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Posts Tagged ‘shopping’

no, no, no, no, YES, no

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

This one time? I wrote a Fuckit list? The whole point was to list the shit I am never going to do, thereby enabling myself to make decisions much more quickly.  Witness:

Emma, would you like to go to Japan without Crockett’s high school swim coach?

No, thank you.

Emma, would you like to see pictures of high school Crockett in his swimsuit?

Why, yes, yes I would. Thank you for asking and send them over toot suite.

Recently I’ve become aware that people who aren’t Michael Ian Black also embrace making decisions by ruling things out.  The two examples I was able to track down again are specifically for fashion, but I did see it elsewhere, I SWEAR.

Last time I went shopping I told my husband that I was so glad I wasn’t skinny because then I would have too many options and would be in the stores forever.

April Flores

…I wear none of the following: high necklines and turtlenecks; bulky knits; large prints; long skirts; flats; anything floaty, bohemian, or hippie-inspired; anything shapeless, babydoll, straight or Mod; double-breasted coats and jackets; and the colors red, orange, yellow, black and white.

Now, if this list makes it seem like I can’t wear half of what’s out there, well — yeah. That’s kind of my point.

Sadie from Jezebel, in part of their Dress Code series

Y’all, this is genius. I’m so much more comfortable ruling things out than in, you know? I’m perpetually in a state of de-cluttering – removing clothes from my closet, knicknacks from my shelves, songs from my iPhone, whatever.

As of right now, I’m ruling out:

  • Any recipe with bell peppers in it. I’m allergic and I sometimes try to make peppery recipes pepperfree, but you know what? That’s not how that recipe was developed, and from now on I’m just ruling ’em out cause they’re not that good anyway.
  • Related: fajitas.
  • Blazers.
  • Thong underwear.
  • Jeans from Old Navy.
  • Clothing with busy patterns. I don’t wear them, they wear me, and no one wins. The clothes WANT to be worn! They do!
  • Buying ingredients without a recipe in mind. Yes, I’ll face an empty refrigerator more often, but is that in fact worse than throwing food away because I had nothing to do with it? No. I daresay it’s better.

These aren’t resolutions, mind you. They’re just things I don’t have to worry about. Is organic cilantro on sale, two bunches for a dollar? Sure, and awesome! I’m not buying it! Are there really cute thongs at Victoria’s Secret with roller skates on them? Of course there are, but they’re not for me!

I love this idea – my only concern is that I sometimes have a tendency to overdo things. There’s a small chance I might go home and throw out everything I’ve ruled out… but I’ll definitely keep those pictures of Crockett in his Speedo.

let’s go surfing now everybody’s learning how

Monday, May 10th, 2010

Shopping for swimsuits is a gigantic pain in the ass, did you know that? We’re 44 days from here:

(Dear Crockett: if this is an image of the US Virgin Islands, like the last one I posted, I'm sorry but seriously, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?)

I have two swimsuits but they’re both sort of old and sort of blah and I just want one that’s completely livable. One that I can put on when we roll out of our bunk that’s apparently the size of Marshall and Lily’s dirty dirty sex bed and not take off until it’s time to climb back into it.

My primary complaints:

1) What the hell is this about?

Honestly. This girl is lovely, but where are the sides of her swimsuit? The prospect of the tan lines alone are making my head hurt.

2) This.

I love a cute butt as much as the next girl, but what the hell is going on here? The comfort level of this seems suspicious.

3) This.

If Jon Gosselin were a woman, this would be his suit. Such a thing should never have been created.

4) The sizing.

Since I am an ex-derby girl (otherwise known as the most gigantic derby quitter of 2010), I know a lot of strong, big women. We’re not talking about the ohmygod fattyfatfat!!!eleventy!! crisis that the media is so worked up about. We’re talking about my friends that kick ass on rollerskates for hours a week, that are strong enough to keep their balance when they’re walloped at full speed, and that probably have less cellulite than I do. They, in general, are probably close to the average US woman’s height (63.8 inches) and weight (165 pounds).  That’s a 37 inch waist.

I’m 60.5 inches tall and I have a fairly normal torso to leg length ratio. That means that my torso is several inches shorter than swimsuit manufacturers tend to expect.

Do you know what the choices are for 37 inch waists? Out of the 2708 swimsuits that Zappos currently offers, there are 68 that come in that size, and there is no option to buy tops and bottoms separately – you’re stuck with one pieces or some truly horrific sets.

Although kudos to Nike for making this in up to a 38 inch waist. Freaking adorable, no?

Do you know what the choices are for petite women? Bikinis. No, seriously – that’s the answer. The smallest one piece that I can find on Zappos has a torso measurement of 56 inches – which is about an inch and a half too long. Either I tie up the straps or I experience the diaper effect – awesome.

How can this suck so much? Does ANYONE like shopping for swimsuits? Please, tell me if you do – I’m headed towards not liking shopping right now, and clearly that’s not ok.

Sunday Talky

Sunday, February 7th, 2010