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You like me! Of course, you probably don't know me very well.

Posts Tagged ‘vacation’


Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

Today, the island.
Tomorrow, the boat!
The airport was basically two gigantic converted warehouses. My seatmates on the way from Atlanta were (seriously) missionaries. Every store in town shuts down at 5 because that’s when the cruise ships pull out.

I love this place.

How jealous are you? This is the view from our balcony.

mental health is crucial

Friday, May 14th, 2010

A day in the life of my boyfriend

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

You know how on Monday I posted, all whiny like, about how I’m sad that Crockett is in the Bahamas without me even though I was totally invited, and then I said his airplane ticket buying habits would give me an aneurysm if we shared a bank account?

He called me that night, from the Bahamas – to tell me that my shoe budget probably matches his travel budget and that that would give him an aneurysm.

I had no comeback. Cause it’s true.

Then I got to thinking, it must be hard to be my boyfriend. I mean, super super rewarding, cause I’m all adorable and stuff, but hard for two reasons.

1) I have a blog and he doesn’t. When he has a really good point like the one about my shoe budget, he makes it to me. When I have a really good point like the one about his travel budget, I make it to all of you. To get to you, his point has to go through me, and you know I’m going to change it up a little, right? For example, he actually called me on Monday because he’s a sweetie and knew that I would be missing him, and he threw that budget thing in there as an afterthought. A snarky afterthought.

2) He made the mistake of giving me his IM address waaaaay back when we started dating. Now, when he walks away from his computer, this is what he comes back to.

can you have fewer friends?
it’s really hard for me to keep them all straight
or could they possibly have weirder hair?
that would help me remember

wanna go fourwheeling at lunch?

I just printed out a presentation where instead of Product I’d written Broduct
sounds like Barney Simpson

I luv puppies

can you please give me an example of something that you have understood that i haven’t?
something intellectual?
one of those quark things maybe?
come on
haven’t there been times in your kitchen
where you’re trying to explain physics to me
and i’m looking at you like you’re speaking dingbats?

I just realized I’m O+
because O- is the universal donor
and I’m pretty sure somebody would have told me if I was a universal donor

hey, we’re having Stars party at your house

This is good stuff, right? But this is truly the kind of thing that happens EVERY TIME he walks away from his computer. And then, when he starts asking for details about the party, I say “dude, don’t you even care that I’m a universal recipient? Think about how much safer that makes me!”. Then, when he says “yes, Em, that’s gre…” I interrupt him to say “don’t you love puppies too?” and so on and so forth.

There you go. That’s what it’s like dating me – you spend your life bombarded by mostly nonsensical IMs and you are always wrong because the internet is on my side.

I wish he was here so I could give him a big old hug.

god bless standardized testing

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

I’m back from Portland, and have decided to make a major life change. I’ll tell you (in detail and ad nauseam, no doubt) about it soon, but first I have to tell you alllll about my trip.

Day 1: Thursday

Schedule: Airport arrival, enabling LB (lil bro, Sam, tiniest sprinter, whatever you wanna call him) to leave work early. Lunch. Nap. Run. Movies.

Level of inebriation: As you may remember from my Thursday post, I was drunk by the time LB picked me up from the airport. In Portland, that’s how I role. My nap sobered me up enough to go for a run, but I picked right back up when I got home. Total consumption: 1 bloody maria, six glasses of wine.

Notable occurrences:

We wore a gigantic pair of underwear.

We got into a… um… heated discussion about whether the pedophilia joke in the beginning of the hangover is funny or a perpetuation of rape culture. For an hour and a half.

I met Dawn of SoSoVelo, formerly of the movie club, and found her awesome.

Day 2: Friday

Schedule: Run. The tiny mob hit the town for a vegan bakery, errands, an food. Picking up Taylor. Shopping for a party that required animal costumes. Going to said party.

The tiny mob.

Level of inebriation: As LB’s boo (hereby known as Boo) was our beloved driver, LB and I carried around a flask of whiskey. Total consumption: whiskey (lots), 1 beer.

Notable occurrences:

Boo needed to go to her school to print something out. LB and I took ourselves and our whiskey with her, and were busted playing Jason Mraz on my iPhone speaker and dancing around by a very sweet girl who clearly thought we were some of Boo’s special needs students.

Portland was beautiful. Ok, perhaps that's more of a state of existence than an occurrence, but whatever.

I got a truly horrific headache (I keep insisting it was not from drinking whiskey all day, but really, who do I think I’m kidding) and missed the dress up party.

Day 3: Saturday

Schedule: Shopping. Tattoos. A party that involved dressing up in swimsuits and hanging out in a warehouse meant to be a beach.

Level of inebriation: Gradually increasing, with a break in the middle for tattoo getting. I had learned my lesson about the whiskey, so I replaced it with a jelly jar full of red wine. That spilled in my purse. Total consumption: quarter bottle of wine, 4 beers. Probably. Maybe 5.

