There are some women down the hall from me at work, and they asked if I wanted to join a Bachelor bracket with them. I dig my immediate team, but … also I would like some super fun lady friends. So, for the very first time, I am watching the Bachelor. Ben (he himself) is from Denver, who knew. Anyway, I have sparkling wine and I paid Hulu extra monies so I wouldn’t have to watch commercials which REALLY works out in a show like this. Let’s go, people.
Caila knew she had to dump her man after seeing ben on the bachelorette WHAT. We are off to a these-are-not-reasonable-people start.
Jubilee says ‘I’m on a mission to win Ben’s heart’ and she obviously thought it was the dumbest thing to say in the world. I’m guessing she was picturing her military friends watching this and internally cringing.
No one, Mandi. No one wants to be like everybody else. You’re SO UNIQUE, no one else has ever even wondered who wants to be like everyone else.
TWINS EVIL. Watch a horror movie sometime, Ben.
Wtf is a chicken enthusiast and why do you refer to them as your human babies, Tiara, do you know what humans are?
Ok I know I’ve had 20 chances to find this out, but do they all say something cheesy when they get out of the limo?
Oh a dick joke, that is super risky. That’d be me, and I’d currently be like ‘what the fuck was I thinking?’
Girl who didn’t tell him your name, he’s now thinking of you as ‘online stalker’, so .. whoops.
And also speak a language that Ben knows, it’s weird to force someone to not understand you.
DON’T TALK ABOUT THE OTHER GIRLS BOOBS oh my god I’m not going to be able to watch this show am I.
Ben was just visibly aroused by the twins which, chill your baloney, pony (which is something I say to Deaner when he’s getting all worked up, it’s not a dick reference)
MINIPONY. Awww, bye bye Lil Sebastian.
It’s weird how much I expected Ben to be freaked out by the woman who brought a save the date card. He’s literally there to find a wife. The patriarchy is in maaaaah head.
Oh I read about this host guy! He’s recently divorced and also looking for love, I guess? I wonder if he gets to chat with the ladies when Ben is otherwise engaged – he looks like he’s in his forties or fifties though so perhaps young women aren’t his thing.
I wanna be friends with Lace. I feel like that means she’s going to get kicked off.
BEN IS CALLING HIS DAD. If true, man, hugs to that guy. If staged, hugs to whoever had this idea, because it’s goddamn adorable.
If you quit your job to go on the Bachelor, you’re effectively saying that being his wife will be your job. Maybe he’s into that, maybe he ain’t, but … it doesn’t really bode well for thinking through your choices, maybe? Or maybe her job was fucking terrible, we don’t know her life. (Edited to add, she got the first rose so perhaps he’s into hiring a wifey.)
Oh Laces (which is what I would call Lace if we were friends), I think you maybe need to think about dating somewhere that isn’t TV. This doesn’t seem to be the best thing for your stability. Not that I think you’re unstable, just, stuff is hard, and processing it on TV seems even harder. Or you’re a little drunk? Or possibly both.
I wish the website had said that whats-er-face liked to be called Red Velvet. I would have picked my bracket differently. (Full disclosure, I don’t remember who was in my bracket or where, I’ll have to check tomorrow.)
Whoever had Ben call his dad also just suggested he say these women are out of his league. I hope that person is being well paid (or is Ben, I guess).
Giving out this many roses takes many times.
Crockett just got home and is asking me a lot of questions that are super good that I don’t know the answer to. Like, have there been twins before?
Laurens, there are four of you. One of you is going home.
LACES HONEY you got a rose.
Crockett thinks it’s for the best that Red Velvet did not get a rose, since Ben would just be guaranteeing himself a moment where he holds her hand as she dies of melanoma. Crockett is mean but also funny.
Success rate: I have no idea. I think I might have called one of the cancelled ladies, maybe, I’ll check tomorrow. Only …. twenty-four episodes to go? I have no idea. This is going to be awesome.
*Those two women who showed up in the middle and upset everyone are a mystery to me and I have no comment.