  Some girls can handle this; others … are exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually by it.”
“The bar scene is a guy thing. Young women would be better served by staying home to bake cookies, brownies, muffins as guys will do anything for homemade treats.”  (seriously? every time I read that I kind of want to laugh and hit her at the same time).
And my personal favorite: “I hope to encourage girls to think hard about whether they’re ‘getting it right’.”

This whole thing can be boiled down to one phrase.  Dr. Stepp?  Bite me.