Notable occurrences:

The tiniest sprinter, becoming a distinguished expert.

A trumpet of (you guessed it) distinguished experts.

Up close and personal with my distinguished self.

Yes, we got matching tattoos. Yes, they say ‘Distinguished Expert’. No, they are not henna (mom). Yes, it is the coolest thing ever.

After the four hour tattooing process, we failed to go to the beach party. We ate chinese food and drank instead. Which was also cool.

Day 4: Sunday

Are you exhausted yet? Man alive, I was wiped out by this time.

Schedule: Run. Stumptown and Voodoo Doughnuts. Movies. Drinking.

Level of inebriation: Consistently high. Total consumption: umm…. eight to ten beers over the day? Ish?

Notable occurrences:


Two girls in front of us at Voodoo Doughnut decided that a Sunday morning was the perfect time to try the Tex-Ass Challenge, despite the already forty-five minute line behind them. The Tex-Ass Challenge is eating a doughnut that is the size of six regular doughnuts in 80 seconds.

The Voodoo Doughnut Tex-Ass Doughnut, in the middle.

They failed.

I met Andrew of Yes I Said Yes and Black Devil Doll fame, and Jason of SoSoVelo and movie club. I proclaimed them awesome.

I was sent to the store for chasers, as we had vodka but had consumed all of our organic fruit juices.

I returned with prune juice and declared it hilarious. Boo was not amused, but she did drink it.

I started to fade towards, oh, 9:30 (as we old folks are wont to do), and Jason said that I was a disappointment. LB and I had an immediate dance party, which of course rectified the situation.

There you go. That was my trip to Portland (at least the parts I remember). I am sad to not be there anymore, but I’m pretty sure my liver is saying a tiny hallelujah.

employ thy time well, if thou meanest to get leisure

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

I am in Portland Oregon. Remember how yesterday I said that I wanted to stay home with Crockett? Totally true. His rebuttal? “Emma, I am not a baby. I can take care of myself.”


So I’m waiting for the tiniest sprinter to come pick me up from the airport. I am waiting in a bar – please, suspend your shock. I positively hate to fly – I get all nervous and hesitant and completely unlike myself, and I have been known to fortify myself with those little airline bottles of wine. Since this particular flight left at 8:25 am, I instead opted for a bloody maria (because drinking before noon is only ok if it’s a bloody mary or a mimosa. Obviously.)

What I’m trying to say is that I’m drunk. At 12:29 Denver time, 11:29 Portland time, but screw Portland time – doesn’t count until you leave the airport, amirite?

Awesome, huh? Everyone else is at work, and here I am. I cannot imagine, for the life of me, why I got a bad review yesterday.

Because I’m drunk, I just asked Star (via IM) what the hell I should blog about. She happens to have recently missed her lunch due to inconsiderate customers at her place of business, and I said that I would send her some food through the interwebs, and then she said “blog about inventions you need!”

And so I am.

  1. The ability to pass food and drink through the internet. How is that not a real thing yet?
  2. Scratch and sniff tv. Because HI, I am already such a sucker for advertising that if you could make me smell your Doritos or your Dove Chocolate I would be putty in your hands. (Idea credit goes to Star.)
  3. A ‘retract’ button for conversations. Like how I just told this bartender I was drunk from my airplane bloody mary (WHAT? I’m really small and there is less air up there.) (Yes, I know there is a regular amount of air in the airplane, shut UP.) It would be like the ‘recall’ button in Outlook – if the person wants to hear it, you’re screwed, but if they take pity on you it can be like it never happened. *Side note, I just spent a long time trying to figure out the best way to use those parenthesis. I actually tried to fit one set into the other and then I was worried about order of operations. I am the coolest girl ever.
  4. A gaydar that really works. It would also have settings for mean people, people who are undercover, and people who are in the witness protection program. Those last two are mostly for my future career as expediter.
  5. Earphones that block out all sound unless it is intentionally directed to you.
  6. More seasons of Veronica Mars. I know that isn’t technically an invention, but whatever, Veronica Mars rocks. I was watching it on the airplane down here and the girl next to me was watching over my shoulder but pretending she wasn’t – she’s a new addict. Also, she reminded me a lot of the wife of an ex of mine and I kept wanting to ask her if that’s who she was, but either answer would have led to us being uncomfortable for the rest of the flight, so I refrained.
  7. A headband that makes it impossible for people to ignore you. If you want their attention, you get it, when you’re wearing the headband.
  8. A Strega Nona’s Pasta Pot type wine glass.
  9. A little machine that lets you listen to any conversation in the world. This would be exceedingly helpful if I were interested in working for a tabloid – I would become EVERYONE’S unnamed source.
  10. A way to communicate inflection via IM that is NOT the ‘sarcasm mark’. (Idea credit goes to Star.)

That’s all I got, please feel free to contribute extra ideas in the comments. I’m going to force the tiniest sprinter to do a guest post about this trip, so look forward to it!