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emmanation

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Posts Tagged ‘the toast’

If Dean Winchester Were Your Boyfriend

Monday, July 31st, 2017

Pouring one out for The Toast.

  1. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, his shirts would be your shirts, whether he liked it or not. “Babe, we haven’t hit a laundromat in weeks”, he’d say as you wrapped yourself up in one of his flannels. “You smell great,” you’d tell him and mean it.
  2. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, most of your meals would be eaten on the road. For your health, your brother-in-dating Sam would constantly watch what you ate. If you ordered a burger and milkshake, he’d detour to the kitchen and make sure the shake ended up with a few handfuls of spinach in it. When you found out, he’d ask how you thought Dean made it to 40 while never willingly ingesting a vegetable.
  3. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, you’d teach him the names of older musicians he’d never heard of so he could use them as fake names when he ran out of 80s musicians. He’d pretend to just take the information as handy, but later you’d catch him listening to Dead Man’s Curve on youtube.
  4. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, he would tell you that you never had to worry about being attacked by demons or witches. Every time you bought a new purse, though, you’d find almost immediately that a knife had been sewn into the lining and an anti-hex hex bag had been tied to the handle.
  5. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, you’d get the kind of attention in bars that you’d previously thought was a myth. The two of you would walk into anywhere and every server in the room would see him and be available all night for your every need. He’d tell you he thought you were teasing him when you told him most of the world didn’t get that kind of treatment, but then he’d wink at you and do a shimmy to whatever song was playing on the jukebox.
  6. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, the first time you got a panic attack because you met an angel he’d bring you a beer and a quarter of Xanax and tell you to play checkers with Cass. “You can’t be scared of angels once you see they have no sense of humor,” he’d tell you, and then he’d punch you in the shoulder and mouth ‘be yourself’ to Cass behind your back.
  7. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, he’d use his hunter network to set up an elaborate birthday surprise for you. Every place you stopped on a road trip would have a booth reserved and a different colored balloon tied to your seat. You’d suspect it was partially Sam’s idea, but that wouldn’t matter because Dean would grin every time he saw your huge smile.
  8. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, his mom would try to make you tough and Dean would get mad at her every time. “She doesn’t need to know what it feels like to slice her palm for a blood sigil, Mary,” he’d say. “I’ll always be around.”
  9. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, he’d learn what ‘woke’ and ‘kyriarchy’ mean and you’d sometimes hear him explaining them to other people. Afterwards he’d tell you dejectedly that he wasn’t sure he’d overcome his buddy’s idea that women make less money because they don’t know how to ask, and you’d kiss his neck and take him out for a piece of pie.
  10. If Dean Winchester were your boyfriend, the world probably would have ended by now. If it did, though, he would have been thinking about you while he did something insane to try to save it.

 

parting gifts

Monday, July 31st, 2017

Something that I loved very dearly popped back into my life last week, and then went away again, and it’s all VERY TRAUMATIC.

The Toast was the best website ever.

Don’t  take my word for it. This isn’t one of those goofy things that I love that has a niche following (like jokes about elephants in refrigerators and Zillow alerts for two-to-three bedroom houses with at least two bathrooms in very specific areas of LA). The Toast was an amazing project mostly undertaken by two women, who funded it with personal money because the internet is hard and sucks, and finally they had to quit. If you didn’t hover those links above, one of them is a goodbye post written by Hilary Clinton. Hil.Ar.Y. Clin.Ton.

(Ok, fine, it’s a niche. A really nice, cozy, smart, funny niche. I can think of worse things.)

The Toast closed last year because despite donations and I think some ads? they couldn’t afford to keep it going. I was genuinely very, very sad. Such a small writing staff made me feel like I knew these women, and I missed them when they were gone.

Then tiny hands trashfire did his thing and I had other things to worry about, but.

BUT.

Last Wednesday, The Toast threw eight new posts into the world. Just a hi howareya, nothing permanent. It was lovely but also gave me those sad feelings you have when you forgot how well something fit into your life. When you can’t have it, you get used to being without it and sometimes you even think gosh maybe it wasn’t even that good?, but then BOOM. It was that good.

I am the woman who went into a tailspin when my favorite band broke up. I am the woman that was so distraught on Twitter when one of my favorite authors died that TWO other famous authors privately messaged me to share my grief.

There’s a message here. Is it that I should be a less emotional person?

Or is it that The Toast should come back?

(I know what I vote.)

NB – I was going to write a ‘if X was your Y‘ post in remembrance/honor/cause I wanted to, but I couldn’t think of who to write it about. Riz Amhed? But that’s just because of the Charlie XCX Boys video. Crockett? Myself? (If Emma was your girlfriend … hm. Actually, that could be fun.) Angel from Buffy? Idris Elba and Mary-Louise Parker are taken already. I’ll think on it.

Something is better than nothing, but also sometimes something is ow.